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Madonna

Quotables: Elton John Sticks It to Madonna

photo of elton john and madonna hate each other pictures

“She’s such a nightmare. Sorry, her career is over. Her tour has been a disaster and it couldn’t happen to a bigger ****. If Madonna had any common sense she would have made a record like Ray of Light and stayed away from the dance stuff and just been a great pop singer and make great pop records, which she does brilliantly. But no, she had to go and prove … she looks like a f***ing fairground stripper. She’s been so horrible to Gaga.”

Ha! In a recent interview, Elton John slammed Madonna for being nothing better than a common “fairground stripper,” which I would guess, in UK-speak, might translate to “cheap, overdone, hasbeen ho with an overblown sense of both entitlement and importance.” At least that’s what *I* want it to mean, so we’re going to go ahead and say it’s that because it fits all too well.

Some of you might be surprised that I’d side with Elton for his nasty little diatribe, but then those of you who would be surprised either haven’t been here long enough to know my feelings on Madonna, or haven’t read any of my forty-plus prior posts regarding Madonna, or the Open Letter, for that matter, and maybe it’s because you think she’s a piece of shit, too. And in either case, that’s OK. Elton did my talking for today on the topic of Madonna, and I couldn’t be more grateful for how spot-on an articulate he was in voicing my very thoughts on this fetid old vampire with beef jerky arms.

An Open Letter to Madonna

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Dear Madonna:

Everyone already hates you. You don’t need to keep doing dumb crap to piss us all off. It’s not making you cute, it’s not making you cutting-edge, and it’s not gaining you any new fans. No, quite the opposite, actually—you’re look silly, bitter, dated, and boring. Oh, and heartless—I heard about your “I’m keeping my guns, y’all” stunt earlier this morning, and I have to say, I’m pretty disappointed. I knew you were pretty much the lowest of pretentious-low, but this just takes the cake. Your selfishness really shone through on that one, girl.

After I’d already had a bad taste in my mouth for you this morning, I then heard that you’re still slagging Lady Gaga off for being a better entertainer, and a better person on the whole. I mean to say, still, that is. You’re *still* doing it. Because even though you’ve done it on the regular over the last few years, it’s become more like every couple of weeks now, and it’s really getting f-cking boring. Your most recent comment in an interview with a Brazilian television show is Exhibit A. Let me refresh your memory. You were asked about your ongoing, virtually one-sided feud with Lady Gaga (i.e., the one thing that’s actually getting you publicity these days, aside from flashing your half-centurion nipples, ass, and gitch), and this is what you said:

“I’m a really big fan of ['Born This Way']. And I’m glad that I could help her [Lady Gaga] write it.”

Bitch, come on. Get over yourself. If you want to let shit get real, then file a lawsuit to the tune of copyright infringement. Do something more than just publicly bullying someone who’s infinitely more talented than you (and that hurts to say, because I am not a Lady Gaga fan). But you won’t. And it’s because you’re a stupid bitch who’s got nothing better to do than sit on a porch like a gossiping-ass funky granny who feels threatened by anyone who might come and take her place in the world as future Queen Funky Grandma.

Do you know how stupid you sound every time you open your mouth these days? How poorly everything you’re doing to stay relevant is being received? Because if you did, well. Then you might actually reconsider continuing a career that was dead a decade ago. But you probably don’t even know because you’re too far up your own ass to care that there is life after Madonna. Really. Ask anyone who’s been around for the last ten years. They know it for sure.

Best,
Another bitch that’s sick of sticking up for Lady Gaga already

Police Asked Madonna to Put Away Her Prop Guns, Madonna Said No

A photo of Madonna

Did you know that guns are a big element of Madonna‘s current tour? If you look through photos or watch videos of her concerts, you can see her wave around her little prop pistols and machine guns. She’s that edgy.

Up until recently, we’ve all just sort of collectively rolled our eyes at Madonna and her silly stunts, but that changed this weekend. She did a show in Scotland over the weekend, and in light of the Denver shootings, officials requested that she leave the guns out of the show. Guess what she said:

Madonna has been criticised after brandishing a hand weapon and machine gun on stage in Edinburgh, just two days after the 12 people were shot dead in a cinema in Denver.

The US singer defied a warning from Lothian and Borders Police not to use the controversial props during her first-ever performance in Scotland.

Critics said the move was particularly insensitive in light of Friday morning’s massacre, the worst US mass shooting since 2009.

“Madonna has obviously developed this as part of her routine, but I think common sense should have been applied this weekend. Given the recent events in Denver and the fact that she was in Scotland – where the Dunblane massacre occurred – better judgement should have been used,” said Shabnum Mustapha, director of Amnesty International Scotland.

You know, I wouldn’t automatically call Madonna as asshole if she’d left the guns in her show. I think it’s an overdone concept, and a poor one to begin with, but if I had seen photos of her doing her thing this weekend in Scotland, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, and I definitely wouldn’t have made any sort of connection between her shitty show and the recent shootings. But the fact that police asked her not to use the guns and she used them anyway? That makes her an asshole. That makes her a disrespectful, arrogant, douchey asshole. Ugh.

And is it just me, or has Madonna become so much more of an insufferable jerk this year?

Lourdes Thinks Madonna Is, Like, So Lame

A photo of Madonna and Lourdes

To be fair, when I was Lourdes‘ age (15, ugh), I thought my mom was so lame, too, mostly because she kept trying to borrow my clothes and because I hated her stupid boyfriend. Time has passed though, and her stupid boyfriend became my awesome stepfather, and while she still tries to borrow my clothes, at least now she’ll let me borrow her jewelry. The point is, even though I thought my mom was the absolute lamest back then, I realize now that she was actually always incredibly wonderful. Probably because she is not Madonna.

Poor Lourdes. I don’t think she’ll ever grow out of the “oh my gosh, mom, you are so embarrassing me” stage, but really, I don’t think she should. Her mom is Madonna. Madonna is that poor girl’s mother. Can you imagine what that must be like to deal with? Put aside all the daydreams about financial security and world travel and all that, and just think about Madonna trying to parent you. It’s enough to make you cringe, isn’t it?

So now that most of us are pretty firmly on Lourdes’ side, let’s talk about this latest reason why she thinks her mom is embarrassing, all right?

From the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:

Madonna’s embarrassed teen daughter Lourdes keeps telling her mom: Knock off your infamous feud with Lady Gaga – it makes you look like a jealous old fool!

“Loudes is 15; a lot closer to Lady Gaga’s age than her mom is… and like most every girl her age, she absolutely adores Gaga,” said a family friend. “It embarrasses her hugely that her mother constantly picks on Gaga. Lourdes, who’s wise beyond her years, knows Madonna’s doing herself more harm than good – and that she’d be better off locking arms than horns with her rival.”

But Madonna’s turning a deaf ear.

“She’s jealous of Gaga’s success since her own latest album didn’t do so well,” said another friend. “And it doesn’t help that many pals have commented that her daughter bears a striking resemblance to Lady Gaga – a comparison Lourdes loves, and her mom hates!”

That Lourdes is wise beyond her years, isn’t she? I really hope this story is true, but I especially hope that Lourdes actually called her mom a “jealous old fool.” That would be the cherry on top of this hilarious sundae.

People Still Despise Madonna’s Show, Surprise Surprise

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From the UK’s Daily Mail:

… Last night hundreds of die-hard Madonna fans abandoned their Queen of Pop by marching out of London’s Hyde Park during her MDNA concert – some branding it the worst they had ever seen.
Even a sexy striptease on stage left fans cold- one simply stated: ‘When Madonna has concerts in her 50s where she strips herself on stage, you know her career is as dead as myspace.’

OK. No big surprise there. Madonna does a shitty show these days. Are you all that surprised, when her current schtick is all about flashing her tits and showing her ass? Because Poland’s got the right idea (not the wasting their hard-earned money on garbage thing)—if it sucks, don’t stick around for it. And comparing Madonna to MySpace? Ugh. Stroke of brilliance, if you ask me.

Love It or Leave It: Madonna’s … LOL FACE!

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You know, I was going to wait and use this as next week’s ‘Caption This‘, but I found it too good to pass up, especially in light of the Madonna-douchebaggery that seems to be so epic and so rampant lately. Honestly. This is it. I don’t even have a story to run with this picture; the photo is it. You know, Madonna, performing something on one of her concert tour stops, and with this face.

I don’t know. I guess we should be counting our blessings and thanking our lucky star that, at the very least, there’s no nipple or asscheek in this picture. You know? Thanking God for small favors?

And now, for the most ridiculous question of all time: what do you guys think of Madonna’s face?

View Results

WATCH THIS: How Do We Feel About Madonna’s New Video for ‘Turn Up the Music’?

I’m telling you right now, that as I write these words, I’ve yet to see this video. But I’m completely and utterly judging it before I do, because I just know that it’s going to be f-cking awful. Madonna, like I’ve said before, hasn’t made a good video since ‘Frozen’, and even *that* was allegedly plagiarized … or didn’t you know? Well, since we’ve been talking about Madonna talking about Lady Gaga ripping off ‘Express Yourself’ for ‘Born This Way’, and talking about Madonna being sued for stealing samples for ‘Vogue’, we’ll talk about how she was sued—and lost—for plagiarism and ‘Frozen’, too!:

Reuters, along with other news agencies, is reporting that Belgian songwriter Salvatore Acquaviva won a plagiarism lawsuit against pop sensation Madonna. In the suit, Acquaviva claimed that the melody from Madonna’s 1998 hit song “Frozen” was lifted from his “Ma Vie Fout L’camp (My Life’s Getting Nowhere)”.

The ruling, which also required stores to remove copies of the song and for broadcasters to stop playing it, did not set any damages but, instead, left those to be negotiated at a later date.

In short, UGH, Madonna. I don’t even want to watch this video. I don’t even have to in order to know it sucks. You guys watch it—tell me what your thoughts are. And if you think the video’s all that bad, then I’ll definitely watch it.