I knew I was going to show this to you guys since yesterday afternoon, because I love you and I want to share both laughter and tears with you. The only thing was, I wasn’t sure what to say. I mean, I didn’t want to simply trash talk Gwyneth, even though it’s so easy. But then, last night, a beautiful miracle occured: my puppy tired herself out after trying to eat my face for two straight hours and went to sleep right as I noticed that Seven was coming on. Remember that movie? That’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s redeeming quality to me. Not even her performance, just that she played the character who indirectly inspired Brad Pitt to cry out “WHAT’S IN THE BOX?” so unforgettably. Notably, that point in the movie is when the puppy decided to wake up, so I wrestled around with her and said “what’s in the box?” over and over, and that got her really excited. So, um, that’s what I like about Gwyneth Paltrow.
But yeah, funny video, right?
April 17, 2011 at 11:00 am by Emily
See this magazine cover? Little Gwynnie hates it. She claims that she’s got, or had, body issues, and her ‘bony top’ and ‘dumpy bottom’ are what keep her up at night, chewing her perfectly-manicured nails and twiddling her surgically-enhanced thumbs (I’m kidding. I don’t know for sure that she gets her nails manicured professionally).
Gwyn states that she works out for an hour and a half every day, and if she doesn’t feel like working out on vacation, guys? She just DOESN’T DO IT. I’m gonna be honest, though – I’m really skeptical about those who do work out during their vacations, anyway, so that’s a plus-one for Paltrow. I mean, the last thing I want to be doing is working out on vacation. I’d rather much be waking up on the beach in a half-naked, hungover lump than sweating it out in the resort’s gym at 7 in the morning. I mean, fuck. Isn’t that what vacations are for? I have a hard enough time dragging my dead ass to my Zumba and Pilates classes three or four times a week, and those are only an HOUR LONG.
Anyway, even though Gwyn is totally hot and talented and everything, I totally don’t hate her for that. I just don’t like her much because she pretends to be all humble and meek when you just know that she’s not. But hey. I guess that’s just the nature of most beasts, huh?
April 15, 2011 at 7:30 am by Sarah
I first was exposed to hip-hop when I was about 16 (1988) by some boys who went to collegiate. The Beastie Boys were sort of the way in for us preppie kids. We were into Public Enemy, Run-DMC and LL Cool J. But then I went to LA the summer between my junior and senior year of high school and I discovered N.W.A which became my obsession. I was fascinated by lyrics as rhythm and how Dre had a such different cadence and perspective from say, Eazy-E, who I thought was one of the most ironic and brilliant voices hip-hop has ever had. It was an accident that I learned every word of Straight Outta Compton and to love something that a.) I had no real understanding of in terms of the culture that it was emanating from and b.) to love something that my parents literally could not grasp. But I was hooked. I can’t remember what I ate for dinner last night but I could sing to you every single word of N.W.A’s “Fuck Tha Police” or [Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock's] “It Takes Two.” Go figure.
God, I would so gladly go even more in debt than I already am to see Gwyneth perform “Fuck Tha Police.” That was the first thought I had after reading that quote. But then, later in the interview, Jay-Z asks Gwyneth the classic question “Biggie or Tupac?” And Gwyneth answered with “Biggie by miles.” So now she’s dead to me.
April 14, 2011 at 10:30 am by Emily
The practically perfect Gwyneth Paltrow has done yet another completely amazing thing– earned her first gold record. The news broke last night that the actress’ cover of Cee-Lo’s “Forget You” from her guest-appearance on Glee has sold over 535,000 copies. Must have been her surprise performance at Sunday’s Grammy’s with Cee-Lo that really pushed it over the top.
Gwyneth’s last movie, Country Strong, only reached the number six spot on the box office charts the weekend of it’s wide release, but featured Gwyneth singing throughout the whole thing. And it had Tim McGraw in it.
What am I getting at? Gwyneth is an okay singer, but she didn’t produce a real gold record. She covered one of the most popular songs of the summer on one of the most popular shows on television. Pardon my language, but no fucking shit she has a gold record.
February 16, 2011 at 6:30 am by Molls
Maybe if it were ten or fifteen years ago and you said ‘Gwyneth Paltrow’ and ‘crotch shot’ in the same sentence, you’d get a lot of people hot, bothered, and interested. Today, however? The crotch shot of the day was brought to you by La Goop herself, and the words ‘goop’ and ‘crotch’ don’t exactly complement one another, I’m quite sorry to say.
But sigh. I know I’ve got to do my job, and I wouldn’t be helping you help yourself if I didn’t pass along photographic evidence that Gwyneth Paltrow is a human being first, and a woman second, so here it is after the jump.
January 21, 2011 at 6:30 am by Sarah
You guys chose Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin to split in ’11, and you also named her and Martin for one of the recent blind items (don’t you just love those fucking things), and here’s some more fodder to add to the growing list indicating that Paltrow and Martin’s marriage is over: Miss Smarmy Goopy Private Pants is dishing on old relationships – like, Ben Affleck and Brad Pitt old. We’re talking, what, ’97? ’98? Someone’s apparently looking to stir up some publicity for some ‘unknown’ reason if you ask me.
According to E!, Gwen claims that being in a relationship with both Affleck and Pitt was ‘strange’:
“It was strange to be part of a public couple.”
She also claims that though she was practically Hollywood royalty, what with being the golden child of Blythe Danner and Bruce Paltrow, she still worked hard for her money to party with Robert Kennedy Jr. and his sharp-shouldered cohorts. Gwen claims that daddy still wouldn’t line her pockets in light of who she was palling around with, either:
“I would say ‘Dad, I can’t go out to dinner, I have no money,’ and he would say ‘you’re welcome to come over here and eat at our house anytime, but I’m not giving you money for your social life.”
Gwen’s mother, apparently part of the interview, interjects and states:
“We could have paid for everything and had a spoiled kid. [But] I think it’s really important for people to work hard.”
Yeah, I agree. Totally. Which is why I’m so confused as to how your daughter turned out to be a self-centered, sanctimonious little turd that prides herself on comments of ‘do this, not that.’
Sorry, Gwen, but if this little interview was supposed to make people feel like you’re more than a fame-seeking robot with extra-good skin, it failed. By bringing up your sex history with Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck, arguably two of the hottest men in Hollywood at one point, it only made me yearn for the more simple days of celebrity gossip like 1995 – when Seven was a box-office hit, Brad Pitt hadn’t even thought of boning Angelina Jolie yet and was still riding the coattails of Legends of the Fall‘s fame (loved that fucking movie), and when Kevin Spacey the serial killer handed over your head in a box.