Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You to Have A Great Valentine’s Day

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

In case you forgot, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, and it’s so important that you do everything right for your significant other. Do you understand that? Nothing else matters right now other than you not screwing up that special day tomorrow for your partner, and nobody knows that better than Gwyneth Paltrow. And since Gwyneth is such a sweetheart, she’s taken it upon herself to put together a step-by-step guide for you to give to your lover so that he doesn’t mess everything up tomorrow. That Gwyneth, always such a gem!

Gwyn went ahead and made a timeline so Valentine’s Day can run as smoothly as possible. The first step is to print out the guide and leave it somewhere for your “other half” to find because “they’ll get the hint.”  Tee-hee!

Dear __________,

Doing something romantic for your loved one on Valentine’s Day is sweet. Doing something sweet for your loved one on any other day is romantic. Here are some tips on how to bring some Valentine’s Day magic to any time of day on any day of the week, without busting your wallet or schedule.


The first step is to be done at 7 AM, or whenever your girlfriend rolls her ass out of bed:

Surprise them by pre-loading a playlist onto their Ipod (or getting a mix onto whatever device they use to listen to music) with whatever songs are significant to you two. You’ll be on their mind throughout their morning run, commute, etc.

The next step should happen at 8 AM, or, again, whenever that lazy bitch you’re dating finally decides to get up:

While breakfast in bed on a Saturday is lovely, breakfast in bed on a weekday is completely unexpected, and truly special. We’ve listed some super-simple recipes for even the most culinarily-challenged that can be prepared in five minutes or less to bring some unexpected romance to an otherwise normal day.

The recipes that Gwyneth lists are for a berry yogurt parfait, an “easy, cheesy omelet,” and a “super-simple side salad.”  Oh, and “don’t forget a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and French press coffee.”

Here’s what you do at 11 AM:

Set an alarm on their phone to go off at this time that tells them to check their 1. pant pocket 2. wallet pocket 3. purse pocket, or whatever place you think they would not have naturally checked by now. In this pocket, you have placed either a love note, tickets to a play/movie/event that evening, a gift card to their favorite store, or an address and time of where and when they should meet you for a surprise evening activity of your choice.

Ok, then at 3 PM, you have to send flowers.  But not just any flowers, flowers that have crafts attached to them.  See, if you’re in love, you’ll take time to cut out little hearts, write special messages on them, attach each heart individually to each flower, and then deliver them yourself.  Because you don’t have a job or anything.

At 6 PM, you’re supposed to prepare a “simple dinner” for your lover.  Gwyneth suggests Chicken Paillard.

Then, at 10 PM, you’re finally supposed to have sex, but be sure at get the Kama Sutra kit and the sex book that Gwyneth recommends.  You can never be too prepared!

Oh, and Gwyneth mentions that “if you happen to be single,” you can just do all these things with your BFF or whoever. Hope that Kama Sutra kit isn’t too awkward for that.

So that just about covers it!  Does everyone feel comfortable about what you need to do tomorrow or what you need to tell someone else to do?  All right then, good luck, and enjoy your easy cheesy omelet tomorrow morning!

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