Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Taylor Swift

Quotables: Taylor Swift Talks Relationships, Because of Course She Does

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“I don’t know how to have a normal relationship because I try to act normal and love from a normal place and live a normal life, but there is sort of an abnormal magnifying glass, like [a] telescope lens, on everything that happens between me and anybody else. … some of them [my ex-boyfriends] like to write really long emails [about the songs I write about them].”

So apparently, LeAnn Rimes isn’t the only one getting all up-close and personal with Katie Couric about relationships*—Taylor Swift found it prudent to go ahead and talk about what she knows best with Katie, on her new show of the same name, ‘Katie’.

No, here’s a list of questions that I’d ask Taylor if I were interviewing her, and none of them have anything to do with relationships, because it would be interesting seeing her flounder about when it came to talking about subjects out of her realm of comfort.

1—Where do you get your clothes? I love them.
2—Your clothes? They’re nice. Where do you get ‘em?
3— …

OK, I’ll admit it. I’m stumped, alright? There’s positively nothing else to talk to Taylor Swift about (aside from clothing) than her relationships. No wonder she gets so much mileage out of these interviews; they’re all the same.

BURN.

*We have to talk a lot about this in a bit, OK? Get your gears turning.

This is Stupid Taylor Swift’s Stupid New Video for “Begin Again”

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So, OK. She’s pretty. She’s got an alright voice. I like her clothes often times. But her stupid boy-obsession? Her stupid, pursed joker lips that you can just *TELL* she practices in the mirror so that when she speaks, her lips don’t break form? I can’t even deal with it. I want to seriously grab this girl by the shoulders and say, “Hey, silly twenty-two year-old girl who can’t keep her mouth shut about her experiences. YOU’RE NOT DOING YOURSELF ANY FAVORS.” And I’d do it with love, because while I don’t like Taylor Swift one iota, I don’t think she’s an evil, manipulative person: no, I think she’s naive, and she’s clingy, and a lot of that probably stems from, I don’t know, maybe not having many friends when she was younger. Or not having a whole lot of positive social experiences as a teen. I don’t know. I don’t hate the girl, I pity her. And I feel strongly about it, too, in case you didn’t know that.

And to all those out there who say, “Oh, well Taylor Swift is such a good example for today’s young girls, and it’s better that they’re trying to emulate Taylor Swift rather than someone like Rihanna,” to them I say, “You’re half-right—I’d rather be a simpering idiot who only defines myself through every random boyfriend, only to find out I have no real personal identity whatsoever when all I have left is myself than to be a simpering idiot who only defines myself through a boyfriend that’s allowed to punch said me in the face and be OK with it,” but really, what kind of choices are those? Come on.

GRR THIS VIDEO. Here it is, I guess.

Of Course Taylor Swift Has Songs About The Kennedys on Her New Album

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Guys. Guys, just shut up for a minute. Because Taylor Swift released her brand new album yesterday, and she has some serious, serious stuff to say.

I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but Taylor does this thing with her albums where she puts all the lyrics in the little booklet and then puts in this special secret code. Or, ok, it’s not really a secret code, she just capitalizes certain letters within the lyrics to spell out a little note about each song. These notes are clues to who the song is about. Isn’t that just so clever?

A few of the songs are about John Mayer, obviously, and a few of them are about Jake Gyllenhaal (the clue to the song “All Too Well” is “maple lattes,” as if any of us could forget Swiftenhaal’s love for coffee). But a few of them were about the Kennedys, too. Oh, just wait.

There’s this one song called “Everything Has Changed,” all right? It has lyrics like “all I’ve seen since eighteen hours ago
is green eyes and freckles in your smile” and “your eyes look like coming home.” And the clue? “Hyannis Port.” Where the Kennedys live. No, it really is.

The song right after that one is called “Starlight,” and the clue says it’s “for Ethel,” Ethel of course being the Kennedy family matriarch and the widow of Robert F. Kennedy. The song is all about how “I met Bobby on the boardwalk, summer of ’45.” Just mull that situation over.

The song after that one is the last song on the album, and it’s called “Begin Again.” The clue for the song is “I wear heels now,” and the song references a guy who “didn’t like it when I wore high heels,” so it’s probably about a guy with a complex about a tall girl such as Tay Tay. But the song is all about how she thought love was horrible after a bad relationship (sorry, Jake), but then she met this cool guy who taught her different. The guy in the song, the new guy, throws his head back “laughing like a little kid,” so obviously that’s the tall, graceful high school junior, Conor Kennedy.

That Taylor Swift, she’s really something else, huh?

Quotables: Taylor Swift is So Thankful for Men

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“If a man dates me, he’s kind of signing a waiver saying he’s cool with me writing songs about him. I write songs about my life: it’s not something I’ve kept secret and pretty much everyone knows that, so no, I don’t worry that a new man will get upset about something I write. That being said, it’s mind-blowing how some guys have just handed me inspiration for some of these songs on a plate. Some have said, ‘Please don’t write about me,’ but only when we’re in the process of breaking up.”

Oh my gosh, this. I mean, it’s nothing earth-shattering or anything, because duh, we all know that Taylor Swift gets her inspiration for songs from her very public and prolific relationships, like those with Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, and Jake Gyllenhaal, but come on. It’s all fairly obvious: we know that Taylor loves the guys, and the guys all love Taylor, so we really shouldn’t rag on girlfriend for stating a fact.

To be fair, Taylor also said this: “My brother gives really good advice from a guy’s perspective. He’ll always tell me, ‘You know there are no rules, right? So if you want to text this guy back, text him back.’ Saying that, I don’t do the chasing. You kind of learn that in school,” and you can definitely take what she said right with a grain of salt, a shot of Pepto Bismol, and a couple-two-three Tylenol PMs to sleep off the BS hangover the best you can, because that bit about “I don’t do the chasing”? Oh my God. I just can’t even.

Taylor Swift Says Dating a Teenager is Hard, Guys

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From In Touch:

Looks like more teardrops will be falling from Taylor Swift’s guitar! In Touch can reveal that after a summer of love in Hyannis Port, Mass., the 22-year-old is not happy with her romance of just three months with Conor Kennedy, 18.

“She’s been complaining that love with a teenager is hard,” says a source. “She’s tried everything possible, but the long distance is getting to her.”

When Taylor does finally get to see Conor, spending time together is a challenge. He attends Deerfield Academy – where he’s a high school junior despite his age – and the prestigious prep school has strict rules that clash with Swift’s more mature lifestyle.

“He has to be back to his dorm by 9:45 pm during the week… and 11:30 on Saturday nights.”

Ugh, can you even imagine what Taylor‘s next ex hit song will be like? I don’t know, guys, but I have to say—this girl makes me want to punch her in her googly, starry-eyed head. She’s emotionally retarded, overly theatrical with her grandiose gestures of love, embarrassing, and clingy—and those are four things that pretty much ruin me on a person, indeed. Do I sound like a heartless, soulless bitch who doesn’t remember what it’s like to be sixteen? Because I’m not. I just left sixteen at sixteen, which is more than I can say for Taylor here, who’s going to be twenty-three in a few weeks.

Taylor Swift’s BFF Is Her Boyfriend’s Grandma

A photo of Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift‘s boyfriend’s grandma being 84-year-old Ethel Kennedy. You know, natch.

We’ve documented the mutual admiration that Taylor and Ethel have for each other – that kind of admiration that is bordering on a full-fledged girl crush – but this time it’s a little different. This time, Conor Kennedy’s cousin, Ted Kennedy, Jr., is documenting the friendship. And it’s just hilarious to me.

From Us Weekly:

“[Taylor and Ethel] love spending time with one another,” Kennedy Jr., a 51-year-old lawyer and financial adviser, revealed to Us Weekly at Monday’s New York premiere of the HBO documentary Ethel. “They are fascinated by each other.”

The Kennedy clan’s relationship with Swift — whom Kennedy Jr. describes as “a very genuine, down-to-earth person” — has at times seemed less than perfect, thanks to reports that the star “kidnapped” her 18-year-old boyfriend and crashed Kyle Kennedy’s Boston wedding in August. But Conor’s cousin says the “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” singer gets along beautifully with the family, and especially with Ethel.

“[Ethel] is a very open person to people of all generations. She’s a very welcoming person. She and Taylor have a genuine friendship,” he told Us.

“I think Ethel makes [Taylor] feel very at ease,” he added. “Taylor lives in a world — she’s obviously achieved incredible success, and for people who live in that world, some people just like to hang out and relax and let their hair down. I think Ethel makes that possible.”

Look, I realize that I’m developing a pretty intense thing for Taylor Swift, but this is interesting, right? How she worked her way into this family, how she’s dating a junior in high school, how she bought a house right next to the Kennedy estate and how she has a backup Kennedy just in case things don’t work out with this one. Like, they’ll probably make this whole saga into a miniseries a few years down the line. That’s how epic this whole thing is.

Watch This Dude Use Taylor Swift Lyrics as Pick Up Lines

No joke, this is probably the best thing I’ve ever seen*. It’s funny, it’s awkward, it makes fun of Taylor Swift, which we all know is just so much fun. I laughed out loud several times (“so shame on me now”), and I just love it, guys, I just really really love this.

Plus it just makes it all that more clear how ridiculous Taylor Swift is. And that’s something the world desperately needs.

*Well, the best thing I’ve ever seen is either this video or the concept art for Jurassic Park 4. Have you seen it? It’s from a scrapped concept for the movie that involved human-dinosaur hybrids. No really:

That’s the derpasaurus right there. Powerful stuff.