Beet told us the other day that Dustin Diamond, better known as Saved by the Bell‘s Screech, has bundled together a collection of his delusions and found a publisher willing to call it a book.
This morning Double D (and he is a complete boob) was on Fox 5 to plug his new book. He shared a story of when an extra on the SBTB set irritated him and he responding by pissing in her purse. Oh. The. Hilarity.
If you saw Double D on VH1′s Celebrity Fit Club, you know that he’s a big fat liar (emphasis on fat since he kept leaving the show every other episode), but I’d still buy his book just to see what type of shit he’s trying to peddle. Well, I’d buy his book if I could get it on my Kindle. For … like, a quarter.
Um, so, I think this kid’s 17, so I may actually be trafficking in kiddie porn here. If that’s the case, um — authorities? — if you could just kindly alert me I will gladly take this picture down. Until then, our favorite Equustrian, Daniel Radcliffe, continues to take his clothing off for promo shots. Rumor has it the actual play contains full frontal nudity, so it’s really just a matter of time before some Harry Potter cock makes the Internet rounds (holy Christ, I just said “Harry Potter cock”). Seriously — this kid was born in July of 1989. Am I really that bad at math or does that make him underage still? Is that legal in Britain? Underage penises? On stage?
I am all for this kid building a career independent of Harry Potter, but is this kind of reminiscent of Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls for anyone else? Like, we get it, Jessie Spano. You can play a different character. But you know what I’d really pay to see? Daniel Radcliffe doing the caffeine-pill episode of Saved by the Bell. “I’m so excited! I’m so, I’m so … scared!!” Okay okay I’m rambling now. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado: Harry Potter’s ass.
If you can believe it, it turns out Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) is every bit the classy gentleman that his Dirty-Sanchezedsex tape would make him out to be. Diamond, who is currently taping VH1′s Celebrity Fit Club 5, has reportedly had trouble making friends with many of his castmates. (As an aside: I have plenty of adjectives to describe Dustin Diamond, but “overweight” has never been one of them. I like how he’s doing the “fat celeb” television show just because it’s a television show.)
Diamond appears on the program alongside Kimberley Locke, from American Idol, and Tiffany, from malls. Both stormed off the set after Locke got into a fight with Diamond. Are you ready for the funniest thing ever? This is what Diamond said on-camera to upset Locke: “Screw Kimberley Locke. I’m going to make a dildo of my cock and fuck her with it.” After the walkout, producers halted the taping and sent everyone home. Kimberley is now telling the producers that either she goes or Dustin goes.
An inside source says that Dustin has not made many friends on the show: “Nobody wants him on their team. The producers have a difficult decision to make.” This is so wonderful! Celebrity Fit Club has their very own Puck!
You know, it’s moments like these that make me glad to be alive. Sunsets are lovely, and I enjoy the sound of the ocean and a cool breeze across my cheek, and falling in love is a thrill every now and then, but, mostly, it’s waking up on a cloudy Tuesday morning to discover that Screech threatened to sodomize an American Idol contestant with a self-styled sex toy that make me stop and reflect on just how suddenly joyful this journey of life can be. Thank you, Dustin Diamond. Thank you for everything.
Evil T and I are not especially skilled in the fine art of film review, and Spiteful Lars prefers his pornography to involve Kevin Federline, so we left it up to those lovable pervs over at Fleshbot to review Dustin Diamond’s feces-riffic opus, and here’s what they had to say:
That Diamond, whose financial woes drove him first to radio stations selling anti-foreclosure t-shirts, now peddles a sex tape through “1 Night in Paris” purveyors Red Light District, comes across as painfully self-conscious should be a given, but that the video fails to reveal a hidden redeeming talent is the unkindest cut of all.
Diamond made the tape after a Wisconsin club appearance when he was invited to join a bachelorette party in their hotel room, so he tells the camera, and the video is part of a series of competing sex tapes released by his friends. He addresses the camera as both “Mark” and “Bro”.
Diamond’s entreaties to the two-girl bachelorette party (including “You grew up with me, baby!”) eventually result in a gradual breakdown of their inhibitions, and it is impressive to hear him talking them down…
Shot in very poor P.O.V. style, “Screeched” features too many shots of Diamond’s face (Ed: frankly I’d prefer that to shots of his head, if ya know what I mean). It is a plus, though, that the banter seems real and that the bachelorette party, getting consistently drunker, appears nevertheless to be doing this of their own volition.
And that hyped Dirty Sanchez comes as something of an anticlimax. There is a lip. There is poo.
In my previous research on the topic of the Screech sex tape, I’d not come across the fact that he was intruding on a bachelorette party — apparently the key female players here are the bride and her bridesmaid. Can you imagine destroying your marriage before it’s even begun because you had dirty, on-camera, poo-related sex with Dustin Diamond? Whoever this would-be groom is, he narrowly dodged a bullet.
I don’t even know who the “comedian” is playing Screech in this Weekend Update bit on the Screech sex tape, but nothing about it is right. Not even the costume. How hard is it to get a costume that looks like something Screech would wear? IT IS NOT HARD, LORNE MICHAELS. It is not hard at all. And the voice? Has he ever even seen a SBTB episode? Did someone just tell him “He sounds kind of like Kermit the Frog,” so he just went with a Kermit voice? The mannerisms are all wrong too. There is a cricket who lives on my patio who does a better Screech Powers.
YOU ARE NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE, NBC!
And if you still care, TMZ has a second clip from the actual video, featuring girls who are — you guessed it — way, way drunk.
“If you freeze-frame right at the blue jelly double-cock, um, I believe there’s poop on the end of it…I can’t wait to see what Mark [I assume -Paul Gosselaar] does to top this. He won’t be able to come close, I’m sure, because poop was involved in mine.”
I’m sure Mark-Paul Gosselaar is thrilled beyond words to know that he is referenced in Dustin Diamond’s scat-tastic sex tape.
Also, the kids at Best Week Ever have put together this list of other Screech sex moves you might want to try with your partner(s). An excerpt, if I may:
The Dick Belding: In which one performs a series of generally vile sex acts until their partner is forced to finally turn around and say, â€œHey hey hey, what is going on here?â€