Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Kim Kardashian sent Kris Jenner a very special email

kim kardashian kris jenner

I’m pretty sure Kris Jenner is some sort of evil mastermind, hell bent on controlling the lives of her daughters – each of whom she’s whored out to the highest bidder since they were able to make duck lips on Instagram – and everything about them: their money, their image, their business endorsements, etc. She also knows just how to put them in their places when they get a bit too cheeky for their own good. That has to be true, since I can’t think of another reason Kris felt the need to share an email sent to her by her most lucrative daughter (for the moment), Kim Kardashian:


I’m not quite sure what to make of the fact that Kim thinks Amish is spelled “omish”, though perhaps we can’t blame her for spelling phonetically. I suppose we should be lucky she can compose an email at all. Besides, maybe she’s right – maybe we do need more “chic, tights dresses” in our lives. What do I know?

Either way, I think Kris is an evil genius who thought, “Huh, you think you’re telling me something about fashion? I’ll humiliate you!”… though considering no one ever believed Kim was a Mensa scholar, I don’t know how effective that plan was.

British man spends $150,000 to look like Kim Kardashian

kim kardashian

I suppose I owe you all an apology, as I know you’re going to have this image burned into your retinas for all eternity. This 23-year-old old British man, whose name is Jordan James Parke, apparently spent upwards of $150,000 to look more like Kim Kardashian. The resemblance is uncanny, don’t you think?

“I love everything about Kim,” he told The Sun. “She’s the most gorgeous woman ever. Her skin is perfect, her hair, everything about her.”

Apparently he’s had “lip and cheek fillers, laser hair removal, Botox, eyebrow tattoos and veneers”. God help us all. This is such a sad state of affairs on so many levels. I hope this guy spends his next $150k on some professional mental health counseling.

Also, shame on plastic surgeons who are so money hungry and unprofessional that they willingly cater to people like this, who are clearly not mentally stable. This goes above and beyond helping someone feel more confident. This is just ridiculous.


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Kim Kardashian cropped North West out of her selfie and the internet went crazy

kim kardashian north west

I don’t know why anyone on God’s green earth would be surprised that Kim Kardashian is vain and self-centered enough to crop her own child out of her selfie because it was harshing her duck lips vibe, but apparently they were because that’s exactly what happened yesterday.

Kim posted the above photo on Instagram yesterday, where you can clearly see a little sliver of North West. Her followers went INSANE, calling her selfish, saying how this is a sign that Kim has lost her last grip on reality, etc. I mean, she is and she has, but are any of us HONESTLY, seriously shocked that a woman who’s dumb enough to think it’s totally fine to sit on your phone taking pictures of yourself all night when you’re supposed to be on a date wouldn’t crop her kid out of her pictures to preserve her ~sexiness~? COME ON.

Here’s Kim’s response to the drama:

kim kardashian twitter

Well, that says it all – we can’t have accessory children get in the way of our vanity when we’re really feeling ourselves!

I mean, look, I don’t think it’s some cardinal sin or anything that her kid isn’t in a selfie, but I just think her total indignation over this thing is laughable. She honestly has no idea why people would think there’s an issue with it – which, let’s be honest, is more an issue in principal than in reality, but whatever – and it’s yet another display of her utter cluelessness.

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Kim Kardashian reveals Kanye West’s rules for dating

kim kardashian kanye west

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West‘s marriage has lasted far longer than anyone ever thought (and longer than her made-for-TV marriage to the oafish football player guy whose name I can’t even remember), so they must be in a great position to share their secrets to a healthy and happy relationship, right? It all goes back to their dating days, when Kanye set some serious rules for their time together.

“When we first started dating it was rude if we brought our phones with us out, so I learned from him not to bring my phone.”

“We have rules at the table. If we are eating at a restaurant, we’ll wait to do it (take pictures) when we are done eating.” She even praised Yeezus for the rule. “He’s taught me to take a little time for myself and I’ve taught him stop a little more to take time and take pictures and stuff.”

Question – and a serious one: Is Kim Kardashian really that stupid that she honestly had no idea that it was rude to sit staring at your phone all night when you’re out with someone you’re in a relationship with? Is she that self-absorbed that she WANTED to be staring at her phone all night when she was out with someone she was supposedly falling in love with? I’m almost afraid to know the answer (though I think I already do).

Anyhow, here’s video of Kim talking about this, and performing the infamous “Meep meep, get out of me car” Vine, which she’s apparently obsessed with:

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Pippa Middleton And Kim Kardashian Talk About Butts

pippa-middleton-kim-kardashian

Kim Kardashian broke the Internet with her major butt, and Pippa Middleton is a bit confused as to why that happened. She doesn’t understand America’s obsession with butts, and she wrote about it in a column for The Spectator‘s Christmas Special, via E!:

No year is complete without a bottom story, and the ‘Rear of 2014′ award undoubtedly goes to Kim Kardashian, after her posterior exploded all over the internet last month. I must say that mine—though it has enjoyed fleeting fame—is not comparable.

But the Kim butt story did make me pause. What is it with this American booty culture? It seems to me to be a form of obsession. Kim’s aim, apparently, was to break the Internet, but I’m not sure she’s going the right way about it.

(Polite) shots fired! Frankly, Pippa, I don’t get it either. And I doubt Kim’s “business tactics” as well. I don’t think there’s an American out there who doesn’t. We accept her butt the way we accept a crazy old uncle at a family event; we’re not totally thrilled about it, but we know he’s not going away, so we may as well take photos of him and hashtag the hell out of it. I think that metaphor may have gotten away from me there; that’s okay.

Kim has something to say about Pippa’s butt. She told E!:

I love her. She has an amazing booty. She’s beautiful.

That’s kind of Kim. I think she may have overshot it a bit though.

What do you think? Let’s talk butts. Who really has the best butt in Hollywood?

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Best And Worst Celebrity Looks Of The Week!

Taylor Swift and her Bambi legs welcome you in.

Taylor Swift and her Bambi legs welcome you.

How’s everybody doing? This week went by lickety-split for me. I can hardly believe it’s time once again to critique and criticize celebrity looks! And why not? Gotta get the aggression out somehow, am I right? Naw, but we like to have fun here.

Anyway, go through the photos and make your pick for who has the BEST, WORST, and most WTF look of the week! Hooray! (Hint: Kim Kardashian is gunning for WTF, once again.)

amy+adams

Amy Adams. I mean, it’s not a bad dress, but the whole effect is a little meh for my tastes. A bit drab, no?

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Kim Kardashian blames God for her pregnancy weight gain

kim kardashian

Kim Kardashian gave birth to daughter North West over a year ago, but she’s still yammering on about the experience like she’s the first woman to ever be pregnant on earth. I can’t with her, especially since she’s actually claimed that all that pregnancy weight she put on was a punishment from God and was all his (His?) doing.

From Elle UK:

“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’”

“My body just went crazy. After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body.”

Change the record, lady. Women have been having babies with much less pomp and circumstance for thousands of years, so enough already. Don’t worry, though, guys – she’s totally into herself NOW and claims that her body (which is all completely and utterly natural and the way God made her, of course – AHEM) is something she’s grown to really love because OTHER people love it.

“It’s taken me a long time to be happy with my body and for my confidence to grow to what it is today,” she admits. “I grew up when the body to have was the tall, slim, supermodel one, like Cindy Crawford’s. No one looked like me. It’s good to break the mould and recreate one.

“I’m an Armenian girl, I have shape, and it turned out people liked that. That makes me feel good about myself and about other women for being so supportive. I am a confident woman, but I didn’t just arrive confident – it has built over the years and that is a big part of who I am now.”

“When I was 13 my father wrote me a letter. I was unhappy with my body – I developed really early. Every night I would sit in the bath and cry, I prayed my boobs would stop growing. He told me I had a body not many girls have, that later it would lead to attention from men, but that the most important thing was that I was a wonderful girl and I had to understand my self worth.”

Great ideals her father taught her, there. “Love your big boobs – men certainly will!” I seriously wish this woman would stop talking for a while. Or, you know, forever.

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