Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Caption This: Last Week’s Photo and This Week’s Winner

photo of joe simpson pictures
It’s time for another round of weekly winnings for the Evil Beet Caption This contests! Check it out, and if you’re the winner, I’ll be sending you an email to collect your mailing information in order to send your prize. Sure hope you registered with a valid email address!

We’ll be choosing the winner of the above photo next Tuesday, so tune in to find out who it is!

The winner on last week’s Rihanna photo: Erica
“This time Chris Brown tried to blow up Rihanna but bitch still insists she’s in love and indestructable.”

First runner-up: Steven McCloud
“Porn movie title: DICKstruction! Guy: Sorry honey, I thought I’d be alright driving while you gave me a blowjob. Girl: It’s ok. C’mon let’s go. I’m still horny.”

Second runner-up: Anonyous
“Damn girl! Why did you have to go and ask him who he was texting?”

Congrats to Erica! As for the rest of you, get commenting if you want to win some free crap! (And for the love of God, check your damn email if you want to win the prize! The first runner-up will be notified that they’re getting the prize if you don’t claim it, guys!)

Love It or Leave It: Ke$ha’s … Look (?)

photo of ke$ha pictures fashion picture
So I’ve come to the conclusion that though I don’t understand much of what Ke$ha is about aside from glitter, Jack Daniels, oral sex, and that wet-penny smell, I’m going to just judge her fashion based on regular old Ke$ha standards, which are entirely different from the standards that you and I might use in real life.

That said? This outfit isn’t entirely all that bad. Especially when you compare it to some of Ke$ha’s other lovely fashion choices, such as this:

photo of ke$ha suck it tattoo pictures
Oh wait, no. My bad. Not that. This:

photo of ke$ha terrible outfit pictures
Because do you remember that? I do. And of course, this:

photo of ke$ha pictures fashion pic
On a negative note, did girlfriend do something to her lips? Because they’re looking abnormally … plump, I guess you could say. Because “plump” is polite and not at all as offensive as if I were to say “two pieces of filleted liver with alabaster #2 cover liquid makeup all over them.” Nope, not nearly as rude.

People Are Saying Demi Lovato Bombed the National Anthem. Also, I’m Alive!

photo of demi lovato pictures world series pictures
I’ll leave it up to you to decide, though (about Demi bombing the Anthem, not me being alive, because I promise you, this post is coming to you live and I am not at all dead). Here’s Demi‘s Star Spangled Banner rendition at game five of the World Series, and while I don’t think it was as bad as some critics are saying (because some critics, guys, are saying it’s pretty f-cking awful), I can say, with much conviction, that it’s not nearly as good or cute as Zooey Deschanel’s, which we ran yesterday. Get on with your bad self:

So, alright. Girl can sing. Not bad, OK? I just liked Zooey‘s rendition much better. Here’s hers, and you can tell me your thoughts:


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Justin Timberlake on His Wedding: “Grown Men Were Weeping”

A photo of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel

From Us Weekly:

As Us Weekly reported last week, Justin Timberlake serenaded bride Jessica Biel with an original new ballad at their Oct. 19 wedding in Puglia, Italy. Now, in a new interview with Britain’s Hello! magazine, the 31-year-old crooner confirms that he sang for Biel, 30 — as she walked down the aisle!

“I figured if there was something I was going to be able to offer, it would be to sing her down the aisle,” Timberlake explains to the magazine. And his soulful sweet sounds moved their 150 guests (including Andy Samberg, Beverley Mitchell and Questlove) looking on inside the chapel at Borgo Egnazia resort.

“Grown men were weeping. Hopefully it’s because I didn’t sound bad,” Timberlake reveals.

For her big bridal moment, the Total Recall actress donned a custom-made Giambattista Valli gown — in pink!

“[It] was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,” Timberlake tells Hello.

One of Timberlake’s most memorable moments from the weeklong, multi-million dollar bash? The round of cheers from their friends and loved ones after exchanging vows.

“To hear all of our family and friends cheering at extremely loud, inappropriate decibel levels, that became the pinnacle of the ceremony,” he says. “It felt perfect. It felt like everything came together.”

As for why the couple — who had also mulled a California wedding early on — chose Italy? “We love to eat,” he explained.

Grown men were weeping, Justin Timberlake? Oh, I’m sure. I’m sure Andy Samberg was just hunched over in his seat, bawling at the beauty of your song. I’m sure, if they had been invited, your brothers from NSYNC would have been that moved as well. But the grown man weeping the most? I believe that would have been Jessica Biel‘s father. He would have been weeping all week just from the knowledge that his daughter truly found a winner.

Taylor Swift Has A New Boyfriend Already

A photo of Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran

Ugh, of course she does. It’s been five days since we heard about the painful, heartbreaking breakup of Taylor and her Kennedy, which is like, way too much downtime for Tay Tay, but, luckily for her, she already had a boy on standby.

The boy in that photo above is the boy in question. His name, in case you’re not familiar, is Ed Sheeran. He has a duet with Taylor on her new album called “Everything Has Changed,” and they are totes in love. Totes. Taylor called Ed her “favorite,” which is kind of creepy coming from her, and Ed called Taylor “such a sweetheart.” Also, he’s going to be her opening act on her upcoming tour. So while nothing’s been confirmed, this isn’t too big of a conclusion to come to, is it?

But here’s the kicker. Ed got a new tattoo:

A photo of Ed Sheeran

Yeah, he already has a few, but see if you can spot the one I’m talking about. It’s the one that says “Red.” He got a tattoo of the title of Taylor’s new album. That actually happened.

So what do you guys think? Is it on or is it on?

Children’s Services Paid A Visit to The Kardashian House

A photo of Kylie Jenner and Kendall Jenner

I know it’s hard to remember, what with the constant fame whoring of her older daughters, but Kris Jenner is still the mother of two teenage girls. Kendall Jenner is 16, and little Kylie is 15. Earlier this year, Kris pulled them out of high school so they could get started on making some real money (that actually happened – they both model now, and they’re “homeschooled”), and now, she’s been reported for abuse.

From Radar:

The Los Angeles County of Department of Children and Family Services and cops made a welfare check to Bruce and Kris Jenner’s Calabasas mansion after someone made an anonymous call alleging that their daughters, Kendall and Kylie were in distress, is exclusively reporting.

“On Friday several sheriff’s deputies from the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department Lost Hills station and social workers from the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services made an unexpected visit to Bruce and Kris Jenner’s house after someone made an anonymous call that their daughters were in danger and in distress,” a law enforcement source told RadarOnline.comexclusively.

“Social workers met with the girls individually and determined that they were fine but out of an abundance of caution, cops and social workers will be making another visit to the house Monday afternoon before they officially close the case. Under California law, anytime a call is made to DCFS alleging that a minor is in danger, whether of physical or emotional abuse, it must be investigated.”

There’s no word yet on how yesterday’s visit went, but you know nothing happened, because Kendall and Kylie aren’t being abused. They’re being pimped: subtle difference.

Octomom Went to Rehab

A photo of Nadya Suleman

From TMZ:

Nadya Suleman has checked herself into rehab for a prescription drug problem … leaving her 14 kids without a mother for 30 straight days … TMZ has learned.

A rep for Octomom tells us … Nadya admitted herself into the Chapman House Drug Rehabilitation Center in Southern California over the weekend after acknowledging she’s become dependent on  Xanax … an anti-anxiety drug … which she began taking to “deal with stress.”

Suleman’s rep tells us, “Nadya wanted to get off the Xanax she was prescribed by her doctor and learn to deal with her stress, exhaustion and anxiety with professional help with a team of doctors. Nadya wanted to deal with her issues and make sure she is the best mother she can be.”

As for the kids … we’re told Nadya is using 3 nannies and 2 friends to divvy up the child care duties. She also has a driver  to take the kids to and from school.

Neither Nadya’s mother nor father have been tapped to care for the kids.

We’re told Nadya can afford to pay for treatment by herself — because she’s been making a ton of money from her porn career — but the rehab facility offered to pick up the tab anyway.

Well, this is kind of unexpected. Not that she went to rehab, that part’s awesome – when you’re a single mother with fourteen kids, I imagine you have to be in your best shape possible – but her drug of choice. She’s always seemed kind of unbalanced, you know, with the whole crazy pregnancy thing and all, but Xanax? I thought people who were addicted to Xanax just kind of sat there and nodded off. Is that wrong? I would have thought she was more of an uppers girl. But then again, maybe she got addicted to being chill, which would have been a problem with her before. Because she has fourteen f-cking kids.

Get well soon, girl! For real though, work on your issues because, no shame, but you’ve got a lot of them.