Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Caption This: Last Week’s Winner and This Week’s Photo!

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It’s time for another round of weekly winnings for the Evil Beet Caption This contests! Check it out, and if you’re the winner, I’ll be sending you an email to collect your mailing information in order to send your prize. Sure hope you registered with a valid email address!

We’ll be choosing the winner of the above photo next Tuesday, so tune in to find out who it is!

The winner on last week’s Lindsay Lohan photo: Vee
“I think there is some coke left under this nail …”

First runner-up: CranAppleSnapple
“That’s commitment. At the ass end of the Liz Taylor movie, Lindsay reveals the old age body, and it’s actually hers, not movie magic.”

Second runner-up: Meli
“Just ate another booger!”

Congrats to Vee! As for the rest of you, get commenting if you want to win some free crap! (And for the love of God, check your damn email if you want to win the prize! The first runner-up will be notified that they’re getting the prize if you don’t claim it, guys!)

theAMlinks

photo of jennifer aniston justin theroux engaged pictures ring pic
Ashley Greene in a bikini—not as hot as you might think. [The Superficial]

And Lindsay Lohan‘s in a bikini, too. [The Superficial]

Itty bitty airmail earrings. [The Frisky]

The Crocs founder was found ‘drunk as crap’. [TMZ]

Zach Galifianakis got married. [Starpulse]

Detox with dem babies! [Lainey Gossip]

Miley might not be so sure about her haircut now. [Socialite Life]

Even Mexico doesn’t want Lindsay Lohan. [Yeeeah]

Is Kim Kardashian’s butt getting bigger? [Amy Grindhouse]

Why you need the Unicorn Horn. [theBERRY]

Anderson Cooper was with his boyfriend when the cheating-boyfriend pictures broke. [Cele|bitchy]

And now everybody besides Madonna hates Lady Gaga, too. [Cele|bitchy]

Amber Heard and her boobs were endorsed by someone. [IDLYITW]

Did Cory Monteith dump Lea Michele? [I'm Not Obsessed]

But where’s your engagement ring, Jennifer Aniston? [LA Times]

Katy Perry is embarrassed to be seen with John Mayer in daylight. [Lainey Gossip]

Quotables: Another Celebrity Outs John Travolta

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“There needs to be, like, a professional athlete that comes out. And a movie star! It’s time…Like John Travolta? Come out! Come on. How many masseurs have to come forward? Let’s do this.”

First of all, it’s none of Rashida’s business when it comes to John Travolta making the decision to come out or not. Do I think he’s gay? Well, yes. Does Rashida? Apparently. Does the rest of the world? More than likely. However, I don’t know where there’s anything written down in the Gay Creed about “coming out” being an integral part of the homosexual experience. You know, some people are very private about who they date, what kind of person they like, how their relationships turn out … why should gay people be any different? Why is it mandatory that people “come out” if they don’t choose to? If I had a particular type, say, 6′ tall, dark hair, stubble-faced, and blue eyes, do I need to go around wearing a signboard that says so? Should I go ’round making public statements to the tune of, “Yes, my type, ladies and gentlemen, is tall, dark, and handsome?” No, because that would just be stupid. People would be all like, “Oh, OK, wow. That’s news right there, now, isn’t it?” Dumb.

I think Rashida should *probably* shut her silly mouth, and remember that when Carrie Fisher “outed” John Travolta, she wasn’t looked upon too kindly, either.

I’m not a Travolta-lover by any means, because if the masseur-assaulting has any bit of truth to it, that’s just messed up, but I don’t think—at all—that someone should be forced or coaxed to come out if they don’t feel the innate need. Come on.

Go back to ironically dating Jake Gyllenhaal or whatever, Rashida, because unless you actually start doing something interesting, we’re probably not going to talk about you again for some time, OK, girl? Will that be alright with you?

New Taylor Swift Music! New Taylor Swift Music!

A photo of Taylor Swift

And that’s the cover of the very first single from her new album. Like, for real. That’s really it. It’s actually called “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Here’s the song itself:

Taylor is 22 years old. Does everyone remember that? 22. Good lord.

The new album is titled Red, which sounds very mature, and it will be released on October 22nd. A while back, someone asked Taylor about the songs she’d been writing for her new album, and she answered “they’re sad, if I’m being honest.” Because allegedly? A lot of the songs are about her parents’ divorce. Which, by the way, hasn’t happened yet. They’re just separated, they don’t want to actually file for divorce yet because they don’t want to hurt Taylor. Who, just in case you forgot, is 22 years old.

But hey, who do you think Taylor’s new song is about? Probably John Mayer, I’d wager. I imagine that Jake Gyllenhaal* and Taylor Lautner have long since found new beards to love and leave since their brushes with the Swift.

*Real quick, Taylor has gone from Jake Gyllenhall to this floppy-headed kid. What an unbelievable downgrade, am I right?

Robert Pattinson Had Ice Cream with Jon Stewart Last Night

Poor Robert Pattinson. He couldn’t even eat his ice cream because he thought that he was going to “split my Spanx.” Bless his heart.

But, as always, our dear Rob was charming, adorable, and a little awkward during his interview last night with Jon Stewart. If you can’t watch the interview, here are a few excerpts.

From E! Online:

Stewart handled his business-as-usual interview turned major get with comedic flair, beginning mock-awkwardly with, “What have you been up to?”

“I had a joke prepared!” Pattinson protested, feigning dismay. “God damn it. I was all set up and ready to go.”

“OK, let’s just do this,” the host continued, busting out two pints of Ben & Jerry’s (Cherry Garcia for him, Karamel Sutra for his guest) and a couple of spoons.

“Now, we’re just a couple of gals talking,” Stewart said. “All right…Tell me everything.”

“I’m trying to avoid eating this, I’m going to split my Spanx,” the Cosmopolis star deadpanned.

“So what are we doing here? Are you all right? Is everything OK? I’m worried about you,” Stewart continued things along.

“My biggest problem in my life is I’m cheap, and I didn’t hire a publicist,” Pattinson revealed. “I’m going to hire a publicist.”

“I think you should,” Stewart agreed, “although, unless you have a time machine…”

“Either way,” Pattinson replied.

And here’s a little quote from People:

But when Stewart noted that for young people going through a breakup sometimes feels like the end of the world, Pattinson answered, “It is.”

The audience then went “Awwwwwww.”

So essentially, Robert Pattinson is a darling angel of a man who deserves all the kindness and hugs and ice cream in the world. That, and now I really, really can’t wait for his interview with Good Morning America tomorrow.

Kim Kardashian Wants to Get Divorced Already So She Can Get Married Again

A photo of Kim Kardashian

Bear with me here, ok? I’m sure we’ve heard a similar story before: Kim Kardashian is finally with her one true love (of 2012), Kanye, and they’re going to get married and love each other forever (for three months), but that mean man, Kris Humphries, won’t let true love be because of his greed and his stupid face. Yeah, yeah. But I think this particular story is a little more interesting, because it shows that Kim Kardashian has truly changed for the better. Wait for it.

From Radar:

Kim Kardashian is growing increasingly impatient with the ongoing divorce proceedings with her estranged husband, Kris Humphries, because the reality TV star is talking marriage with her boyfriend, hip-hop superstar Kanye West, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

“There is going to be a scheduled status conference on Wednesday for Kim and Kris’ divorce. Kris has already been deposed, but Kim hasn’t been yet. Kim has told her lawyer that the case is dragging because Kris is determined to keep his name in the press and drag her name through the mud. Kim is ready to get engaged to Kanye, but doesn’t want to until her divorce is finalized,” a source close to the situation tells us.

“Kim feels that Kanye is the man she is going to spend the rest of her life with, and she doesn’t want to wait. Kim’s deposition will likely take place in the next few weeks, but she feels nothing is going to be gained by it,” the source added.

As we previously reported, during the course of Kim’s romance with her soon to-be-ex-husband, the reality star would constantly nag the basketball player about his two dogs, a Yorkshire Terrier named Gizmo and a Chihuahua named Brodi because he allowed them to sleep on his bed, and he refused to put them outside as she insisted. Humphries contends that he was duped into marrying Kim last year and that their marriage was a fraud.

Kardashian’s lawyer, Laura Wasser, has told Team Humphries, if he loses at the divorce trial, “He will have to pay her legal fees. This doesn’t phase Kris at all, as he just signed a very lucrative contract with the Brooklyn Nets. Kris is in no rush at all for the divorce to be finalized, he just wants the truth to come out. Kris will see this through to the end, which for him, will be a very public divorce trial, and this isn’t about the money. The only way this doesn’t go to trial is if Kim admits the marriage was a sham and publicly apologizes to Kris and his family, which she has no intention of doing,” the insider tells us.

See? The old Kim wouldn’t have thought twice about getting engaged while still legally married. She would have gladly put that ring on her finger, and then she’d tell everyone that she can’t help it, because she’s a “hopeless romantic.” Honestly, if another sex tape came out, a big messy orgy with seven other dudes all peeing with Kim right in the middle, she’d just be like “oh, I’m a hopeless romantic, you know, I just followed my heart.” At least, the old Kimmy would.

Our girl is growing up!

Quotables: Jean-Claude Van Damme Boinked Kylie Minogue, Kept it Secret for Almost Two Decades

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“I tell you what, you should ask her. She’ll have a better memory. I’m 51 years old, do you know how much I was punched in the face on The Expendables? No, no. No. And let’s just say it happened, so what? Who wants to know? … Sometimes you let go of stuff … I don’t know, maybe. Yes. OK. Yes, yes, yes. It happened. I was in Thailand, we had an affair. … Sweet kiss, beautiful lovemaking. It would be abnormal not to have had an affair, she’s so beautiful and she was there in front of me every day with a beautiful smile, simpatico, so charming, she wasn’t acting like a big star. I knew Thailand very well, so I showed her my Thailand. She’s a great lady.”

First of all, ew on the Jean-Claude Van Damme thing. Because seriously, ew. I don’t think JCVD was hot even during his prime, and doing movies like Street Fighter, Bloodsport, and Knockoff. Eek. Second? Kylie Minogue, huh? Well. I guess she should just consider herself to be lucky, being that ol’ Jean-Claude there felt that she was worthy enough to have an affair with. Good thing she was so charming and had such a beautiful smile, otherwise it might not have happened at all.

Now maybe we know who Kylie wrote this song about:

But in all seriousness, what the hell was she thinking? Yikes.