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Snoop Dogg

Justin Bieber got roasted and it was… eh, mediocre

justin bieber roast

Justin Bieber‘s Comedy Central roast won’t air until the end of the month, but these things are pre-taped so it’s already on film and we know plenty of the jokes that will be part of the broadcast. Are they funny? Eh, vaguely. What I’m hoping is that they’ve saved the best stuff for the actual show, because if this is all they’ve got to offer, I think we’re all better off hitting up Netflix or something that night.

Buzzfeed published some of the jokes from the evenings, so here are a few… uh, highlights?

Kevin Hart:

kevin hart justin bieber

“Tonight we’re going to give what his parents and the legal system should have done years ago,” host Kevin Hart said. “We’re going to give this boy an ass-whoopin.’”

“Ebola patients hear about ‘Bieber fever’ and say, ‘I’m gonna go ahead and ride this one out.’”

Jeff Ross:

“Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?”

Ludacris:

“Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.”

Chris D’Elia:

“You have it all. Except love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy.”

Hannibal Buress:

“They say that you roast the ones you love, but I don’t like you at all, man. I’m just here because it’s a real good opportunity for me.”

“Actually you should thank me for participating in this extremely transparent attempt to be more likeable in the public eye. And, I hope it doesn’t work.”

Snoop Dogg:

snoop dogg

“You bought a monkey!” Snoop Dogg said. “I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.”

There are more quotes at the source, but frankly, it seems a bit dire. Bieber made his own speech at the end, as well, which was supposed to be very sincere and heartfelt, I suppose:

“There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old,” he said.

“I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. There were moments I am proud of. And there are moments I am disappointed with myself for. But the things I have done don’t define who I am. I am kind-hearted person who loves people. And through it all, I have lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry.”

“I am looking forward to being someone you can all be proud of,” he said. “Someone close to me once said, ‘It’s how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man.’ I’m excited for that challenge. And I want to say thank you for taking this journey with me.”

Huh. Well, I guess we just have to go with that, even though it’s bullshit.

Can we talk about the most important aspect of this story, though? What the hell is going on with his hair? I mean, it’s so awful. Who told him to do that? He’s obviously trying to grow it out, but to WHAT?

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Snoop Dogg Says He Smoked Pot In The White House

snoop-dogg

Snoop Dogg can get high just about anywhere, but could that possibly include the White House? That’s what he claimed in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel, who asked, “Have you ever smoked in the White House?” Here’s the answer, via StarPulse:

In the bathroom…not in the White House but in the bathroom. ‘Cause I said, ‘May I use the bathroom for a second?’ And they [the security team] said, ‘What do you want to do a number one or number two?’ And I said ‘number two’… So I said when I do a number two I usually have a cigarette or I light something to get the aroma right and they said,’You know what, you can light a piece of napkin’ and I said ‘I’ll do that’ and the napkin was this [weed].

Yeah, I don’t know. Wouldn’t they have smelled the weed? I doubt your story, Mr. Dogg.

What do you think? By the way if you’re not following him on Instagram, you’re missing gems like the above photo of Snoop wearing heart-shaped glasses.

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Snoop Dogg and Seth Rogen got high and recapped ‘Game of Thrones’

snoop dogg seth rogen

If there’s one thing you need in your life, it’s Snoop Dogg‘s talk show, Double G News Network, which he hosts on his YouTube channel. It’s all kinds of insane, and he decided to take it to another level this week when he was joined by Seth Rogen and they got high as hell and sorta tried to recap Game of Thrones. I don’t watch Game of Thrones, and I left with no greater understanding of anything going on on the show than I had before I watched this, but that’s hardly the point, I suppose.

Seth is about as useless as a chocolate fireguard, as the old saying goes, when it comes to providing any entertainment here, but I guess he’s hilarious because of that. Snoop is, as always, amazing.

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HAPPY EASTER FROM THE ROYALS (AND SNOOP DOGG)!

roya-family

Happy Easter, everyone! Or should I say…HOPPY EASTER? (No, I won’t.) Please enjoy this photo of baby Prince George with mum and dad, Kate Middleton and Prince William

And guess what? The little creature he’s looking at is also named George, after him! From E!:

The third in line to the throne got up close and personal with the three-and-a-half-year-old creature as the royal family officially opened the new Prince George Bilby Exhibit. The nocturnal marsupial, which is indigenous to Australia and an endangered species, was named after the tiny prince two months ago.

How bout that.

So what is everyone doing on this big holiday? And also Easter? (Ha, see what I did there?) Let’s check in on Snoop Dogg and see how his Easter is going. He posted this on Twitter:

snoop-dogg-420

So, two very different Easter Sundays, then.

Cheers!

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Snoop Dogg Is Doing a Funk Album As Snoopzilla

snoop dogg

Snoop Dogg has many incarnations. Remember Snoop Lion? Well, now he’s going to be (wait for it)… Snoopzilla. Who knows if that moniker will be sticking around for a while or what, but what we do know is that he’s making a funk album, 7 Days of Funk, that’s a collaboration with someone called Dam-Funk and that’ll be out in December. Wahoo!

Here’s Snoop’s statement:

“We’re the babies of the Mothership. I’ve had funk influences in my music my whole career.  Dam-Funk is cold. He’s keeping the funk alive and I knew I had to get down with him.”

And Dam Funk said:

“Snoop knew what I was thinking without me having to articulate it. That’s how you know when you gel artistically with someone.

Well, I can’t say I’ll listen to this album, but I also can’t argue with renaming himself Snoopzilla. I wonder if he came up with that idea whilst smoking some of his boxing match weed win.

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Snoop Dogg Won a Gigantic Bag of Weed On a Boxing Match Bet

snoop dogg

Oh, Snoop Dogg – gotta love him. He’s a simple man, really. He likes his chicken and waffles (lest we forget how far he went in Fatherhood, blaming it all on David Beckham when he was supposed to be on a diet) and he likes his weed and if that’s in place, he’s happy. Well, he certainly got a nice stash after winning a POUND of weed on a bet from the Floyd Mayweather and Canelo Alvarez fight on Saturday. Holy smokes.

From Instagram:

He captioned it with the following:

Thanks to the champ money may for winning me a pound from my mexican buddy Lui !! U r the pound for pound best! N I’m gonna smoke 2 dat !!! Hahahahahahahah.

Christ almighty. I haven’t smoked weed in a long ass time, but I can tell you that probably one toke of that will put you on the ground, because you know he doesn’t smoke that stomped on shit, either. I guess congrats are in order?

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Throwback Thursday: Snoop And Britney

miley tweets 2004 photo of britney spears and snoop dogg-lion

Snoop Lion/Dogg and Britney Spears are posed here in this incredible moment in time from 2004, while on the set of Britney’s “Outrageous” music video (according to E Online). This photo is truly a slice of life. Where were YOU when this photo was taken? Probably daydreaming, wishing that you could be in the photo.

And this photo was brought to us by Miley Cyrus, who realized it was her civic duty to tweet it. Miley is getting obsessed with Britney, y’all.

Britney was 22 when this was taken. She didn’t look dead in the eyes quite yet.

“Outrageous”? Indeed.