I know. Isn’t she just darling? Too bad she’s too busy to date. Remember this quip from Marie Claire?:
“Honestly, I’m just going through a divorce, so I don’t really think that’s something I want to get into now. I don’t have time to date. I literally – don’t-have-time.”
OK, we get it, Zooey. It’s understandable that you’re just not ready for the dating scene yet, but may we recommend a few guys that we think you’d be pretty hot with? Let’s start off with the obligatory, OK? We all know it’s coming.
1-Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Because come on. One good hipster turn deserves another, am I right or am I right (hint: I’m right).
2-John Cusack. Please don’t ask me why, because I really just do not know. I like John Cusack, and yeah, though he’s getting “up there” in age, I’d still totally bang him. Plus, he’s kind of experiencing a career revival with his new ‘Raven‘ project and anyway, he was, like, the ultimate hipster in the eighties. He was mad cool before anyone knew what mad cool is, and vintage is in, now, isn’t it?
3-Ryan Gosling. Because him dating anyone is way better than dating Eva Mendes. Gross. Plus, could you just imagine the kind of kids those two would produce? They could be the next-generation Brad and Angelina.
And here’re are few guys that you definitely do not—I repeat, “do not,” and I mean that under any circumstances—want to date:
1-James Franco. Am I one of the only ones who thinks this guy is a complete tool kit? A douchenozzle? A twat of the supreme order? Because he is. And I just couldn’t fathom this letch having his slimy little hands all over our adorable Zooey. No way, no how.
2-Chris Brown. I know that girlfriend here would never even consider it, but I just had to put it out there because he’s another huge douche. Huge douche.
3-Michael Lohan. Just because we’re being completely ridiculous, now. Plus, Zooey doesn’t really strike me as the type to want to catch a swift kick in the cooter.
Who would you see Zooey pair up with? And also, isn’t she just positively charming and refreshing without her face on? LOVE THIS GIRL.