“There’s not a better job on the planet than judging that fucking karaoke contest. It might be possible, we’ll see. They’d have to pay me a ton of dough because I already make a ton of dough.”

- Howard Stern confirming that there is a chance he could take over Simon’s seat at American Idol.

I know Kelly expressed yesterday that she’s not a huge Stern fan, but me? I LOVE Howard and I think that him becoming a judge on American Idol would be one of the best things to happen to television ever. Remember how crazy things got over at The View when Rosie took over for Meredith Vierra? You stick Howard Stern and his ego next to Ellen and her ego and Randy Jackson and whatever entitlement issues he has from being the only original remaining judge, and you’ve got yourself an explosive combo. Oh yeah, and that other chick judge who is invisible to me. She’ll still be there too. I am totally hoping this happens.

I’m about to toss a turd into your Saturday punch bowl.

Idol producers are reportedly “eager to hire” Howard Stern to take over as resident asshole when Simon Cowell leaves American Idol after this season.

Stern’s $100 million a year contract with Sirius expires next January. As hard as it is to believe he gets paid that much to talk shit on satellite radio, it’s even harder to believe that taking the Idol post would be a step down in the salary brackets; Cowell only got paid $50 million a year.

All of this information is coming via an “inside source” who spoke to the New York Post– so take it with a grain of salt– but it doesn’t sound quite so far-fetched, does it?

Say it ain’t so!

Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange is in the hospital this morning after being discovered last night with nine stab wounds on his body. The comedian known for his big mouth and wild ways was found by his mother in his Hoboken apartment after what appears to be a suicide attempt. One thing that supports the suicide theory is that six of the wounds were not deep enough to do any damage, as if he stabbed himself and chickened out. Three of the wounds were deep, as if he’d just stuck the knife in there. Despite massive blood loss, doctors were able to save Artie and he’s currently recovering.

Artie’s boss took to the air earlier this week to defend his buddy, who has suffered from drug and alcohol addiction in the past and is currently having a rough time. Howard said, “We all have our demons. Artie has given this show tremendous moments of great comedy. He’s a tremendous contributor. He is a good man. Don’t forget how great he is.”

Well, the tragedy of drugs is that anyone could be a user, even “great” guys. It’s a pretty common theme we’ve been seeing here these days. Thankfully I’m just writing up this story instead of a death announcement.

Last night Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky made it official at Le Cirque promising to love, honor and tan together ’til a violated pre-nup do them part.  An over-surgeried 50 something marrying an 18 years his junior model…revolutionary! 

Other wedding highlights:  Sarah Silverman’s ass is a handrest for Jimmy Kimmel, Joan Rivers’ collarbone cracked by massive overload of QVC jewelry, John Stamos can be my Uncle Jesse anytime but only if he’s the perverted kind, Chevy Chase is old and bride raises hand ‘cuz she’s Sure.  Billy Joel continues to be a complete fucking bridge troll and Barbara Walters searches Le Cirque’s parking lot in hopes of locating her lost hairline.

Well, Leo and I are safely in NYC, checked into our gorgeous hotel room in Chelsea, where Leo promptly pooped in front of the bellhop and then knocked his food bowl all over the room. I was like, “Uh, he’s not normally like this …” He was pretty quiet on the plane flight but I think the whole thing has been stressful for him. Maybe he just misses the cats, ha ha!

Anyway I was thrilled to find this clip of Alanis Morissette on Howard Stern. She won’t go so far as to actually talk shit about Ryan Reynolds, but there’s certainly the implication that she thinks he’s a worthless piece of shit. You know, I kind of like how this whole thing has really knocked Alanis down a peg. I was getting really sick of her whole “I’m so spiritual and life is beautiful and don’t you wish you were this spiritual?” act. She admits herself in this interview that the whole thing worked great in philosophy but not so hot in practice. But she’s much easier to listen to in interviews now that she seems to have realized that she’s every bit as human as anybody else.