1Khloe Kardashian Admits What We All Knew: Kim Is Kris Jenner’s Favorite Daughter

They say when you have multiple children that you should (and usually do) love them all equally, though in different ways. I imagine this unspoken rule is null and void, though when one of your kids puts out a sex tape that puts your entire family on the map and manages to pull in more money for you in a week than your other kids do in a year, combined. Such is the case with Kris Jenner and her brood – Khloe, Kim, Kourtney, Kendall, Kylie… and Rob. We like to forget about Rob whenever we can.

Khloe Kardashian appears on the cover of the new issue of Cosmopolitan, and her interview is… vaguely depressing. It’s probably meant to be enlightening, but it’s pretty obvious that momager Kris favours Kim over the other girls. You gotta treat your cash cow right, don’t you?

“I’d never manage my kids. We gang up on Mom and that has to be so hard. Now I’m getting older I feel sorry for her rather than resent her.

“[Once my mom told me] I was gaining weight, but she was talking to me as a manager, like I was ruining a brand deal. It’s hard to understand that and it’s more hurtful when it’s coming from my mom, but Kim is definitely her favorite.

“It doesn’t bother me. They’re so similar – they could be the same person.”

I know it seems like she doth protest too much (and seriously, who WOULDN’T care if your siblings were favoured over you?), but maybe since it’s Kris, Khloe is being honest here. After all, the most attention Kris has ever given her was when she was begging her to take a DNA test to find out whether or not she was actually  a Kardashian or a by-product of her old ass affair. This whole family just needs to stop.

May 1, 2013 at 10:30 am by Jennifer

15Kylie Jenner Is Apparently Dating Jaden Smith, Guys

Kylie Jenner is only 14 – an age at which I was still playing with dolls (I liked doing their hair and I was a late bloomer, OKAY?) – but she’s apparently in a relationship with Will Smith‘s son, Jaden Smith. The pair were spotted going to lunch in London over the weekend, making me wonder if they were two of the underage kids turned away from Justin Bieber‘s circus party.

From US Weekly:

Jaden Smith has been keeping up with Kylie Jenner! The 14-year-old Karate Kid actor recently began romancing the Keeping Up With the Kardashians star, Us Weekly can exclusively reveal. “They’re dating,” says a source. “It’s new, but they’ve been friends forever.”

The young stars were most recently spotted together on a lunch date at Caffe Nero in London’s famous Piccadilly Square on Sunday, March 3. Jaden — who next appears in the movie After Earth, opposite his famous dad Will Smith — was in town to celebrate his pal Justin Bieber’s 19th birthday.

I don’t have any commentary on this. It’s just… whatever.

March 5, 2013 at 2:30 pm by Jennifer

7Look, It’s The Kardashian Kristmas Kard!

Because we all know that it’s not Christmastime until we see how the Kardashians and the Jenners decided to come together for their annual Christmas card.

There’s a couple of interesting things here, I guess. Obviously, Kanye isn’t there, which is extremely upsetting, and also surprising. Don’t they realize how much more press they would get with this is he was on there? There’s not any trouble in Kimye paradise, is there? Heaven forbid Kim lose the latest love of her life, especially when she’s still married to her last one. Can you even imagine?

I guess the only other interesting thing is how much people care about these cards every year. When I was trying to find the best version of this photo, I found dozens and dozens of other blogs and news sites that already got the tip last night, and I don’t get it. And you know I’m not trying to do a big “why do people care about celebrities?” thing, or even a “why do people care about the Kardashians?” thing. People care about them because it’s fun to gossip, duh. But I don’t get why people care so much about these Christmas cards specifically. Is it just so we can speculate about Kim’s love life? Or to see what Bruce Jenner‘s face is up to? Because I can understand that. But otherwise, what’s the appeal?

It’s not Kim’s stupid greased back hair, that’s for sure.

December 18, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily

48Children’s Services Paid A Visit to The Kardashian House

I know it’s hard to remember, what with the constant fame whoring of her older daughters, but Kris Jenner is still the mother of two teenage girls. Kendall Jenner is 16, and little Kylie is 15. Earlier this year, Kris pulled them out of high school so they could get started on making some real money (that actually happened – they both model now, and they’re “homeschooled”), and now, she’s been reported for abuse.

From Radar:

The Los Angeles County of Department of Children and Family Services and cops made a welfare check to Bruce and Kris Jenner’s Calabasas mansion after someone made an anonymous call alleging that their daughters, Kendall and Kylie were in distress, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

“On Friday several sheriff’s deputies from the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department Lost Hills station and social workers from the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services made an unexpected visit to Bruce and Kris Jenner’s house after someone made an anonymous call that their daughters were in danger and in distress,” a law enforcement source told RadarOnline.comexclusively.

“Social workers met with the girls individually and determined that they were fine but out of an abundance of caution, cops and social workers will be making another visit to the house Monday afternoon before they officially close the case. Under California law, anytime a call is made to DCFS alleging that a minor is in danger, whether of physical or emotional abuse, it must be investigated.”

There’s no word yet on how yesterday’s visit went, but you know nothing happened, because Kendall and Kylie aren’t being abused. They’re being pimped: subtle difference.

October 30, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily

2Music and Video to Slit Your Wrists To on This Fine Sunday

Ahem. By the numbers, now, shall we?

:32 (this is going to be a long one, guys). Already I want to kill myself. How am I going to make it through the remaining four-plus minutes? Pack it in and hold on folks.

:41. Good thing Kendall and Kylie Jenner have their MOM to teach them how to dance like little whores on a boat. These two have a long road of fun cut out for them, let me tell you.

:55. Who are the wannabe-Kardashians? And why would anyone WANT to be a Kardashian?

1:11. KIM. PUT YOUR ASS AWAY.

1:18. Scott Disick is officially an embarrassment to all white men ’round the world.

1:22. KIM. WE KNOW IT’S YOU. PUT YOUR ASS AWAY.

1:27. Weird Kardashian brother. Stop pretending that you don’t want to hump Kim’s ass, weird Kardashian brother.

1:33. MY EYES! I’M F-CKING BLIND! BLIND! BLIND!!!!!!!!

2:12. … Still recovering. And only Kim Kardashian would spray tan in the Dominican Republic.

2:27. Told you it was Kim’s ass.

2:40. “Have sex on rugs that’s Persian.” Let me guess: YOU’RE PERSIAN, KIM, AREN’T YOU.

3:15. One of those Jenner girls probably has skin cancer today.

3:16. … And Bruce Jenner was definitely about to slap her ass.

3:22. Wait. Where’s Khloe and Lamar?

3:56. Why can’t this ship just sink?

4:13. Wait. Kourtney’s water just broke? LIARS.

4:17. Kris Jenner is really classy spouting “motherf-cker” all over the place.

And that, guys? Is how you get shit done on a Sunday morning. Dear God.

June 3, 2012 at 8:00 am by Sarah

12Kheck Out the Kardashian’s Klassy Khristmas Kard for Khrist’s Sake, KKKKKKKKK

Ugh. This is bad. This is so, so bad. This is definitely the worst Christmas card the Kardashians have had so far, and I’d know. We ran almost their entire collection here last year around this time.

So here it is. And for all of you lucky bastards out there who just love 3D, and who’re so rich (like the Kardashians) that you have stupid, senseless things around your house like 3D glasses, the shoot was done in 3D, TOO. You should probably play the lottery tonight, you know. This type of serendipity just doesn’t come along that often.

Me, I’m still trying to figure out the theme here. Is it “Have a Bad Photoshop Christmas”? Is it “Let’s pretend Kourtney has even half the ass that Kim does so happy holidays you bastard”? Is it “Ho! Ho! Ho! How ’bout we make Kris Humphries SOOOO JEALOUS that he missed the Christmas card by a few weeks by making the (cottage) cheese stand alone?” I don’t know. Maybe. My guess is that they were going for Marrakesh “classy” this time, but it never fails to amuse me that they confuse “classy” with “klassy,” and really, how appropriate is that?

Images via Celebuzz

December 19, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Sarah