Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Shawn Johnson Has ESP

Shawn Johnson Leaves Dancing With the Stars Rehearsals Pictures Photos

Of all the people you could pick to stalk, why Shawn Johnson? Not that the inner workings of a stalker’s mind are at all rational, but I’ve often wondered what it is that triggers these people to become fixated on random d-list celebrities.

Last week, Wendie posted about Robert O’Ryan being arrested while trying to sneak on to the set of Dancing with the stars in an attempt to meet up with 17-year-old wholesome as American flags wrapped in babies and baked in apple pie Shawn Johnson.
I remember hearing that guns and duct tape were found in his car, and that he was convinced that she wanted him to father her child. Ryan has since been charged with one felony count of stalking and two misdemeanor counts of carrying a loaded firearm in a vehicle.

But hold on to your bags and bags of anti-psychotic drugs, it gets even weirder:

“The LAPD located a loaded .45 handgun, a loaded shotgun, and materials classically used for kidnapping including duct tape, zip ties, and a map to the victim. Also found were love letters, clippings and other information on the victim.”
“He had packed all his belongings and permanently left Florida to drive out here to be with [Shawn Johnson], he believes that she speaks to him personally through the television set and through ESP and that they will have a child together, he stated he would be with her no matter what.”

I’m going to ignore the humorous use of “classically” to describe kidnapping tools, and instead focus on the fact that Shawn Johnson has horrible super powers that threaten to invade our minds at any moment. Whatever you do, do NOT watch Dancing With the Stars, unless you also want to be driven insane and impregnated by her mutant seed. This threat must be controled people! Seriously scary.

In other stalker news, an Austrian fugitive was arrested in Mexico and deported back to her home country on Thursday so she can stand trial for stalking David Caruso.
WTF? David fucking Caruso?? Are you serious? According to the Associated Press, the woman wrote 100’s of fan letters to Caruso, asked him for an autograph, and then began writing letters threatening to kill him when he refused to give her one.
There is a CSI joke in here somewhere, but it’s eluding me. Someone break out the hammy acting and the blacklights so I can find it.

23 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Aww poor Shawn Johnson. I look at her and think of my younger sister. And I am scared for SJ right now. =\

  • Kelly.

    Clearly you have never been stalked. It is not funny. Period.

    What happens in your mind to make Shawn Johnson the brunt of your attempt at humor?

    I do know I have an option here. Don’t read Beet when you post.

    • Lighten the fuck up. For cryin’ out loud! Who let the politically correct police in?

      THIS IS A SNARKY GOSSIP SITE. Get over yourselves.

      • Gabriella may be sensitive, but Kelly is not funny. I really wanted to laugh when I saw her wholesome picture. Weekends suck around here.

      • Gabriella may be sensitive, but Kelly is not funny. I wanted to laugh as soon as I saw Shawn’s picture, but nooooooo! Weekends suck now.

      • Eww. Give Kelly a break!

        Then again, I do know where you’re coming from. I used to HATE weekends because of Soleil. She was the most unfunny, boring, annoyingly lame poster ever! And she only posted like 3 posts a day, (on a good day). I happen to love Kelly’s postings, but I guess it’s a matter of opinion. I am just so glad we have a new weekend poster! phew.

      • @arp arp arp-

        You know what’s funny? Soleil actually posted 8 a day. Same I did on weekends and same as Kelly does on weekends. We’ve all done the same amount yet everyone has different perceptions of who wrote more. It’s so funny!


      • @ Wendie

        first of all it’s called exaggeration, sarcasm if you will. I know she didn’t post three a day. I’m not THAT stupid. :-)

        second of all, I strongly disliked her writing. I can voice my oppinion on writers I like and don’t like. I LOVE your writing, I love beets writing and I love Kelly’s writing. I just happened to hate soleil’s writing style. No need to get bitchy…

      • @ Wendie

        Did Soleil really?

        That is funny because I also thought she didn’t post as much and that weekends were boring when she was here. How very strange!

      • I love Wendie. I miss the hell outa Soleil. I have never complained about the writing before, and I’m Old School Beet, from Back in Da Day. (Spiteful Lars et al). I heart Sasha most of all, so there.

      • @CazMinx-Yep. That was my point….just that everyone always thinks we weekend folk wrote different amounts and we all wrote the same. When Soleil came on board, a lot of people were very happy that she wrote so much more than me. Now Kelly is here and people are happy that she writes so much more than Soleil. We all write 8 a day.

        It’s just funny to observe how people perceive the quantity.

  • Poor Shawn, I feel bad for the kids.

    However, this is a site that is meant for snarkiness and joking around. There’s nothing wrong with Kelly joking around about anything. This is kinda what beet is about.

  • i heard from a bird that most stalkers (of women) pick those who are kind of meek and sweet and pretty and nice. that’s why maybe it pays to be a BIG ol’ bitch sometimes!! just nip it right in the bud………….snip snip.

  • 17-year-old wholesome as American flags wrapped in babies and baked in apple pie Shawn Johnson

    Ahahahaha. Kelly, you’re golden. Eff the haters!

  • I’d stalk her to, and find out where she lives break in and fuck that tight little ass all night!