I just sort of want to let this story speak for itself because I guarantee you it’s the most ridiculous thing you’ll hear today – or probably all week. The National Enquirer – ambassador of completely true and reliable journalism – reports that Rihanna is cheating on future husband Chris Brown in order to show him that she’s still got it and could have any man she wants. The person she’s cheating with? Wait for it… wait for it… Dane Cook.
I wonder what goes on at the National Enquirer offices. Do they all write down the most ridiculous celeb that comes to mind on a tiny slip of paper and then randomly draw the subject of their stories out of a hat? First it was Justin Bieber she was laying it on, now Dane Cook? Sure, he rivals Chris in the douchebag department, but who even cares about him at all? Like, I seriously forgot he existed.
A source said to the magazine: “[They] have been pals for years, but their friendship has heated up in recent months because Rihanna wants to show Chris that she’s still a hot commodity.
“They flirt like crazy, and Dane regularly sends Rihanna flowers and gushy emails.
“Rihanna’s friends all think they’re carrying on a romance, but she’s very secretive about it. She wants to keep everyone guessing, including Chris.”
Something in the weed ain’t fresh, though, because surprisingly, Rihanna’s reps thought this was even worth responding to and have cleared things up with GossipCop, saying that the story is “completely untrue”. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
March 22, 2013 at 10:30 am by Jennifer
Rihanna’s currently on her Diamonds world tour and frankly, I don’t know how she does it. When I was in my stoner phase, I literally fell asleep at 8pm and could barely find enough energy to make the box of macaroni & cheese I ended up eating the whole thing of, let alone perform at sold-out venues across the world. Still, she’s somehow doing it and on her way to Canada, shit got real when her tour buses were searched at customs and weed was found.
Revealing that weed was found on one of Rihanna‘s tour buses is like when Ricky Martin “revealed” that he was gay or Gwyneth Paltrow “revealed” that she is a total freakazoid: no one is really surprised. Obviously RiRi herself was not on any of these buses (take note, Snoop and… Willy Nelson?) – she was probably too busy planning her Carnival wedding – but here’s what TMZ had to say about it:
Rihanna‘s tour buses were stopped at the border between Michigan and Canada … and law enforcement sources tell TMZ … authorities found weed.
A total of 10 buses were stopped at the Ambassador Bridge, which separates Windsor, Canada and Detroit. Inspectors smelled marijuana on one of the buses and initiated a secondary, bus-to-bus search.
Inspectors then brought drug-sniffing dogs on board, and one of them made a beeline for a passenger and authorities found he was in possession of pot. We’re told he was cited with a civil penalty.
March 21, 2013 at 6:30 am by Jennifer
Rihanna smoked away all the sense God gave her, and he never gave Chris Brown any at all, so it’s no surprised the poster couple for “RELATIONSHIPS YOU NEVER WANT YOUR KIDS TO GET INTO” apparently want to get married on the beach in Barbados, with Rihanna wearing a bikini instead of a wedding dress. Isn’t that special?
A source close to the singer, 25, reveals: ‘This is her “F-ck you!” to the world.’
Unsurprisingly, the couple are planning to break with tradition at their wedding, which is likely to happen on a beach near the Sandy Lane resort.
‘Rihanna doesn’t want a big dress or boring old confetti,’ says our insider.
‘She wants to get married in her bikini and have a carnival atmosphere.
‘They want it to be relaxed and fun, like a “playground”, and to celebrate with the people who have stood by them.’
The way I see it, the only person getting f-cked here is Rihanna, because she has to spend her life with a disgusting, angry, homophobic woman beater and I can go about my days without… all that. Second of all, I’m all for eschewing tradition, but I’ve seen pictures of Rihanna at Carnival, and if that’s the vibe she’s going for, it’s going to be one classy affair. Hey, at least they’re going to get married before they start their family.
Below, some photos of Rihanna at Carnival in 2011, in case you wanted a sneak peak at the nuptials.
March 19, 2013 at 11:30 am by Jennifer
Sigh. My brain is eating itself with all the stupid shit coming out of Rihanna’s mouth lately. Between guns negating victimhood, Chris Brown having a “wonderful heart” and just… whatever this is, I just don’t know which way to turn. If you’re in the same position, allow me to give you some advice: steer clear of her new Elle interview, in which she reveals her desire to become a mother within the next 5 years.
“[In five years] I will probably have a kid. And I’m praying I can go on vacation for a good month. And I’ll have set some things up so I don’t have to tour for the rest of my life, even though I love touring.
“I want health and happiness in five years. I want to be healthy and happy.”
To each her own and all, but something tells me the opposite of “health and happiness” lay down the path of staying with Chris, being a total deadhead stoner and then bringing a kid into the mix, as well.
March 3, 2013 at 2:00 pm by Jennifer
Today is a day for tattoo news, apparently. Rihanna is another one who has pretty awful taste in them, but she insists that hers have meaning. For instance, the gun she’s got under her right armpit doesn’t mean “danger: you don’t want to smell that”, it actually is a symbol for her strength as a woman and her insistence on not being a victim… or whatever.
“Everybody wanted to know what was happening in my life. Is she a drug addict? No. Is she an alcoholic? No. Is she a victim? No,” Rihanna said.
“That’s when I got the gun. It was a symbol of strength. I’ll never be a victim.
“That’s why I’m posting pictures of myself smoking pot, to tell the truth about myself. I’ve got so much to think about, why bring all this extra shit by being dishonest?”
She continued: “Well I Instagram everything about my life, whether it’s smoking pot, in a strip club, reading a Bible verse – how crazy, I know! – or hanging out with my best friend, who happens to be Chris [Brown].”
I think there’s a difference between being honest about your life and portraying yourself as the drug addict you swear you’re not. Like, girl, just no. Second of all, you’ll probably be wishing that gun tattoo was the real thing for self-defense when your best friend attempts to beat you to a bloody pulp again, which will happen, even if you both are stupid enough to believe he’s been redeemed.
More photos from Rihanna’s Elle shoot below.
March 2, 2013 at 2:00 pm by Jennifer
Today in “Oh, f-ck off” news, Chris Brown is actually talking about beating Rihanna up – no, he hasn’t forgot it happened – and he wants everyone to know that he really regrets it but that we can all shut the hell up about it because he’s earned his forgiveness.
From The Mirror:
Rihanna’s boyfriend Chris Brown has described his vicious assault on the singer as the “greatest regret” of his life.
Speaking for the first time about their recent reconciliation, the US R&B star shrugged off the public backlash against him and pledged never to hurt the Bajan beauty again.
In a searingly honest interview with The Mirror, he apologised for his actions in 2009, when he physically attacked Rihanna, leaving her shocked and bruised.
And Brown admitted that winning her love back had taken many months of tough “serious making up”.
He said: “Sometimes you row, you fight, with the one you love and things get said, stuff spirals.
“That night was the deepest regret of my life, the biggest mistake.
“But she loves me – what can I say? I’m forgiven… but, yes, I worked hard for it.”
Talking at Elton John’s Aids Foundation Oscars fund raising party in West Hollywood, the double platinum-selling star said he had “grown up” and learned how to deal with fame.
He also dismissed a bad taste joke by host Seth Macfarlane during the Academy Awards ceremony – in which Macfarlane compared the “unspeakably violent” movie Django Unchained to “date night for Rihanna and Chris Brown”.
Brown, 23, said: “People attack me and criticise me, it happens all the time.
“But they don’t know me, and they don’t know us. It doesn’t bother me any more.
“Other people can judge us but they don’t know anything.”
I’m pretty sure I know a few things, the first of which is that regardless of how many “things get said” and how far stuff “spirals”, I have never hit anyone and would kick anyone who ever laid a finger on me to the curb indefinitely. Second of all, people attack and criticise you because you’re an absolute asshole, Chris Brown. You’re the worst. Ever.
You know what? I’m just not even doing this anymore. I’m just wasting my breath.