Today's Evil Beet Gossip

TRAGEDY STRIKES! Jimmy Fallon Engaged! :(


You guys, I hate to bring you news like this. Hell, I hate to bring me news like this. Jimmy Fallon clearly didn’t get the memo that he is my boyfriend, and went and got his ass engaged to some loser movie producer. Her name is — you know what? Fuck what her name is. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter and her arms are fat. I’m going to call her Fat-Arms. My boyfriend and Fat-Arms got engaged at Fat-Arms’ family home in New Hampshire. He gave her a fancy diamond ring that will probably get stuck on her fat fingers and she’ll have to stick them in a tub of butter to get the ring off when they get divorced because he realizes we were meant to be together. Then she’ll probably eat all the butter.

Fat-Arms met my boyfriend on the set of the Drew Barrymore film Fever Pitch, because Fat-Arms owns Flower Films, the production company behind that particular cinematic opus, along with Drew Barrymore.

This is Jimmy’s first marriage because he was waiting for me until she brainwashed him. It’s also Fat-Arms’ first marriage, for reasons that should be by now obvious.

20 CommentsLeave a comment

  • He’s actually my friend’s boyfriend and mine is Seth Myers. All three of us hate his rented tux.

  • Ah, but do you hate it more than you hate his fiancee’s neon nail polish? It’s a tough call, I know.

  • Actually that’s not a tragedy. At least this way, he won’t be on the market and off frightening other women (or men) into sleeping with him.

  • Fat arms=fat thighs=shapeless frock. I bet she’s hiding a multitude of sins under that thing. Off to wipe a tear, light a candle at the Alter of Fallon and then eat a tub of Dove ice cream.

  • um, actually I don’t think she has fat arms. she has pretty normal arms. either that or i have fat arms… anyways, it’s a shapeless dress that makes your arms look fat. she should sue whoever sold her that dress.

    my condolences on the loss of your bf. your loss is drew’s bff’s gain.

  • Oh dear… you made me choke on my cordial. That was GOLD!! Obviously you are right and she has brainwashed him… explains why he is wearing that hideous tuxedo!

  • Y’all bitches need to stop hatin’. Jimmy looks like an albino monkey. He;s ugly, and don’t hate on him because he likes his women with a little meat on their bones.

  • That’s Nancy Juvonen he married and she’s hot. Get a clue. They are an adorable couple together. She is a hard-working, intelligent and passionate head of a film company she started organically out of a genuine love of movies. She has offered the world a lot more of value through her vision and leadership while producing film projects than any of you jealous, moronic fools who sit at home snarking over the accomplishments, happiness or relationships of others when your own pathetic lives fail to measure up to anything worthwhile. I don’t feel guilty in the least for holding a mirror back up to some of you after the baseless criticism you leveled on someone you don’t even know. You guys are the worst most pathetic breed of human: brainless, soulless and blind.

    I’m sure they could care less about your pathetic insults, but I for one don’t understand what about the anonymity of the internet makes it okay to act like barbarians instead of human beings. If you call convened here initially out of some love for Jimmy Fallon, then there may still be hope for you. So knock it off with the hatin’ and get a life before it is too late!

  • She is really, really, really too old for him. The reason it is ok for really old men like that, to marry young women, is that they can have kids forever. Women have a biological clock and their eggs get too old somewhere around 45. She is also very overweight, which is not conducive to conception either. This is not an insult, it is just fact. Kindness eminates from the core of his being and it is just sad that someone so terrific will be denied the joy of having children. In about 5 years, do not be surprised if they are divorced. It is inevitable, but I wish them the best of luck, they do need it.

  • @Markus I get your drift on where you were going there. I often think of my past and use it as a means to analyze where I am and where I want to get to. Where I struggel is balancing it all out. How do you guys balance things out?

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