One of the first things that any nutritionist or trainer or dietitian will tell you is that, in order to stay fit, you need to be drinking a ton of water. Staying hydrated and flushing out your system is the only thing that keeps you from holding on to that life-ruining sodium bloat. That’s why I’m so confused after learning that Tori Spelling doesn’t drink water. I remember Victoria Beckham saying something a few years ago about how she only drinks Diet Coke and never, ever water, but she also doesn’t claim that she’s eating-disorder free.
Tori, who has been concerning critics and fans alike with her rail-thin frame for years, recently told Access Hollywood, “I hate water! I’m never thirsty actually. I don’t drink water. I don’t sweat. Isn’t that weird?”
Yes, Tori. That’s very weird. In fact, I’m not even sure how you’re still alive.
Apparently when homegirl does get a case of the thirsties, she turns to a sip of her own homemade sparkling water and that’s only if she “has to.”
Look, I’ve been saying for years that it’s obvious there’s no God because if there was, he’d never make water taste so boring. Tori’s not wrong in that it isn’t necessarily the most tasty beverage, but it’s crucial.
So, seriously: How is it that she’s still alive? Are there other people out there who never drink water who are willing to explain their existence to me?
October 11, 2010 at 11:55 am by Molls
See what happens when you don’t drink your water, kiddies? You look like this. Or, um, like this. And in any case, I don’t think there’s one person who’d say that this is something that they aspire to be.
Tori Spelling, sometimes known as the Cryptkeeper in certain circles (OK, in my circles), speaks out to Access Hollywood and claims that she doesn’t drink water — she hates it — and because of that fact, she doesn’t sweat:
“I hate water! I’m never thirsty actually. I don’t drink water. [As a result,] I don’t sweat. Isn’t that weird?”
No, Tori-girl, what’s weird is that you’re still alive. But that’s, you know, debatable.
September 29, 2010 at 7:10 am by Sarah
And “everyone” includes Tori Spelling’s three-year-old son, Liam. He already has just short of 20,000 followers on his account, which started because he’s apparently a pretty funny kid and Tori wanted to document his wittiest statements (along with some photos). Here’s an example of some of Liam’s gems:
“My belly roars like a monster. It says MUST EAT LOLLIPOPS! Yum!”
“I love making jello castles. Jello wiggles and parties in my tummy”
“Oh no mama. We’ve got a problem… My butt is farting again”
“MOM WHO ARE YOU?” “Tori” “WHY YOU TORI?” “Cause that’s my name” “NOOO, YOU ARE A TORI SPELLING!”
When Tori told Liam that his Twitter was turning out to be kind of popular, she says he responded with “Yeah, I’m a cool dude.”
What do you guys think about this? While it definitely seems like little Liam is an adorable child, I’m a little bit like “Hey Tori, ever heard of a baby book?”
July 14, 2010 at 11:02 am by Emily
Ugh. Well, this is nothing like the Channing Tatum dick-burning incident of early 2010.
This weekend, Tori Spelling’s husband, Dean McDermott Tweeted that he was suffering some complications with the catheter that he has to use after getting in a biking accident. According to his Tweets, his catheter slipped out and tore a hole in the tip of his penis. The cut wound up giving him a fever that resulted in a trip to the hospital. OK, gross.
It’s not even that it’s TMI to talk about accidents involving your private parts. Like I said, this isn’t like when Channing Tatum messed up his junk with some burning water. Because Channing Tatum is hot and the thought of him having a penis doesn’t completely offend me. Dean, on the other hand, gives me a serious case of the willies (no pun intended), and to read the play-by-play on penis injury is truly disgusting.
Tori, how can you unleash him on us?
July 6, 2010 at 3:30 pm by Molls
But come on, nothing — and I mean nothing — is accidental when you’re married to Tori Spelling, am I right?
Spelling’s husband, Dean McDermott, was hospitalized late yesterday afternoon after suffering a collapsed lung as a result of a dirt biking accident. Poor Dean’s lung is also punctured. Though McDermott is currently in intensive care, his rep reports that he’s recovering nicely and will be released to go home in a few days.
Man. Some guys will go to the most extreme lengths in order to get away from their
cryptkeepers wives for even the briefest periods of time.
Well, get well soon, Dean, and get back to doing your manly thing with Donna Martin!
July 2, 2010 at 8:20 am by Sarah
Right from the horse’s mouth (no [laughs] pun intended), Tori Spelling confirms that she’s nuttier than squirrel poo.
Spelling states that she recently visited with famed dead-person contacter John Edward to see if there was a way for her to contact her deceased father, Aaron Spelling. However, instead of meeting up with good old dad, Tori claims that another person “came through” instead: Farrah Fawcett, who, if you remember, died on Michael Jackson’s death day almost a year ago (um, and can you believe it’s almost been a year?).
Tori states that Fawcett left various messages for Spelling to carry back to her family (namely, Ryan O’Neal) and advised her to let them know that she was “happy” and “at peace.”
According to Spelling:
“She wanted me to give a message to her family about how she was doing and what was going on and I’m like, ‘Great! She really picked the wrong person,’” Tori laughed. “Non-confrontational me, what am I gonna do?” Tori continued. “So I’m sitting on that information — I’m happy to say it’s not in the book because it happened afterwards.”
Though Tori claims that she’s non-confrontational — and really, who the hell are we talking about, here, non-confrontational Donna Martin, or mama-fighting Tori Spelling? — she obliged Farrah’s request and took a letter to the dead star’s family:
“I actually wrote a letter to Ryan O’Neal and gave it to him so I was like, he’s either going to think I’m completely crazy or he’s going to say, ‘Wow! Some of this makes sense,’ because she gave very specific details of things to tell them,” she explained. “I did and I included that in the note to Ryan saying, ‘Please pass this on to Redmond… She really wanted him to know these things,’” Tori explained. “I haven’t heard from Ryan so I don’t know, you know, I’m hoping you know he understood what I was trying to say and doesn’t think I’m some loony.”
Oh, damn, that’s rich. Ryan O’Neal thinking that Tori Spelling’s a loony. Not only is that the pot calling the kettle black, but it’s almost too bizarre a concept to even wrap your brain around. That’s like those patients in high-security penitentiaries thinking that they’re pure sanity and everyone else around them is crazy.