Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart mocks Gwyneth Paltrow in new magazine spread

gwyneth paltrow martha stewart

Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow don’t really get along, it’s safe to say. While Goopy has shrugged off some of Martha’s less than kind comments about her wannabe status, Martha has now taken it one step further by poking fun at Gwyn’s “conscious uncoupling” from Chris Martin by creating a conscious coupling… of Thanksgiving foods.

conscious coupling

If you can’t read the print, here’s what it says:

Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.

Damn, Martha – shady! I love it.

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Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t care if you and Martha Stewart hate her

gwyneth paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow is basically THE WORST and we all know it – like, literally all of us, including Martha Stewart. In fact, Martha recently laid down some home truths to Gwyn, saying that homegirl needs to stick to acting and stop trying to be some lifestyle/homemaking guru like Martha herself. Gwyneth’s response? The methinks-she-doth-protest-too-much “I don’t really care, I’m just being me” rant, which includes a healthy dose of, “She’s just insecure!” bullshit.

Here’s what she had to say at Fortune’s Most Powerful Women Summit on Tuesday:

First of all, no one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated. I’ll try to recover. [Laughs]

If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I’m so psyched. I really am.

I think that when anybody criticizes anyone, it’s revealing more about where they are in time and space as opposed to where you are in time and space. I think generally we tend to lash out if we’re in a, you know it’s usually a reflection of something else. At this point in my life I don’t take it personally. I see it as a projection. And if there’s ever anything that sticks then I know, “oh, I’m holding this judgment against myself and I need to look at that.” And you know sometimes I learn good things from criticism.

To be fair, I mean, I guess she handled it already. How else can you respond to an ice cold diss like the one Martha laid down? However, to say it’s a “projection” – that Martha Stewart has ANYTHING to be intimidated by when in comparison to Gwyneth Paltrow – is so fucking high and mighty I could smack her. Nice try, Gwyenth.

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Martha Stewart has some “advice” for Gwyneth Paltrow

martha stewart gwyneth paltrow

If there’s one thing we all need to learn in life, it’s this: do not fuck with Martha Stewart. She is not here for anyone’s bullshit. Also, she is not here for your copycat “lifestyle guru” nonsense because she did it first and she does it best, so sit down and stay in your lane. She had to put Blake Lively in her place and now she’s doing it to Gwyneth Paltrow, which is pretty much the best thing EVER (because who among us doesn’t dream of telling Gwyneth Paltrow off?).

From Page Six:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

LOL DAAAAAAAAMN. Martha Stewart is so ice cold… but she’s completely correct. No one is saying (at least I’m not) that a woman has to stick to one thing and can never do anything but the thing she’s known for, but to pretend as if Gwyneth Paltrow has any credibility whatsoever when it comes to telling anyone how to live their lives when she advocates eating 700 calories per day and says she’d rather kill herself than let her kids eat Cup-o-Noodles (FOOL!). I’m Team Martha all the way, on this matter and most others, as it happens.

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Martha Stewart on Blake Lively: ‘Let her try to be like me!’

martha stewart blake lively

Ohhhh shit, Martha Stewart is throwing shade! Blake Lively may have just launched her own lifestyle website, but Martha is not worried about her coming for the homemaker crown and thinks Blake ought to stick to acting because she will never be on her plane of existence. LOVE IT.

From Page Six:

When asked about Lively’s new website, Preserve, Stewart, 72, seemed puzzled as to why the “Gossip Girl” actress would want to be anything like her.

“Let her try,” Stewart told the Huffington Post on Saturday. “I don’t mean that factiously! I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress? I just did a movie yesterday, though — I can’t even tell you about it — but I want to be Blake Lively.”

“Every day I get starstruck by somebody or something,” she continued. “It’s fun to admire and to learn from people who are better at everything than you are, so I have many heroes I worship, Derek Jeter — I can’t play baseball like Derek Jeter! And Beyoncé — I certainly can’t dance and sing like Beyoncé!”

Hilariously, Blake was rambling on to Vogue recently about how great Martha is and how she’s “generous and kind” and whatnot. And I’m sure she is – I don’t think Martha said any of this maliciously, but she does make a good point. What’s with certain actresses feeling the need to become a lifestyle brand unto themselves? What makes Blake Lively (or Gwyneth Paltrow, for instance) qualified to tell you what foods or $300 tea towels you need in your life? Martha may not have started in this industry either, but she at least did the work and knows what she’s talking about.

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Good news, gentlemen: Martha Stewart is looking for a regular “male companion”

martha stewart 3

Martha Stewart has always been a bit of a hot tamale, even if we’re more used to her as the super vanilla eternal grandma who can transform your home to a delicious, craft-filled heaven. Just because she may have made a name for herself among the more straight-laced crowd doesn’t mean she’s not in her sexual prime, and with that in mind, you might be pleased to know that she’s looking for a permanent man friend to share her days with.

From Haute Living New York:

“I’m looking for a partner,” she says matter-of-factly from a test kitchen at her New York headquarters. Surrounded by cast iron pots and pans, fresh herbs, and a bowl of fragrant lemons—her favorite—the 72-year-old business maven seems utterly in her element. Her no-nonsense, stone-faced demeanor has been replaced by a noticeable softness, one that only comes from a place of comfort, and dare we say, vulnerability. “Love will have something to do with it I’m sure,” she continues, a wry smile beginning to form. “I’d love to have a more regular male companion.”

With enviable looks and sharp business acumen, Stewart can surely have her pick of suitors, but the key, she says, is finding someone “appropriate.” “An amenable kind of person,” she clarifies. “There are plenty of people who I could date that would be inappropriate. Married men, for example.”

Oh snap, get it Martha! Frankly, I’m surprised she isn’t already married. She’s a lovely woman and always has been, physically speaking, but more than that, she seems intelligent, she can cook, she’d make your house gorgeous… what else are men after? Beer and sex? I’m sure she’d do some crazy Kama Sutra shit with you and then bring you an artisan ale from a hidden brewery in a magical forest. Get with it, dudes.

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Martha Stewart Has Some Sex Tips For You

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Would you take sex advice from Martha Stewart? Well, would you? If your answer is anything other than “hell no!”, then head on over to her Reddit AMA session, where she doled out some very important advice for those looking to get lucky:

martha stewart

You know, all jokes aside, that’s pretty sound advice. No one likes being self-conscious because you’re dirty and sweaty before the deed, and lord knows you’ll need bath after if you’re doing it right (zing?), so there ya go. Also, dental hygiene is important, so kudos to Martha for promoting it.

The whole thing is golden, so check it out over here. I’ve always liked Martha Stewart and think she’s kind of a bad ass. Plus, she’s crafty as hell (literally and figuratively?), really smart and doesn’t take any shit.

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Kate Bosworth Got Married And Martha Stewart Is Psyched!

kate bosworth michael polish wedding photo

The perpetually skinny as f-ck Kate Bosworth got married this weekend in the middle of nowhere, Montana. She married writer/director Michael Polish. Martha Stewart is totally psyched. She featured their wedding on Martha Stewart Weddings website. This means we get some details about the wedding, like what they gave guests. Spoiler alert: personal cacti!!

mini cactus kate bosworth wedding

And burlap totes containing “locally bottled huckleberry soda” and “a handwritten message from the duo” (Martha Stewart Weddings).

kate bosworth wedding favors tote bags

They were married on a ranch in Montana surrounded by nothing. Their wedding had a “creative director.” It was described as “rustic” with “old-world charm.” Congrats, Kate Bosworth.

WEDDING POST!! LET’S TALK ABOUT WEDDINGS. YOUR WEDDINGS, OTHER PEOPLES’, LET’S JUST TALK THE F-CK OUT OF WEDDINGS!