WHAT IS THIS, RYAN GOSLING? You went on a date this weekend with your Place Beyond the Pines costar Eva Mendes? And you didn’t even have the courtesy, the simple human decency, to tell me we were through?
Because we are through, mister. It’s over.
Don’t give me that soulful look, Gosling. Don’t you dare. You can’t smooth it over with puppy-dog eyes this time.
Oh, I saw the pictures in Us Weekly of your Disneyland date. Don’t you sweet-talk me. I know you held hands! I know she gave you cute little pecks on the cheek! I know that an “onlooker” said Eva fed you “churros, cotton candy, and corn on the cob”! With her hands! Gross! Also, do you know how much I have always wanted to go to Disneyland? Do you? Ugh, you don’t even care!
You promised it would be different this time, buster. You said you were finished with dating costars. Obviously not!
Fine! Whatever! Get married! Have a hundred babies with her! SEE IF I CARE! Just make sure you delete my number from your phone!
Unless you guys suddenly break up—in which case, call me.