Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Russell Brand

Tom Cruise Doesn’t Want Russell Brand In Scientology

Russell Brand is a zany prankster and generally a pretty bizarre dude (but a chill one I’ll give him that). So it’s no surprise that while working with Tom Cruise on that horrendous shit show that is Rock of Ages, Russell thought it would be fun to see if Xenu’s right hand man might be interested in bringing him into the fold. The short answer? He totally wasn’t.

From Conan:

“Firstly, he’s a glorious man and he’s very kind and sweet – that’s what you say if you want to continue to work in the film industry.”

“But I was thinking, ‘He’s a member of that religion Scientology, I’m interested in that’. So every so often I’d say things like, ‘Oh Tom, sometimes I’m a bit lost in life’, to see if he would try and get me in. He’d go, ‘I dunno, read the Bible‘. Or, ‘Tom, I wish I had a way of thinking more positively about the future’. That man had no interest in getting me in Scientology at all.

“If there’s a cult that doesn’t want me, I want to know why!”

LOL, I love that Tom Cruise told Russell Brand to read the bible. Like, what? Also, Tom might be batshit insane, but he’s not unintelligent and he probably knew what Russell was trying to do, which is why he got the answer he did. Poor Russell, though. It’s a dark day when not even Scientology will take you in.

Katy Perry Definitely Didn’t Get Back With “Gross” Russell Brand, Despite What Perez Hilton Says

Perez Hilton is a champion shit spewer who some celebrities apparently really like and consider a friend for reasons I can’t fathom. Well, cross Katy Perry‘s name off that list, because she was none too pleased when he posted a story on his site earlier this week claiming that she had reunited with ex-husband Russell Brand and that they’d been spotted kissing.

What say you to that, Katy?

Ah, yes. Perez, of course, relented soon after, being the ass kisser he is, and removed the entry, replacing it with an apology about how his “sources” were wrong. And by sources, he obviously means whatever 18-year-old LA transplant he hired as an intern came up with that day.

Oh no! Our sources were 100% wrong!

A source told us today that they saw Katy Perry and her ex-husband Russell Brand making out, but we have confirmation now it simply wasn’t true!

We’re so sorry for jumping the gun on this one, KatyCat and Russ!

We were just so excited to imagine two of our favorites were rekindling an old flame, we must’ve been blinded by our love for you guys as a couple!!

Oh, f-ck off.

Russell Brand Loses It for Good, Jokes About Wanting a Kardashian Foursome

russell brand kardashians

Russell Brand might be a generally cool dude, but he’s also a f-cking weirdo who says some bizarre shit sometimes that makes me wonder what in the hell he was thinking, if he was indeed thinking anything at all. His latest foray into nonsense included joking about wanting a foursome with the Kardashians three – Kim, Kourtney and Khloe – and yes, that’s in spite of Kim being heavily pregnant (which seems to be even more of a turn on).

While guest hosting Chelsea Lately, the Kardashians interviewed Brand, during which he said (via DigitalSpy):

“I’m vulnerable to the concept of a KKK threesome,” Brand quipped, leading Khloe to say to the pregnant Kim: “Well, I heard pregnant p***y is the best p***y.”

The comedian went on to say: “I think pregnant women are radiant and beautiful and the idea of lactation is an interesting one.”

Brand went on to tease that his sexual experience with the Kardashian siblings would entail a “limitless, foaming river of milk and orgasm”.

Uh… I don’t consider myself to be easily grossed out, but that gave me shivers, and not in a good way. I mean, “the idea of lactation is an interesting one”?? Whatever floats your boat, bro, but keep it to yourself.

Amazing BFF Alert: David Lynch And Russell Brand

russell brand david lynch

David Lynch and Russell Brand have one thing in common: their love of transcendental meditation. Seriously. The Hammer Museum in Los Angeles screened a documentary titled Meditation, Creativity, Peace that stars Mr. Lynch. He and Russell Brand did a Q&A after the screening that had a record number turn-out for any event the museum has thrown, including a Patti Smith concert.

The Daily Beast reports:

The 67-year-old director of Blue Velvet and Mulholland Drive politely answers the odd question about his films, but mostly he talks about Transcendental Meditation.

A flurry of flashbulbs and TV cameramen signals the arrival of Lynch and his team from the David Lynch Foundation for Consciousness-Based Education and World Peace … Accompanying the group is the gangly British comedian Russell Brand, whom Lynch introduced to TM three years ago, and who’s here to moderate the evening’s Q&A. They are a pair designed for maximum contrast: Lynch with his Jimmy Neutron updo, Brand with his rock-star ringlets.

Lynch avoids the packed Billy Wilder Theater to wait backstage, while Brand sits in the front row, bantering with his neighbors.

“Have I told how much I love you?” says one man.

“You have. You’ve made it very clear. But I can always take a little more.”

The documentary opens with Lynch holding a jelly doughnut. “Transcendental Meditation gives an experience much sweeter than the sweetness of this doughnut,“ he says in his best Northwestern drawl. “It gives the experience of the sweetest nectar of life, pure bliss consciousness.”


During the Q&A afterwards, Brand mentions sex after one minute, 52 seconds. “Sometimes, I find myself in a situation, alone, late at night,” he says, “and in this situation I have the opportunity for masturbatory activity or meditative activity, and I said to David, ‘Often in this situation, I will choose masturbation. Why is this?’ And David goes, ‘That’s because you love to masturbate!’”

Lynch is quite happy to be the counterpoint to Brand’s naughty schoolboy antics.

“Excuse me, David, I think I have a clever thing to say. Can I say it?” Lynch nods indulgently as Brand launches into an epic, serpentine definition of the benefits of TM.

“We’re making a little CD of this,” Lynch tells the audience. “And you can hit half-speed.”

I would be so down for a reality show starring David Lynch and Russell Brand who are forced to be roommates for some reason. Wacky adventures would of course ensure. Whether you like Russell Brand or don’t, you have to admit that he’s very quick thinking and always ready with a quip.

Russell Brand Pokes Fun At His Own Marriage; I Loled

david lynch katy perry russell brand

Russell Brand made some funny and self-aware jokes about his failed marriage to Katy Perry on his radio show. He’s done this before, but it’s pretty direct here, and I think it’s done without being disrespectful to Ms. Perry. Also his show raised money for the Teen Cancer trust, so there’s that upside. His co-hosts Noel Gallagher, Matt Morgan, and Trevor Lock started it, by revealing on air that they all made bets on how long Mr. Brand’s marriage would last. EOnline has the details.

“Don’t cackle; I tried my hardest,” the actor said after Matt mocked Brand’s entrance to thelavish Indian wedding on an elephant. “How come you know exactly how long my marriage was—was you timing it?”

“For the record, in the sweepstake I came the closest,” Gallagher replied, ‘fessing up to the bet.

To which Russell provides a quick comeback:

“Let me tell you a thing about marriage. Marriage is a bond that can last up to 14 months…This is a sacred, 14-month arrangement. Begins on an elephant. Ends in a newspaper.

There’s something very Hunter S. Thompson about that statement.

P.S. I had to include that photo of David Lynch with Katy Perry and Russell Brand. Because, wtf. In the best possible way.

Russell Brand Is Being Sued For $185k Over LA Accident

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Russell Brand, for all intents and purposes, is a pretty decent dude. He does his yoga, helps homeless people, always uses condoms, he knows how to be dignified after a painful divorce… I don’t have a problem with him. Is he a bit… intense? Sure. But generally, I think he’s a harmless bro who’s worked hard to get his life together and I applaud him for that. Of course, that doesn’t mean he’s perfect, and now some bro in LA is claiming that Russell mowed him down with his car and he wants $185,000 for the “damage” (bodily and otherwise) he’s suffered because of it.

From TMZ:

The man who claims Russell Brand nailed him last year with his car now says he suffered $185,000 in damages.

TMZ broke the story … Victor Sneed sued Russell last year, alleging he was walking when he got mowed down.

Sneed just filed legal docs … claiming he has more body part damage than Zsa Zsa — specifically his left hand, left arm, left hip, neck and left wrist.

Sneed says he’s already shelled out $45k in medical expenses, and he sneeds another $140k for future surgeries.

Brand says he’s not to blame for the accident.

Did this actually happen? Who can say? If it did, and Sneed’s injuries were that extensive, it easily would have cost up to $185,000 depending on the treatment he needed. This is the problem with America – no socialised healthcare means people go bankrupt over shit like this. Russell Brand wouldn’t be bankrupt if he had to pay up, of course, but you know what I mean.

Then again, it wouldn’t be the first time someone tried to get money out of someone famous over something that never actually happened. We’ll have to wait and see on this one, I think.

Russell Brand Uses Condoms And Will Probably Bang Demi Moore

russell brand demi moore sex

The look of terror: Stern asks Brand if he's made love to Demi Moore.

How do we all feel about Russell Brand? I’ve never been able to come to terms with my own feelings for the man. He seems awful and gross and yet he wrote something quite moving and wonderful about Amy Winehouse after her death. I don’t find him funny but I don’t find him unfunny, either. But if Katy deemed him a worthy chap, then perhaps he is. Although they did wind up divorced. He came to her honor though, refusing to speak ill of her while being interviewed on The Howard Stern Show (Is that STILL a thing?), though Mr. Stern did his damnedest. He “went there” when he asked this:

What do you make of you ex-wife dating John Mayer? It’s like doesn’t she know he’s a worse womanizer than you?

The charming Mr. Stern also added,

No, but seriously, you know I knew from the beginning you’d never stay married.

Wow! Stern and Brand (that sounds like a law firm) went on to discuss Mr. Brand’s love of yoga, which lead him to meeting his friend Demi Moore. Brand insists that they’re not anything more than friends, saying,

I really like her. She’s a beautiful person.

Not quite enough for dear Howard, who persisted,

But you’ve not made love to her yet.

“Made love”? Good heavens, Mr. Stern is quite the proper 1800s gent, isn’t he? To which Russell shouted, “I’VE NOT MADE LOVE TO HER YET.” Good on you, old boy. Stern also accused Brand of not having safe sex, based on how he looks. I can’t really blame Stern there. And Brand, with as good an attitude as ever,

I do use one every time I have carnal relations. You can’t have germs flying about everywhere.

In conclusion, Demi Moore and Russell Brand are absolutely going to contain their germs together.