Holy crow. When I first heard that the book didn’t exactly show Martha in a favorable light, I automatically thought, “What, did she forget the pretty crinoline bows on the Christmas presents that one year,” and “Aw, it must have been terrible growing up with America’s craftiest, homiest mom, word.” But then? I actually read some excerpts from the book, and guys? It totally blew all of my predispositions about Martha’s child-rearing away. From the book Whateverland: Learning to Live Here, written by Martha’s only daughter, Alexis Stewart, and her radio show co-host, Jennifer Koppelman Hutt, the bathroom habits Martha engaged in:

“Mother always peed with the door open. I remember saying, ‘You know, now I have friends over! You can’t do that anymore! It’s gotta stop! My friends’ parents don’t do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It’s exhausting! I’m a kid! Stop!’”

And then on her pet hygiene:

“My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off. For god’s sake! My mother’s dogs piss and shit on her rugs and she’s telling people to take their shoes off?”

Um. Alexis on holidays around the Stewart abode, and how they weren’t what you thought they’d be:

“She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, ‘Now wrap these but don’t look inside. [Halloween wasn't much better.] There were no costumes. There was no anything. We turned off all the lights and pretended we weren’t home.”

Alexis on the culinary queen’s cooking skills:

“There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food … There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind.”

And finally, Martha’s only daughter, her own flesh and blood, says about Martha’s grandparenting preference:

“A woman lived near us when I was little had married someone very wealthy and very unattractive, and my mother actually told me when I was a small child, ‘Now Alexis, if this ever happens, you make sure you have sex with somebody else to have their baby. Don’t have his baby.’ She was very practical about it. It was a survival skill – you have someone rich and ugly who takes care of you, and you have someone who’s hot and makes attractive babies.”

The, um, book comes out October 18th. Are you guys going to read it, or would you rather your high opinion of America’s Domestic Goddess not be tainted any more than it already has been?

Remember a couple years ago when making a list of “25 Things” that no one knew about you was all the Facebook rage? Well, US Weekly has just caught on to that trend and they’re having celebrities share their secrets. Martha Stewart’s list is… hilarious…

1. I tend to keep a light on near my bed when I sleep (about four hours a night) so I can write notes or do work when I wake up.

2. When I travel, I like to bring my own fresh lemons, just in case they don’t have them on the plane.

3. Some of my fondest memories of childhood were sitting at the kitchen table eating white onion sandwiches.

4. I only beat my father at Scrabble once.

5. I just finished writing my 76th book.

6. When I first wake up, before the sun rises, I say hello to all the animals on my farm.

7. I have four horses, 200 chickens, two sheep, three miniature donkeys, five cats, three dogs and 25 red canaries, and I’m a beekeeper.

8. I’m not a big fan of fragrances in anything — that’s why Martha Stewart cleaning products are fragrance-free and color-free.

9. This past Thanksgiving was the first time I didn’t make my own turkey. I went out to a restaurant with my daughter and friends.

10. I love the Yankees.

11. I like baking more than cooking. In fact, I have a new baking series, Martha Bakes, airing on Hallmark Channel in January.

12. When I was a young girl, I helped my brother trap muskrats in Nutley, New Jersey.

13. I recently tracked polar bears on a working vacation in Northern Canada.

14. I have a very dry sense of humor.

15. If I wasn’t doing this for a living, I’d be a teacher or maybe a veterinarian.

16. My favorite home-cooked meal is scrambled eggs.

17. I love Eminem.

18. I paid for my college education by modeling.

19. I am most comfortable in jeans and a work shirt.

20. One person I would love to meet is Barack Obama.

21. I do yoga every day for an hour.

22. I’m perfectly happy with a liverwurst sandwich.

23. I’m a closet tech geek. I’m obsessed with my iPad, my Droid and my new Samsung Tablet.

24. I have over 2,040,000 Twitter followers.

25. I listen to lots of rap music in the studio of The Martha Stewart Show [which airs on Hallmark Channel at 10 A.M.].

First of all, I worship Martha Stewart, so reading little fun facts about her life kind of fills the void of not being her actual Facebook friend. Secondly, Martha loving Eminem comes as no shock to me for some reason. Same with her love of rap music. I can so easily imagine Martha getting down on some thug shit that it actually concerns me.

Yesterday Martha Stewart had a pole dancing instructor on her show and now, of course, there are clips of it everywhere on the Internet. No, she doesn’t freak it or anything, but you will definitely raise an eyebrow when you watch this. Martha knows what she’s doing. She’s done this before. And isn’t that what we love about Martha? She knows she’s kind of like a robot, she knows she’s on the frosty side, but she also knows when she’s being funny. When she says “She got me on the pole!”, it sounds more like she’s mocking them. There’s a undertone of “You bitches think I’m doing this for you, don’t you?” there, for sure. And then she lifts up her leg. Love Martha. She’s gangster for days.

I hope you’re all getting into some debauchery tonight. Like I said earlier, it’s the one night of the year when you can dress like a slut, a freak, or a creep, and people won’t think you’re insane or hold you accountable. It’s just like living in Hollywood.

Celebs are taking advantage of the same opportunity. Katie Couric was spotted sporting this year’s ubiquitous Kate Gosselin costume while the hosts of the Today Show went the Luke & Leia route. Fashion designer Michael Kors dressed in a detailed hippie costume while designer Valentino (above) dressed up as an Oompah Loompah. Oh wait… that’s not a costume.

Would someone please tell me what the hell Martha Stewart and Mickey Rourke are supposed to be? I tried to figure out their costumes, but the best I could come up with was “tree trunk” and “Mickey Rourke.”

Martha Stewart is having a little trouble with one of her employees.  And by “trouble” I mean “getting sued”.

Kiki Paris was a successful sales manager at Body and Soul magazine which is owned by Stewart.  Things all changed in May of 2008 when she was struck by a car.  Her spine and elbow were fractured in multiple places and she had to wear a seven-pound halo on her skull.

Apparently, Martha told Paris to get her lazy ass back to work almost immediately.  Fuck disability time off!  She was also instructed to tell potential advertisers about her injuries to boost sympathy sales.

Can you guess what happened next?  When Kiki couldn’t return to work as quickly as Martha would have liked, she was let go.  Demanding bitch wants money and her job back.  Hey, if you let some metal skull contraption affect your ability to sell some ads, you shouldn’t be working for Martha.  That machine was knitting scarves even when she was in prison.

“It’s pretty sad.  She should have watched it more closely, though. She should have been more careful.”

Martha Stewart, speaking of Jessica Simpson and her coyotenapped Malti-Poo, Daisy.