Girlfriend here is on the cover of Glamour and she’s got some business she wants to talk over with you.  For September 2011, Rihanna gets both sassy and serious.

On hating drama … and perfection: “I hate drama. But at the same time, nothing bothers me more than when life’s perfect. And that’s the sick part. I just love a challenge, whether it’s a relationship, my career, clothing…”

On her attention-getting sense of style: “Getting dressed, I want to pick the most bizarre pair of shorts so I can figure out how to make it look right, or work an outfit that will make people go, ‘What the hell is she wearing?’”

On dealing with how messy life can get: “I think honesty is the ultimate liberation in life. People want to shy away from the truth and keep sweeping it under the rug. But after a while, you pick up the rug and there’s just way too much dirt, so you might as well just be up front about it.”

On being a role model for young girls: “I want to set the right example and, at the same time, live my life….I feel like pop stars can’t be rock stars anymore because they have to be role models, and it takes the fun out of it for us, because we just want to have fun with art.”

On being a “man in the bedroom”: “I play a very dominant role in my life, in every aspect of it. And I like to feel like a lady still, at some point. I feel like that’s the time when a guy really gets to be a man, and I get to be a woman. And if I’m being a man in the bedroom too, there’s nothing really in it for me. ”

I suppose it’s alright. She’s, I think, coming more into her own, not placating the press, and not doing that whole ridiculous over-the-top thing that she was so famous for over the past year. It’s getting better, and that’s all I can ask. Also? At the end of the day, Rihanna is definitely one of those women who are way hotter when they’re not showing the world their private parts through a song.

Oh what, you didn’t know that?  You didn’t know that Rihanna has a license to roam as she pleases, forgoing pants and giving a damn? Well, she does. She can do as she damn well pleases, because she sang “Rude Boy” and don’t you forget it.

Rihanna’s gorgeous and all, but can she be done yet please? Can she go back to a world where she actually has to wear clothes to go out on the streets? Could we all just add that to our bedtime prayers?

Remember back in the day when Rihanna had that girl-from-the-island-next-door vibe going on and she was all soft and easy-spoken and understatedly seductive? Yeah, I do too. And that’s the Rihanna that lives on in my heart and memory, because this new technicolor “I’ll suck your dick AND bite it off when you’re not looking, too, while slapping the shit out of you with my a thick, coarse, red dreadlock and you’ll LIKE IT BITCH” kind of creeps me out. As do her stage costumes. See for yourself.

Or maybe not.  Maybe Chris Brown and Rihanna are just trying to salvage something of their relationship, or maybe they’re just trying to make things not completely horrible and awkward when they bump into each other at award shows or something. I don’t know.  All I know is that Chris Brown can’t work Twitter.

You know how you can send direct messages and you can send the little @ replies to people?  Poor Chris Brown has a little trouble with that.  Yesterday, he got the two things confused, and he sent Rihanna a message, in front of God and everybody, that said “you got that pic I sent you?”  He deleted the Tweet soon after, but the internet is lightning quick, and now we all know about it.

It’s possible the picture was totally innocent. Maybe he got another shitty tattoo he thought she’d like to see, or maybe he saw something funny at the Walmart – it’s really anyone’s guess.  But nowadays, when the public thinks of Chris Brown and pictures, only one thing comes to mind.  And that’s his dick.  Are you understanding the logic here yet?  Chris Brown is incapable of sending anyone a picture that isn’t of his junk.

At this point in time, I feel like I’ve been over Rihanna for decades, like “Rude Boy” came out when I was three and it’s been violently hammered into my soul ever since.  Still though, I wouldn’t like to see Rihanna go back to such an abusive prick, or even be subjected to a penis picture or two.  What about you guys, what’s your stance on this nowadays?

“My type of guy is hot and hung, but sweet will do!”

Here’s a little somethin’-somethin’ in the way of proof that Rihanna is, indeed, a size queen. Girlfriend sat down and filled out a questionnaire for Cosmopolitan, where she discussed important things like what she feels sexiest wearing (uh, chocolate body paint) and what she secretly fears (gaining weight during pregnancy).

I know a lot of people are reluctant to talk smack about someone who’s gone through a lot of anguish and pain, but come on: idiocy does not discriminate when it comes to immature ideas.

Rihanna is young, yeah, but really? ‘Chocolate body paint’? ‘I’m afraid of GETTING FAT’? Seems to me like someone’s trying too hard to for that coveted sex symbol status. Maybe she should just stick to being sweet and introspective and charming and let this S&M minx-vibe go. It’s just not working for her.

I mean, Nicki Minaj and Rihanna did too, and they both performed with Britney, but those gals are people you’d expect to see at these things these days. Britney, on the other hand, is still a re-emerging star, coming back from the grips of mental illness and Cheetos.

We’re going to cover the remainder of the show with a complete list of the winners and a crap ton of photos, but as I consider these duets to be the best moments of the night, it’s first.