Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Nicki Minaj

Nicki Minaj’s First Love: Lawyering

Photo: Nicki Minaj goes green in this month's 'Vogue'

“What are you, a lawyer?”

…is my third-favorite line from Rushmore, and I love saying it to people. If I ever said it to Nicki Minaj, though, she would probably punch me because, two things:

1) Nicki Minaj is not a lawyer.
2) Nicki Minaj totally wanted to be a lawyer.

In this month’s Vogue, my favorite space alien is all greened-up like a Star Trek character, and she is freaking hot, OK.

And then there is this quote:

A huge part of me wanted to be a lawyer! I would do a really good job as a prosecutor.

When Nicki Minaj says it, man, I believe it. She is terrifying.

Like if Nicki Minaj were a Law & Order character, she would win every time. She would just strut in, put her hand on her hip, and go, “The prosecution rests, your Honor,” and everyone would be like, “We are ready to render a verdict in favor of whatever Nicki Minaj just said.”

There isn’t much to say about Minaj’s personal life—not only is this an article about highfalutin fashion, the fact is, Minaj won’t spill:

She currently lives in a condo in L.A., where she moved for the weather but also to escape “some bad memories.” Though she declines to divulge much about her personal life, she readily admits to snuggling up in hotel beds, unwinding after a performance by watching Forensic Files and Judge Judy. Minaj insists she’s terrible at small talk and never goes out much, except for the occasional foray to a favorite restaurant. “I went to Negril the other night, and I brought, like, ten of the fans who were waiting outside with me, and bought them all food!”

See, I totally admire this. I am a chronic gushy oversharer—I am beginning to think my condition can’t be helped—and I admire Minaj’s tight-lipped discipline. But she’s also one of those pop stars I know nothing about and that is fine. Like, I really don’t even want to know more than she is willing to tell, because I love her blithely and unconditionally, you guys.

(Image filched from ‘Vogue’ by way of ONTD.)

People Are Still Talking About Nicki Minaj’s Grammy Performance

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Specifically, Lil’ Kim is still talking about it. That shouldn’t be surprising since Lil’ Kim holds a bit of a grudge against Nicki Minaj and Nicki isn’t too fond of Lil’ Kim either. Another reason why it shouldn’t come as a surprise is because lots of people are getting their panties in a wad over Nicki’s “The Exorcism of Roman.” But it’s always fun to talk about some ladies being snippy, and I figured this is as good a way as any to kick off the evening, so let’s go ahead and get started, all right?

Here’s what Lil’ Kim had to say about Nicki:

You can count Lil’ Kim among the people confused – to put it mildly – by Nicki Minaj’s religious-themed performance at Sunday’s Grammy Awards.

“I don’t know what that was. I’m pretty sure I feel the same way everybody else feels right about now,” Kim, 37, said Wednesday night on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live.

But then Kim got a little more blunt in her appraisal of the 29-year-old rapper. “If you have to make a song called ‘Stupid Hoe,’ you must be a stupid hoe,” Kim said after host Andy Cohen told her she got many questions from viewers about her thoughts on Minaj.

So far, Nicki hasn’t responded to these specific remarks, but she has commented on the reaction her performance received:

“I don’t know what is the big issue?” she said Wednesday at a Viva Glam MAC cosmetics event in New York, reports the Associated Press. She also said the whole skit, which included dancing priests and a levitation stunt, was from a movie she’s writing.

“You know how people write plays and movies? That’s what I did. I wrote that and I gave the world a tiny little preview of what was to come,” she said.

A movie? Heaven help us all (LOL).

A couple of days ago when I discussed the Catholic League’s reaction to what Nicki did at the Grammys, I said that I wasn’t offended at all. I want to take that back. I watched the video a few more times, and I am ridiculously offended. Not by all the religious business or the exorcism aspect or anything like that: I am offended because it was so bad. Nicki claims that she was being theatrical with that remark about “you know how people write plays and movies,” but the thing is, she wasn’t playing at the Tony Awards or the Oscars. She was a rapper performing at the Grammys, so it’s not absurd for people to have expected a musical performance. It was like she was doing a really bad number from a musical that I have zero interest in seeing.

I get that musicians can be theatrical. I’m a Bowie fan remember? And even though I personally can’t stand Lady Gaga, I know that she’s really talented, and every weird performance of hers I’ve seen, she had the talent and the skill to back up all the weird stuff. But I’m sorry, Nicki’s actual performance sounded like a hot mess, and as a musician, no matter how much cool stuff you do or how many neat costumes and tricks you have, it doesn’t matter if the music suffers because of it.

I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Lil’ Kim. What about you?

Is Nicki Minaj Possessed?

A photo of Nicki Minaj

And no, I’m not talking about her performance at the Grammys, I’m talking about Nicki Minaj, the person. Is Nicki Minaj possessed? Because some people are legitimately wondering if she is or not. And by “some people,” I mean the Catholic League:

Nicki Minaj, fresh off looking like a fool with Madonna at the Super Bowl, showed up last night on the red carpet at the Grammys with a guy dressed like the pope. This was just a prelude of what was to come.

Minaj’s performance began on stage with a mock confessional skit. This was followed by a taped video depicting a mock exorcism. With stained glass in the background, she appeared on stage again with choir boys and monks dancing.

Perhaps the most vulgar part was the sexual statement that showed a scantily clad female dancer stretching backwards while an altar boy knelt between her legs in prayer. Finally, “Come All Ye Faithful” was sung while a man posing as a bishop walked on stage; Minaj was shown levitating.

None of this was by accident, and all of it was approved by The Recording Academy, which puts on the Grammys. Whether Minaj is possessed is surely an open question, but what is not in doubt is the irresponsibility of The Recording Academy. Never would they allow an artist to insult Judaism or Islam.

It’s bad enough that Catholics have to fight for their rights vis-à-vis a hostile administration in Washington without also having to fend off attacks in the entertainment industry. The net effect, however, will only embolden Catholics, as well as their friends in other faith communities.

Personally, I wasn’t offended by Nicki’s performance, but I’m not easily offended, and these aren’t my beliefs being displayed in some wacky show. I guess I could see where someone could take offense, but then again … it’s Nicki Minaj. Why let yourself get worked up over a rapper with ass implants?

As long as we’re talking about people being offended, it looks like even Nicki’s manager and some of her friends thought she went too far with the red nun getup she wore to the Grammys. Check out this blind item from Blind Gossip:

There was a big fashion controversy in the days leading up to the Grammys. This particular singer was not about to let anyone outshine them on the red carpet. “F*ck the swan and f*ck the meat dress!” they said. “I want something really outrageous!” They changed designers and outfits several times in the days leading up to the awards show, with each iteration getting more and more controversial. When the decision was finally made, a shouting match ensued between the singer and their manager. “There’s a difference between creative and offensive, and you’ve crossed the line!” Even the star’s close friends argued passionately about the outfit. Some were calling it genius, some were calling it tacky. It will be interesting to see if there will be a backlash tomorrow… and if that backlash will hurt record sales.

Were you offended by Nicki Minaj’s heathen ways?

Watch This: Nicki Minaj’s Bizarre ‘Roman Holiday’ Performance from the Grammys

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Guess we’re on a controversial highway to hell here this afternoon, guys. Remember how I said that Nicki Minaj did this weird Catholic-possession-themed performance later on in the evening last night? She did. And here it is in full effect.

What I want to know, though, is why people actually like this girl. Rather, her performances and her music. She could be a delightful lady, I don’t know. I don’t really care. The only thing that I can focus on is the weird faces, the painful performances, and the odd voices. I just don’t get it, and maybe that makes me old or stupid or narrow-minded, and that’s completely alright with me.

I mean honestly, you had Minaj’s performance last night, which, in my opinion, dragged on far, far too long than it should have (and how it ended? What the hell.), but then you have a fabulous duo like The Civil Wars, who get, what, an entire thirty seconds of air time and they do stuff like this:

And this:

And, you know, like this?:

Obviously, their original stuff is way good, too, but that’s aside from the point. If you’re not Nicki Minaj or Katy Perry or Rihanna – generally speaking – then you’re just a tiny blip on the radar of musical entertainment, but hey. To each his own, I guess; isn’t that what it’s all about?

Another Celebrity Rider: Nicki Minaj

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Wouldn’t it be great if you and I could devise our own riders, so that the stuff we love to death would follow us practically wherever we go? Grocery store shopping: sure, but I gotta have my rider. The obligatory in-law visit. OK: but the rider’s contents better be in place when I get there. Nicki Minaj – who would strike me as the Mariah Carey-type and want sequined couches and animal-print throw rugs and imported-from-India incense or whatever all over the place – has a rider that’s actually pretty normal, and chock-full of reasonable stuff (like bacon and eggs and fruit). Here’s Nicki’s rider, providing the meals and the space for her and a group of her 4-6 person entourage:

2 dozen pink or white roses and 3 large ‘Baked Goods-scented’ candles
Hot Tea setup with lemon wedges, sugar and honey. Must include teacups, saucers, spoons and napkins and decaffeinated Lipton Tea bags
2 packs Halls lemon honey drops and 3 packs of Thayers Slippery Elm lozenges (three different flavors)
Contact lenses solution with case, 2 Space Heaters – VERY IMPORTANT – and a cool mist humidifier
3 packs of gum in 3 different flavors
24 bottles of Dasani Water (12 room temperature, 12 on ice)
12 cans of Red Bull (6 room temp, 6 iced)
12 bottles of Martinelli’s Apple Juice (6 room temp, 6 iced)
24 bottles of Snapple, 12 must be Lemon Ice Tea, 12 other assorted flavours
Singer’s Saving Grace throat spray
2 large bottles of assorted fruit juices and one gallon of Simply Lemonade – please supply one small tub of clean ice and cups for drinks.
Egg Whites (scrambled hard), Turkey Bacon (fried hard), white toast (grape and strawberry jelly/jam). Belgian Waffles (syrup, powdered sugar, whipped cream, butter and strawberries on side) Enough to serve 4 people
1 Large Fruit platter with side of mango and 1 Large Cheese platter
3 twelve piece buckets of fried chicken spicy – no thighs, lots of wings
A deli tray with turkey breast meat, grilled chicken breast, whole wheat bread or rolls, yellow mustard and other condiments (seasoned salt, hot sauce), plates, forks, spooks, knives, napkins and straws (enough for six people)
Salad – Iceberg lettuce, sliced tomatoes, sliced cucumbers, green olives, Wishbone Light Italian dressing, Bumble Bee tuna in water, wheat or low Fat crackers
Carrots and Dip
Cranberries (dried), almonds (raw- not roasted)
One set of fine silverware/stainless steel silverware

Hm. So I guess if I had to make up a rider (and wouldn’t that just be terrible), mine would include things like gourmet-quality dark roast coffee – ground on the premises, fresh half and half, turbinado sugar, ceramic coffee mugs, a few bottles of Beaujolias Nouveau wine, spring water (except for Deer Park, because that garbage tastes like piss), Fritos, ready-to-eat spaghetti and meatballs, Dagoba Chai organic chocolate bars, and probably something really pain-in-the-ass like lavender-colored 1600 thread-count sheets and pillowcases, four goose down pillows, and a goose down comforter so I could sleep for a full eight hours after ingesting all of that food. Yes.

Hm. I guess I’d be a diva-bitch, too, if I could get my hands on my favorite things at someone else’s whim. What would be on your rider?

AskMen Releases Their Top 99 Women: 2012 Edition

photo of ask men pictures top 99 women pictures 2012 photo
It’s that special, special time of year again when AskMen releases their top 99 hot women of the year, and this year, the list was especially exceptional, especially their top 10. Some of the picks were obvious, some questionable, but all in all, at the end of the day, it was all done to support the industry that we love so much: sex entertainment.

Slots ten through six included Candice Swanepoel, Rihanna, Kim Kardashian, Scarlett Johansson, and Emma Stone. Candice I just didn’t get – though she’s a Victoria’s Secret Angel, she’s quite average-looking if you ask me. As for Rihanna and Kim Kardashian, ugh. Those two are so played out that it’s hard to even decide if they’re still hot after all of the BS that they’ve pulled over the past few years. Scarlett Johansson has been a staple on this sort of list for years now, and there’s no doubt that Emma Stone is one hot-bitch-on-the-rise who probably deserves to be higher than the number six spot. Or, you know, not. Depending on who you ask. Because the top five were almost complete head-scratchers, with the exception of number one. Let’s review, shall we?

photo of nicki minaj pictures photos pics
#5 – Nicki Minaj. Nicki Minaj. What? Higher-ranked than Scarlett Johansson? What’s the world coming to? Apparently many of today’s men can appreciate plastic appendages, because Minaj is one of the biggest offenders – no pun intended. Why AskMen chose Nicki:

“… It’s not often you find a female emcee whose looks are as infectious as her rhymes.”

photo of miranda kerr hot pictures photos pics
#4 – Miranda Kerr. So this one makes some sense. She’s pretty, she bounced right back after having her baby last year, and she’s married to Orlando Bloom. I mean, I know some perfectly hetero men who have a man-crush on Orlando Bloom, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m pretty sure I have a lady-crush on Miranda, so it all works out. Why AskMen chose Miranda:

“This elegant Aussie has dimples we could get lost in and never want to come out of.”

photo of rooney mara pictures photos pics
#3 – Rooney Mara. This one I just do not get. Rooney Mara is pretty and sweet and soft-looking (when she’s not rocking bondage and facial piercings and bangs trauma), and she’s tons prettier than her sister, Kate, but number three? Who’d the girl with the dragon tattoo pay to get in that slot? Why AskMen chose Rooney:

“… Punks everywhere officially found their new pin-up girl.”

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#2 – Kate Upton. It’s really not surprising, having the obligatory busty Sports Illustrated blonde in the top five. I think it’s somewhere in the contractual wording when these kinds of lists get churned out. This year it’s Kate Upton, who has big boobs. And who did the Dougie in 2011. Why AskMen chose Kate:

“Upton’s classically curvy body and face full of girlish charm make her an easy choice as a breakout model.”

photo of sofia vergara pictures photos pics
#1 – Sofia Vergara. This one’s an easy choice. She’s hot, she’s funny, and she’s – above all – likable. Plus, she’s not cookie-cutter nineteen-year-old Hollywood, and that probably appealed to a lot of the editors over at AskMen. Why AskMen chose Sofia:

“Vergara shows off the best cleavage on network TV, and we’ve never been more jealous of Ed O’Neill. But despite her obvious assets, Vergara’s also one very funny woman, lampooning stereotypes with her perfect timing.”

Do you guys think this top five is THE top five of 2012? I’ll admit – most of it’s got me wondering who the hell compiled this list.

Nicki Minaj Releases ‘Stupid Hoe’ Video

OK, so am I the only one who just doesn’t get Nicki Minaj? Doesn’t get the weird faces and the fake baby voices and making me intentionally spell things wrong?

This is girlfriend’s latest video for her latest single, ‘Stupid Hoe’, and between the seizures I’m having from trying to figure out whether or not that’s a prosthetic ass or not and the silly, over-wide anime eyes that seem to follow me all over the room, I don’t really know whether I should be laughing, crying, or foaming at the mouth.

I won’t lie – the erotic monkeys kind of scare me, too.

If you can’t listen to the video right now for whatever reason but still want to watch the visual onslaught of what happens to an epileptic before they pass out, mute the garbage and read the lyrics instead:

I get it crackin’ like a bad back
Bitch talkin’ she the queen when she lookin’ like a lab rat,
I’m Angelina, You Jennifer,
Come on, bitch. You see where Brad at

Ice my wrists-is, then I piss on bitches,
You can suck my diznik, if you take this jizz-is,
You don’t like them disses, give my ass some kisses
Yeah they know what this is, givin this the business

Cause I pull up and I’m stuntin’ but I ain’t a stuntman
Yes I’m rockin’ Jordans but I ain’t a jumpman
B!tches play the back cause they know I’m the front man
Put me on the dollar cause Im who they trusting
Ayo SV, whats the f-cks good? We ship platinum, them bitches are shipping wood
Them nappy headed hoes, but my kitchen good
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish
a bitch woooooooooooooooooould.

You a stupid hoe, you a, you a …

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