Would you take sex advice from Martha Stewart? Well, would you? If your answer is anything other than “hell no!”, then head on over to her Reddit AMA session, where she doled out some very important advice for those looking to get lucky:
You know, all jokes aside, that’s pretty sound advice. No one likes being self-conscious because you’re dirty and sweaty before the deed, and lord knows you’ll need bath after if you’re doing it right (zing?), so there ya go. Also, dental hygiene is important, so kudos to Martha for promoting it.
The whole thing is golden, so check it out over here. I’ve always liked Martha Stewart and think she’s kind of a bad ass. Plus, she’s crafty as hell (literally and figuratively?), really smart and doesn’t take any shit.
March 7, 2014 at 5:30 am by Jennifer
The perpetually skinny as f-ck Kate Bosworth got married this weekend in the middle of nowhere, Montana. She married writer/director Michael Polish. Martha Stewart is totally psyched. She featured their wedding on Martha Stewart Weddings website. This means we get some details about the wedding, like what they gave guests. Spoiler alert: personal cacti!!
And burlap totes containing “locally bottled huckleberry soda” and “a handwritten message from the duo” (Martha Stewart Weddings).
They were married on a ranch in Montana surrounded by nothing. Their wedding had a “creative director.” It was described as “rustic” with “old-world charm.” Congrats, Kate Bosworth.
WEDDING POST!! LET’S TALK ABOUT WEDDINGS. YOUR WEDDINGS, OTHER PEOPLES’, LET’S JUST TALK THE F-CK OUT OF WEDDINGS!
September 2, 2013 at 5:30 pm by Catherine St. Ives
Martha Stewart, you MINX! Appearing on Watch What Happens Live, they played a little game called ‘Did Martha Do It?’, where Maggie Gyllenhaal, who was also appearing on the show, answered questions about Martha before Martha herself confirmed whether or not Maggie was correct. Maggie said no to the sexting question, but Martha shook her head, confirming that she indeed had gotten down and dirty via text. LOVE IT.
Andy Cohen was obviously thrilled with this and joked that he was “so glad” to hear it and “that’s who those messages were from the other day”. Uh, LOL. More importantly, though, Martha hinted that she may have had a threesome before! Just what you want to think about – a 71-year-old woman having group sex. Sweet dreams! Love it! I just hope it wasn’t with Donald Trump.
Below, a little clip of Martha’s appearance (though no video yet of the ‘Did Martha Do It?’ game, unfortunately):
July 1, 2013 at 6:30 am by Jennifer
I’m not really sure that an endorsement from Donald Trump on your date-ability is really the best thing you could have if you’re trying to find a nice guy to shack up with on Match.com, but that’s exactly what Martha Stewart got this week. You see, Donald and Martha are old friends and he thinks any guy would be lucky to have her. I’d say! Have you tried her basic pancake recipe? Her buttermilk chocolate cupcakes? Have you felt the softness of her towels? I rest my case.
In any case, instead of sending her a text or an email, Donald decided to take to Access Hollywood Live to wish Martha good luck in her search, which is… sweet or something?
“I know Martha very well… I like Martha a lot,” Trump commented. “She looks fantastic and whoever gets Martha will be very lucky… She’s a very good woman.”
Trump also offered his thoughts on the kind of man who would be a good match for the wealthy and well-to-do Stewart.
“She’s going to need a really confident guy or a man with absolutely no confidence whatsoever,” he joked.
“There’s no in-between, [I] think probably the no confidence would be better.”
Yep, nothing makes a man or woman more attractive that absolutely zero belief in themselves and lots of self-doubt. I can see the cartoon hearts flying out of her ears right now!
In all seriousness, Martha is amazing – it can’t be long now before someone tries to put a ring on it, right? (Good luck on that – Martha ain’t that easy!)
May 11, 2013 at 12:30 pm by Jennifer
Martha Stewart, former criminal (anyone think back on how weird it is that she actually went to jail?) is going to look for love on Match.com — but under a fake name. In an interview on The Today Show with Matt Lauer and chief executive of Match.com Sam Yagan, Lauer asked if she would consider marrying again. Ms. Stewart paused and said, “depends.” When asked what she was looking for on Match Stewart said,
I’d like to have breakfast with somebody. I’d like to go to bed with somebody. You know, sleep with somebody.
They then cut to Lauer, who looked shocked.
The Daily Mail provides more quotes from the Interview. Mr. Yagan, again the chief executive of Match.com, told her,
I think finding a soulmate for you might be a little bit difficult, but I think first dates are easily doable.
Wow, way to rep your site and TOTALLY SAY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT ALL OF YOUR COMMERCIALS CLAIM. You know the Match.com commercials: “This will be ~~an everlasting love~~” plays while
actors couples smile and hold each other and babble things like, “I can’t believe I found my soulmate on a dating site!”
Stewart’s first Match attempt didn’t end well — because she couldn’t even finisht he application.
I tried filling out the application . . . but I started to laugh halfway down the page – it was, like, impossible!
Unlike the Britney Spears online dating rumor, this one seems legit. At this point in her life, Martha Stewart is clearly in a, “F-ck it” mode. GOOD LUCK, GIRL! Let’s hope none of your suitors read your daughter’s book.
April 29, 2013 at 5:30 pm by Catherine St. Ives
Holy crow. When I first heard that the book didn’t exactly show Martha in a favorable light, I automatically thought, “What, did she forget the pretty crinoline bows on the Christmas presents that one year,” and “Aw, it must have been terrible growing up with America’s craftiest, homiest mom, word.” But then? I actually read some excerpts from the book, and guys? It totally blew all of my predispositions about Martha’s child-rearing away. From the book Whateverland: Learning to Live Here, written by Martha’s only daughter, Alexis Stewart, and her radio show co-host, Jennifer Koppelman Hutt, the bathroom habits Martha engaged in:
“Mother always peed with the door open. I remember saying, ‘You know, now I have friends over! You can’t do that anymore! It’s gotta stop! My friends’ parents don’t do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It’s exhausting! I’m a kid! Stop!’”
And then on her pet hygiene:
“My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off. For god’s sake! My mother’s dogs piss and shit on her rugs and she’s telling people to take their shoes off?”
Um. Alexis on holidays around the Stewart abode, and how they weren’t what you thought they’d be:
“She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, ‘Now wrap these but don’t look inside. [Halloween wasn't much better.] There were no costumes. There was no anything. We turned off all the lights and pretended we weren’t home.”
Alexis on the culinary queen’s cooking skills:
“There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food … There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind.”
And finally, Martha’s only daughter, her own flesh and blood, says about Martha’s grandparenting preference:
“A woman lived near us when I was little had married someone very wealthy and very unattractive, and my mother actually told me when I was a small child, ‘Now Alexis, if this ever happens, you make sure you have sex with somebody else to have their baby. Don’t have his baby.’ She was very practical about it. It was a survival skill – you have someone rich and ugly who takes care of you, and you have someone who’s hot and makes attractive babies.”
The, um, book comes out October 18th. Are you guys going to read it, or would you rather your high opinion of America’s Domestic Goddess not be tainted any more than it already has been?