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Gwyneth Paltrow

1Today’s Funny Twitter Twit

photo of gwyneth paltrow and lenny kravitz twitter pictures photos pics

The photo’s caption, yanked from Lenny’s Twitter?:

“The only person in the world that calls me Leonard.”

LOL. Of course it’d be her. And what, pray tell, do you think they’re drinking? And what are they drinking? Is that another bottle of fine, aged, gilded angel piss to delicately imbibe upon? If it is, Lenny, you better put your pinky up, bitch. I’m flat-out scared for you if you don’t.

September 21, 2011 at 6:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

2Quotables: Gwyneth Paltrow Talks About Cheating and Being Judgey

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

“I am a great romantic – but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist. Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed – we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge. That’s their problem but I really think that the more I live my life the more I learn not to judge people for what they do. I think we’re all trying our best but life is complicated.”

- Gwyneth Paltrow continues her tour of talking nonsense.

Really, you guys, do you get what Gwyneth is doing here? She’s judging people for being judgey, and then she reminds us that she’s still better than us, this time because she doesn’t think cheating on your spouse is all that bad. It’s almost too much, it really is.

September 8, 2011 at 4:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

0Quotables: Gwyneth Paltrow Likes Seizures, Slams Men

photo of gwyneth paltrow hot pictures photos pics

“I liked all that gory stuff. For the seizure scene, I had to bite on a little Alka-Seltzer and foam at the mouth. It was fun. … If death by virus was a punishment for extra-marital affairs there would only be three dudes left in this world right now. Maybe less, because we’re in Italy.”

The seizure bit is all relative to her new movie, Contagion, and the cheating-dude comment came up when an interviewer asked her if the virus was punishment for being an unfaithful wife (I guess her character cheats on her husband, who’s played by the very lucky Matt Damon this time around). I’m assuming that the only three faithful men she’s speaking of include her husband, Chris Martin, and two other guys that she dated exclusively, because BITCH PLEASE, who in their right mind would ever, ever cheat on the not-at-all ridiculous Gwyneth Paltrow?

September 5, 2011 at 7:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

2Quotables: Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks Botox is “Vain”

photo of gwyneth paltrow singing and being pretentious pictures photos

“… I still refuse to use silicone, Botox or other of those gimmicks … [It's] pure vanity. But a breast correction after breast feeding — why not? There’s actually nothing else to restore the original condition, isn’t there?”

So what Gwynnie‘s telling you guys is that it’s OK if you want some shady doctor to slice your bewbs open like filet of chicken and stuff extra-tough water balloons in the bloody, gaping hole that’s left, but it’s vanity – total vanity, bitches – to have a needle stuck in the middle of your forehead.

I’m not saying that there is no other reconstruction for boobs available after breastfeeding, but endorsing one thing and blasting something so similar that it’s almost laughable? Is just … Well, it’s typical Gwyneth, I guess.

Dear Lord, is there no end to the madness?

August 16, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

13Gwyneth Paltrow Does Elle, Deserves A Punch in The Face

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh hey, everybody! Did you happen to hear that I despise Gwyneth Paltrow? Because I do. I think she’s the most pretentious person, and every single thing she says makes me want to vomit in a jar and then ship it to her home so she can have a nice jar of old vomit, and if that makes me juvenile or gross, then that’s just fine, because she’s done far worse to me.

Anyway, Gwyneth just did Elle, and I wanted to share with you some of her ridiculous quotes:

On her Grammy performance: “Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”

On her BFF Beyonce: “Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go … in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”

On being an inspiration: “What I love is inspiring people. People come up to me and say, ‘I want to have two kids and wear a bathing suit and not feel terrible about myself. I see how hard you work and it makes me feel like I can do that too.’”

On being “so funny”: “If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then…Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”

On Paris: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some… restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”

On her relationship with Chris Martin: “Sometimes it’s hard being with someone for a long time. We go through periods that aren’t all rosy. I always say, life is long and you never know what’s going to happen. If, God forbid, we were ever not to be together, I respect him so much as the father of my children. Like, I made such a good choice. He’s such a good dad. You can never be relaxed or smug and think, I’ve got this thing. That’s also part of it—keeping yourself on your toes. I’m not going to take this for granted.”

Ugh. I loathe her. Who’s with me?

August 4, 2011 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

17Quotables: Gwyneth Paltrow Is The Most Ridiculous Person

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

“I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can.”

-Gwyneth Paltrow being the most pretentious person.

I just can’t right now, you guys. I dislike Gwyneth so strongly, and it’s so early in the morning, and I just don’t have it in me right now to rip her to shreds like I really, really want to. If you could just pick this one up for me, I’d appreciate it so much.

July 9, 2011 at 8:00 am by Emily
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow