Today's Evil Beet Gossip

The Return of Richard Simmons!

Here’s the always amusing Richard Simmons, taking Capitol Hill by storm on Thursday.

Simmons was at the Capitol to testify before the House Education and Labor Committee about expanding physical education in public schools to combat childhood obesity.

I went to a BBQ in a suburb a little bit north of Seattle earlier in the week, and the family had a badminton net in their backyard. I was like “Oh my God! Give me a shuttlecock!” I hadn’t played badminton since high school P.E., but I LOVED it back then. See, we decided early on that traditional badminton was quite dull, so my girlfriends and I invented Full-Contact Badminton. Basically, it’s just like traditional badminton, except you can attack the person on the other side of the net with your racquet or your body. Or, preferably, both. This went really well until one of the girls broke her arm during a particularly rousing game of Full-Contact Badminton. And then it was banned.

OMG I have so many great P.E. stories. Did you guys have to change into different clothes for P.E.? We did. And this one time in sixth grade, this one girl had a little orange stain on the bottom of her yellow P.E. shorts. Probably from a marker or something. I mean, it was freakin’ orange. And this other girl, who was kind of a bitch, was like “Oh my God! She got her period in her P.E. shorts!” And everyone laughed and then the girl with the shorts just turned around and smacked the chick straight across her face. We didn’t have to go to P.E. that day. Instead, we all sat in the gym and talked about “the incident,” and how we all needed to be respectful of the changes our bodies were undergoing. Even though this stain was soooo obviously orange.

Okay okay just one more. From fifth grade. Substitute teacher. Mrs. James. We loved having Mrs. James as a substitute, because she was always completely trashed. Just drunk out of her head. This particular day, Mrs. James was substituting for P.E., and it was kickball day. And we’re all playing kickball, and Mrs. James is wandering around the outfield muttering to herself and occasionally slurring instructions to us, and there’s this one girl in our class who has managed to be six feet tall in the fifth grade. I’m not kidding. She was very sweet, but she was gigantic. So this girl gets up to kick the kickball, and the pitch comes in, and she gives it a gigantic swing, and the ball soars out into the outfield, where it hits the unsuspecting Mrs. James right in the head, and Mrs. James’ drunk ass just topples right over. Amazing.

What was my point?

Oh yeah.

P.E. is awesome.

17 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Richard Simmons was at Capitol Hill to discuss the new scientific breakthrough in transplanting a person’s pubes to the top of the head to “cure” baldness…

    Oh, so many PE stories as well… I think they made us take half-assed PE just to ensure we have stories to laugh at when we got older.

  • …and after PE we discovered ‘fast food and/or beer’…..and with a ‘WHOOSH!’ , out the window blew our dreams and hopes of a healthy lifestyle!

  • OMG 2 funny. I loves it! Beet the dumb spam person was so confused on here~not the usual nice bull &then the dumb address. Keep them stories rollin in this is the answer 2 get them off yeah!

  • You know, I was just reading yesterday that a couple of personal trainers have launched “old school PE” classes to help older people relive their glory days and get fit at the same time. They even hold the classes in school gyms. Genius, I say. You should see if they have anything like that in Seattle, Beet.

  • Frankly, I regard Richard Simmons as a modern-day saint. He is a crusader for health and fitness and shows the deepest compassion and understanding to the most morbidly obese among us. Contrary to popular opinion, most overweight and/or obese people are highly concerned about their condition and many are trying hard to fight their way back to a healthy weight. Kudos to Richard Simmons for reaching out to those people…bedazzled gym suit or not…he’s truly a hero.

  • Rock on JoJo! Richard is the bomb. He cares about ppl that the rest of the US treats like leppers… AND hes worried about childrens health!

  • That picture seriously just became my background. Awesome. And I had a drunk lesbian PE teacher! Yay!

  • That was the stupidest, most random shit I’ve ever read. I can’t believe I wasted my time, but I kept thinking you might get back to the actual topic, which was supposed to be Richard Simmons…

  • I’m dying right now. The kickball story is so awesome. Last week I played in a kickball tourney and in the last game a dog wandered into the outfield and some big dude kicked the ball and it smacked the dog in the side and knocked the dog over. the dog got up and shat for like 3 straight minutes. I was DYING!

  • I miss P.E.
    But it was never really as fun after they decided that War was too “adult” for us to be playing. Essentially, it was dodge ball, but you set up those big blue mats on the walls, so you could hide behind them as trenches, and then there was a doctor who could run out and touch you if you were laying on the ground because you’d been hit, and you could get back up and play again.
    Of course, after that, they also decided that the balls we were using for normal dodgeball (and anything else involving a ball) were “too dangerous”, and made us use nerf balls. Which go all of two feet. It was epically lame.

  • In Junior High School, we had to wear this awful uniform for Gym. It was a blue striped tank top with with solid blue attached shorts and it was “one size fits most.” We would stretch the shorts down as far as we could and pull our arms inside the tank top part and waddle around. Our gym teacher thought we were pretty funny girls; well, when she wasn’t taking a slug off her hidden bottle of vodka. Good times.

  • Yah we had a hot guy gym teacher who was known to take girls back into his office at all time during the school day.

  • First of all I didn’t know Richard Simmons was still alive.

    Second, please no more stories about periods on this website.