Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Tom Cruise

Watch This: Tom Cruise Still Has the Moves

So this one time, Tom Cruise was the guest of honor on a cruise ship for Scientologists, and it was his birthday, and he jumped up to sing “Old Time Rock and Roll,” and his performance was in turns kind of cute and really painful. (Lainey gets it right when she calls Tom Cruise a total “dad” and a “middle-aged dork.”)

The 2004 video is going viral today, but I knew it looked familiar—and sure enough, it is just one clip from what must be a “Tom’s Birthday Party” DVD.

These days, Tom Cruise is doing the promotional rounds for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, and I gotta admit, as cuckoo as the man is, he’s still a hottie. He looks a little like 1990s Mark Harmon.

Suri Cruise Might Cringe at These Photos Someday, But Probably Not Because She Kicks Ass

photo of tom cruise katie holmes and suri cruise out in new york city celebrity sightings photos pictures

So the Cruise family was doing their whole late-night New York City binge eating thing like they do best, and Suri was photographed being the paparazzi ham that she is. No other celebrity kid tackles that camera head-on and gives them the faces that they want, and frankly? I like that about her. I mean, even aside from the fact that she’s just freaking adorable, she’s got moxie and gut, and maybe if we’re lucky, she’ll put Big Man Tom in his place one day. I mean, SOME woman’s gotta, and it’s apparent that Katie‘s not up to the task, you know?

Guess What Tom Got Katie For Her Birthday!

A photo of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise

It’s a spin class!  The matching grey sweatsuits are symbols of love!

No, but really, that’s what happened.  Katie Holmes’ birthday was yesterday, so Tom Cruise flew to New York and in a true display of thoughtfulness and romance, he took her to a spin class.  Granted, he did take her to “an intimate dinner” afterwards, but come on now.  Is that how you say “happy birthday” to the mother of your child, Tom Cruise?

And I know that for some couples, this is great.  This would be an awesome birthday activity to share together.  But somehow, I’m not sure Katie is feeling it so much.  Maybe it’s the paparazzi – you can’t look happy all the time.  Or maybe it’s her dead-inside eyes that are cast down to the ground, as if the last rays of hope for rescue are just draining out of her.

Yeah, I think it’s that last one.

Quotables: Cher is the Original Cougar, You Guys

photo of cher dating tom cruise pictures

“I enjoyed them all! I never felt I chose badly, and I was always happy when the next man came along. I can usually last about two years with a man, and that’s it. The moment the relationship goes into the phase of more commitment, it changes.”

Cher, referring to dating Tom Cruise, Richie Sambora, and Val Kilmer in their younger days.

Apparently, this is Madonna’s inspiration, but nobody does it better than Cher, even if they did sleep with Jesus. Ever.

Posh Says The Beckhams Are Not Scientologists

Ever since Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham became BFFs and their families started hanging out all the time, people have been suspicious that their friendship was sealed by TomKat’s controversial religion, Scientology. Scientology is known for attracting celebrity followers, and Tom Cruise is responsible for introducing many of the most famous Scientologists to the church.

In this month’s issue of Marie Claire, Victoria addresses the rumors that Xenu brought her and her husband together with Tom and Katie, saying, “We aren’t Scientologists. We really don’t know very much about it. I mean, Tom and Katie – they’ve mentioned it to us. But, no, they didn’t try to hook us and reel us in. It never really crops up.”

So there you have it.

Quotables: Katie Holmes (Still) Worships Tom Cruise

“Every movie he’s done has done really well. I look back, and everything’s a classic … I definitely come home and say to him, ‘So, imagine a scene … how would you play it?’ And he’s helpful and sweet and gracious. He’s quite an incredible human being.”

In another bout of ass-kissery sanctioned by Moco Jumbie or whoever it is that today’s Scientologists bow to, Katie Holmes picks up the slack that she’s dropped by not speaking of Tom in the media for a week or whatever, and pours all of her affection and adoration into one interview. Or fucking else.

Fine, Tom Cruise Won Me Over

I have been calling Tom Cruise crazy for years. It’s like my favorite thing to do. Pre-Oprah couch-jumping, I was really into learning about Scientology and that’s what really got me on the “Tom Cruise is mental” train. And then you know how sometimes you think that someone’s mental for so long that you forget that they’re talented? And when you’re watching them in movies you’re like, “Yeah, cool story, Banana Brains. I seen you jumping on couches and you ruined that girl from Dawson’s”? And so you know when you’re there with someone and you think you’re never going to go back and then they put something out there that blows your mind and you’re just like, “Fuck your craziness! Actually, I want to marry your craziness! I’d get crazy with your talented ass for days, boy!”

That’s how I feel about Tom Cruise playing his alter ego, Les Grossman, in these MTV Promos. I talked about it yesterday, but this new Risky Business one is what helped me work through these feelings and come out on the other side with a whole thought.

I got lost in his crazy, guys. That’s all. It’s fine if he believes in aliens and won’t let his wife talk during birth and he’s basically at the head of a pyramid scheme that’s ruined hundreds of thousands of lives. So the fuck what? I can still laugh!