Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Michael Lohan Is The Most Stable Lohan

Molls reported yesterday that Michael Lohan’s girlfriend, Kate Major, filed a police report against Michael, claiming that he assaulted her.  Since then, there have been some pretty interesting developments.  It looks to me like Lindsay passed off the train wreck baton to Daddy!

TMZ has obtained the police report that Kate filed, and here’s how that whole story goes:

According to Kate’s complaint she says, “My fiance Michael Lohan came home while I was sleeping in a sofa chair.  He woke me up, yelling, ‘Why didn’t you pick up your cell phone, you stupid c**t.'”

Kate continues, “He then turned over the chair while I was still in it, tossing me to the floor.  I crawled to the other side of the room to get away from him.  He walked over to me, took his shoe off and kicked me in my face while I was still on the ground.  He stood over me and said, ‘I’m going to go back to jail cause of you, cause I will kill you.'”

Kate says, “He said all of this to me cause he is afraid I’m going to leave him.  I am very afraid of him.”

Police officers noted in the report that Kate had a swollen lip, and she also had a sore collarbone and a scraped knee.  Classy stuff, Michael.  He’s been officially charged with 2nd degree harassment, and he’ll be arraigned on August 18.  Here’s what Michael’s lawyer had to say about the whole situation:

“Michael Lohan 100% denies each and every one of Kate Major’s allegations.  He has never threatened to harm her, never assaulted her, and never physically abused her in any way.

Kate was heavily intoxicated during the verbal argument between Michael and Kate in the early afternoon on Monday.  Michael Lohan has been clean and sober for six years.

Michael Lohan is fully cooperating with the police investigation.  No charges have been filed.  He expects to be fully vindicated.”

My favorite part is the part in the middle where they say that Kate was drunk, but Michael Lohan was not, because he’s a fucking miracle and don’t you forget it.  I don’t understand why that’s relevant – it sounds like they’re saying “no, none of this happened, but if it did, it was probably divine punishment that Michael executed for God Himself in an attempt to save her sinful soul from an eternity of hellfire.”  I don’t care how drunk you are, I’m pretty sure you’d at least vaguely recall your boyfriend knocking you around and threatening to kill you.  But maybe that’s just me.