What’s that?  You keep condoms in your house because you’re smart?  You think it’s good to be prepared?  You actually listened in sex ed?  Well, fuck all you heard, because Will.I.Am has spoken some gospel to Elle, and the verdict?  Condoms are OUT!

ELLE: If you walked into a woman’s house, what one item would convince you that you weren’t compatible?

W: If she had condoms in her house, that would just fuckin’ throw me off. That’s just tacky.

ELLE: Well, okay, I could see if she had a candy bowl full of them on the coffee table. But if she’s got a few in a drawer, wouldn’t that simply suggest she’s health-conscious?

W: I just think, like, if you’re into someone and you guys get to that level, then that’s something you should converse about together and say, “Hey, maybe we should get some.”

I was going to do that thing I do where I pretend that Will.I.Am is as wonderful as he thinks he is, but I just don’t have the heart today. Condoms are “tacky,” really?  What an ignorant, careless thing to say.  I don’t need to rant about STDs or unplanned pregnancies, you guys are smart enough to get that, but I just can’t believe that Will is douche enough to say these things in an interview.

Are there any redeeming qualities at all in Will.I.Am anymore, or is he just an annoying, pretentious shell of a man these days?

When you’re as distinguished and talented an artist as Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas, you have an extensive, enviable repertoire, you know?  You have dozens upon dozens of powerful pieces to choose from at any given performance, and it’s up to you to decide which particular gift you want to give your audience.  Tragically, Will has made the choice to retire one of his most well-known, most well-loved masterpieces, “My Humps.” Check out his official statement:

“It got to the point where we didn’t want to play ‘My Humps’ no more. You know, ’cause ‘I met a girl down at the disco,’ I just didn’t want to say that no more, lyrically. It wasn’t like my best lyrically, but it was fun. It wasn’t lyrical miracles, but the beat was rocking, so we throw the beat in there and just let the beat linger.”

I never knew that Will was so modest.  ”It wasn’t lyrical miracles,” please.  When I hear Will ask that timeless question, “what you gonna do with all that ass, all that ass inside them jeans?”  I weep.  But, just as Van Gogh could not paint Starry Night for all his days, the Black Eyed Peas must move on to new artistic endeavors.  I can only hope that they fill the lovely lady lump-shaped hole in my heart soon.

There have been rumors going around that Fergie is planning on leaving the Black Eyed Peas because she wants to have a baby, and also because Will.I.Am is some kind of egotistical douchebag (shocker!).  While Fergie hasn’t said anything about those rumors, Will.I.Am has decided to comment on them via Twitter:

Don’t belive gossip about fergie leaving the group (we are never breaking up) its all lies!!!

That’s a bold statement, “never breaking up.”  I would love to see a bunch of geriatrics hobbling around on stage singing about lovely lady lumps.  I would love nothing more than that.

But seriously, Fergie needs to get out while she can.  She could release solo albums every once in a while and avoid Will.I.Am altogether, who would probably just self-destruct in a really public way after that.  I’m not a big fan of Fergie or the Black Eyed Peas as musicians, but I would much rather listen to Fergie hilariously misspell words than that “Boom Boom Pow” shit.  Please, Fergie, do yourself and the world a favor and really be planning on quitting the Black Eyed Peas.

I feel very relieved knowing that Fergie was going to a comedy club while wearing this thing — she was obviously wanting people to laugh at her.  She succeeded.

Fergster, along with her Black Eyed Pea band members went to Le Comedy Club in Paris yesterday to promote their new album, The E.N.D.

Okay, so if there’s one person in this world I really can’t stand talking about it’s Perez Hilton.  He runs a very successful website but I have very definite thoughts and feelings about some of his business practices and ethics.  But, whatever — that’s not what this post is about.  I received quite a few emails this morning wanting to know about this story, so here goes:

As many of you know, Perez went on Twitter this morning asking for the Toronto police to report to the hotel he was staying at, because he stated he had been attacked by Black Eyed Pea’s will.i.am.  His exact Tweet was:  “I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.” Does it strike anyone as slightly illogical that the blogger was on his Sidekick sending out messages (and there were a few) to the Twitterverse that he needed someone to call the cops?  My theory is this:  If you can type 140 characters on Twitter, you can dial three numbers — 9-1-1.

Needless to say, Hilton has videotaped a statement where he documents the happenings of the evening.  He refers to w.i.a. as a “heat-seeking missile”, there is lots of crying on the tape, and many “ev-er” and “ne-ver” utterances.  Very.  Dramatic.  I think what I take the most issue with is the fact that, the way Perez describes the series of events, it sounds like will.i.am’s manager hit Perez, not the singer himself.  Oh, and Perez’s video isn’t suitable for work thanks to his curse-laden tantrum near the end.

I also want you to watch will.i.am’s two videotaped statements, viewable here and here.  Isn’t it interesting how factual and calm he seems to be?

I don’t doubt for a moment that Perez Hilton got punched in the face — it was only a matter of time.  Do I think anyone deserves to be physically assaulted?  No.  Do I think Perez Hilton has culpability for escalating a bad situation by screaming at someone calling them a “fag” and a “faggot”?  Yes.  Do I think he owes will.i.am an apology for Tweeting that the rapper assaulted him, when it sounds like it was a Black Eyed Pea employee that did the punching?  Ab.  So.  Lutely.

It’s time again for another edition of Famous People and Their Hideous Expensive Clothing. Saturday night, a few music stars who are popular in Japan walked the red carpet at the Saitama Super Arena for the 2009 Japan MTV Video Music Awards. Fergie glared at everyone from deep inside a swirly spiral of velvety blue ribbons of fabric while her BEP bandmate Will.i.am wore what looked like a Confederate soldier’s uniform and saluted photogs.

Pop punk group Green Day seemed to take the red carpet walk very seriously, facing backwards half the time and  pretending to piss on the wall at one point.

Ciara (remember her?) was also in attendance, having just escaped from a 1980′s James Bond movie.

However, the real fashion star of the event was Katy Perry. In addition to the pelvic peacock number I wrote about earlier, Perry performed her song Hot N Cold while wearing a corset covered in sushi and sequins. It may have been her idea of paying homage to the country, but it’s the equivalent of a Japanese star coming here and performing in a dress covered in french fries and hamburgers.

Enjoy the gallery, but don’t stare too long at Fergie’s knees unless you’re wearing adequate eye protection.