My name is Bobby and I will be your new celebrity gossip writer as of the beginning of February. I know that you are going to be ruthlessly critical, and I expect nothing less. Until recently, I, too, used to tear apart celebrities and authors alike in the comments, but consider yourselves warned! To get this job I had to bribe and coerce and blackmail people, and when that didn’t work, I sent Sarah a severed horse head, so no funny business.
Just kidding. I am, in fact, quite harmless. My specialties include photography, rock and roll music, and kittens*, and my goal for this year is to somehow manage to work the word idempotent in a sentence. It also happens that I am in a sort of a Jessica Simpson situation at the moment – not even nine months after I had my first baby, my husband went ahead and knocked me up again. This very much leads me to the theme of my very first post for Evil Beet – pregnant celebrities!
So without further ado, here’s a list of 12 celebs who will be procreating at various times this year (in no particular order):
There was no love lost between Evan and, well, almost everyone on Evil Beet so far, but I like the gal ever since I saw her in Thirteen. She is expecting her first child with husband Jamie Bell sometime in the Summer.
2. Kristen Bell
The sloth-loving Kristen Bell is preggers with her first child from Dax Shepard, and if crying uncontrollably at the sight of sloths isn’t a good enough reason to like her, Kristen is also outspoken on issues like same sex marriage and animal welfare. She’s due in the Spring.
3. Amber Rose
Model Amber Rose is expecting a very laid back (and possibly tattooed) child with Wiz Khalifa, and is ready to pop any minute, forever changing the the way her vagina photographs.
4. Jenna Dewan-Tatum
I don’t have any idea who she is, but they say her husband is hot so there you go.
Former Playboy bunny/stripper/reality star Madison, known mainly for her utter lack of style, is expecting a girl in March. For the delivery, she’s rumored to either wear a mustard yellow floral nylon dress, or nothing.
Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge had a rough first trimester but she seems fine now, unless you refer to the latest portrait of her, in which case she doesn’t. I really hope Kate puts on some weight during this pregnancy; it makes me feel uneasy watching her right now. She looks … sort of malnourished. Or maybe I’m just jealous because I know I’ll turn to a whale long before I reach full term. A Great Blue Whale.
7. Sophie Dahl
Dahl is pregnant with her second child, but I have a feeling that despite of being Roald Dahl’s granddaughter and a former plus-size model, many of you might not consider Sophie a celebrity. If that’s the case, let me remind you that she was on the cover of Vogue, like, 500 times, and that makes her at least more famous than you and I. Besides, you gotta love how much taller she is than her husband.
8. Busy Philipps
I LOVE Busy. She is so pretty and real, and she always steals the show even though she’s not necessarily in the A-list headlines all the time.
This here British celebrity who is famous for being famous is going to have another baby boy, and oh! god. She intends on naming him Phaedra. Let us all roll our eyes on a count of three.
10. Malin Akerman
11. Jessica Simpson
I suspect that Jessica actually learned the trick of getting pregnant so soon after giving birth from Britney, but then again Jessica’s fiance is quite cute and I don’t see why the hell not. Jess is going to have a boy.
12. Kim Kardashian
And finally, the worst, most terrible celebrity couple, Kimye. Typing this nauseates me, so I’m just going to give you a funny picture of Kim and leave it there. There’s nothing much to say about it anyways, except maybe to loosely quote Chelsea Handler who predicted that, considering its parents, this baby will be “tanned and very hairy.”
*I’m sure you’ll be missing Emily’s kittens so I promise to post photos of mine as often as I can.
January 24, 2013 at 7:00 am by Bobby Pfeiffer
Two, that poor first child is only six months old, and Peaches is already three-and-a-half months pregnant. And that is insane. That sounds like a nightmare. Even Peaches herself admitted that it would be a nightmare:
“I did have a momentary panic and go, ‘Oh my God, we’re going to have a one-year-old and a one-month-old! How will we cope?’”
But then her husband told her to chill and everything was cool again.
Oh, and here’s the third reason why Peaches’ pregnancy is notable: she’s already picked out a name for her kid. She’s going to have another little boy, and she’s going to name him Phaedra. No, really. If you think that’s a totally girly name, it’s because it’s the name of a female character in Greek mythology who falls in love with her stepson and then kills herself. Super great choice of names, Peaches. I’m sure that kid will have it way easy growing up.
On the bright side, here’s a photo that Peaches posted of her little baby son (the one that’s already out of the womb):
November 12, 2012 at 11:30 am by Emily
No, I know what you’re thinking. It’s probably either “why are we talking about Peaches Geldof?” or “when did Peaches Geldof become a mom?” or “who is Peaches Geldof?” or if you’re more in the know, you might just be wondering why I said that Peaches Geldof is a great mom. And those are all very, very fair questions.
Peaches is famous because she’s the daughter of other famous people, but also because she’s a hot mess. She became a mom back in April when she gave birth to a little boy that she named Astala, and she married the baby’s father, Thomas Cohen, over the weekend (which is important later!). We’re talking about her because she found a way to combine those two things, being a mom and being a hot mess, quite impressively.
THIS BITCH. But here’s the clincher:
Please note how her baby stroller managed to topple over with the baby inside, how the baby fell on the sidewalk, and how Peaches bent down to pick up the baby, all while never getting off her phone. But I guess all’s well that ends well, because the baby is fine and Peaches has some Very Strong Thoughts about the sidewalks in London. Here are her outraged tweets:
Was just walking with Astala in his pram and there was a massive hole in the pavement I didn’t see as was pushing the pram and the pram fell into it and toppled over! Thankfully Astala didn’t fall out as was strapped in and so didnt get hurt at all or cry. But still the London pavements are SO dangerous!
If he had fallen out he could have seriously hurt himself! And it’s impossible to see these cracks When pushing a pram
The mayor of london should do something about it it’s ridiculous! Thank god Astala is ok! X
That was after the incident, but after the photos were published, she tweeted this big long rant about how the photos were just a way of getting back at her for not allowing a certain publication to take photos at her wedding. She said that they were just making up “rude stories about my mothering ability because London’s roads are so crappy and dangerous.”
Peaches. Girl, look. I don’t even have a kid, but I understand that things happen. I understand that sometimes you can drop a baby, and sometimes you can knock a baby against a wall while you’re carrying it. Sometimes, obviously, you can even hit a bump in a sidewalk and turn your baby’s stroller over. Accidents happen, and it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Nobody thinks that you pushed your kid’s stroller down. We get it. What we don’t get is how you can watch your baby hit the pavement and not, you know, get off the phone.
September 10, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Emily
As if the photo above of Peaches Geldof getting ready to smooch on a magazine poster of Rupert Grint wasn’t enough, Peaches went ahead and discussed her feelings further on Twitter:
Little known fact about me: I’ve been writing Harry Potter fan fiction under a pseudonym for quite a while now. I’m never revealing myself!!
‘Ron: The Ginger Hero’, by Peaches Honeyblossom Geldof. ‘Ron, ron, your name- a song, your hair, a flame, your eyes of green…’
…’Ron, Ron, it wont be long, til you and Hermoine, can finally be happy. The whole world is ready, for you to go steady, so cast a spell..
‘…and time will tell, you’re a ginger legend, Ron. Ron, Ron, be brave and strong, help Harry out, crush Voldy’s snout.” THE END THANKS.
Please tweet me your Harry Potter inspired poems so I can read them & subsequently quench my bout of Potter fever that’s raging right now…
Do you guys like Peaches’ poem? I think I’m going to give it an A for effort, because you can tell the girl really loves her some Weasley. And if I knew that I could use Twitter to write elementary level fan poetry, you best believe I would have been on that months ago. So well done, Peaches, and I hope you share more of your art with us soon.
September 4, 2010 at 11:57 am by Emily
Ew, Peaches Geldof, go back to the early nineties and put your outfit (and hair) out of its misery. Gross.
Geldof, who was apparently cleaning up for her new boyfriend, Eli Roth, and trying to shed the bad publicity of her nasty, nasty drugged-out photo shoot with a red head pee-the-bed ex-boyfriend has come full circle.
She was looking pretty normal — and not all that bad! — for awhile, but the facade of cleanliness, much like the beginning stages of a new, exciting relationship, wears off eventually.
June 30, 2010 at 6:30 am by Sarah
I’ll just bet these pictures prompt so many questions for you.
Like, who’s the creepy red-headed kid in the photos? Yeah, his name is Ben Mills. And he was expelled from his New Jersey university for threatening to slit the throat of one of his female classmates. And also, you’re probably wondering what a skanked-out dude like this is doing with what’s supposed to be an upstanding lady from across the pond, yeah? Evidently, the two met back in 2009 after a detoxification clinic sponsored by the Scientology religion in LA. Peaches Geldof obviously had some mad wool pulled over her eyes when this creepy “ex” — and by “ex” I mean a random that happened to enjoy the same drugs she did at the moment — released photos that were allegedly taken after the detox process and during a heroin-filled sex romp.
After the clinic concluded, the two allegedly drove around LA looking for heroin apparatuses and after obviously finding what they needed, hell, it all went downhill. Mills claimed that the two watched a movie together, and before they knew it, things had gotten “hot and heavy” — and that hotness-and-heaviness clearly involved drugs, really unfortunate lighting, cameras, and poorly-applied eyeliner.
Although Geldof’s lawyers disassociate her from this Mills character and claim that she had nothing to do with him or heroin, there’s no mistaking that this is our lovely Peaches, with her lovely peaches hanging on out, definitely under the influence of something pretty heavy-duty.