11Hannah Montana Due to Conclude This Year

Reps state that Miley’s breakthrough television show, Hannah Montana, is ova.  The fourth and final season will begin filming this month and wrap up sometime this summer.

Tweens worldwide, at this very moment, are probably in hysterics and tearing at their hair and burning Hannah Montana dolls in effigy. Oh, the melodrama of it all.

Although Miley’s film career is over on hiatus, there’s got to be a good side to it all, right?  Now she’s just got more time to perfect the things she’s best at: pole-dancing, picking, grinning, designing clothes for Walmart, obsessing over that Jonas boy and making really unfortunate faces.

January 8, 2010 at 1:13 pm by Sarah

55Quotables

“My job is to be a role model, and that’s what I want to do, but my job isn’t to be a parent. My job isn’t to tell your kids how to act or how not to act, because I’m still figuring that out for myself. So to take that away from me is a bit selfish. Your kids are going to make mistakes whether I do or not. That’s just life.”

- Miley Cyrus, worker of the pole, in this month’s Harper’s Bazaar.

January 6, 2010 at 11:02 am by Molls

45Who Was The Most Annoying Celebrity of 2009?

2009 was a particularly annoying year in terms of celebrities. And well, most things. But celebrities for sure. Today the SCTimes.com printed their list of the 10 most annoying celebrities of 2009 and I couldn’t agree more with their picks:

1. Jon Gosselin — This guy is so annoying that he made his wife Kate seem less annoying than usual this year. Once the couple split, which you may have heard about in the media, he made one annoying move after another. His wife, on the other hand, took the high road, assuming you believe that the “high road” is granting a series of TV interviews in which you whine about your money problems.

2. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt — This couple actually walked around in 2009 with their own video camera, hoping to sell the footage to a cable network for a reality show. These self-serving people set out to annoy the world, and they succeeded.

3. The Kardashians — Frankly, I initially couldn’t decide among sisters Kim, Kourtney or Khloe, or even their mother Kris. This reality-show family lifted annoyance to an art form. Kourtney had a baby this year, and Khloe married Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom, so we’re giving them a partial pass. Although Kris raised these three annoying young women, I’ve got to give the most annoying award to Kim. But, in the interest of fairness, let’s just call them all annoying.

4. Perez Hilton — For those of you who do not track the world of celebrity blogging, you probably assume I’m talking about someone related to Paris Hilton. This guy is not related to anyone named Hilton. His real name is Mario Armando Lavandeira, and he took the heiress’s name because he worships her. How annoying is that? Anyway, this guy has become a celebrity in his own right by mocking other celebrities on his blog. The most annoying (and despicable) thing he did in 2009 was reporting the death of former “Charlie’s Angels” actress Jaclyn Smith and, when she announced that she was very much alive, this bottom-feeder didn’t have the courtesy or class to apologize.

5. Kanye West — I’ve got news for you; even if he didn’t do that obnoxious thing to Taylor Swift on that awards show, he still would have made this list. I grind my teeth whenever this guy opens his mouth.

6. Levi Johnston — The father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild decided he wanted to be an annoying jerk when he grows up. On one TV show, he was joined on a panel by Jon Gosselin. It takes one to know one.

7. Nadya Suleman — You might know her better as “The Octomom.” I use the word “celebrity” loosely in discussing her, but I had no plans to write a list of the “Most annoying mother of 14 children,” so I had to include her here. I don’t really have to explain why she is annoying, do I?

8. Joe Jackson — The father of the late pop singer Michael Jackson transcends annoying, particularly when he seemed to be trying to benefit financially from his son’s death. He hardly belongs in what is supposed to be a lighthearted column, but his face annoys me, so how could I keep him off this list?

9. Miley Cyrus — Is she old enough to retire yet? I am so sick and tired of her and her father. She grates on me, and I thought I’d never get rid of her, but if she keeps pulling stunts like that little dance on the stripper pole at the Teen Choice Awards, I won’t have to put up with the Cyrus family much longer. Once Miley slips out of public favor, her father will soon follow.

10. Kara DioGuardi — It wasn’t her fault that the people behind the TV show “American Idol” decided to expand the judge’s table to four. The singer-songwriter probably was doomed to failure before she started because viewers didn’t like the change, but she certainly made the worst of a bad situation. Was it just me, or did she start to annoy from day one? She seemed awkward, and the more she tried to ingratiate herself with the audience, the more awkward it got. The producers tried to convince us of her musical credentials, but nobody was buying the sales job. When she wrote a lame song for the competition, she was exposed.

While I’d probably cut the Kardashians from the list (I can’t hate them. They are so harmless and dumb to me and that Khloe makes me laugh) and move Miley up a few notches, I think this is more or less a great list. However, there are plenty of other celebrities out there who grated on our last nerve this year. Tila Tequila, Mischa Barton and Lady Gaga are three people I could deal with hearing less about.

Who’s your pick for the most annoying celebrity of 2009?

December 17, 2009 at 3:02 pm by Molls

68Shake That Booty, Miley!

Is it wrong that I’m a little obsessed with Miley Cyrus? You know what? It’s definitely wrong. You know how I know that? Because I’m a heterosexual, 27-year-old female, and I’m watching this performance and thinking, “Holy shit that girl is hot.” So, I mean, Lord only knows what the men of the world are thinking about this child. I will be way, way more comfortable with everything about Miley Cyrus when she turns 18. Here’s Miley performing “Party in the USA” at some place that isn’t America on Wednesday. She dry-humps the air around 1:07 (thanks Cady for the heads-up!). I don’t think we can be upset about the dry-humping when we can see her damn butt cheeks hanging out of the bottom of her shorts. Oh, Miley, can you be an adult already so we can all stop being upset about the enormous sexuality with which you’ve been so successfully marketed?

Do you know who I am not obsessed with? This small child named Justin Bieber who sings the “One Less Lonely Girl” song. They never played it on the radio in Seattle, but I’ve been in Scottsdale the past week and it is all anyone ever plays on the radio. The first time I heard it I was like, “Oh, this is a lesbian singing a song. How lovely. Trite, but lovely.” Then, as it continued, I began to get an inkling that this might be a male singing. Then I asked about it on Twitter and I was informed that it was this Justin Bieber person I’ve been hearing about lately. And a reader on Facebook linked me to a fan page called No Justin Bieber you don’t love that girl, you’re 12, and I think that about sums up my feelings on the subject. I watched the song’s video (above), and all I could think was that if this child approached me on the street and wanted me to hand a piece of paper that said “I will shower you with kisses” to some girl, I would call both their parents immediately.

You know why I think I’m most upset about this? It’s obviously being marketed to really young girls, and the mere implication that a pre-teen girl needs a goddamn boyfriend to keep from being lonely is downright abhorrent. Girls, this concept that you should be dating and in love in middle school to keep from being sad and alone is a LIE THE MEDIA IS SELLING TO YOU. DON’T BUY IT. You don’t need anything to do on Valentine’s Day but your fucking homework. You have the rest of your life to fall in love, so take some time to learn math while someone’s still teaching it to you for free. Oh, and you know what’s not going to help you land a quality man when you are old enough to be dating? Miley-style booty shorts and public dry-humping. That’s a lie, too. Save that shit for the bedroom. You’re welcome for all the free advice.

December 17, 2009 at 12:45 am by Evil Beet

51Noah Cyrus Is One Sexy Underage Child

Yeah, I just make the headlines like that to get all the pedophile traffic in. Oh, pedo traffic, rain down on me. Let’s work together to turn all your disgusting, freakish Google searches into money for me.

Seriously, though, I’m not especially up in arms about this video of 9-year-old Noah Cyrus singing “Smack That” backstage at one of big sis Miley’s concerts while dancing with a level of sexuality echoed by every fucking pre-teen dance troupe in the country. Like, really, I used to live next door to this four-year-old boy who knew all the lyrics to “Californication” and ran around singing and dancing dirty to it all day long and no one was all like “GASP! THAT CHILD IS A WHORE!” We were just like, “Dude, that’s a cute kid. Who is probably gay.”

Kids today know the lyrics to “Smack That,” because, ya know, it was on the radio forevah. And nine-year-old girls have been doing dance moves like that since their 22-year-old dance teachers have been training them to. And by that I mean since the ’80s. It’s not like she’s peeing on R. Kelly. Ease up, peeps.

December 15, 2009 at 8:21 pm by Evil Beet

32Miley Cyrus is Actually David Lee Roth

Probably one of my favorite things about Miley Cyrus is that she sings pop music, but performs it like she’s in some 80s metal band and if you don’t already know what I mean, check out this concert footage from one of her London shows.

The headbanging and hair swinging and jumping and cries of rage… it’s freakin’ hilarious. Is this something her father taught her? Did she pick this up watching a VH1 Countdown of the 100 Best Hairband Videos Ever or something? I can’t seem to make much sense of it because I’m sure her legions of tween fans would be a lot happier if she was just doing some Britney-esque dance routine complete with 12 anorexic back-up dancers than whatever the hell this is. And wasn’t all that metal/rock music from the 80s just funny because it was super apparent how messed up on booze and drugs most of those dudes were? This chick isn’t even old enough to drink, let alone get as fucked up as you’d need to be to think that looks cool.

I’m pretty sure that at :14 she’s just stretching her hamstrings.

December 15, 2009 at 10:00 am by Molls