Oh no, not Justin and Selena! They can’t break up! Not after all they’ve been through! How could this be? Does true love even exist anymore? What other tragedies could this week possibly have in store?

All right, now that I’ve gotten my impressive melodramatics out of the way, I can get to letting you guys in on what supposedly happened. Yes, there’s a rumor that Selena dumped Justin, just like there’s been rumors for the past few weeks. First, the story was that Selena had a problem with Justin’s relationship with Chris Brown, but now, it seems like she thinks Justin is just too immature for a serious relationship. And yeah, that’s totally fair reasoning, but Selena, girl, it really took you eight months to get that?

Still, I don’t buy this story completely, not yet. I’m an optimist, goddamnit, and I believe in the miracle of love!

Ever wonder why presidential candidates have to be at least 35 years old? Here’s why.

Eleven-year-old Caroline Gonzalez of Forney, Texas won the title of “mayor-for-a-day”; she used her newfound municipal clout to rename Main Street in honor of Justin Bieber.

“The tween politician’s act won’t cost the community much,” the HuffPo reports. “Officials say the sign was made for about $20 and would only be displayed Tuesday.” Boo! Hiss! Here’s how I figure it: if a town is going to hold a contest to crown a Child Mayor, commit to it! Go all the way! Let the new name stick!

Why yes, I this song does suck, and before you ask, yes, I am biased! Combining two of my most-maligned celebrities into a musical genre that I just don’t get and what do you have? A recipe for disaster, if you ask me.

Plus. Justin Bieber refers to himself as “Shawty Mane,” and if that doesn’t completely turn you off from this song, than I fear that you’re so far gone that there’s just no help for you. At least not here, anyway.

What do you guys think of the song? Moreover, do you like Justin Bieber as “Shawty Mane”?

Ok, just to be totally honest from the get-go here, I’m really just talking about Anthony Kiedis here, the frontman of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I have no idea how the rest of the band feels about Justin Bieber. I hope you can live with that lack of knowledge, and I hope you can forgive me for leading you somewhat astray in that headline.

Anyway, here’s how Anthony Kiedis feels about the lovely Biebz:

“I sat on an airplane recently, coming from Hawaii to Los Angeles, with [producer] Rick Rubin just across the aisle, watching the Justin Bieber movie, ‘Never Say Never.’ I cried twice during that film and I want the world to know that! They were doing this very cheesy giveaway of concert tickets to 16-year-old girls. The cheesiness didn’t matter — it was the reaction of the kids. When you saw those little girls crying deliriously, I lost it.”

All right, let me just throw this theory out there: if Anthony Kiedis cried over Never Say Never, then can we just go ahead and give Justin the Oscar now? Does anyone really need to vote anymore?

See you next year, Justin. Hope you’re ready to sweep all them awards and become America’s sweetheart all over again!

Remember back when we showed you some sweet pictures of Justin and Selena Gomez frolicking along the beach, and it looked like The Biebz had a touch of ink on his ribs? Well, it’s because he did. And so does his dad.

In such a tender and loving display of familial affection, Justin and his dad, Jeremy, both got the Hebrew word for “Jesus” tattoed on their torsos. Because hey, nothing says “fatherly love” like getting the Lord’s name permanently etched on your 17-year-old kid’s flesh, right?

Ok, of course I’m just kidding. Plenty more things say “fatherly love” than that. For instance, getting the Lord’s name permanently etched on your 17-year-old kid’s flesh right before he goes off to sin with his lady. Now that speaks volumes, don’t you think?

“Love is beautiful. It’s hard but so wonderful. You should enjoy it and make sure the person betters you. I’ve been told I keep my heart guarded. My advice is to have fun and to be prepared for anything.”

Selena-girl here has some valid points. Shall we break them down, one by one?

1 – Love is beautiful.
Sure. Sure it is. Ever see The Notebook? OK. Case and point.

2 – It’s hard, but so wonderful.
OK. With you there, too. Not everything is rosy all the time.

3 – You should enjoy it and make sure the person betters you.
Best quip so far. Totally true. I mean, who wants to be in a relationship with a person that sucks, and by the very act of sucking, makes you suck, too?

4 – I’ve been told to keep my heart guarded.
Yeah, but don’t guard it too much or you’ll turn into an ICE QUEEN.

5 – My advice is to have fun and be prepared for anything.
Like … what, surprise babies?

Like I said, girlfriend’s got some valid points. And the might be even more valider* if the world knew she wasn’t knocking boots with a seventeen-year-old boy who punches cakes for fun, you know?

*I know, OK? I KNOW.