Harrison Ford—the original space maverick—visited “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” last night to promote Cowboys & Aliens.

Below, a video of the episode’s “cold open”; in it, someone from Harrison’s past suddenly materializes, anxious to cash in on a few old favors. (Harrison’s overzealousness is kind of alarming, but at least he is committed, and anyway, the whole thing was directed by Jon Favreau.)

Laugh it up, fuzzballs.

Who broke up a marriage? Which pop tart is getting back into acting? And whose scar is penance for his cheating ways? None of the answers are inside, because it’s time for More! Blind!! Items!!!

Put on your Thinking Gloves and talk to me in the comments downstairs.

Here’s an especially juicy scandal:

What Oscar-winning actor is already being blasted as a deadbeat dad BEFORE his baby’s even born?! The brooding actor hasn’t ponied up for his baby mama’s prenatal care because he’s been too busy romancing a hot new gal!

The Internet already has this narrowed down to either Benicio del Toro or Sean Penn. Good work, Internet! Which is it?

(more…)

Harrison Ford married his long-term girlfriend Calista Flockhart yesterday in a ceremony at the Governor’s Mansion in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  Ford is currently shooting Cowboys and Aliens there.  And the movie?  Sounds … just great.

When I was a little girl, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was just about my favorite movie ever. I wanted to marry “Indy.” And due to recent events, I can definitely say, in retrospect, that my little girl-self would be rolling over in her pink Jem pajamas to find out that he married Calista Flockhart, the actress formerly known as Skeletor.

While Calista looks beautiful and attractive these days, I can’t help but always be reminded of her crazy-skinny years, where the mere idea of sex with Indy Ford could result in a trip to the hospital for a broken clavicle. Or something.

Congrats to the happy couple!

Insert obligatory joke about his oldness and her weight.

There are times when you think someone famous has died. Then they show up on some late night talk show and turn your entire worldview on its head with their disturbing refusal to die. I’m not naming names, but Martin Landau, I’m lookin at you. Or rather, kind of in your direction and to the side of you because your face is scary.

And then there are times when a celebrity couple announces their engagement and you say, “I thought they were already married. For like, six years now.”

And that’s exactly what I said when I read the official announcement that Harrison Ford popped the question to girlfriend of 7 years Calista Flockhart over Valentine’s Day weekend. Congratulations. Everyone already thought you were married.

Next week I’ll be announcing that I’ve been born.

It’s been rumored many times, but this time may be different.  Could Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford finally be getting married?  According to talk in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, the couple have obtained a blood test and a marriage license.  That would mean they’ve got thirty days to seal the deal in the town where they own a 800-acre ranch.

The couple have already accomplished the gargantuan feat of staying together for seven years.  I don’t understand why they want to doom it by getting married.  I’m such a romantic.

Calista Flockhart showed up with Harrison Ford at a fundraiser in Laguna Beach looking like she just climbed out of her coffin.

She’s 43 years old now, but she looks more like 60!

Is she trying to make Harrison Ford feel better about his age?