3Tori Spelling is Officially Not Going to Die Right Now

Remember when Tori Spelling was, like, one of the scary-skinniest celebrities going, and you totally thought that she was going to die from her skinniness at any moment?

Well, thankfully, those days are gone: for the first time in probably years, Tori’s weight seems to have stabilized to the point of being considered ‘healthy,’ and not-at-all-suprisingly, she looks just fine.

I’ve always been a big fan of Tori Spelling AND her role in the original 90210, so I’m glad to see that Tori’s probably going to live to see another few years, if all that business with her cracked-out mother doesn’t kill her first. Because if Donna Martin can’t make it to a 90210 reunion in ten years or so, what the fuck is the point of even HAVING one, you know?

March 29, 2011 at 10:30 am by Sarah

21Tori Spelling Hates Water

One of the first things that any nutritionist or trainer or dietitian will tell you is that, in order to stay fit, you need to be drinking a ton of water. Staying hydrated and flushing out your system is the only thing that keeps you from holding on to that life-ruining sodium bloat. That’s why I’m so confused after learning that Tori Spelling doesn’t drink water. I remember Victoria Beckham saying something a few years ago about how she only drinks Diet Coke and never, ever water, but she also doesn’t claim that she’s eating-disorder free.

Tori, who has been concerning critics and fans alike with her rail-thin frame for years, recently told Access Hollywood, “I hate water! I’m never thirsty actually. I don’t drink water. I don’t sweat. Isn’t that weird?”

Yes, Tori. That’s very weird. In fact, I’m not even sure how you’re still alive.

Apparently when homegirl does get a case of the thirsties, she turns to a sip of her own homemade sparkling water and that’s only if she “has to.”

Look, I’ve been saying for years that it’s obvious there’s no God because if there was, he’d never make water taste so boring. Tori’s not wrong in that it isn’t necessarily the most tasty beverage, but it’s crucial.

So, seriously: How is it that she’s still alive? Are there other people out there who never drink water who are willing to explain their existence to me?

October 11, 2010 at 11:55 am by Molls

2So This is Why Tori Spelling Looks Like a Fetid Old Vampire

See what happens when you don’t drink your water, kiddies? You look like this. Or, um, like this. And in any case, I don’t think there’s one person who’d say that this is something that they aspire to be.

Tori Spelling, sometimes known as the Cryptkeeper in certain circles (OK, in my circles), speaks out to Access Hollywood and claims that she doesn’t drink water — she hates it — and because of that fact, she doesn’t sweat:

“I hate water! I’m never thirsty actually. I don’t drink water. [As a result,] I don’t sweat. Isn’t that weird?”

No, Tori-girl, what’s weird is that you’re still alive. But that’s, you know, debatable.

September 29, 2010 at 7:10 am by Sarah

3Everyone’s Got A Twitter Account

And “everyone” includes Tori Spelling’s three-year-old son, Liam.  He already has just short of 20,000 followers on his account, which started because he’s apparently a pretty funny kid and Tori wanted to document his wittiest statements (along with some photos).  Here’s an example of some of Liam’s gems:

“My belly roars like a monster. It says MUST EAT LOLLIPOPS! Yum!”

“I love making jello castles. Jello wiggles and parties in my tummy”

“Oh no mama. We’ve got a problem… My butt is farting again”

“MOM WHO ARE YOU?” “Tori” “WHY YOU TORI?” “Cause that’s my name” “NOOO, YOU ARE A TORI SPELLING!”

When Tori told Liam that his Twitter was turning out to be kind of popular, she says he responded with “Yeah, I’m a cool dude.”

What do you guys think about this?  While it definitely seems like little Liam is an adorable child, I’m a little bit like “Hey Tori, ever heard of a baby book?”

July 14, 2010 at 11:02 am by Emily

7More Information About Tori Spelling’s Husband’s Penis Than I Care To Know

Ugh. Well, this is nothing like the Channing Tatum dick-burning incident of early 2010.

This weekend, Tori Spelling’s husband, Dean McDermott Tweeted that he was suffering some complications with the catheter that he has to use after getting in a biking accident. According to his Tweets, his catheter slipped out and tore a hole in the tip of his penis. The cut wound up giving him a fever that resulted in a trip to the hospital. OK, gross.

It’s not even that it’s TMI to talk about accidents involving your private parts. Like I said, this isn’t like when Channing Tatum messed up his junk with some burning water. Because Channing Tatum is hot and the thought of him having a penis doesn’t completely offend me. Dean, on the other hand, gives me a serious case of the willies (no pun intended), and to read the play-by-play on penis injury is truly disgusting.

Tori, how can you unleash him on us?

July 6, 2010 at 3:30 pm by Molls

4Dean McDermott Has “Another Accident”

But come on, nothing — and I mean nothing — is accidental when you’re married to Tori Spelling, am I right?

Spelling’s husband, Dean McDermott, was hospitalized late yesterday afternoon after suffering a collapsed lung as a result of a dirt biking accident. Poor Dean’s lung is also punctured. Though McDermott is currently in intensive care, his rep reports that he’s recovering nicely and will be released to go home in a few days.

Man. Some guys will go to the most extreme lengths in order to get away from their cryptkeepers wives for even the briefest periods of time.

Well, get well soon, Dean, and get back to doing your manly thing with Donna Martin!

July 2, 2010 at 8:20 am by Sarah