Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Snooki Is As Classy As The Day Is Long

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Yep, this is a photo of Snooki pushing a box of Coors Light in a stroller. I was going put up a headline like “BREAKING: Snooki Had Her Baby!” but I didn’t want to freak you guys out or anything when in reality, it’s just Snooki pushing a box of Coors Light in a stroller.

I’m not sure what the story behind this photo is. I don’t know where Snooki was going, or why she had the stroller, or why she had the Coors Light (why does anyone ever have Coors Light?). All I know is that this is a beautiful photograph, and I want to hang it in a frame in my home. Just study it for a moment. Look at the vibrant colors. The contrast of the Pepsi bottle with the Diet Pepsi bottle. The way Snooki is pushing a box of Coors Light in a stroller.

Kris Jenner Is “Proud” That Her Daughters Are “So Sexy”

A photo of Kris Jenner

Oh, but just so you’re completely clear on what we’re talking about here, this is a story about how Kris Jenner is proud that her youngest daughters are so sexy. I mean, I’m sure she’s proud of Kim and all, but no, right now we’re talking about Kendall and Kylie. The 16-year-old and the 14-year-old. Yeah:

In typical American families, parents display photos of their teenagers – innocent yearbook shots and department store portraits – on the mantel or along the stairway wall. But there is nothing typical about the Kardashians: matriarch momanager Kris Jenner is drawing fire for allowing Kendall, 16, and Kylie, 14 -her daughters with second husband Bruce Jenner – to be photographed in precociously sexy attire. Do a Google Image search and you’ll find pages of bare skin such as Kendall’s erotically-charged swimwear spreads for the Australian brand White Sands and Flavor, a Parisian magazine that has nothing to do with recipes.

Kris totally encourages it an insider says. ”She’s proud that Kendall and Kylie are so sexy.” Big sister Kim Kardashian, who, after all, first earned fame in a sex video made with ex-boyfriend Ray-J, is proud, too. “Kim sees nothing wrong with it,” the source says. ”She actually took them for their first bikini wax when Kendal was 14 and Kylie was only 12!” But everyone is on board. “Khloe and Kourtney are starting to think it’s over the top,” the insider reveals. “But Bruce Jenner is the most concerned. It makes him cringe.”

Maybe it’s all harmless. Or not. “Look at Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan or even Demi Lovato,” the insider tells OK! “They were way too sexy too young is has really wrecked them. Demi has come out of it but not without extreme therapy. No one wants to see Kendall and Kylie go through that sort of agony.

Once again, Kris Jenner is so deserving of a Mother of the Year award. But hey, grab Kim a Sister of the Year one while you’re at it. She took a 12-year-old to get a bikini wax? It’s so awkward just to read that, I can’t imagine living it. But hey, I guess when your family is famous because your sister got erotically urinated on, anything goes.

Love It or Leave It: Lindsay as Liz as Cleopatra

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

Did you know that the absolute shitshow known as Liz & Dick has finished filming? They finished yesterday. So no more hilarious photos from the set, no more hilarious stories about Lindsay screwing up. It’s all over, and now all we have to look forward to is the movie itself. Which, oh yeah, is going to be fabulous.

But you guys know Lindsay. She wouldn’t dream of making us wait all the way till August to see her stunning portrayal of Elizabeth Taylor again. No, she gave us one last photo to tease us, to pull us through until the premiere. And my, what a photo it is.

Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra is probably the most iconic Elizabeth Taylor, right? So I don’t have to show you a picture of Liz in the costume, do I? It’s ok, I will anyway:

A photo of Elizabeth Taylor

And, of course:

A photo of Lindsay Lohan and Elizabeth Taylor

Remarkable. But I wonder why Elizabeth originally chose not to depict the real Cleopatra’s coke bloat, because, as you can see in Lindsay’s picture, it really adds so much more to the character.

Tom Cruise Wasn’t Having the ‘Dawson’s Creek’ Reunion

photo of katie holmes first photo after announcing divorce pictures
Remember how we talked about this not so long ago and concluded that it would be complete, fresh awesomeness if the kids of ‘Dawson’s Creek’ did end up reuniting for a big-screen project? Because we did, and it would, and now you can thank Tom Cruise for trying to not let that happen. Us has an exclusive story that Tom wasn’t going to let Katie anywhere near the project, for fear of

From Us:

Audiences first fell in love with Katie Holmes as girl-next-door Joey Potter on Dawson’s Creek, a role she relished for six seasons. But when Holmes was approached about possibly reuniting with her former costars James Van Der Beek, 35, and Joshua Jackson, 34, the actress’ husband, Tom Cruise, 49, nixed the idea.

“[Producers] were begging her to sign on for a reunion movie,” a source tells the new issue of Us Weekly (out now). “Tom said absolutely no way and thought going backward would be bad.”

Holmes, on the other hand, “didn’t care how ‘low-brow’ he thinks Dawson’s Creek is,” the source adds. “She wanted to do the movie and reconnect with her fans. And have fun — something she rarely does anymore.”

Yes, because that makes so much sense. Let’s completely put the kibosh on something that made us utterly famous to begin with, just so we don’t look like we’re going backward (like, you know, Tom’s age). And hanging out with that—ugh!—box-office magic/A-list queen Michelle Williams would probably completely destroy Katie’s reputation, merely by associating with her. It would *especially* be bad if Katie were to, you know, get out of the house and actually socialize with anyone aside from her soon-to-be-ex-husband and daughter, Suri. Bad, bad Katie. I don’t know what she could have been thinking even considering this project.

God. All I know is that I am so, so proud to live in a world where Katie Holmes is sticking it to this gigantor bag of busted dicks. Because Tom Cruise is a gigantor bag of busted dicks.

thePMlinks

photo of skinny thin diane kruger pictures
Katie Holmes will get nothing from the prenup. [The Superficial]

Kim‘s not washing her hair anymore. [Bitten and Bound]

Natalie Portman‘s getting married! [Starpulse]

PHOTO: Chris Hemsworth and his daughter. [Hollywood PQ]

Carly Rae Jepsen nudes. [Socialite Life]

Bar Refaeli likes ginger pubes. [Celebslam]

Sea Org doesn’t want Suri. (Read: Sea Org wants Suri. Bad.) [Yeeeah]

Arianny Celeste in a bikini. [The Blemish]

The best of Andy Griffith. [OMGBlog]

A spanking party. [The Frisky]

Diane Kruger forgets to eat because she’s such a busy actress. [Cele|bitchy]

36 terrible sex tips for men. [Jezebel]

Miley Cyrus undergoing tattoo removal, is already married, according to Liam. [Hollywood Dame]

Ashley Greene is way, way hotter than I ever gave her credit for. Seriously. [IDLYITW]

The Newsroom‘ review. [Pajiba]

PHOTOS: Why Gwyneth and Chris Martin are probably going to divorce, now, too. [Lainey Gossip]

Why she covers up those boobs, I have no idea. [The Superficial]

Stars Without Makeup: Kirsten Dunst

photo of kirsten dunst no makeup 2012 pictures photos
Isn’t she just gorgeous, folks? And this face is still having sex with Garrett Hedlund. I mean, other parts of her probably are, too, but her face definitely is. Because Garrett Hedlund would be insane not to want to have sex with a face that looks like that—especially without any makeup, too. Simply divine.

Other than appearing out in public without any camouflage on, Kirsten has been busy busy busy promoting her new movie, ‘Bachelorette’. Which sounds like it’s going to be horrible, and also stars James Marsden, which pretty much solidifies any suspicions that this movie might be horrible. ‘Bachelorette’, from IMDB:

Three friends are asked to be bridesmaids at a wedding of a woman they used to ridicule back in high school.

So, in short, it sounds like ‘Bridesmaids’ meets ‘Young Adult‘, only suck. An old write-up in the Huffington Post claims that the movie is going to continue ushering in films (like ‘Bridesmaids’) that have a strong female cast, engaging in “raunchy comedy.” From the Huff Po:

Monday night, the comedy “Bachelorette” premiered at the Sundance Film Festival. Starring Kirsten Dunst, Lizzy Caplan and Isla Fisher as three women who are invited to the wedding of a girl they bullied in high school (Rebel Wilson), the film is a largely unapologetic look at a sex-filled pre-wedding weekend. It’s also one of a number of new films in a growing wave of flicks that feature women catching up to men in the raunch and realism departments.

“I was so pleased to read a script with multiple parts that I would want to play, as opposed to a script that almost goes as far as this one does,” Caplan told The Hollywood Reporter about her first reaction to the script. “You just don’t ever read stuff like this for girls, it’s always boys that get to be these characters.”

The film has drawn comparisons to “Bridesmaids,” the smash hit Kristen Wiig vehicle that also featured a talented female ensemble on a haphazard and often cringe-inducing pre-ceremony odyssey. It was a symbolic bit of happenstance that the “Bachelorette” premiere came on the eve of the announcement of the Academy Award nominations, which saw “Bridesmaids” earn nods for Best Original Screenplay for Wiig and co-writer Annie Mumolo, and Best Supporting Actress for Melissa McCarthy.

“People are just waking up to stuff that I think we knew all along, so thank god for that,” Caplan said, referring to the ability to produce — and market — quality female comedies that feature more debauchery than romance.

You can read the rest of the column at the page on Huffington, but if you’re in agreement with me, you won’t have to. See, ‘Bridesmaids’ was good. Yeah, it broke all sorts of female-led comedies’ molds. It was funny, and it was raunchy, and it was a rare movie in which the female leads weren’t sappy, simpering idiots, seeking love and acceptance from a man who doesn’t want them all that much to begin with. But do we need an entire genre of ‘Bridesmaids’? I don’t really think so. There is such thing as doing something to death, you know, and frankly, as much as I love Kirsten Dunst, she’s no Melissa McCarthy.

Here’s a clip to whet your appetite:

The movie hits theaters September 6th. Are you ready for (more of) this ish?

Hilary Duff and Kate Beckinsale Talk Post-Baby Bodies

photo of hilary duff post baby pictures body pic
You know what I love? Seriously, all joking aside? When I hear certain celebrities talking like they’re normal people, when everyone thinks that the idea couldn’t be further from the truth for some of them. See, Hilary Duff has been a big proponent of “the weight’ll come off when the weight comes off,” and now Kate Beckinsale‘s jumping on the wagon, too, because she apparently put on a crap-ton of weight during her pregnancy (though you wouldn’t know it to look at her size zero body now).

From a recent interview with Glamour UK, Kate on pregnancy and what it does to womens’ bodies:

“There’s an obsessional hatred of normal human processes. Pregnancy changes a woman’s body and it should. It isn’t normal to not look like you’ve had a baby immediately after you’ve had a baby. I was gigantic after I had Lily – I put on a good 3 ½ stone, and it didn’t go ‘til I stopped breast feeding… I was lucky that Britain wasn’t so paparazzi-orientated [then]. I was allowed to get on with it and enjoy my baby – and figure out what being a mother was all about instead of worrying about [fitting into] my f**king jeans.”

Which I agree with. Women would be better off focused on the important things post-baby, and not—if I can take a page out of Kate’s vocabulary book—fitting into their f-cking jeans.

Hilary, who was also under fire this past week for—oh my God, can you imagine—wearing a bathing suit in public when she’s not yet “done” losing her baby weight (see above photo), responds through In Touch magazine and has some point-blank things to say about those criticizing her body and those dwelling on shit that just. doesn’t. matter:

“Say it to my face. I’m not perfect, but I feel fantastic. This is how it goes for most women – the weight doesn’t fall off overnight. I don’t care what people say. I’m not back to where I want to be, but I’m not stressing it.”

This was in response to certain critics who claim that Hilary is disgusting and slovenly and lazy because she’s not back to her former weight a whole THIRTEEN WEEKS after her son, Luca Cruz, was born. Here’s the best of the comments, also from In Touch:

“A month or so ago I was concerned that she wouldn’t even try to lose weight,” wrote one online critic. “Now I’m convinced she doesn’t even care how she looks, gross!”

Can we get an ‘amen’ here? Seriously, guys.