Let me save you some thinking time and tell you that yes, you most definitely do. I mean, maybe it’s just from lack of sleep (the only way I can go to sleep anymore is if I imagine Charlie Sheen reading Harry Potter to me by candlelight [in my head, he does a really good Umbridge]), but I laughed so hard at this little version of that sad couple’s break-up:
Rumours were beginning to circulate that things were not great between the couple when the singer turned up to last month’s Academy Awards with his mother, not Jessica. Further cracks had started to show in the relationship earlier that month when Jessica threw the party for Justin at his home at the beginning of the year.
A source told MailOnline: ‘Jessica was overcome with emotion when she stood up to toast her boyfriend on reaching the milestone. She quickly welled-up as she reminisced about the first time she met Justin and joked about how she virtually stalked him into going on a date with her.’
The pair had exchanged numbers on a night out in 2007, but when Justin failed to call Jessica a few days later, she took matters into her own hands and began driving towards his house. She said that before she knew it, she was outside his house and he still hadn’t called her. She joked about how she felt like a stalker, but that thankfully he did eventually call and the rest was history.
During the birthday speech, the actress gushed about how utterly head over heels in love she was with the singer-turned-actor and went on at length about how much he meant to her. But after Jessica had finished her speech, Justin appeared to dismiss her emotional speech by standing up and yelling: ‘Yeah, bitches!’
Ugh, Jessica Biel is so sad. I can’t see how this break-up could have been any kind of mutual – Jessica’s been clinging for so long, there’s no way she’d let go after four years of hard, creepy work. No, my guess is that this birthday party scenario did happen, and Justin’s declaration of “Yeah, bitches!” carried the subtext of “hooray, I just turned 30 and I am about to be officially single because I can’t take this girl’s mental instabilities and self esteem issues into my 30’s.” That’s what I’m choosing to believe.