Do you dye your hair white? Do you practice looking as surly as possible? Do you set aside approximately four hours to think of shitty and obnoxious things to say about other people? I NEED TO KNOW.
Luckily, Karl Lagerfeld has, for whatever reason, disclosed his entire day’s schedule with Harper’s Bazaar. I don’t understand why he did it, and I don’t understand why it was published, and I’m not going to pretend to understand it. All I need to do is accept this for the precious gift that it is, and then share it with you in the hopes that it will tickle some of you as much as it tickled me.
I’m going to break this down for you guys so you can see the most important parts of Karl’s schedule, all right? I think it’ll be easier for us to analyze that way, and I so want to analyze this with you. Are you ready?
– Karl Lagerfeld always wakes up exactly seven hours after he went to sleep, because “the house can fall apart, but I sleep for seven hours.” He wears a full length white nightgown that he had specially made after he saw a design from the 17th century in a museum. He doesn’t mention if he wears one of those adorable matching caps
– For breakfast, Karl Lagerfeld has two chocolate protein shakes and steamed apples. He also notes that he drinks Diet Coke “from the minute I get up to the minute I go to bed.” He says that he drinks nothing else besides Diet Coke.
– After breakfast, Karl Lagerfeld reads, sketches, and daydreams.
– At 11:00 AM, Karl Lagerfeld has his hair done. His natural color is “kind of grayish,” but he doesn’t like that so he keeps it white with a dry shampoo. And no, I don’t understand how that’s supposed to work.
– At noon, Karl Lagerfeld gets dressed and bathes. He likes to soak in the bathtub, “if you really want to know.” He uses a hundred-year-old bath product to soften the water. After his bath, he doesn’t exercise, because if you exercise when you’re younger you get to stop after you grow up because “all you do when you’re young stays.” If you don’t believe him, he assures that he’s “very flexible,” and that he doesn’t have any problems.
– When he gets dressed, Karl Lagerfeld’s nightgown, sheets, and robes go to the laundry because he likes to have everything changed daily. He has “antique lace, antique sheets, beautiful quilted covers, but everything is white” because “in white you can hide nothing,” which is a really important quality in bedclothes.
– One of Karl Lagerfeld’s favorite things to wear is a pair of jeans: “they are dark gray with my face, my profile, printed in black on them.”
– He rarely eats lunch, but when he does, he has it brought to his first house. He has two houses, right next to each other. One is “only for sleeping and sketching,” and the other house is where he has meals and guests and the help.
– From 5:00 PM to 8:00 PM, Karl Lagerfeld is in the studio. It doesn’t take him long because “I’m not in there in the studio draping – I don’t do those things.”
– At 9:00 PM, Karl Lagerfeld has dinner. He doesn’t like going out a lot because “I’m so busy and so pleased with what I’m doing that I’m not really ready for a social evening.” He also mentions that all the people he used to go out with “are dead or don’t exist anymore.”
– When the day is over, Karl Lagerfeld unwinds by reading or playing with his cat, Choupette, who he calls his “spoiled princess.” He didn’t elaborate any further, but I like to think that he had a nightgown made for the kitty, and they lie in his pristine bed together, sipping Diet Coke and cuddling.
What a day. What a life. What an entertainingly pompous douchebag.
Love it.
Also, dry shampoo is essentially an aerated powder that you spray on your roots to absorb oils and make the hair look clean and not greasy. However, the hair is still dirty; dirtier than ever, really, because all that powder and oil is still there, just not as noticeable. You can get dry shampoos in your natural hair colour, but the cheapest are really nothing more than baby powder.
What I’m trying to say is, he doesn’t wash his hair, really–he powders it. Which is in keeping with how antiquated everything else about him.
Either dead or “don’t exist” anymore? You know ominous thunder claps happened at that moment. Dude lives on a hellmouth. He’s like Gozer or something.