Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Heidi Montag

R.I.P. The Hills

Best. Lede. Ever.

Not gonna try to top it.

So long, Faci Montage, Rager Pratt, Cokeface McGee, Other Cokeface McGee, Mutilated Ceiling Eyes, Choady Jenner, Justin Bobby Mumblehead and Blow Notworth. Have fun attempting to use cocaine and alcohol to fill the giant hole that not being on TV anymore will leave in your already-tenuous self-esteem. Catch ya on Celebrity Rehab! (No, actually I won’t, because I am fundamentally opposed to that show in so many ways.)

Heidi Montag Pushed Into Surgeries, Wants to Adopt a Kid Now

Now that the antichrist Spencer’s almost completely out of her life, Heidi’s becoming vocal about what she’s done, what she was pushed into and what she wants.

The female half of the ham hoagie (I mean, isn’t that what a Speidi is? Am I wrong here?) supposedly claims to ‘friends’ that the almost-male half coerced her into getting the forty-billion dollars’ worth of plastic surgery, and says that she’s really regretful when she thinks about it. The ‘friends’ of Heidi (I’m still reeling from that informative slap to the head) also claim that she’s contemplating a “make-under,” now that He With the Creepy Flesh-Colored Beard and Magic Crystals is no longer in the picture.

And what else is Heidi’s latest obsession? A desire to adopt a child. Yes, you read that right — Adopt. a child. What the fuck, man. I wouldn’t trust Heidi Montag to babysit my parents’ ninety year-old dog who only sleeps and occasionally assails the surrounding area with a dusty geriatric fart or two.

Really, though. If anyone — anywhere — gives this woman a child to care for, at this point in her misguided, unstable life, I’m jumping ship on life.

Heidi Montag’s Mom Mourning The Spiritual Death Of Her Daughter

Heidi Montag’s mom has been talking to People about the destroyed relationship between her and her daughter and honestly, I can’t blame her. If something came out of your vagina and then twenty-three years later it had a new face, I think you’d be experiencing feelings of loss, too.

According to Heidi’s mom, Darlene, Heidi has refused to speak to her since she and the rest of the family gave her such a hard time regarding her major plastic surgery. Darlene even flew to Los Angeles to try and reconcile with her daughter, but Heidi actually called the police on her. The girl called the police on her own mom!

The loss of her daughter has been as hard as you would imagine it to be.  Darlene told People, “I haven’t slept in months. I had to go get a prescription for sleeping pills just to be able to go to sleep at night to the point that I didn’t even know how I would even make it another day. I’ve been mourning the loss of a child and, yeah, it hurts. It hurts more than I thought it could hurt.”

It’s hard to feel bad for these MTV famewhores, but at the same time, it’s easy to imagine Heidi’s mother’s pain. Can you imagine if you sent your 18 year old daughter to college just outside of San Francisco, and within six months she dropped out, was living with a former Laguna Beach castmember, dating Brody Jenner’s best friend who she would wind up marrying just a year and a half later and then she comes home with a new face? And boobs for days!? I don’t know what kind of reaction Heidi expected from her mother, but I think a mix of shock and horror is the absolute least she could have planned for.

I hope now that Heidi and Spencer are divorcing that Heidi will reconcile with her family. With no friends, no man and no original part of her body still in tact, what does this girl have left?

Heidi Montag Mourns Her Dead Relationship Poolside

Heidi Montag Mourns Her Dead Relationship Poolside

I’ll be the first to admit that I give too much attention to famewhores, but you guys are going to have to meet me in the middle on this one because these photos of Heidi Montag and her “friend” Jen Bunney are effing priceless.

Here’s the backstory: So Heidi and Spencer are “taking a break” from their fake marriage and Heidi during that time Heidi is going to stay with Jen Bunney, who you all probably recognize as Lauren Conrad’s former-BFF from Laguna Beach and the first couple seasons of The Hills. It’s interesting that Jen and Heidi would stick together, but not exactly hard to believe. We can’t forget that Jen and Lauren are no longer friends because Jen hooked up with Brody Jenner right after he’d hooked up with Lauren and the entire thing was facilitated by Lauren’s roommate and other BFF, Heidi.

Cut to today, Heidi’s parked her sad ass in front of Jen’s pool with her dogs and some paparazzi for what she does best: A totally staged photo shoot. And yes, I’m feeding into it by taking the photos from OK and posting them here, but suck it. These are the best photos I’ve seen in forever and they’ll be really hard to top.

  1. Heidi can’t act, so her emotions during this photo set go from “sad” to “sexy” to “devastated” to “check out my ass”. It’s really quite the interesting mix.
  2. Jen Bunney could not look more fucking thrilled to have people paying attention to her again
  3. Heidi, for all the money that she spent on wrecking her face, dresses like Kendra before she got to the Playboy Mansion. Cheap, cheap, cheap. It was $1 Flip Flop Day at Old Navy recently, Heidi. You should have sent your assistant.

Alright, enjoy:

Someone Gave Heidi Montag a Gun

There are just so many things about this video that blow my mind. Where to start?

OK, so apparently Heidi Montag got an audition for Transformers 3 (OK, how???) and in order the prepare for her audition, Heidi went to a shooting range (!!!) and shot guns (!!!!). Like, actual firearms. Somebody gave Heidi Montag a gun and then filmed her using it. If that’s not a sign that gun control’s a problem, I don’t know what is. Sure, the gun was given to her in a controlled environment, but shouldn’t you have to pass some sort of mental health exam before they give you the bullets?

It looks like this isn’t the first time that Heidi’s used a gun, either. She actually maneuvers her way through a shooting course with alarming grace and speed. Perhaps the Colorado native has a history of hunting that we don’t know about?

Either way: Heidi in Transformers 3? Hell no. Heidi with a gun? Hell-er no.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Let Their Dogs Shit All Over Their Home

‘Cause that’s not fucking disgusting or anything. Jaysus. Some might automatically associate celebrity (even the lowest form of celebrity) with cleanliness or godliness or something, but it’s clear that these two don’t have a clue as to how to manage a career, let alone a hygienic home.

According to Life & Style magazine, the power-couple are collectively hardcore “hoarders,” not so unlike Lindsay Lohan, but instead of hoarding unused expensive shit, they hoard dog shit. And Spencer forces Heidi to clean it up:

The insider shares frightening never-before-seen photos of their actual home far from Hollywood in LA’s Pacific Palisades area. The kitchen and living room are filled with Spencer’s crystals, stacks of his screenplays and junk everywhere. “Their four dogs aren’t housebroken,” an insider tells Life & Style. “They go to the bathroom all over the house. Heidi is sometimes near tears at the dogs’ mess, but Spencer just orders her to pick it up.”

Heidi’s probably used to picking shit up, as it were. Spencer seems rather rabbit-like in his appearance and we all know how those fuckers just drop shit behind them after every sudden movement they happen to make.

Dude, I’ve met people like this. They walk the walk, they talk the talk and wear (and buy) the nicest stuff. You’d think they’ve got it all together, but in reality, they’re a dead mess. Their countertops are stacked with week-old dirty dishes, there’s empty food containers shoved under the sofa and all they have in the fridge is old soy sauce packages — maybe a few duck sauces if they’re lucky. Laundry’s left in piles that one can only decipher clean from dirty by taking a deep whiff of the fabric. Gross, man. Just gross.

I know these two don’t have two brain cells to rub together (and could you imagine the nuclear fallout if they did?), but come on. It’s not so hard to understand that when things start to stink, they should be thrown away.

Spence, you’re going to make some big bucks off of your newest protege, Slimy Salami or whatever Snooki’s ex’s name is, hire a damned maid or something.

Guess Who Wants Even Bigger Tits?

The unoriginal Tits McGee herself, Heidi Montag.

Husband Spencer Pratt speaks to Life & Style magazine and claims that a combination of Heidi’s drive for an uber-plastic bod and comments from Ryan Seacrest stating that Heidi’s jugs weren’t all that big have driven her to upgrade. Again.

“When Heidi entered the studio [to be interviewed], Ryan told her that her breasts didn’t look that big to him … She was taken aback. She came home in shock.”

But Heidi’s spokes-ass doesn’t stop there. He claims that while Seacrest played a part in the destruction of his wife’s … uh, ego, she’d been unhappy with the way her boobs came out from the get-go:

“When Heidi woke up from the anesthesia [last time], she was angry [her breasts] weren’t bigger. She said she wanted to punch the doctor in the face. I try to stop her. She’ll do what she wants with her body.”

With absolutely no encouragement from you, Doctor Frankenstein, am I right?

Oh, and her latest surgery might actually debut on television this time. Spencer Insiders state that Heidi and Spencer want to televise the breast augmentation on TV and hope that E! or Oxygen might pick up what is sure to turn into a blockbuster show. Like “Fist Pumping For Love.”