Sometimes a bunch of words helps to tell a story. Sometimes an assortment of pictures helps illustrate a point. But sometimes, all you need is a video of two old dudes being awesome and discussing life, love, and the pros and cons of Adele.

I can’t decide if my favorite part is when they listen to “Ms. New Booty” or when they mistake Snooki for “nookie” or when they sing “New York, New York” or when they all wave to the passing car, but I know my least favorite part is that neither of these men is my grandfather.

Really, she can’t. That’s what this whole thing is about. Lindsay Lohan has done so many horrible things to her poor lips that they won’t even shut. These pictures were taken last night, and that’s the first thing I noticed when I saw them. How can she think that those look good? Seriously, check out those pictures where she’s trying to close her mouth. It’s not a great situation.

Other than that, I think Lindsay looks pretty great (for Lindsay). I actually kind of like her dress, and her shoes are kind of cute. But her makeup and hair look a little like what I was into when I was in the sixth grade. It’s the random bobby pin and the glittery white eye shadow, and it takes me right back to my sixth grade dance. I wore this light blue silky shirt and this awful blue skirt, it was 90′s as hell, and yes, I had the bobby pin and the eye shadow. I was 11 though, so I didn’t get to have all the collagen pumped into my lips. Small miracles, I guess.

But this is all just my opinion – except the part about Lindsay not being able to close her mouth, that part is just a fact – so tell me, what do you guys think about Lindsay’s look?

Oh, I’m sorry—you were probably hoping to see these amazing photos with Lindsay looking all sorts of normal and non-cracked-out with her original lips and teeth, weren’t you? Well, guys, I hate to break it to you, but that’s just no longer the reality that we’re working with anymore. Nope, these photos—three of them in total—feature Lindsay Lohan in her Glee appearance, and if these pictures are any indication of how craptastic the cameras are going to be to her in the Liz Taylor movie, then I think we can forget Lindsay ever being “back,” as they say.

Because there’s no coming “back” from this, guys:

There’s just not.

Will you be tuning in to see the f-ckery in motion when the episode airs on May 15th?

From TMZ:

The unlikely duo was spotted out in NYC last night at fancy-schmancy Philippe restaurant — and we’re told this isn’t their first spin on the friendship bicycle.

Sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ … Allen and Lilo have been friends for years now and he’s one of her biggest supporters — never jumping on the judgment bandwagon.

We’re told there are no projects officially on the books right now, BUT sources tell us they’ve been throwing around the idea of Lindsay being in one of Allen’s future films — which would be huge for Lilo, since his last flick, “Midnight in Paris,” won him an Academy Award.

We’re also told Lindsay has nothing but respect for the quadruple Oscar-winning director and would LOVE to work with him.

OK, somebody just kill me now. Woody Allen, coming out in “support” of Lindsay Lohan and her Lifetime-move-role-winning ways? I can’t even stand it. If this nutty little crackhead worms her way into one of Woody Allen‘s up-and-coming films, I just don’t know what I’m going to do with myself.

I mean, honestly, what would he even call it? ‘Midnight Bar Brawls in Paris’? ‘Annie Eightball’? ‘To Rome With Love (and Drugs)’? ‘Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Cocaine But Were Afraid to Ask’? Or hey, maybe she could re-do the old classic, ‘Play It Again, Sam‘. I think I like that last one the best, probably.

Poor Lindsay. It just seems like she can’t please anyone these days! We tell her to stop getting in trouble, and she stops getting in trouble (for a minute), then we tell her to get a job, and she goes ahead and lands several, but none of them are good enough for anybody! You expect her to show up on time and know her lines and be professional? Maybe you should lower your dumb standards for one minute, did you ever think of that?

Not really, of course. At least not when it comes to Lindsay playing Elizabeth Taylor. You can keep being totally dumbfounded about that, because Elizabeth’s people are pretty upset too:

Elizabeth Taylor’s family and friends are furious that Lindsay Lohan has been cast to play the screen goddess in a TV movie, insiders say.

“Liz’s sons, Michael and Chris Wilding, feel there are many other actresses who are far more qualified to play their famous mother,” a family friend told The Enquirer. “They think gorgeous and talented stars such as Cate Blanchett or Emily Blunt should have been short-listed for the role. Liz’s children feel their mom deserved better!”

“Liz was not only a great movie star, but a great philanthropist, and it’s a slap in the face to her memory to have this errant party girl play her,” huffed the family friend. “She’d be screaming bloody murder over this whole fiasco!”

I think Elizabeth’s family and friends have several solid points. I know that this movie is getting a crazy amount of publicity thanks to Lindsay, but still. Elizabeth Taylor was a legend. She was so beautiful, and she did so many amazing things with her life. Did you know that she organized and hosted the very first AIDS fundraiser in 1984? Because she did. Lindsay Lohan, meanwhile, has damaged her former good looks through drugs and booze, and she’s been in jail four times (though mostly for less than a day).

And then there’s the argument that many other actresses are more qualified to play Elizabeth Taylor, which I completely agree with. I think Cate Blanchett and Emily Blunt might be reaching a little – it is a Lifetime movie, after all – but there are definitely actresses who resemble Elizabeth more closely than Lindsay who don’t have such a bad reputation. One of you lovely commenters mentioned that Camilla Belle would be a good choice, and that’s been the best suggestion I’ve heard. Check it out:

That would be good, right? But it doesn’t matter, because Lindsay as Liz is official, even though the physical similarities just aren’t there. May I present this:

And this:

And this:

I hope you’re happy, Lifetime.

Because remember the video I posted yesterday with Samantha Ronson doing all of that singing business? Well apparently, her trip to NYC wasn’t just to appear on the Live! With Kelly show, it was to get away (?) with ex-lady lover, Lindsay. From X17:

After spending Tuesday night cozying up to former flame Samantha Ronson at Le Baron in New York City, Lindsay Lohan was spotted leaving her hotel on Wednesday afternoon in a sexy black ensemble. Someone’s awfully dressed up for a casual day on the town! Think the ladies will reunite again tonight? Given how well things went yesterday, we’re thinking yes!

“Lindsay and Sam were whispering and laughing and they left the club holding hands,” an eyewitness at Le Baron tells X17online exclusively. “They didn’t care who saw them, and they definitely seem to be back on. It was just like the old days — they couldn’t get enough of each other!”

But damn. Is this such a good idea? Because some of the lyrics to Sam’s new song, ‘Summer of Sam’, are … well, this:

I won’t remember/Remember you
June in the city/A night you can’t ruin
I looked down and the glass was empty
One shot left after nine too many
If I’m still standing, I’m still drinking
I steal the bottle, baby, baby

Singing pop songs in the taxi
(Getting f-cked up in the backseat)

Midnight and I’m so tired but/I won’t stay home
Beat down and bruised by your words/but I won’t stay low

Like the moon she pulls the tide, the hour pulls me outside
A friend to hold my hand at night
She masks the past and I’m a child again

St. Mark’s Jack and Karaoke
Sweet Caroline
Drink myself into Double Vision
A Sign of the Times

… Throwin’ up on 26th Street

I mean, Lindsay’s sober now! She’s a recovering alcoholic! That’s just bad news right there! And Sam’s, what, romanticizing their some of their more lurid evenings together? Boy, I sure hope not.

Or, wait, is the song maybe more about Lindsay Lohan as the chick who won’t be remembered? Gosh, I don’t know, guys. There’s definitely something brewing there, and I’m so, so curious to know what. Like, are we going to be seeing some more epic fights in alleys featuring full-blown Lindsay meltdowns and hair-pulling and stress-induced chain smoking?