Today's Evil Beet Gossip
The Jonas Brothers

Frankie Jonas Likes His Brother Kevin The Least

Frankie and Kevin Jonas

Frankie Jonas, the youngest Jonas Brother and the only bro who’s not a member of the famed trio, was doing press for his new movie Camp Rock 2, when reporters asked him which of his brothers are his favorites. Normally young Disney stars are groomed to keep their mouth shut when it comes to anything even remotely controversial, but like a young, male Miley Cyrus, Frankie failed to filter out the unpleasant.

According to the nine year old, his brother Nick is his favorite. Ya know? The diabetic one who used to bone Miley and Selena Gomez? Then it’s Joe, the one who used to get with Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato. Frankie ranked his brother Kevin, the one with the mean wife, last. Hmm, could it be an age thing (Frankie seems to like his youngest older brothers best), or is there some tension between the oldest and youngest JoBros?

The Jonas Brothers Just Lived My Worst Nightmare

JoBros Escape From LA Elevator Unharmed

OK, well, my worst nightmare is technically burning to death or rape or being kidnapped by some Buffalo Bill type and living in a well and applying lotion to my skin per his request, but this is sure up there.

The Bros were recently performed a concert at The Grove in Los Angeles. The Grove is one of those “urban oasis shopping centers”, kind of. It’s an outdoor mall, basically. They have a little train running through it (annoying, not charming) and a fountain and shit like that. There’s an American Girl Doll Store. The suburban girl in me does love going there on occasion, but for the most part I avoid it at all costs due simply to the fact that the parking garage there gives me anxiety. It’s mad claustrophobic and people in LA suck at hustling when they walk and being aware of their surroundings so I always feel like I’m on the verge of completely losing my shit whenever I’m there. I don’t think I’m alone in this, either.

So The Jonas Brothers were at this horrible place performing a show recently and while they were making their escape they got stuck in the garage elevator. For an hour. The Jonas Brothers were stuck in an elevator in the worst parking garage in LA for an hour and they didn’t die from anxiety/fear/exhaustion. Are The Jonas Brothers actually The Jesus Brothers? I think so.

This is funny, though: According to a source who spoke to the NY Post, the JoBros were able to escape after an hour only because they were all skinny enough to slide through the tiny opening that a security guard managed to pry in the doors. LOL.

Kevin Jonas Ruins Fan’s Life

Jonas Bros Fan Holding The Sketch She Made Them That Wound Up In The Trash

The girl pictured above is a die-hard Jonas Brothers fan. So die hard that she’s been waiting outside of a Four Seasons Hotel in Toronto for over a month with some of her girlfriends. OK, so maybe that’s a little scary, but you know how young fans are. I’ve heard crazier things.

The girls got to meet their idols, take photos with them several times and gave them gifts, including sketches of the boys they’d done themselves. When the Jonas Bros checked out of the hotel, the girls were shocked when a maid brought them heaps of their gifts back to them in large trash bags. Including several of the intricate sketches. Heartbroken, they asked the maid where the sketches were found. She told them that they were found in Kevin Jonas’ trash can.

While I suppose it’s a much needed reality check for these obsessive fans, I do think that there’s something heartbreaking about this. Not only would it have not been hard for an assistant to hold on to these sketches at least until they got out of the hotel, but the maid really didn’t need to drag their faces through the mud.

Jonas Brothers Apologize, Send Gifts to Couples Whose Weddings They’ve Ruined

The Jonas Bros at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum

The Jonas Brothers have ruined more than a few weddings because some teenage girls are abominable bundles of screaming, crying hormones. According to Kevin Jonas (which one is that again?) the gaggles of screaming girls that often show up at hotels when the brothers are staying there have disturbed weddings that were taking place at the same time. “We’ve had brides (say) like, ‘You’ve ruined my wedding.’”

Brother Nick adds, “There’s 100 to 1,200 fans who show up, and the bride, her wedding’s just ruined. Just screaming fans the whole time. … And we’ve actually sent apology gifts to the bride and the groom.”

No offense Jobros, but a nice fondue set does not make up for ruining someone’s wedding day.

By the way, that’s not really them in the picture above. It’s their equally talented wax counterparts that are on display at Madame Tussaud’s in Washington D.C.

Come on, admit it. How many of you were fooled? More waxy Jonas creepiness in the gallery.

Perez Hilton Turns 31

Perez Hilton turns 31

Perez Hilton held his 31st birthday party yesterday at the Viper Room nightclub in West Hollywood. For someone who talks a lot of trash about celebrities, making juvenile comments about their love lives and appearances, a lot of them showed up at his party. This means that I can still hold out hope that Clive Owen will turn up at my 31st birthday party, no matter how big of a bitch I am on this blog.

Paris Hilton & boyfriend Doug Reinhardt, Amanda Bynes, Steve-O, and a very different looking Ashley Tisdale (holding hands with a lady friend) were in attendance, amongst others. The Jonas Brothers “rushed over” from the Kid’s Choice awards to sing Happy Birthday, and Christina Aguilera did her best Marilyn Monroe impression of a breathy “Happy Birthday Mr. Perez-ident.”

“I’m not thrilled with the number 31,” Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, said on the pink carpet in front of the Viper Room nightclub. “But I am super excited that, right now, I’m happier in my life than I ever have been before.”

Hilton bragged that the first gift he received was from “High School Musical” heartthrob Zac Efron.

“He sent me a bottle of champagne to my hotel room, which made me squeal like a little school girl,” he gushed.

Party attendee Paris Hilton seems to have contracted Victoria Beckham’s “Every Day I Look More and More Like a Robot” disease. Note the cut on boyfriend Reinhardt’s lip, a souvenir of Friday night’s scuffle with a bodyguard at Fontainebleau.

Can’t Be Stopped! Won’t Be Stopped!

taylor_swift_echo

A lot of haters thought that Taylor Swift would get forced out of the #1 spot on the Billboard charts this week by the soundtrack for the Jonas Brothers’ movie.

NOT EVEN CLOSE!

Tay-tay and Fearless hung on to the #1 spot for the 11th week, and the Jonas Brothers didn’t even land at #2 — they were a distant third, selling only 49,700 copies in the album’s debut week. That is a VERY SAD NUMBER. The #2 spot went to a metal band called Lamb of God with an album called Wrath. I’ve never even heard of them, but they solidly outsold the JoBros!

Is JoBro mania over already???

That was fast!

Good riddance, boys!

CHELSEA HANDLER, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Oh. My. God.

So I’m having dinner with a friend tonight. He reads my blog and so knows about all my celebrity crushes. And he’s like, “Okay, let’s rank them. Who do we have? Michael Phelps, of course. And Patrick Stewart. And Adrian Grenier. Oh, and Adam Duritz. And who else is in your top five? Christian Bale? Rank them from one to five.” And so we go through the process, and Adam Duritz came out on top, and my friend’s like “Really? Even with the fat?” And I thought about it, and I was like, “Ya know, maybe not with the fat. Because I tend to have clitoral orgasms, so I need to be able to rub up against the pelvic bone during sex, and with a really fat guy I couldn’t do that, so maybe me and Adam wouldn’t work after all.” So then I thought maybe Adrian would be on top, or Michael Phelps — if we wrapped the American flag around his face — and Patrick Stewart always comes in fifth because, although he is hot, he is undoubtedly old.

Here’s the point.

None of this matters anymore.

Because Chelsea Handler gets me wetter than any of those dudes combined.

Chelsea, baby, I love you in a way I didn’t know I could love. Your genius inspires me in a way I didn’t know I could be inspired. I want to be a part of you and scoop out some of you and keep it for myself. Is that gross? Chelsea, love, I don’t care. You are my everything, Chelsea Handler, you are my world, you are my future, and your genius is as boundless as my admiration for you.