This is what Jessica Biel decided to wear for last night’s premiere of Hitchcock in New York. And even if a stylist picked this for her, it still means that someone with access to beautiful, elegant fashions chose this, and Jessica here obviously made the choice to put it on her body. You know, just the fact that this ensemble exists is troubling enough, I don’t really need to get into it anymore than that.
But listen, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Jessica Biel lately, because what else would I be doing? And I decided that if I met Jessica in real life, I’d probably like her. I don’t know if you guys have this friend, but I think she’d be the type of girl that’s sweet and fun to talk to and bake with and everything, but every once in a while she’d say something and you’d just be like “Oh. My God. Jessica, shut your mouth.” Because it’s never meant to be mean or rude or anything, she just got confused. And then you’d go out to parties, and you’d meet up and be like “Jess, are you seriously wearing that?” And she would look confused, like a puppy that doesn’t understand why he got scolded for chewing up your shoes, and you’d just be like “come on, girl, let’s go.”
However, I still think that this outfit would warrant a good long talk. Because … just look at it.