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Heidi Montag

3Quotables

I want every kind of press,” he says. “She [Heidi] believes in bad press. There’s no way my love for fame and her love for puppies will ever work out successfully. She just wants to hike and hang out and be calmer.”

Spencer Pratt, way more psycho and ego-centric than anyone ever guessed, on the topic of his and Heidi’s impending divorce. You picked a winner, Heidi. Next time, play it safe and stick to your nose.

July 19, 2010 at 6:32 am by Sarah

8R.I.P. The Hills

Best. Lede. Ever.

Not gonna try to top it.

So long, Faci Montage, Rager Pratt, Cokeface McGee, Other Cokeface McGee, Mutilated Ceiling Eyes, Choady Jenner, Justin Bobby Mumblehead and Blow Notworth. Have fun attempting to use cocaine and alcohol to fill the giant hole that not being on TV anymore will leave in your already-tenuous self-esteem. Catch ya on Celebrity Rehab! (No, actually I won’t, because I am fundamentally opposed to that show in so many ways.)

July 13, 2010 at 9:36 pm by Evil Beet

2Heidi Montag Pushed Into Surgeries, Wants to Adopt a Kid Now

Now that the antichrist Spencer’s almost completely out of her life, Heidi’s becoming vocal about what she’s done, what she was pushed into and what she wants.

The female half of the ham hoagie (I mean, isn’t that what a Speidi is? Am I wrong here?) supposedly claims to ‘friends’ that the almost-male half coerced her into getting the forty-billion dollars’ worth of plastic surgery, and says that she’s really regretful when she thinks about it. The ‘friends’ of Heidi (I’m still reeling from that informative slap to the head) also claim that she’s contemplating a “make-under,” now that He With the Creepy Flesh-Colored Beard and Magic Crystals is no longer in the picture.

And what else is Heidi’s latest obsession? A desire to adopt a child. Yes, you read that right — Adopt. a child. What the fuck, man. I wouldn’t trust Heidi Montag to babysit my parents’ ninety year-old dog who only sleeps and occasionally assails the surrounding area with a dusty geriatric fart or two.

Really, though. If anyone — anywhere — gives this woman a child to care for, at this point in her misguided, unstable life, I’m jumping ship on life.

July 9, 2010 at 6:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Heidi Montag

19Heidi Montag’s Mom Mourning The Spiritual Death Of Her Daughter

Heidi Montag’s mom has been talking to People about the destroyed relationship between her and her daughter and honestly, I can’t blame her. If something came out of your vagina and then twenty-three years later it had a new face, I think you’d be experiencing feelings of loss, too.

According to Heidi’s mom, Darlene, Heidi has refused to speak to her since she and the rest of the family gave her such a hard time regarding her major plastic surgery. Darlene even flew to Los Angeles to try and reconcile with her daughter, but Heidi actually called the police on her. The girl called the police on her own mom!

The loss of her daughter has been as hard as you would imagine it to be.  Darlene told People, “I haven’t slept in months. I had to go get a prescription for sleeping pills just to be able to go to sleep at night to the point that I didn’t even know how I would even make it another day. I’ve been mourning the loss of a child and, yeah, it hurts. It hurts more than I thought it could hurt.”

It’s hard to feel bad for these MTV famewhores, but at the same time, it’s easy to imagine Heidi’s mother’s pain. Can you imagine if you sent your 18 year old daughter to college just outside of San Francisco, and within six months she dropped out, was living with a former Laguna Beach castmember, dating Brody Jenner’s best friend who she would wind up marrying just a year and a half later and then she comes home with a new face? And boobs for days!? I don’t know what kind of reaction Heidi expected from her mother, but I think a mix of shock and horror is the absolute least she could have planned for.

I hope now that Heidi and Spencer are divorcing that Heidi will reconcile with her family. With no friends, no man and no original part of her body still in tact, what does this girl have left?

July 6, 2010 at 12:30 pm by Molls

43Heidi Montag Mourns Her Dead Relationship Poolside

Heidi Montag Mourns Her Dead Relationship Poolside

I’ll be the first to admit that I give too much attention to famewhores, but you guys are going to have to meet me in the middle on this one because these photos of Heidi Montag and her “friend” Jen Bunney are effing priceless.

Here’s the backstory: So Heidi and Spencer are “taking a break” from their fake marriage and Heidi during that time Heidi is going to stay with Jen Bunney, who you all probably recognize as Lauren Conrad’s former-BFF from Laguna Beach and the first couple seasons of The Hills. It’s interesting that Jen and Heidi would stick together, but not exactly hard to believe. We can’t forget that Jen and Lauren are no longer friends because Jen hooked up with Brody Jenner right after he’d hooked up with Lauren and the entire thing was facilitated by Lauren’s roommate and other BFF, Heidi.

Cut to today, Heidi’s parked her sad ass in front of Jen’s pool with her dogs and some paparazzi for what she does best: A totally staged photo shoot. And yes, I’m feeding into it by taking the photos from OK and posting them here, but suck it. These are the best photos I’ve seen in forever and they’ll be really hard to top.

  1. Heidi can’t act, so her emotions during this photo set go from “sad” to “sexy” to “devastated” to “check out my ass”. It’s really quite the interesting mix.
  2. Jen Bunney could not look more fucking thrilled to have people paying attention to her again
  3. Heidi, for all the money that she spent on wrecking her face, dresses like Kendra before she got to the Playboy Mansion. Cheap, cheap, cheap. It was $1 Flip Flop Day at Old Navy recently, Heidi. You should have sent your assistant.

Alright, enjoy:

June 2, 2010 at 3:00 pm by Molls
Filed Under: Heidi Montag, The Hills

10Someone Gave Heidi Montag a Gun

There are just so many things about this video that blow my mind. Where to start?

OK, so apparently Heidi Montag got an audition for Transformers 3 (OK, how???) and in order the prepare for her audition, Heidi went to a shooting range (!!!) and shot guns (!!!!). Like, actual firearms. Somebody gave Heidi Montag a gun and then filmed her using it. If that’s not a sign that gun control’s a problem, I don’t know what is. Sure, the gun was given to her in a controlled environment, but shouldn’t you have to pass some sort of mental health exam before they give you the bullets?

It looks like this isn’t the first time that Heidi’s used a gun, either. She actually maneuvers her way through a shooting course with alarming grace and speed. Perhaps the Colorado native has a history of hunting that we don’t know about?

Either way: Heidi in Transformers 3? Hell no. Heidi with a gun? Hell-er no.

May 27, 2010 at 2:00 pm by Molls