I need your help. In exchange for not April Foolin’ you guys, I need you to help me review this story and figure out whether or not it’s a joke. That’s fair, right?
The story is actually an article supposedly written by Gwyneth Paltrow for L.A. Weekly. In the article, she gives a recipe for quail egg pasta with black truffles, “a quick fix for busy moms everywhere.” The recipe requires lots of fancy ingredients, such as a black truffle that, if you can’t find locally, you can order online for a little over four hundred dollars (Gwyneth calls it “a little exy but so worth it”). She goes on with her special brand of pretentiousness and failed humor, and for the most part, I can really believe her saying it. But some parts are pretty out there, like when she mentions her children taking classes like “Microbiotics in the 18th Century” and “Beekeeping for Urban Babies.” Even then though, I really don’t think it’s completely impossible that this is real.
Check it out for yourself, then let me know, ok?
My close friend and confidant Victoria Beckham and I were just discussing over brunch how stressful it is being busy moms in heels. It’s insane. Between reading emails, making vision boards with Isabel Marant, and researching the most effective psyllium husk, there’s very little time to whip together a quick, healthy, committed and tolerant weekday night dinner for your family.
So I created this recipe for a yummy Quail Egg Pasta that is so truly amazing and entirely original but most importantly: a quick fix for busy moms everywhere.
Quail Egg Pasta with Black Truffles
Time: 2.5 hours2 cups Italian “00” flour (I get mine when I raid Mario Batali’s home pantry but you can find it at Italian specialty markets or online)
6 organic, grass-fed, free-range quail eggs, hatched within 7 miles of your condo
1 farm fresh chicken egg with the same aforementioned qualifications
1/2 cup browned butter
1 black truffle (If you can’t find this at your local grocer, order online from Dean & Deluca for $430. A little exy but so worth it)
white truffle oil (samesies)
10-year aged artisan Parmigiano Reggiano cheese from a tiny farm in Modena, Italia
organic Italian parsley
fleur de sel (if you don’t know what this is you should just stop reading immediately)
bottle of dry red wine*
1. First, make the pasta by combining the flour and the chicken egg and knead until perfect. Then put it through your electric KitchenAid attachment which, like my $85 IceMilk apron, is a must-have for any cook. Then, hang the pasta for an hour to dry. I recommend using a Serge Gainsbourg album as your kitchen timer. When the music is over, the pasta is ready for you to throw into a huge pot of boiling water until al dente.
2. Next, brown your butter. Heating too quickly will result in a burnt flavor instead of nutty one. Sometimes I’ll do it a few times to get it just right. No worries though, just pour the bad stuff in a stainless steel tub labeled “Failed Butter” and toss it in your compost pile. You’ll need extra butter if this is the case. Poach the quail eggs in a separate pot of boiling water. When it looks gorgeous, add the brown butter and quail eggs to the naked pasta. Next, drizzle with truffle oil, shave black truffle, and grate il formaggio over the top. Finally, sprinkle with some parsley and fleur de sel. Note: Twirling in a circle when sprinkling the fleur de sel increases longevity and consciousness.
3. Dude. This is such a delicious and a simple dinner idea for busy moms around the globe. My family and I often enjoy it when we’re in a rush between Apple’s “Microbiotics in the 18th Century” class and Moses’ “Beekeeping for Urban Babies” seminar at the London School of Pleasantries. And one time when Mario Batali stopped by at 3 a.m. unexpectedly for no reason (as he often does), I whipped this up and we ate, sang and laughed about the time a brick from my outdoor wood-burning oven fell and hit my husband in the head, which was actually the inspiration for “Clocks.” Freakin’ good times, yo.
*to drink while you’re cooking or just existing.
Well? What do you think?