“This is all a complete lie. Scrape? This is all a complete lie. I’ve been at community service. Last night, I attempted to wish a friend happy birthday, which I didn’t even get to do because I was freaked out by all of the paparazzi. These false accusations are absurd.”
Yup. That’d be Lindsay Lohan making an “official statement” to the public that her most recent hit-and-run did not actually happen. You know, despite eyewitnesses and police reports and damage to her car and what not. Nope, Lindsay never hit the guy that claimed hit her, and in fact, he probably went to a fictional emergency room. Did he go to, I don’t know, Chicago Hope’s ER? Or maybe to Seattle Grace’s ER? That’s probably what it was, duh.
So guys, rest easy tonight. I know a lot of you were pretty shook up when you heard that Lindsay and her car might have had another brush with a pedestrian, but there’s positively nothing to worry about. Nothing happened and, come to think of it, there hasn’t even been a hookah club manager in the vicinity of her Porsche, like, ever. How bourgeois. How … how completely pedestrian.