We were SO CLOSE to seeing Miley Cyrus‘ nipples. So. Close. It’s going to happen one day, it really is. She’s going to be wearing something ridiculous like, I don’t know, an Iron Maiden t-shirt with the sleeves cut out or some other shirt designed specifically to reveal your boobs in public, and boom, it’s just going to happen. Maybe it’ll be today. Maybe it’ll be tomorrow. Maybe it’ll be a year from now. But you can’t consistently create this much buzz about almost flashing the world without actually flashing the world one day. I firmly believe that.

But really, look at that shirt. She’s got to be trying, right?

In other Miley Cyrus news, the girl, as you know, appeared on The Conversation, and she talked about sex and being sexy:

On sex in the music industry: “[It used to be] if you’re a woman you do not sing about sex, and now, if that’s not what you’re singing about, if that’s not your entire image, you won’t get played. The last season of ['Hannah Montana'] I put out ‘Can’t Be Tamed’ – which, even just the title of that, for a woman to say that she can’t be tamed, and of all people in the world, my face saying I can’t be tamed, when that’s all people really wanted to do – that I think proves how sexist people still really are and judgmental,” she said. “It’s the whole thing of saying ‘be sexy, but our way.”

On talking to your kids about the magic of sex: “The girls that really base how much they’re worth on the sexual favors they can do for somebody, that makes me really sad,” Cyrus said. “It’s the only way we create, and it’s the only way that the world keeps going. So it’s ignorant not to talk to your kids about it or [not] make it seem as magical or cool as it actually is. [Kids] have a TV, so they know what sex is,” she explained. “So educate them and let them know that they wouldn’t be here without it, and that it’s a beautiful thing, and it is magic, and it’s when you connect with somebody. And it isn’t how much you’re worth. Your worth isn’t based on that, your worth is based on how you feel about yourself.”

This happens all the time with Miley. She’ll say something that’s kind of deep and unexpected, and it will be interesting and you’ll think “well, maybe that Miley kid isn’t too bad.” And then she’ll do something that’s so obviously “look at me!” and you’ll think “well, maybe that Miley kid is that bad.” If she’s just doing her own thing, that’s great, and I’m happy for her. But there’s always this big feeling I get from her that she’s just desperate for attention.

Also, she’s not wearing shoes. I know that this a personal issue, but she’s not wearing shoes and she’s running on the street and she’s going to step on a needle and get hepatitis. Hepatitis.

Images courtesy of Limelight

Really though, who was it? Because whoever it was is not a good friend. Whoever called the entire guest list of the Billboard Music Awards and said “hey, just wanted to let you know to be sure to have awful hair, horrible makeup, and/or a really bad dress! Love you, girl!” has a dark, mischievous spirit and needs to be held accountable for all of this.

There was Miley Cyrus, obviously, and her ensemble. Sarah showed you her choices just a little while ago, but you know I can’t just let that be the end of it. Look at that hair, you guys. I know Miley’s a Southern girl, so she was ingrained with that meaningful mantra, “the higher the hair, the closer to God,” but this isn’t the Dixie Stampede or the Grand Ole Opry, and you shouldn’t use your hair to fool yourself.

Then there was Natasha Beddingfield. Girl.

And Justin Bieber wore a wallet chain and two earrings:

But then Katy Perry trumped them all with this mess:

She’s wearing that tragic makeup again, as you can see. And her dress … I don’t even know what to say. Her dress looks like something I would have loved for my Barbies to have worn in 1994. Her dress looks like it would go great with a classic pair of jellies. Which is all to say that her dress looks silly but fun, I suppose. Meanwhile, her makeup …

It’s just not a good situation.

Well, well, well. Look who we have here. It’s little Miley Cyrus wearing what definitely appears to be boyfriend Liam Hemsworth‘s tuxedo jacket. And heels. Really fabulous heels, incidentally.

Miley recently appeared on ‘The Conversation‘, where she talked to host Amanda de Cadenet about her First Major Heartbeak—which was at age fourteen, so you’re aware:

“My dad always said it to me, and I never really listened. I would always sweat the small stuff, and I think it’s ‘this too shall pass. That’s something I so needed to remember, when you’re that young, even now, everything that happens, it’s the end of the world, it’s the end of your world. I had my biggest heartbreak when I was 14 — even though that sounds crazy because I was 14 — but it is. That was what love was to me. I was in love with somebody. I was in love with this person that I thought was perfect, and so amazing and so when you get your heart broken that’s all you see: The rest of my life is ruined because he doesn’t love me back. He doesn’t think I’m pretty, then I’m not pretty. He doesn’t think I’m worth his time, I’m not worth anyone’s time. That kind of thing. So I think just remember that “this too shall pass” and it’s not the end of the world … You got to keep going. It’s generic, but it’s true. It’s a big something to remember.”

The ex-boyfriend in question is none other than Nick Jonas, who went on to date Selena Gomez for a minute, who is now dating Justin Bieber. Selena, that is, not Nick. Although I’d question that if I didn’t know better. All these Disney or whatever kids. I can barely keep them straight anymore.

Anyway, back to the dress—now, I know that we’re accustomed to seeing Miley in various states of semi-undress, ever since she was, like, fifteen or something with those “leaked” photos, but is this dress even appropriate for a nineteen-year-old? Yeah, I realize that nineteen is “legal” and nineteen is “adult,” but damn. She’s really going for broke these days, isn’t she?

From Blind Gossip:

Her career has waned, but this girl isn’t willing to sit back and see other young performers take any headlines away from her. Lots of antics in the past couple of months, each one that should be accompanied by the caption “Hey! Look at ME!”

Significant Other starring in a movie? Upstage him on the red carpet! People talking about how good looking he is? Wear (or don’t wear) something that creates a photo frenzy! He scored another big acting job? Create a rumor that you are in contention for a big TV job! His brother is having a baby? Adopt another pet! Your movie flops? Get another piercing or tattoo! Not cool.

Her hunger for fame and need for constant attention is exhausting everyone, especially her Significant Other. Word is that he is looking for the exit door.

Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus for days.

Her boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth, did The Hunger Games, of course, and she wore that ridiculous outfit to the premiere. Everybody realized how beautiful Liam is, and Miley flashed her vag to the paparazzi. Liam’s career has started blowing up, and Miley almost got that X Factor gig. Liam’s brother, Chris, and his wife just had a little baby girl, and Miley just adopted yet another dog. Nobody liked Miley’s new movie, LOL, and she just got her nose pierced. Did we cover every single thing in that blind item? I believe we did.

Even though I feel like I made a pretty solid case, do you think this blind item means anything other than that Liam is getting sick of Miley’s shenanigans?

I just don’t even know, you guys. Some people would say (not people as in me, because I personally prefer my ladies a bit on the curvy side) that Miley Cyrus has the “ideal” body, so you would think that she’d be doing creative, fun things with the clothes she adorns her body with, so this? I guess it’s really just unexplainable. It defies all reason. Why someone would go out in high-waisted white (!!) short-shorts and a black tube-top looking thing with … with … are they black mini-combat boots? is completely beyond me.

I’ve told you guys before that I’m no pillar of fashion—though I do intend to head out to the outlet stores a few miles away to do some serious shopping today to beef up my summer wardrobe WOO—but even I know bad fashion when I see it. And this, folks, is bad, bad fashion. These damn shorts look like the shorts I wore last night to ride the lawn tractor, and that wasn’t me making a fashion statement. It was me wearing the crappiest damn article of clothing I possibly own in order to use them and abuse them and finally have an excuse to get rid of them, crikey.

Also. Miley! Change your damn hair color. It’s doing freaking nothing for your skin tone, girl. That much I can speak with utter confidence upon. Go red, go blonde, but this waffling in between only makes you look like you dye your own. Badly.

And so cute! I’m not a big Miley fan by nature, but just look at that dress. It’s adorable. I’d love to wear something like that, but because I’ve got this wonderful c-section scar, it looks like my abs have been cut in thirds (well, 2/3 and 1/3, really) and guys, because I’m not Miranda-f-cking-Kerr, I don’t quite have my fighting belly back just yet. Sue me. Give it time.

Anyway, this is Miley, and she’s looking quite svelte. Lots of people are speculating, “Oh! My! Is she losing too much weight?” “Is she drifting into anorexia?” but realistically, I have to go ahead and say no. I mean, for now. I can’t predict what she’s going to look like in three months, especially in light of “Oh my God, is Miley Cutting?”, but right now, right in this moment, she looks cute. See, Miley’s a naturally slender girl. You just have to look at her bone structure to know it. Big shoulder bones, no hips … she’s practically shoulders all the way down to the back of her knees, she’s got so flat an ass. And that’s OK because that’s how she’s just built.

We won’t talk about what’s going on from the neck up, because the hair color’s heinous, the pancake makeup is going to do nothing for those breakouts (trust me on this, girl), and the glasses are all askew, making it look like she’s got a badly-healed broken nose. All in all, if Miley concentrated on working everything that she’s got and started keeping her mouth shut, we might be making some serious progress. Until then, I’m content to admire that fine little dress she’s wearing and hopefully, someday, make it my own.