“I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can.”
I just can’t right now, you guys. I dislike Gwyneth so strongly, and it’s so early in the morning, and I just don’t have it in me right now to rip her to shreds like I really, really want to. If you could just pick this one up for me, I’d appreciate it so much.
July 9, 2011 at 8:00 am by Emily
Oh Vanity Fair. Something about this is just wrong, and I can’t quite put my finger on WHAT. Seeing Gwyneth Paltrow like this is similar to seeing your sort-of-hot but really really god-awful boss naked. You derive no pleasure from it other than the grim satisfaction of knowing that she’s got actual skin instead of scales and horns, know what I mean, jellybean?
July 1, 2011 at 4:30 am by Sarah
“ … She pointed at my [large] tummy and said, ‘What’s going on here? I love you. Get it together’.”
Comic Ross Matthews dishes on what (and, um, who) gave him the motivation to drop forty pounds.
Some might think it sounds harsh, but boyfriend has actually TURNED HIS LIFE AROUND because of the mighty Gwynnie. He’s lost a crap ton of weight, got into exercising, and started his own garden, where he makes vegetable medleys and smoothies and organic dishes. And seriously, all joking aside, good for him.
It’s amazing what a little Goop in your life can do. Has Gwyneth saved any of YOUR lives, too?
June 15, 2011 at 5:30 am by Sarah
Being a tutor for the offspring of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin would be a pretty sweet gig, if you ask me. The pay is $98,000 a year, you work two to four hours a day, you get a free apartment of your very own in London. Plus, you get to travel around with the ever happy couple on their dime, and can you even imagine all the enlightening talks you could have with Gwyneth in passing? It would be a seriously awesome job.
The only problem? You have to be perfect.
If you can’t teach ancient Greek, Latin, French and Spanish to a five- and seven-year-old and play at least two instruments and know how to sail and play tennis, then keep movin’. I mean, if you didn’t go to Oxford or Cambridge then maybe you’d still have a shot, but seriously, if you don’t know how to sail, then how dare you presume that you can teach a child anything.
Oh, Gwyneth. You can raise your children however you want, of course, but let’s tone down on the the pretentiousness, all right?
June 3, 2011 at 12:30 pm by Emily
If there’s anyone that I love to poke fun at, it’s Justin Bieber Kristen Stewart Lindsay Lohan ok, there’s a lot of people I like to poke fun at, but Gwyneth Paltrow is definitely high on that list. I think it’s because she has such a high opinion of her questionable talent, and people like that always need to be knocked down a few pegs.
Anyway, Gwyneth went and got herself a Twitter account today, and if you read this here blog at all, you know that making fun of celebrities on Twitter is one of my favorite pastimes. As of this moment in time, Gwyneth has only released one precious Tweet out into the world (“This is my first Tweet,” how worthless), but I’m just so, so excited for when she really gets in the swing of things. She’ll Tweet N.W.A. lyrics and pretentious recipes. Ugh, I’m so glad I didn’t get raptured so I could live to see this day.
June 1, 2011 at 4:30 pm by Emily
You may remember that a few months back, on the heels of recording Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You” for Glee, that there was all kinds of buzz about Gwyneth Paltrow getting a record deal and doing the whole music thing in a much more serious way. It turns out, the only thing Gwynnie was serious about was profiting off of her “musical talent” and Atlantic Records, the label that was set to sign her, isn’t willing to cough up the cash to make it happen.
“Atlantic bosses were very interested, and [Atlantic owner] Warner chief Lyor Cohen was very supportive. But then the talks halted and the deal fizzled out. There was a rumor that Paltrow wanted $1 million to sign, but that is a ridiculous figure. Atlantic is still interested in signing her.”
Paltrow’s rep said in a statement: “Atlantic was not the only company pursuing her, and she still has not decided if she wants to record an album. It is still something she is considering.”
Leave it to Gwyneth to score a gold record covering someone else’s song and thinking that warrants her a one million dollar record deal, huh? Sounds like the bratty child of famous parents if you ask me…
She is the worst.