“Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich, I didn’t think hard about using the word bitch I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it. Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it. No man will degrade her, or call her names. I’m so focused on your future, the degradation has passed. I wish you wealth, health and insight. Forever young you may pass. Blue Ivy Carter, my angel.”
This is a poem written by new daddy Jay-Z, released just a week after that lovely ‘Glory’ song that was written about his new little girl. He’s on fire with this creativity stuff, huh? Babies are so inspirational, aren’t they? You can tell that this new daddy is completely smitten with his little angel, and I think that’s really sweet.
… But the thing that concerns me, really, is the whole “no man will degrade her, or call her names.” It’s really nice and idealistic to think that, and obviously, as a parent, to wish for that, but it’s kind of concerning that Jay-Z thinks that because he says so, the “bitch” word is going to die and be unceremoniously buried in the Garden of Obsolescence.
I’m glad that Jay sees the error of his ways in referring to women as bitches and hoes and objectifying them in a manner that shows they’re only good for one thing (BLOWJOBS, MOTHERF-CKER), but the damage has been done by him and by others who shared this similar point of view for decades and centuries. And the whole “I curse those that give it”? Isn’t that kind of a spit in the face to the concept of a lesson well-learned? I mean, he could come across as a little more contrite and say, “Yeah, you know, I made a mistake and now I see the error of my ways and I can’t judge others who have made similar mistakes, but hope they see the light, too.” That comment in itself kind of indicates that the only reason he’s not OK with calling dem wimminz bitches and hoes is because he’s got a daughter now, and if he weren’t a new father, well. Things might still be otherwise. I’m just … I don’t know. Still trying to work this one out in my head, I suppose. It’s early. I’ve got all morning to think about Jay-Z.
I guess what I am trying to say, Jay, in my non-eloquent way, is that regardless of who you are, how much money’s in your bank account, or whatever clout you think you have over others – people WILL degrade her and call her names. It’s not pretty, it’s not right, and hopefully that’ll all change one day, but it’s just the way the world is. And your job is to raise that little girl with the best knowledge possible in how to deal with it and build her self-worth and esteem so that no amount of negative words can tear her down.
January 18, 2012 at 6:30 am by Sarah
That little video up there is the newest song from Jay-Z. It was released today, it’s called “Glory,” and it’s all about little Blue Ivy. It even samples the baby crying after delivery. It’s actually kind of sweet! Well, except the line “you’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child,” that’s absolutely embarrassing, but hey! I imagine Jay wrote in a pinch, right?
But wait, what about this little line?
“Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you’d disappear
But nah baby you magic.”
That’s a bit heartbreaking, and it makes me think so much more of Jay and Beyonce that they didn’t, I don’t know, make a video with images of the deceased baby and post it online. But there’s this tiny part of me, this little awful cynic, that’s like “wait, for real?” Because it’s going to be super hard for me to believe anything this couple says from here on out, and I’m sorry if that makes me insensitive, but come on now.
A Brooklyn man claims increased security at Lenox Hill hospital — because of the presence of Beyonce and Jay-Z — kept him from seeing his prematurely born twins … this according to a report.
Neil Coulon tells the NY Daily News he has been repeatedly kept out of the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) by the couple’s security. He also claims his relatives were booted out of the waiting room by bodyguards wearing headsets.
He tells the paper, “Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday — just because they wanted to use the hallway.”
Oh, silly man, how did you not know that Beyonce’s baby is more important than your own? You should have thought things through a little more when you and your partner decided to have babies. This is on you, Neil Coulon. This is all on you.
Meanwhile, a group of new mothers are threatening to sue the hospital for similar reasons:
Sources at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC tell TMZ … the mothers have been gathering at a breastfeeding class at the hospital … and in between latching techniques, they’ve been griping about the way they’ve been treated during the celebrity lockdown.
We’re told the mothers feel they’ve been “neglected” by hospital staff … and now they’re discussing the possibility of filing a lawsuit against LHH.
According to NYDailyNews.com, Bey and Jay-Z dropped $1.3 mil to seal off a private wing of the hospital … with private security roaming all over the place.
Our sources say several mothers have been seen arguing with Bey’s security people … accusing the hired muscle of being “extremely rude.”
Still, we’re told the mothers are not mad at Bey and Jay — directing the blame solely at the people who run the hospital.
One source tells us, “Someone at the hospital should be protecting us patients.”
Does anyone else think that sounds like the plot of a really awesome movie?
One more thing: Beyonce and Jay-Z just released a statement about the birth:
“Hello Hello Baby Blue! We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives.We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support. Beyoncé & Jay-Z.”
So she was born naturally now? Can someone please keep their story straight?
January 9, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Me, I picked Courtney Stodden. Not only is she a true American, as you can see in the classy photo above, but we could trade makeup tips, she could show me where to get cool and stylish arm bands, and I could figure out the best, most tactful way to tell her that none of her shoes fit and it looks gross. Yes, Courtney Stodden would make a fine, fine neighbor.
But you know what? Apparently this real estate blog called Zillow does this survey every year in which they ask people which celebrity they would most like to have as a neighbor and which celebrity would be the absolute worst neighbor. And you know who was named the most desirable neighbor? The person who most people would want to have next door? Tim Tebow. Ugh, can you imagine? How boring. I’d be like “Tim, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, if you’re going to kneel and pray again, do it in your own damn yard.”
Still, good ol’ Tebow managed to bring in 11% of votes. Brad and Angelina weren’t far behind though: they got 10%. Following Brangelina was Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux at 9%, Jennifer Lopez with 6%, Beyonce and Jay-Z with 5%, and for whatever reason, Nancy Grace and Kim Kardashian tied with 4% of the votes. The remainder of the vote was split between “other” and “none of the above,” though I can’t figure out why the survey would have both of those choices.
But what about the survey for the least desirable neighbor? How would that vote turn out? For me, my neighbors in real life have had loud screaming matches that I can hear every word of from my apartment (it’s two couples living in a two bedroom apartment, and one of the dudes has a lady on the side that his lady in the apartment has a pretty good idea about), they do laundry for 40 hours straight (I counted), and they left dog feces wrapped in a napkin in front of our window, and that was just this week! So I can’t really think of any celebrity worse than that, so … wait. Courtney Love sets things on fire in her home. That might be worse.
According to America, however, the cast of Jersey Shore win the highest honors with 28% of voters naming them the worst neighbors. Next is Charlie Sheen with 21%, Lindsay Lohan with 14%, Kim Kardashian with 13%, Nancy Grace and Brad and Angelina are tied at 3%, Anthony Weiner had 2% of votes, and the rest, again, were either “other” or “none of the above.”
But what about you, friends? Is there any celebrity that you think would be a delight to have as a neighbor, or any that would be absolutely horrible? Are you still trying to figure out why any number of people would want to live next to Jennifer Lopez? Because I’m there too. We don’t have to be alone in this.
January 7, 2012 at 6:00 am by Emily
Please just tell me that. Because your very life could depend on it. I know, I know, Beyonce and Jay-Z aren’t photographed together all that often (the photo that you see above is from two years ago), but trust me, they are married. They’re even allegedly having or already had a baby together. Got it? Now remember it.
Because, not to freak you out or anything, because if you forget this vital little piece of celebrity gossip, you could end up stabbed. And shhh, nobody’s trying to scare you! It’s ok! You probably won’t get stabbed for not knowing every single little thing about popular singers and actors! But you might. Because some guy in Ohio actually did get stabbed because he wasn’t aware of the sacred union of Bey and Jay:
A fight over a music video led to a Garfield Heights man being stabbed outside a Parma apartment on New Year Eve.
Det. Marty Compton of the Parma Police Department tells Fox 8 News that Ronald Deaver, 31, of Parma, was arrested and charged with felonious assault for allegedly stabbing a 48-year-old Garfield Heights man following an argument.
Det. Compton says the fight began because the victim did not know that singer Beyonce’s husband is rapper Jay-Z.
An arrest report obtained by Fox 8 News states the alleged stabbing occurred around 11:00 p.m. on December 31, 2011, outside Deaver’s apartment on Broadview Road.
Det. Compton says authorities were called following the stabbing and the victim was taken to a local hospital. He was later transferred to MetroHealth Medical Center where he is currently listed in good condition.
Police attempted to locate Deaver at his apartment, but according to the report, a woman in the residence, Jennifer Fornari, 31, told officers that Deaver no longer lived there.
Deaver was located by police a short time later and Fornari was arrested on an obstructing justice charge.
Ok, so good news: this guy has been arrested. He’s off the streets, so you don’t have to live in fear that the next time you’re walking down the street with a friend who offers up some good gossip that you haven’t heard yet, you’re getting knifed. Bad news: who knows how many other people like this character, this Ronald Deaver, are out there? People take this kind of stuff very seriously, but hey, I guess I don’t need to tell you that now though, huh?
To keep you guys safe when you’re out there in the real world, I’ve compiled a short list of celebrity facts that you might want to memorize, just in case you’re ever in this situation. Read them closely, you guys, and if you ever feel like you’re in danger, don’t be afraid to shout “JUSTIN BIEBER HAS A FOOT FETISH, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.” Who knows, it might save your life.
- Sarah Michelle Gellar used to be a competitive figure skater.
- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley grew up on a farm and used to shoot pheasants and bunny rabbits.
- Scarlett Johansson won an award for having the best boobs in Hollywood.
- Nicolas Cage has severe vertigo.
- Christina Aguilera was drunk when she recorded the album version of “Beautiful.”
- Avril Lavigne once called herself “a Sid Vicious for the new generation.”
- Sarah Jessica Parker acted in a production of The Sound of Music when she was little, along with four of her siblings.
Ok, that’s a start. Just get those in your mind, and stay alert, you guys.
January 5, 2012 at 11:30 am by Emily
So, right. Nothing’s been confirmed, but Twitter’s blowing up all over the place, which is, I’m sure, exactly what Beyonce wants, and of course, whatever makes Beyonce happy sets us free, right? Or is that Christina Aguilera? I don’t know. Who cares. All I know is that there’s this alleged newborn floating around New York City right now bearing the name Tiana May Carter, and she’s masquerading as the offspring of Beyonce and Jay-Z.
And remember how Beyonce’s fetus had its own Twitter account? Has that still been a thing up until now? Yeah. I just checked and it is. It was even tweeting yesterday, talking about getting its hair and makeup did, leaking bits and pieces of information like “It’s getting close” and “looking like a slip ‘n slide in here,” which is way, way more information than I really needed to know about the environment of Beyonce’s surrogate’s vaginal canal, you know? Then you have the classy tweets like “I kick so hard mothaf@**$rs wanna fine me.” That’s cute babyspeak right there, guys. Lastly, this Twitter account only reinforces the fact that Beyonce is full of shit, rather than full of a baby. Check out this tweet here:
“Wait a minute. Hold the phone. I might be popping out earlier than February 2012. You’ll know soon. Very soon.”
Know when it was issued? December 5th. So, what then, does Beyonce have a way premature baby on her hands, or were the best OB’s in the country OFF by eight or more weeks when estimating the kid’s due date? I mean, does that even happen?
Finally. If you believe that Beyonce actually carried this child and birthed this child and (gasp!) breastfed this child, then I have a really great bridge to sell you and, conveniently enough, it’s located not all that far from B and her baby in Brooklyn.
December 30, 2011 at 10:30 am by Sarah
Well, if that fetus is a boy, I’d say there’s a pretty good shot that he’s going to look a little something like that picture above.
A forensic artist named Dr. D’Lynn Waldron made up this little image to show the world what she thinks the male spawn of Beyonce and Jay-Z will look like. Handsome little fella, right? Dr. Waldron imagines that the kid will have “father’s feature’s, mother’s eyes.”
Let’s take this a few steps further, shall we? I think this child will have the artistry and grace of Beyonce with the business sense and … um … another positive quality of Jay-Z. What do you wish for this child?
Image courtesy of TMZ