Today's Evil Beet Gossip

The Asshole who Slept with My Brother

Hoping that the still-murky landscape of Internet law will deter the obvious libel charges, has established a targeted marketer’s wet dream: a website where women can share horror stories about the men they’ve been with who have perpetrated horrible, thoughtless acts that they are likely to repeat in the future, along with their names, locations and photographs. Or, more plausibly, it’s a website where women can make nasty shit up about that guy from the bar who never called again after you gave him a blow job under the DJ booth. Hell hath no fury, &c. The Google adbots don’t have to work too hard to get this one right.

It is, obviously, a business model equally arousing for civil-court lawyers and people who derive pleasure from watching the trainwrecks of other people’s lives on the Internet. I left law school three years short of a J.D., but I fall squarely into the latter category. This place is schadenfreude heaven, and a comedic goldmine to boot. I’ll add first that the following data is notably alleged:

Some highlights:

Bryant Wells, of the greater Pittsburgh area, is a “cheatin ass lyin ass nigga” although the author “ain’t even goin lie he looks good.” Apparently this guy will bang anything that walks, which is understandable, because, at 5-foot-3, you take what you can get.

Ephraim Reavis, of Philadelphia, was cheating on his fiancee and managed to contract the herpes virus in the process. Don’t let him try to prove otherwise, because “he knows people who work at free health clinics who will give him a clean bill of health.” Can you imagine this conversation? How is this done? STD test results are produced in a lab, right, even if the tests are administered in a clinic? So do they have “Hug Me I’m Herpes-Free” stickers they award to the fortunate few? Or does this mildly retarded chick walk into the local free clinic with this dude, go up to the front desk and say “Can you please confirm for me that this guy doesn’t have the herp? Get out your ID, baby.”

[Name removed per request], of [location removed per request], sleeps with lots of girls at the same time, and “felt it was okay to Jerk off in front of me on our 1st and 2nd date.” I doubt this guy was concerned much with your potential reaction on the first date, sweetie, but I assure you he’d determined it was 100% okay when you showed up for the second date.

And my favorite:

[Name redacted], of Manhattan, NY, “doesnt only like girls ladies he is bisexual.” How does she know this? Because he had sex with her brother, and “my brother felt guilty and just told me the truth after finding…out [that Name Redacted had chlamydia].” Since the author claims to be STD-free, she has deduced that “he was freaking 2 other girls maybe more and my brother.” This is another conversation I would like to be in the room to hear. “Hey, I gotta be straight with you, sis. Actually, maybe that’s not the right word to use here…”

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