Bundchen gave one of those water-births where you peacefully soak in a lukewarm tub in a dimmed room and it’s all peaceful and zen and shit and she didn’t “give birth”, her son “came through her body”, which sounds what like any delicate, virginal supermodel would go through during birth, naturally. Bundchen claimed to only gain thirty pounds during her
podding pregnancy and claimed to feel spiritual and empowered throughout the entire ordeal.
What Vogue didn’t tell you was that her Boston penthouse tub was probably filled with diamond-encrusted rose petals and Tom Brady was the one who gave birth instead.
Congrats on looking so post-pregnancy fabulous to the beautiful, peaceful, empowered Gisele who doesn’t even remotely look like she’s endured the rigors of ruptured facial veins due to eighty hours of pushing on a cold steel table or episiotomies and shitting all over yourself while screaming “You lousy fuck!” at your husband.