Oh LeAnn Rimes. It’s probably so, so hard to be you. Brandi Glanville always hovering about and making sure you’re not accidentally feeding her children laxatives, being bullied because you stole a lady’s husband … I can’t even imagine the trials and tribulations you must have to endure on a daily basis for being a completely innocent, delicate little flower of a woman.
Don’t worry, though, girl. One day, you’ll have it all: you’ll have a man who loves you and respects you for you and not your bank account, a few little rugrats of your own to whom you can mistakenly feed Ex-Lax, and the self-respect that goes along with being an upstanding, decisive woman who doesn’t walk all over people and doesn’t let people walk all over her, either. It’ll be there one day, girl, so just keep on keeping on and clutching at your creepy friend, Lizzy. Not because, you know, the Lizzy thing’s going to make any difference, but because it’s mildly entertaining in a scary sort of way. That’s all.