Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Martha Stewart

Justin Bieber got roasted and it was… eh, mediocre

justin bieber roast

Justin Bieber‘s Comedy Central roast won’t air until the end of the month, but these things are pre-taped so it’s already on film and we know plenty of the jokes that will be part of the broadcast. Are they funny? Eh, vaguely. What I’m hoping is that they’ve saved the best stuff for the actual show, because if this is all they’ve got to offer, I think we’re all better off hitting up Netflix or something that night.

Buzzfeed published some of the jokes from the evenings, so here are a few… uh, highlights?

Kevin Hart:

kevin hart justin bieber

“Tonight we’re going to give what his parents and the legal system should have done years ago,” host Kevin Hart said. “We’re going to give this boy an ass-whoopin.’”

“Ebola patients hear about ‘Bieber fever’ and say, ‘I’m gonna go ahead and ride this one out.’”

Jeff Ross:

“Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?”

Ludacris:

“Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.”

Chris D’Elia:

“You have it all. Except love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy.”

Hannibal Buress:

“They say that you roast the ones you love, but I don’t like you at all, man. I’m just here because it’s a real good opportunity for me.”

“Actually you should thank me for participating in this extremely transparent attempt to be more likeable in the public eye. And, I hope it doesn’t work.”

Snoop Dogg:

snoop dogg

“You bought a monkey!” Snoop Dogg said. “I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.”

There are more quotes at the source, but frankly, it seems a bit dire. Bieber made his own speech at the end, as well, which was supposed to be very sincere and heartfelt, I suppose:

“There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old,” he said.

“I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. There were moments I am proud of. And there are moments I am disappointed with myself for. But the things I have done don’t define who I am. I am kind-hearted person who loves people. And through it all, I have lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry.”

“I am looking forward to being someone you can all be proud of,” he said. “Someone close to me once said, ‘It’s how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man.’ I’m excited for that challenge. And I want to say thank you for taking this journey with me.”

Huh. Well, I guess we just have to go with that, even though it’s bullshit.

Can we talk about the most important aspect of this story, though? What the hell is going on with his hair? I mean, it’s so awful. Who told him to do that? He’s obviously trying to grow it out, but to WHAT?

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Gwyneth Paltrow still doesn’t know her place

gwyneth paltrow martha stewart

Gwyneth Paltrow has always thought the sun shines out of her own asshole and clearly still does. She has a lifestyle and a personality that makes every synapse in my brain misfire and I can’t stand her. But even if I did like her, I’d be hard pressed to find a reason to take her side in her ongoing… whatever it is with Martha Stewart. There is no beating Martha Stewart, not when it comes to homemaking/cooking and the like. And most people are smart enough not to try – Blake Lively went there but quickly came to her senses – but Gwyneth, oh… no, Gwyneth thinks she’s a special snowflake and is trying to get one up on Martha’s “Conscious Coupling” spread with her own “Jailbird Cake”, published on the Goop site this week.

gwyneth paltrow jailbird cake

First of all, what is this terrible excuse for a cake and why is it caving in on the sides? I’m surprised Gwyneth let such imperfection go live on her site. Is it supposed to be “quaint” because if you were making this in prison, you wouldn’t be able to get things precise? However, I will say I’m impressed that Gwyn allows you to use a WHOLE TABLESPOON of powdered sugar for this recipe. God, that’ll be her maxed out on carbs for the year!

Oh, and there’s this:

“The folks at goop know how to have some fun, too,” a source close to the goop creator tells PEOPLE. “If Martha served up the appetizer, the Jailbird Cake is just desserts.”

Oh, sit down, Gwyneth. Please. You’re embarrassing yourself.

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Blake Lively And Martha Stewart Are Friends

blake-lively-martha-stewart

Martha Stewart was rumored to have been throwing shade at Blake Lively for trying to “be like her”, but the two appear to be friends, even motorcycle buddies. Or at least, husband Ryan Reynolds and Ms. Stewart are motorcycle buddies. Ms. Lively made an appearance at Ms. Stewart’s Third Annual American Made Summit and discussed how BFF-y they are, saying, (via PEOPLE):

When we met Martha, she was like, ‘I’ll ride motorcycles with you, Ryan.’ That’s the only woman that can creep up on my man and I would be okay with it.

Well that’s just super. I’m sorry, but I am so over Ms. Blake Antebellum America Lively. And so over her website. I much prefer the version where Martha Stewart is throwing shade all over Blake Lively, because, let’s be real, that is way more entertaining than hearing Lively joke about Martha Stewart taking her man and playing nice. Stewart even introduced Lively as her “friend and neighbor.” I hope that’s just for appearance’s sake and she really is annoyed with Blake Lively and her blog, like most of us. Maybe I’m just too grumpy though.

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Martha Stewart mocks Gwyneth Paltrow in new magazine spread

gwyneth paltrow martha stewart

Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow don’t really get along, it’s safe to say. While Goopy has shrugged off some of Martha’s less than kind comments about her wannabe status, Martha has now taken it one step further by poking fun at Gwyn’s “conscious uncoupling” from Chris Martin by creating a conscious coupling… of Thanksgiving foods.

conscious coupling

If you can’t read the print, here’s what it says:

Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.

Damn, Martha – shady! I love it.

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Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t care if you and Martha Stewart hate her

gwyneth paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow is basically THE WORST and we all know it – like, literally all of us, including Martha Stewart. In fact, Martha recently laid down some home truths to Gwyn, saying that homegirl needs to stick to acting and stop trying to be some lifestyle/homemaking guru like Martha herself. Gwyneth’s response? The methinks-she-doth-protest-too-much “I don’t really care, I’m just being me” rant, which includes a healthy dose of, “She’s just insecure!” bullshit.

Here’s what she had to say at Fortune’s Most Powerful Women Summit on Tuesday:

First of all, no one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated. I’ll try to recover. [Laughs]

If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I’m so psyched. I really am.

I think that when anybody criticizes anyone, it’s revealing more about where they are in time and space as opposed to where you are in time and space. I think generally we tend to lash out if we’re in a, you know it’s usually a reflection of something else. At this point in my life I don’t take it personally. I see it as a projection. And if there’s ever anything that sticks then I know, “oh, I’m holding this judgment against myself and I need to look at that.” And you know sometimes I learn good things from criticism.

To be fair, I mean, I guess she handled it already. How else can you respond to an ice cold diss like the one Martha laid down? However, to say it’s a “projection” – that Martha Stewart has ANYTHING to be intimidated by when in comparison to Gwyneth Paltrow – is so fucking high and mighty I could smack her. Nice try, Gwyenth.

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Martha Stewart has some “advice” for Gwyneth Paltrow

martha stewart gwyneth paltrow

If there’s one thing we all need to learn in life, it’s this: do not fuck with Martha Stewart. She is not here for anyone’s bullshit. Also, she is not here for your copycat “lifestyle guru” nonsense because she did it first and she does it best, so sit down and stay in your lane. She had to put Blake Lively in her place and now she’s doing it to Gwyneth Paltrow, which is pretty much the best thing EVER (because who among us doesn’t dream of telling Gwyneth Paltrow off?).

From Page Six:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

LOL DAAAAAAAAMN. Martha Stewart is so ice cold… but she’s completely correct. No one is saying (at least I’m not) that a woman has to stick to one thing and can never do anything but the thing she’s known for, but to pretend as if Gwyneth Paltrow has any credibility whatsoever when it comes to telling anyone how to live their lives when she advocates eating 700 calories per day and says she’d rather kill herself than let her kids eat Cup-o-Noodles (FOOL!). I’m Team Martha all the way, on this matter and most others, as it happens.

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Martha Stewart on Blake Lively: ‘Let her try to be like me!’

martha stewart blake lively

Ohhhh shit, Martha Stewart is throwing shade! Blake Lively may have just launched her own lifestyle website, but Martha is not worried about her coming for the homemaker crown and thinks Blake ought to stick to acting because she will never be on her plane of existence. LOVE IT.

From Page Six:

When asked about Lively’s new website, Preserve, Stewart, 72, seemed puzzled as to why the “Gossip Girl” actress would want to be anything like her.

“Let her try,” Stewart told the Huffington Post on Saturday. “I don’t mean that factiously! I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress? I just did a movie yesterday, though — I can’t even tell you about it — but I want to be Blake Lively.”

“Every day I get starstruck by somebody or something,” she continued. “It’s fun to admire and to learn from people who are better at everything than you are, so I have many heroes I worship, Derek Jeter — I can’t play baseball like Derek Jeter! And Beyoncé — I certainly can’t dance and sing like Beyoncé!”

Hilariously, Blake was rambling on to Vogue recently about how great Martha is and how she’s “generous and kind” and whatnot. And I’m sure she is – I don’t think Martha said any of this maliciously, but she does make a good point. What’s with certain actresses feeling the need to become a lifestyle brand unto themselves? What makes Blake Lively (or Gwyneth Paltrow, for instance) qualified to tell you what foods or $300 tea towels you need in your life? Martha may not have started in this industry either, but she at least did the work and knows what she’s talking about.

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