Is it me, or does Joe look like he’s trying to head to a happy place in his head while Britney grinds her crusty, leather-clad chode up against the nape of his neck?

This is what happened at Britney’s recent London show, where Joe was a guest star, and later, the victim of her on-stage pole assault. In fact, it was so traumatizing for Joe that it took him hours to recuperate and make an attempt at a half-hearted Tweet “thanking” Britney for her cooties:

What a great night! LONDON! you rule! what a way to end the @britneyspears tour. And.. @britneyspears thanks for the strip tease.. ;)

Yes, thanks. Thanks kind of like, “Thanks for running my foot over with a grocery cart in the cereal aisle, you blind old bitch,” or “Thanks for accidentally telling the boss that my ‘doctor’s appointment’ was actually a spa day, you f*ck.” I get where you’re going with this Joe, and believe me – I feel more than just sympathy for you. I feel embarrassment, too, because your crappy haircut is almost worse than what happened on stage.

Is “penis” an OK word for you guys in the headlines? I mean, I wouldn’t want to get any of you in trouble at work or anything if your boss happened to walk by and it appeared – APPEARED – that you might be investigating the specifics of a Jonas brother‘s wang. I remember how it used to be before I started working from home: the hot, sweaty panic that’d ensue if someone happened by and you just couldn’t close the browser in time. Ugh, hate that. Now that I work from home, however, I only have to worry about my husband walking by and wondering why I’m Googling “Disney star penis sizes.” Generally, though, I have no explanation for it, but whatevs.

Anyway, our friends over at The Dirty have an exclusive insider that supposedly got a lot of information from Demi Lovato about her still-kinda-private breakdown, and no Disney stars were left unscathed.

On the Joe Jonas relationship:

She openly admitted to members and patients in rehab, that she has had sexual intercourse with Joe Jonas and it started since the beginning of Camp Rock. That they would frequently do it and that the Jonas Brothers Purity ring was complete crap. None of the brothers followed that rule and was a “publicity gain” to make fans and more endorsements come in that was enforced by their father who was Demi’s manager. Joe and Demi dated earlier in the beginning of the Camp Rock Rise of Fame but she revealed that he was a “player who was in it for sexual gain” and his penis was “small.”

On punching a member of her staff:

Demi told staff that she had been frequent (sic) partying and had an experience with drugs and that Alex Welch threatened to tell her family, manager and people from Disney; but Demi responded that it was “none of her business” and than physically attacked her which she realized was her breaking point and that she needed help.

On drug use and sharing with her peers:

She was a frequent marijuana user and would “smoke weed with Miley Cyrus”. She also tried Cocaine and Heroin at a party but decided she hated it.

Do I believe it? Mm. Parts, yes. The part about Miley Cyrus being a pothead, definitely. You could see that a mile away. The mole also got their attack details right, but Joe Jonas with a small penis? Let’s be realistic. We all know that it’s KEVIN who’s the eenie weenie short short man out of all the Jonaii.

This video of a Paramount exec calling up Joe Jonas to tell him that he didn’t land the role of Spiderman due to his set of particularly thick thighs has been floating around the ‘nets today, and while I don’t think it’s real (just a very good impression), I can’t help but laugh knowing that this is exactly how such matters are handled in this town.

Well, it’s actually not exactly how they’d be handled. Normally a call like this would go to a manager and then the manager would have to break the news to their client that they’re a little too bottom heavy to make the cut, but the passive-aggressive tone? The semi-ass kissing? The “I’m too busy for this but hey! It’s Joe Jonas!” attitude? Oh, that is SO VERY Hollywood.

Let’s just celebrate the idea that we may have gotten the Gift of Garfield because a certain JoBro hasn’t been doing his squats, okay?

Demi Lovato recently admitted herself to a treatment center for help with her cutting and emotional problems and while everyone is citing a fight with one of her back up dancers as what made Demi realize she needed help, these problems have been going on for some time.

A source close to Joe Jonas, Demi’s last boyfriend, spoke to People and said that the two split because of Demi’s behavior:

…while Joe, 21, was dating Demi, she “was a true teenager in love.” But despite her feelings for the middle Jo Bro, he had to end things because “Demi’s attitude and behavior were out of control.” The report continues on to say that she was “a mess” and “tortured.”

It seems that Joe saw the troubling signs in Demi long before she broke down at the airport. The source also insists that everyone knew about her problems, including her battle with cutting: “‘It wasn’t a secret. She was getting help.”

There’s nothing funny about this, per se, but I would have killed to have been a fly on the wall during one of Joe and Demi’s fights. She’ll be fine. She definitely will. She’s 18 and doesn’t appear to be too into partying (I choose not to believe the reports that homegirl is a cokehead), but I’m sure those fights were some epic teenage drama.

I think I have a sister-crush on Demi Lovato. I think she’s adorable, beautiful, funny, and all-out sweet. All of that Joe Jonas business? Ugh, girl, you are so much better without him, ’cause he’s a tool who only dates women with really strong eyebrows, and you’re perfect just the way you are. Even if you did have some fun, virginal chemistry with him in Camp Rock, you’re better off. You’re going to do some big things, girl.

And about this Camp Rock business … I have to admit: I was a big fan. I’m not normally a Disney-watcher (I’m twenty-seven years old, for fuck’s sake), but I stumbled upon the debut of Camp Rock a few years ago when it first aired and I couldn’t tear my eyes away. No matter how I wanted to flip past the channel, I couldn’t. The only way that I was able to stop the madness was when my husband came home from a golf tournament that night — as soon as I heard the key in the front door, that shit was gone. Could you imagine? How embarrassing. Much to my poorly-executed chagrin, however, he turned into bed early and I was able to resume watching … Camp Rock. Loved it. And it’s become The Day After Tomorrow for me — one of those movies that just has to be watched when it’s on television, regardless of what’s going on that day or night.

Is it one of my favorite movies? Hardly. Would I go out and rent it, or worse, buy it? Fuck to the no. One thing I will say, though: Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam debuts September 3rd at 8 PM ET sometime soon, and I am all about that shit.

I mean, uh, cool for them.

Wow. Sometimes news comes across my desk and it kills me to report it, but that’s my job. It’s not all unicorns and Kardashians over here, you know?

So Joe Jonas and Demi Lovaoto have supposedly broken up, and according to the hamface who got the exclusive, not only did the break up happen over the phone, but Joe had his dad break the news to Demi. That’s right, Joe Jonas had his father break up with his girlfriend. How low is that?

Demi’s not heartbroken over it, though. The source said that Demi got her tears out and is already moving on and exploring her dating options. Damn. Demi Lovato is single and almost legal. Shoot. Her stock is through roof. Your loss, JoJoBro.