Normally I wouldn’t give two shits about Gwyneth Patrow and her pretentious ass walking around New York City looking like a pretentious ass, but I saw these photos today and they gave me pause. You know why? Because last night I watched a movie that I never really thought I’d end up seeing, and it was honestly pretty good. Know what it was? Country Strong. It was GOOD, guys. Have any of you seen it? Generally, I’m a sucker for cheesy-ass movies, but I won’t see them ’til at least eighteen months after they’re “new,” and this was no exception. I remember writing about Country Strong a year and a half ago, saying that it looked really awful and really cheesy, but really good at the same time, and that I’d inevitably end up seeing it. And I did! It’s so funny how things work out sometimes.
I do realize that the movie’s pretty old already by modern standards, but I wanted to talk about it for a second. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie already, I’m going to tell you right now: spoiler. Huge spoiler. Ready? Here comes the spoiler! Gwyneth Paltrow—or Kelly Canter, in the film—kills herself. Kills herself. Total surprise right there.
You begin the movie kind of empathizing with her while she’s in rehab for alcoholism, and when she’s checked out too soon and forced back onto the touring circuit by her douchebag husband (who you end up empathizing with later on in the movie, oddly enough, because he’s just a sad old man), she relapses one, two, three times, and blows two shows, and then you’re like, “Ugh, this dumb bitch is just like Lindsay Lohan. I have no hope for her.” Then, later on, she gets seedy seedy seedy, and ends up pole dancing at a dive bar and f-cking her grody tour manager because she doesn’t want her last show to be cancelled. That’s when you start pitying her. And when you find out that she was in rehab because the prior year she’d taken a ten-foot tumble off-stage while five months pregnant and wasted, you’re kind of appalled and piteous and maybe a little sympathetic, too. She blows her last show out of the water, people think she’s “healed,” and then she goes and locks herself in her dressing room and OD’s on pills. She dies. Mindf-ck.
There’re other, more secondary storylines going on that involve Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester and love and not making the same grand mistakes that Gwyneth’s character did and blah blah blah, but guys! I don’t know. I’m still floored by the fact that after all that, she kills herself.
Anyway. Here’s the other photo of the Jerry Seinfeld lookalike checking Gwyneth out in NYC. Enjoy.
April 26, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah
I need your help. In exchange for not April Foolin’ you guys, I need you to help me review this story and figure out whether or not it’s a joke. That’s fair, right?
The story is actually an article supposedly written by Gwyneth Paltrow for L.A. Weekly. In the article, she gives a recipe for quail egg pasta with black truffles, “a quick fix for busy moms everywhere.” The recipe requires lots of fancy ingredients, such as a black truffle that, if you can’t find locally, you can order online for a little over four hundred dollars (Gwyneth calls it “a little exy but so worth it”). She goes on with her special brand of pretentiousness and failed humor, and for the most part, I can really believe her saying it. But some parts are pretty out there, like when she mentions her children taking classes like “Microbiotics in the 18th Century” and “Beekeeping for Urban Babies.” Even then though, I really don’t think it’s completely impossible that this is real.
Check it out for yourself, then let me know, ok?
My close friend and confidant Victoria Beckham and I were just discussing over brunch how stressful it is being busy moms in heels. It’s insane. Between reading emails, making vision boards with Isabel Marant, and researching the most effective psyllium husk, there’s very little time to whip together a quick, healthy, committed and tolerant weekday night dinner for your family.
So I created this recipe for a yummy Quail Egg Pasta that is so truly amazing and entirely original but most importantly: a quick fix for busy moms everywhere.
April 1, 2012 at 12:00 pm by Emily
To be fair to Gwyneth, if I was an A list actress trying to decide what to wear to the Oscars, you’d better believe that a cape would be considered. Especially if I’d been to as many award ceremonies as Gwyneth has. I think the first few times, I would do my best to pick something really elegant and classy, some timeless dress that might not really be a jaw-dropper but would be gorgeous nonetheless. Then I’d start easing into the crazy. A ballgown made entirely of tulle and sequins? Yes, please! A nice, simple A-line that I spent six months bedazzling? It would only be natural! Yeah, a cape wouldn’t be so outlandish then.
But let’s be real, I’m not in this business to be fair. I’m in this business to talk trash about Gwyneth Paltrow, plain and simple, and with that in mind, I’ll say this: what’s up with the dumb cape, Gwyneth? Did you fly on in to save the mortals from themselves?
“I tried on one dress. That was the dress and I thought, ‘it’s a little different but it’s sort of a throwback,’ ” Paltrow said during a taping of The Chew on Thursday. “I saw a pic of Jackie O in a white dress with a cape and it’s been a while since anyone’s worn a cape, frankly, except for Superman.”
The look she’s possibly referring to was then First Lady Jackie Kennedy, who designed her white ensemble herself for husband John F. Kennedy’s inaugural ball in 1961.
Paltrow concedes, though, that the cape was all Tom Ford’s idea – and daughter Apple did have a say, too. “My daughter loves a fashion moment,” said Paltrow. “She weighs in very heavily.”
Goddamnit, Gwyneth. Don’t you realize that I can’t possibly trash anyone’s clothes after they say that their child picked them out? Really, if my best friend (who has a child for this scenario) moseyed on over to my apartment in faded Christina Aguilera leggings, flip flops, and a Tweety Bird shirt covered in holes and Doritos stains, I would want to have a serious talk with her about it. But if she said “no, my daughter wanted me to wear it I would be like “oh, cute!” Or, to drive this issue home a little more, if Courtney Stodden had a child (knock on lots of wood, everybody, this doesn’t need to happen in real life) and explained that the stripper heels and the legendary armband were all her kid’s idea, then I would accept it. I would call it “adorable.” That’s the power of a baby concerned with fashion.
What did you guys think of Gwyneth’s ensemble though? Was it as silly as I originally thought, or was it actually kind of pretty?
March 2, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Not to be harsh, but after that catastrophe that was Country Strong, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow needs to ever sing and dance again: not in the shower, not in her bedroom, not in a bar, not ever. And certainly not in a film that millions and millions of people will see. Just in case you’ve forgotten what Gwyneth Paltrow, The Singer is like, let me refresh your memory:
Do you see what I mean when I say that she needs to give this up forever? Yes? Then you should be able to feel my pain when I tell you that this is exactly what she’s not doing. What she is doing, though, is starring in a movie with Beyonce, Cameron Diaz, and Reese Witherspoon about old lady singers from the 1990′s who are sad that no one wants to listen to their music anymore. Really.
In a seven-figure preemptive deal, Sony Pictures is collaborating with Ryan Murphy on One Hit Wonders, a musical comedy pitch that will be written as a star vehicle for Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Beyonce and Andy Samberg.
Murphy is attached to direct, and he will write the script with his Gleecohorts Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan. Murphy will produce with Paltrow (who has practically become aGlee cast member) and the latter makes her debut as a producer on this film. Murphy hopes to direct it after he completes The Normal Heart.
Paltrow, Witherspoon and Diaz will play three singers who each scored a top hit song in the 1990s before watching their careers go down the drain. They decide to form a super group. Samberg and his Lonely Island cohorts will be involved in generating music for the film, I’m told. The project came out of a dinner Murphy had at the Soho House with Paltrow, Diaz and Witherspoon. They wanted to do something fun together and kicked around ideas until they settled on One Hit Wonders. Murphy, who made Eat Pray Love with Sony Pictures chief Amy Pascal, took the pitch to her. Pascal bought it 10 minutes in. They are working the deals right now.
I’ve never liked Gwyneth Paltrow, obviously, and I’m kind of over Beyonce at the moment. I’m pretty indifferent to Cameron Diaz, and I guess I like Reese Witherspoon ok. Despite all that, am I going to go see this movie? Yes. Hell yes. I mean, the music is going to be done by The Lonely Island, the boys who wrote such beautiful songs as “The Creep” and “I Just Had Sex.” And the Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be singing those songs. And then I get to see it and laugh forever. I think it would be worth the pain, just for those giggles.
Would anyone else be interested in seeing this film?
February 29, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Is there anything that Gwyneth Paltrow can’t do? Really, I’m not trying to be a smart ass here or anything, I’m just wondering if anyone knows of one thing that Gwyneth Paltrow cannot do, because I’m having a hard time. She can sing and dance, she can save your relationship, and she can pull off a formal cape. Oh, and she can also predict the future, because she’s already claiming to know all that lies ahead for Beyonce‘s little bundle of joy, Blue Ivy.
From Us Weekly:
She’s only seven-weeks-old, but BlueIvyCarter is destined to become a star like her parents BeyonceKnowles and Jay-Z.
“She is going to be an entertainer,” Gwyneth Paltrow, 39, explained to Hollywood Life at the Governor’s Ball Sunday. “She just has this glow around her like her mother.”
Paltrow has been close pals with the hip-hop power couple for more than a decade. “Beyonce is doing great,” Paltrow said of the first-time mom, who welcomed Blue Ivy in New York City on January 7. “She’s just a natural at being a mom.”
As for Blue Ivy? “She’s stunning,” Paltrow gushed. “She has the most beautiful eyes.”
I don’t know, you guys, I kind of have some doubts with this one, mostly because every time I’ve hung out with a person who happened to be seven weeks old, my thoughts were more along the lines of “why are you making that weird face, is it because you’re pooping?” and “man, remember when you had that umbilical cord thing or whatever hanging off your tummy? Weird.” I don’t think I’ve ever predicted a child’s future career before, say, a few months.
See? Isn’t that definitely a cute little bitty baby and not at all a wad of clothes jammed under a blanket? PRECIOUS!
February 29, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily
In case you forgot, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, and it’s so important that you do everything right for your significant other. Do you understand that? Nothing else matters right now other than you not screwing up that special day tomorrow for your partner, and nobody knows that better than Gwyneth Paltrow. And since Gwyneth is such a sweetheart, she’s taken it upon herself to put together a step-by-step guide for you to give to your lover so that he doesn’t mess everything up tomorrow. That Gwyneth, always such a gem!
Gwyn went ahead and made a timeline so Valentine’s Day can run as smoothly as possible. The first step is to print out the guide and leave it somewhere for your “other half” to find because “they’ll get the hint.” Tee-hee!
Doing something romantic for your loved one on Valentine’s Day is sweet. Doing something sweet for your loved one on any other day is romantic. Here are some tips on how to bring some Valentine’s Day magic to any time of day on any day of the week, without busting your wallet or schedule.
The first step is to be done at 7 AM, or whenever your girlfriend rolls her ass out of bed:
Surprise them by pre-loading a playlist onto their Ipod (or getting a mix onto whatever device they use to listen to music) with whatever songs are significant to you two. You’ll be on their mind throughout their morning run, commute, etc.
The next step should happen at 8 AM, or, again, whenever that lazy bitch you’re dating finally decides to get up:
While breakfast in bed on a Saturday is lovely, breakfast in bed on a weekday is completely unexpected, and truly special. We’ve listed some super-simple recipes for even the most culinarily-challenged that can be prepared in five minutes or less to bring some unexpected romance to an otherwise normal day.
The recipes that Gwyneth lists are for a berry yogurt parfait, an “easy, cheesy omelet,” and a “super-simple side salad.” Oh, and “don’t forget a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and French press coffee.”
Here’s what you do at 11 AM:
Set an alarm on their phone to go off at this time that tells them to check their 1. pant pocket 2. wallet pocket 3. purse pocket, or whatever place you think they would not have naturally checked by now. In this pocket, you have placed either a love note, tickets to a play/movie/event that evening, a gift card to their favorite store, or an address and time of where and when they should meet you for a surprise evening activity of your choice.
Ok, then at 3 PM, you have to send flowers. But not just any flowers, flowers that have crafts attached to them. See, if you’re in love, you’ll take time to cut out little hearts, write special messages on them, attach each heart individually to each flower, and then deliver them yourself. Because you don’t have a job or anything.
At 6 PM, you’re supposed to prepare a “simple dinner” for your lover. Gwyneth suggests Chicken Paillard.
Then, at 10 PM, you’re finally supposed to have sex, but be sure at get the Kama Sutra kit and the sex book that Gwyneth recommends. You can never be too prepared!
Oh, and Gwyneth mentions that “if you happen to be single,” you can just do all these things with your BFF or whoever. Hope that Kama Sutra kit isn’t too awkward for that.
So that just about covers it! Does everyone feel comfortable about what you need to do tomorrow or what you need to tell someone else to do? All right then, good luck, and enjoy your easy cheesy omelet tomorrow morning!