Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Madonna

Quotables: “Nipples Are a Gimmick, Yo.”

photo of madonna pictures photos nipple pics

“You don’t have to show nipples to be interesting. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re cutting edge if you do, right?”

That would be Madonna, Queen of Weird, Exposed Nipples That Make People Die Loud and Slow Deaths, a few years back, talking about the injustice that Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson made us suffer through at the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show:

How quickly we forget that WE’RE BIG FAT HYPOCRITES WHO REVEL IN ATTENTION HOWEVER WE CAN. Even if it does happen to include—gasp!—nipples.

God, Madonna. Could you seriously be any sadder? I honestly don’t think so. The woman’s fifty-three years old, and while that doesn’t mean she’s supposed to stop doing certain things because she’s a certain age and whatever the f-ck else you want to disagree with me about, it does mean that maybe when all of your stunts are categorized under “desperate,” “ridiculous,” “immature,” and “embarrassing,” maybe it’s time to pack your schtick in and leave it in an unlabeled drawer somewhere so people can begin the tedious process of forgetting about it.

I mean, honestly. Is this the legacy that Madonna wants to leave? Because let’s be realistic—I don’t think she’s going to be doing the superstar-touring-thing for the rest of her life, you know. Physical age will catch up to her at some point, and I think it would be best advised that she quit making herself look like an idiot in the final years of her career, or that’s all some people are going to remember her for. You know, like the hip, young crowd she’s trying to pander to who also happens to think that she’s pathetic and weird for all of the MDMA references. God.

Good Morning, And Here Is Madonna’s Nipple

A photo of Madonna

Good morning, friends! How was your night? Did you sleep well? I hope so, because you’re going to need your strength to deal with what I’m about to show you.

Let me just cut to the chase: it’s Madonna‘s nipple. And I know, Madonna’s nipples aren’t as shocking as, say, anyone else’s, but before you go about your other business, let me tell you that these nipples are Madonna’s current nipples. These are the Madonna nipples of today. They’re fresh, new, and in action!

Here’s the video. It’s NSFW, in case you couldn’t tell by the way I said the word “nipples” six times already, and you’ll want to skip ahead to around the 2:52 mark, because that’s when the action starts. If you’re a trooper, I recommend that you keep watching for about a minute after the nipple so you can see Madonna threaten to moon the audience. It’s not sexy or anything, but you can hear someone screaming like they’re dying or passing a kidney stone or something. Seriously, it’s really bizarre. Check it out:

The day can only go up from here!

VIDEO: Madonna Performs Lady Gaga/Madonna Mashup in Israel

In what can be perceived as another dig on Lady Gaga, Madonna performed a mashup of ‘Express Yourself’ and ‘Born This Way’, and ended the song by chanting (OK, singing, but it was more of a chant than anything) “She’s not me/she’s not me/she’s not me/she’s not me,” which makes me think EVEN MOAR that Madonna‘s still pissed off that Lady Gaga‘s the new Queen of Pop (even though it pains me to say that and I have no allegiance to either woman or her music).

Do you guys remember what Madonna had to say earlier in the year about Gaga’s “obsession” with Madonna? If not, I’ll be more than happy to refresh your memories:

“I certainly think she references me a lot in her work. And sometimes I think it’s amusing and flattering and well done. There’s a lot of ways to look at it. I can’t really be annoyed by it…because, obviously, I’ve influenced her. When I heard [Born This Way] on the radio…I said that sounds very familiar. It feels reductive.”

So unsurprising that she’d do something like this, then, right? By the way, in the above interview excerpt, Madonna also goes on to say that we should look up the definition of the word “reductive.” Do you guys know what it means? Here’s just one of the definitions:

Tending to present a subject or problem in a simplified form, esp. one viewed as crude.

What can I say. Madonna’s always calling Lady Gaga a crude rendering in one way or another, and isn’t that just fancy of her. I don’t know. Once a tool, always a tool, right? Who’s with me when I say, “Madonna needs to get on up over herself and move on with her life?”

Quotables: Nicki Minaj Felt Assaulted by Madonna

photo of madonna kissing nicki minaj pictures

“She kissed me but I didn’t kiss her. I wasn’t expecting it and I was shocked. I was shaking, thinking, ‘Is this really happening, why is she doing this?’”

Nicki Minaj on the “famous” Super Bowl kiss from Madonna that I didn’t even realize was happening because I was too wrapped up in the general suckitude that was Madonna’s Super Bowl performance this last time around.

Nicki appeared on the Graham Norton show, where she was asked how she felt about Madonna slithering up to her and laying one on her when she least expected it. Needless to say, Nicki was not pleased, and Madonna clearly didn’t realize that it wasn’t 2003 and Nicki Minaj is no in-her-prime Britney Spears. Also, Madonna is gross.

Now that you mention it, I’m kind of marveling at how Madonna could go ahead and call M.I.A. “teenager” for flipping the bird on national television, when she thought it was totally OK to go ahead and attempt a sexual assault on Nicki Minaj on the damn stage and not fit the whole scheme into that “teenager” box she so valiantly speaks of. Because the last time it was “cool” and “cutting edge” to suck face with a chick just to thrill others or freak them out was back in high school, and last I checked, most people who are in high school are teenagers. In conclusion, it’s nothing short of creepy when it’s someone who can really kind of be your mom.

On the real, I kind of hate you, Madonna, not only because you’re MADONNA ffs, but also because you went and made me talk about Nicki Minaj for the sake of bashing you. It’s a double-edged sword, that one, and I’ve gone and impaled myself on it so it can all just be over already. Thanks.

Madonna’s New Album Is Breaking Records!

A photo of Madonna

“Wow, that’s awesome!” some of you are probably thinking. “What records is she breaking? Probably all of them, huh? She’s probably already won all of next year’s Grammys, and all the MTV music awards and probably those country music awards too, just because! Plus I reckon all twelve songs on the album are going to be in movies this year, and so she’ll probably get twelve Oscar nominations too! At least twelve, more if she finally does a sequel to Swept Away!”

Aww, no, baby birds. That’s not it at all, but you hold on tight to that optimism, all right?

No, what actually happened is that Madonna‘s newest album, MDMA, broke a record for having the biggest drop in sales for its second week. That means that lots of people bought the album when it was released, realized how shitty it was, and then spread the word:

Madonna’s new CD MDNA has crashed and burned, leaving a record-setting failure in its wake.

With numbers still being finalized, it appears that the Material Girl has become immaterial to listeners, evidenced by an 88 percent crash from week one to week two of sales.

The CD sold 359,000 copies when it debuted at the top of the Billboard charts and has now plummeted to 46,000 copies.

And here’s a I-wish-I-hadn’t-said-this quote from her manager, Guy Oseary, issued when things were going well: “People are really digging it,” he claimed about MDNA. “We feel good about the album. It’s her 12th album and the same story she had 30 years ago. That’s an amazing accomplishment.”

Perhaps he should have read some of the reviews, which painted Madonna as out of touch and tired. Said the LA Times: “MDNA more than anything sounds like an album made by someone who’s lost touch with the desires of today’s popular music… the Madonna of today has lost the art of surprise.”

But there’s good news! It looks like that remarkable 88% drop in sales might not be correct after all. The bad news? That’s because Madonna’s album probably didn’t sell all that well in the first place:

Why the steep drop-off?

According to Forbes, the reason is because the “Get Into the Groove” singer and her record label, Interscope, decided to bundle the disc with tickets to her upcoming concert tour—which Billboard includes in its count and which is a nice little loophole allowing an artist to artificially bump up the numbers.

But once her shows sold out and there were no more tickets to buy, MDNA suffered a sharp decline, which means that had she not used the promotional trick, runner-up Lionel Richie would likely have taken the No. 1 spot with his new country duets album, Tuskegee.

Do we need any more proof that Madonna needs to pack it up already and go on home? What about that she has a song called “Give Me All Your Luvin’,” does that work? I thought it might.

Seriously, Madonna Was Never Talking About Drugs, Gosh!

A photo of Madonna

You guys, I am absolutely loving this whole feud between Madonna and Deadmau5. It’s got everything: a typically ignorant celebrity saying something that’s typically ignorant, and a celebrity that I really don’t know that much about steps in and says the obviously right thing. I get a someone new to appreciate and a new reason to mock an ignorant celebrity! What’s not to love?

But you know what’s going on between these two: Madonna showed up at a music festival over the weekend and asked “how many people in this crowd have seen molly,” molly being a another name for ecstasy. Deadmau5 called her out for sending a bad message to the young people in the crowd, and Madonna was all indignant about it because obviously she was referencing a song called “Have You Seen Molly” by that well-known musician, Cedric Gervais, and anyone who’s anyone would get that.

And now Cedric Gervais has decided to step into the conversation. He’s got Madonna’s back, and he’s confirming that he really does have a song called “Have You Seen Molly,” which is all about a girl named Molly! Yep, definitely not even about drugs at all, not even a little bit. If you don’t believe me, you can check out the teaser for the music video:

See? Now don’t we all just feel so dumb? Could it be any clearer that none if this is about drugs in any way? Man, don’t we all just feel like a bunch of dummies now? I mean, the fact that she named her new album MDNA is just a total coincidence, ok? God, some people.

But ok, look. I know a lot of people are wondering what the big deal is, so I’ll tell you what I think the big deal is, ready? Here goes: Madonna is one of the most annoying celebrities that ever happened, and everything that comes out of her mouth is total bullshit. That’s all. Sure, it wasn’t that neat of her to make references to drugs around a young crowd, but to be honest, I really don’t think that crowd would be super influenced by anything Madonna has to say. Regardless, she really needs to get off her pretentious horse and quit pretending to be some hip young happening thing. Maybe then she could actually make some decent music.

Madonna Responds to Deadmau5, is Still a Frigging Moron

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Oh, she’s also completely full of shit, too. Thought you knew.

This was Madonna’s response to Deadmau5′s Facebook blitz yesterday, calling her out for being a f-cking fame troll and for glamorizing drug use in club music lovers. Madonna, if you were unaware, asked the crowd at a music festival, “How many people in this crowd have seen molly?”, which is a reference to the drug ecstasy. Deadmau5 blasted girlfriend for condoning – and promoting – drug use, and this was her random-assed, far-out, wicked hard-to-believe response. Of course.

Deadmau5 responded to the Tweet:

“Fair enough, I was just voicing my concerns as I usually do. +1 respect for clearing it up personally … regardless, just be a little more aware of what you should represent at EDM events, and I’ll watch my mouth.”

To which Madonna, “taking the high road,” said:

“Communication is always best. You should have called me first, we could have cleared it up ‘privately.’ ;) See you on the road.”

And Deadmau5 closed out the conversation by saying:

“well there you have it kids. i’ve said what i needed to say, which ill still stand by, and so did she. life goes on. no more talk of that.”

So more or less, Deadmau5 is no stupid mau5, and knows that Madonna’s completely full of shit and fillers. Much like we all thought to begin with, but you know, sometimes it’s just nice to have other people reinforce your thoughts, no matter how unpopular they can be at times.