Ugh, man, I’m going to totally hate myself for saying this, but isn’t Gwyneth Paltrow cute without makeup? I know that’s probably precisely what she wants to hear from us (the commoners), and she’s probably going to ride this high horse for the next six years—at least—but I had to say it. I’m sorry. Sometimes I just can’t lie when it comes to certain celebrities, and though it’s unfortunate that it’s all about Gwyneth Paltrow this time, I couldn’t do it now, either.
This is Gwyneth, no makeup, running errands in the rain while in London. And it’s apparent—personal feelings aside—that girlfriend is even striking when she doesn’t have a full face of powder and contouring paste and fake eyelashes on.
How do all you guys feel about girlfriend? Is she a self-righteous
twat little flower no matter what she looks like? Or should we cut her some slack and say, “Hey. Maybe she’s not as miserably self-involved as she comes off”?
May 2, 2012 at 4:30 am by Sarah
Celebrity guests on the premiere episode of Amanda De Cadenet’s new chat show “The Conversation” were quizzed about their favorite sex positions.
Gwyneth Paltrow, Zoe Saldana, Jane Fonda and Sarah Silverman were all asked what makes them most comfortable in intimate settings.
The racy question raised eyebrows for Fonda and prompted de Cadenet’s longtime pal Paltrow to shriek, “What?”
Silverman said, “I do enjoy a good sound missionary-ing… and I like to be manhandled.”
Saldana replied, “I like missionary and I like being on my knees too. And I love being on top… I love doggy-style or standing up.”
Candid Fonda offered: “While I am quite flexible and I can kneel, it’s not quite as comfortable for me as it used to be before I had a fake knee… (I like to be) either lying down or sitting up on a couch with him coming on to me, no pun intended.”
After her initial shock, Paltrow added, “I’m down with all of them.”
Ha! Of course Gwyneth Paltrow was all taken aback by the question. God, she probably hasn’t had sex since Brad Pitt back in 1997! And Sarah Silverman, peh. For as raunchy and down-and-dirty nasty as she pretends to be, you’d think she’d have come up with a better answer than “I do enjoy a good sound missionary-ing …” because what? She feels the need to play coy to The Conversation‘s easy-to-offend audience? No, because the audience isn’t easy to offend, but Sarah likes to pander to whomever she sees as important for the minute. OK, I’m done ranting about Sarah Silverman for right now. Needless to say, she’s not one of my favorite people in Hollywood, but if you’ve been here as long as I have, you probably already knew that.
Jane Fonda is still totally hot for her age (which is seventy-four if you can believe it), and her detailed answer (minus the fake knee thing, all that was successful in was making me cringe with my whole spirit) was, by far, the best and least-rehearsed, but I’m thinking she should probably elaborate the whole “sitting on a couch” thing, because that just sounds frightening and geriatric, at best.
Did you guys watch The Conversation this past weekend?
April 30, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Sarah
Normally I wouldn’t give two shits about Gwyneth Patrow and her pretentious ass walking around New York City looking like a pretentious ass, but I saw these photos today and they gave me pause. You know why? Because last night I watched a movie that I never really thought I’d end up seeing, and it was honestly pretty good. Know what it was? Country Strong. It was GOOD, guys. Have any of you seen it? Generally, I’m a sucker for cheesy-ass movies, but I won’t see them ’til at least eighteen months after they’re “new,” and this was no exception. I remember writing about Country Strong a year and a half ago, saying that it looked really awful and really cheesy, but really good at the same time, and that I’d inevitably end up seeing it. And I did! It’s so funny how things work out sometimes.
I do realize that the movie’s pretty old already by modern standards, but I wanted to talk about it for a second. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie already, I’m going to tell you right now: spoiler. Huge spoiler. Ready? Here comes the spoiler! Gwyneth Paltrow—or Kelly Canter, in the film—kills herself. Kills herself. Total surprise right there.
You begin the movie kind of empathizing with her while she’s in rehab for alcoholism, and when she’s checked out too soon and forced back onto the touring circuit by her douchebag husband (who you end up empathizing with later on in the movie, oddly enough, because he’s just a sad old man), she relapses one, two, three times, and blows two shows, and then you’re like, “Ugh, this dumb bitch is just like Lindsay Lohan. I have no hope for her.” Then, later on, she gets seedy seedy seedy, and ends up pole dancing at a dive bar and f-cking her grody tour manager because she doesn’t want her last show to be cancelled. That’s when you start pitying her. And when you find out that she was in rehab because the prior year she’d taken a ten-foot tumble off-stage while five months pregnant and wasted, you’re kind of appalled and piteous and maybe a little sympathetic, too. She blows her last show out of the water, people think she’s “healed,” and then she goes and locks herself in her dressing room and OD’s on pills. She dies. Mindf-ck.
There’re other, more secondary storylines going on that involve Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester and love and not making the same grand mistakes that Gwyneth’s character did and blah blah blah, but guys! I don’t know. I’m still floored by the fact that after all that, she kills herself.
Anyway. Here’s the other photo of the Jerry Seinfeld lookalike checking Gwyneth out in NYC. Enjoy.
April 26, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah
I need your help. In exchange for not April Foolin’ you guys, I need you to help me review this story and figure out whether or not it’s a joke. That’s fair, right?
The story is actually an article supposedly written by Gwyneth Paltrow for L.A. Weekly. In the article, she gives a recipe for quail egg pasta with black truffles, “a quick fix for busy moms everywhere.” The recipe requires lots of fancy ingredients, such as a black truffle that, if you can’t find locally, you can order online for a little over four hundred dollars (Gwyneth calls it “a little exy but so worth it”). She goes on with her special brand of pretentiousness and failed humor, and for the most part, I can really believe her saying it. But some parts are pretty out there, like when she mentions her children taking classes like “Microbiotics in the 18th Century” and “Beekeeping for Urban Babies.” Even then though, I really don’t think it’s completely impossible that this is real.
Check it out for yourself, then let me know, ok?
My close friend and confidant Victoria Beckham and I were just discussing over brunch how stressful it is being busy moms in heels. It’s insane. Between reading emails, making vision boards with Isabel Marant, and researching the most effective psyllium husk, there’s very little time to whip together a quick, healthy, committed and tolerant weekday night dinner for your family.
So I created this recipe for a yummy Quail Egg Pasta that is so truly amazing and entirely original but most importantly: a quick fix for busy moms everywhere.
April 1, 2012 at 12:00 pm by Emily
To be fair to Gwyneth, if I was an A list actress trying to decide what to wear to the Oscars, you’d better believe that a cape would be considered. Especially if I’d been to as many award ceremonies as Gwyneth has. I think the first few times, I would do my best to pick something really elegant and classy, some timeless dress that might not really be a jaw-dropper but would be gorgeous nonetheless. Then I’d start easing into the crazy. A ballgown made entirely of tulle and sequins? Yes, please! A nice, simple A-line that I spent six months bedazzling? It would only be natural! Yeah, a cape wouldn’t be so outlandish then.
But let’s be real, I’m not in this business to be fair. I’m in this business to talk trash about Gwyneth Paltrow, plain and simple, and with that in mind, I’ll say this: what’s up with the dumb cape, Gwyneth? Did you fly on in to save the mortals from themselves?
“I tried on one dress. That was the dress and I thought, ‘it’s a little different but it’s sort of a throwback,’ ” Paltrow said during a taping of The Chew on Thursday. “I saw a pic of Jackie O in a white dress with a cape and it’s been a while since anyone’s worn a cape, frankly, except for Superman.”
The look she’s possibly referring to was then First Lady Jackie Kennedy, who designed her white ensemble herself for husband John F. Kennedy’s inaugural ball in 1961.
Paltrow concedes, though, that the cape was all Tom Ford’s idea – and daughter Apple did have a say, too. “My daughter loves a fashion moment,” said Paltrow. “She weighs in very heavily.”
Goddamnit, Gwyneth. Don’t you realize that I can’t possibly trash anyone’s clothes after they say that their child picked them out? Really, if my best friend (who has a child for this scenario) moseyed on over to my apartment in faded Christina Aguilera leggings, flip flops, and a Tweety Bird shirt covered in holes and Doritos stains, I would want to have a serious talk with her about it. But if she said “no, my daughter wanted me to wear it I would be like “oh, cute!” Or, to drive this issue home a little more, if Courtney Stodden had a child (knock on lots of wood, everybody, this doesn’t need to happen in real life) and explained that the stripper heels and the legendary armband were all her kid’s idea, then I would accept it. I would call it “adorable.” That’s the power of a baby concerned with fashion.
What did you guys think of Gwyneth’s ensemble though? Was it as silly as I originally thought, or was it actually kind of pretty?
March 2, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Not to be harsh, but after that catastrophe that was Country Strong, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow needs to ever sing and dance again: not in the shower, not in her bedroom, not in a bar, not ever. And certainly not in a film that millions and millions of people will see. Just in case you’ve forgotten what Gwyneth Paltrow, The Singer is like, let me refresh your memory:
Do you see what I mean when I say that she needs to give this up forever? Yes? Then you should be able to feel my pain when I tell you that this is exactly what she’s not doing. What she is doing, though, is starring in a movie with Beyonce, Cameron Diaz, and Reese Witherspoon about old lady singers from the 1990′s who are sad that no one wants to listen to their music anymore. Really.
In a seven-figure preemptive deal, Sony Pictures is collaborating with Ryan Murphy on One Hit Wonders, a musical comedy pitch that will be written as a star vehicle for Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Beyonce and Andy Samberg.
Murphy is attached to direct, and he will write the script with his Gleecohorts Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan. Murphy will produce with Paltrow (who has practically become aGlee cast member) and the latter makes her debut as a producer on this film. Murphy hopes to direct it after he completes The Normal Heart.
Paltrow, Witherspoon and Diaz will play three singers who each scored a top hit song in the 1990s before watching their careers go down the drain. They decide to form a super group. Samberg and his Lonely Island cohorts will be involved in generating music for the film, I’m told. The project came out of a dinner Murphy had at the Soho House with Paltrow, Diaz and Witherspoon. They wanted to do something fun together and kicked around ideas until they settled on One Hit Wonders. Murphy, who made Eat Pray Love with Sony Pictures chief Amy Pascal, took the pitch to her. Pascal bought it 10 minutes in. They are working the deals right now.
I’ve never liked Gwyneth Paltrow, obviously, and I’m kind of over Beyonce at the moment. I’m pretty indifferent to Cameron Diaz, and I guess I like Reese Witherspoon ok. Despite all that, am I going to go see this movie? Yes. Hell yes. I mean, the music is going to be done by The Lonely Island, the boys who wrote such beautiful songs as “The Creep” and “I Just Had Sex.” And the Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be singing those songs. And then I get to see it and laugh forever. I think it would be worth the pain, just for those giggles.
Would anyone else be interested in seeing this film?