Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Saved By The Bell Is Amazing

If You Didn’t Hate Screech After Seeing Him on Celebrity Fit Club …

Beet told us the other day that Dustin Diamond, better known as Saved by the Bell‘s Screech, has bundled together a collection of his delusions and found a publisher willing to call it a book.

This morning Double D (and he is a complete boob) was on Fox 5 to plug his new book.  He shared a story of when an extra on the SBTB set irritated him and he responding by pissing in her purse.  Oh. The. Hilarity.

If you saw Double D on VH1′s Celebrity Fit Club, you know that he’s a big fat liar (emphasis on fat since he kept leaving the show every other episode), but I’d still buy his book just to see what type of shit he’s trying to peddle.  Well, I’d buy his book if I could get it on my Kindle.  For … like, a quarter.

Harry Potter’s Ass

Um, so, I think this kid’s 17, so I may actually be trafficking in kiddie porn here. If that’s the case, um — authorities? — if you could just kindly alert me I will gladly take this picture down. Until then, our favorite Equustrian, Daniel Radcliffe, continues to take his clothing off for promo shots. Rumor has it the actual play contains full frontal nudity, so it’s really just a matter of time before some Harry Potter cock makes the Internet rounds (holy Christ, I just said “Harry Potter cock”). Seriously — this kid was born in July of 1989. Am I really that bad at math or does that make him underage still? Is that legal in Britain? Underage penises? On stage?

I am all for this kid building a career independent of Harry Potter, but is this kind of reminiscent of Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls for anyone else? Like, we get it, Jessie Spano. You can play a different character. But you know what I’d really pay to see? Daniel Radcliffe doing the caffeine-pill episode of Saved by the Bell. “I’m so excited! I’m so, I’m so … scared!!” Okay okay I’m rambling now. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado: Harry Potter’s ass.

More Screech Drama

If you can believe it, it turns out Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) is every bit the classy gentleman that his Dirty-Sanchezed sex tape would make him out to be. Diamond, who is currently taping VH1′s Celebrity Fit Club 5, has reportedly had trouble making friends with many of his castmates. (As an aside: I have plenty of adjectives to describe Dustin Diamond, but “overweight” has never been one of them. I like how he’s doing the “fat celeb” television show just because it’s a television show.)

Diamond appears on the program alongside Kimberley Locke, from American Idol, and Tiffany, from malls. Both stormed off the set after Locke got into a fight with Diamond. Are you ready for the funniest thing ever? This is what Diamond said on-camera to upset Locke: “Screw Kimberley Locke. I’m going to make a dildo of my cock and fuck her with it.” After the walkout, producers halted the taping and sent everyone home. Kimberley is now telling the producers that either she goes or Dustin goes.

An inside source says that Dustin has not made many friends on the show: “Nobody wants him on their team. The producers have a difficult decision to make.” This is so wonderful! Celebrity Fit Club has their very own Puck!

You know, it’s moments like these that make me glad to be alive. Sunsets are lovely, and I enjoy the sound of the ocean and a cool breeze across my cheek, and falling in love is a thrill every now and then, but, mostly, it’s waking up on a cloudy Tuesday morning to discover that Screech threatened to sodomize an American Idol contestant with a self-styled sex toy that make me stop and reflect on just how suddenly joyful this journey of life can be. Thank you, Dustin Diamond. Thank you for everything.