Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow Would Like You to Buy This Sweater for $500

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Yep, that sweater right there that Gwyneth herself is modelling. The blue one with the hearts and the elbow patches. It will be $500, please. Or, well, actually $515. But it’s part of the GOOP Collection, all right? You’re paying for 100% cashmere and impeccable taste. For all that, she’s practically giving it away at $515.

But if the $515 is too much for you poor folk, she’s got another sweater, and this one is only $485, because Gwyneth understands that times are tough:

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

And see, you still get the cashmere, you still get the elbow patches, and you still get the comfort of knowing that Gwyneth Paltrow took the time to design a sweater for you, the working class.

But hey, is she serious with this? Because I really need to know if she’s serious with this. $500 for one single sweater, is that something that people actually pay for? And of course I realize that cashmere costs more than your regular old wool or whatever, but honestly? My entire outfit cost about $25, and that’s including my awesome shoes that I’ve worn pretty much every day this summer (they’re made from vegetables!). The most expensive item in my whole closet cost about $250, but it’s a coat I got this past spring for about 80% off. And I can’t be completely sure, but I’m pretty sure that my shopping habits are closer to average than Gwyneth’s idea of “hey, come spend hundreds of your dollars on my stupid sweater.” Right?

Gwyneth Paltrow Claims She Cries “All the Time”

photo of gwyneth paltrow crying pictures
From Radar Online via InStyle:

“You can call my shrink on that one,” she candidly responds to a question about why she works so hard. “The positive thing that drives me is a curiosity and momentum. The negative is a need to validate myself or feel special. Like a childhood need to differentiate myself or…”

Gwyneth, who also talks about her postpartum depression in the interview conducted by her fashion designer pal Diane von Furstenberg, continues her sob story. “I cry all the time,” she admits. “I cried half an hour ago. I’m a crybaby!”

When asked if she cried out of happiness or frustration, she candidly responds on the darker side.

“Maybe out of sadness or uncertainty. Do you feel bad for me now?”

Ooh. Girl. Yeah, I do. I feel really, really bad for you. See, it’s like your life is just the way you portrayed it in Country Strong, minus the hot young Garrett Hedlund. And that’s enough to make anyone cry all, all the time.

Think maybe Gwyneth should see someone about these mini-meltdowns?

Love It or Leave It: Gwyneth Paltrow for Hugo Boss

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

When I first saw this lame perfume ad, I thought that the name of the product was Boss Nut. Obviously, it’s Boss Nuit, and those of you with fancy book learnin’ probably already know that nuit is French for “night,” but I don’t care about that. What I care about is the sweet, sweet smell of Boss Nut.

And see, that whole thing right there? Misreading the name of the perfume, then realizing that I had misread it and giggling like a preteen boy over the word “nut”? That was a million times more interesting to me than Gwyneth Paltrow in this ad. Honestly, if she’s not saying something that’s preposterously pretentious or laughably trying to sell people a shapeless white t-shirt for $90, then I really couldn’t care less.

But just in case you want to see more boring Gwyneth, here’s the TV spot for the perfume:

I’m actually alarmed by how much I don’t care about this. Well, about the ad itself – I’d give anything to get a good solid whiff of that Boss Nut.

Now Introducing The GOOP Collection!

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “man, I wish Gwyneth Paltrow would design some clothes”? Do you read GOOP newsletter after GOOP newsletter, desperately wishing that you can find affordable, adorable basics envisioned by none other than the GOOP herself? Then I’ll be honest, you’ve got a lot of time on your hands and some weird ideas about what’s important, but my opinion doesn’t matter, because your wish finally came true!

Yes, Gwyneth teamed up with some actual clothing designers to make a limited edition GOOP collection. But it’s only available in the U.S., the clothes are neither affordable or adorable, and let me just go ahead and show you the clothes, all right?

There are only two items right now. The first is a pair of jeans:

To be fair, those look like some nice jeans. They’re $200 though. I guess that’s a reasonable price for a pair of fancy designer jeans, but I really don’t know, I’m a bargain shopper. The weird thing about the pants is that they’re available in sizes 24-32, which is really confusing to me. That has to be a waist measurement, right? It’s obviously not 24-32 in traditional women’s sizes, because I’m sure Gwyneth wouldn’t make pants solely for fatties. But in what world does sizing women’s pants by a waist measurement alone make sense? Did GOOP forget about hips?

Anyway, here’s the second item:

This is where it gets comical. That’s a white t-shirt with black piping on the shoulders and the sides. It is $90. Is this supposed to be a joke? Because I’m pretty sure I could grab one of my boyfriend’s old t-shirts and hot glue some ugly ass cord all over it and have a pretty similar looking shirt. Also, the shirt only comes in one size that “comfortably fits U.S. sizes 0-8.”

Basically, if you’re around Gwyneth Paltrow’s size, live in the U.S., and have about $300 to blow, this incredibly boring outfit could be all yours! Act now while supplies last! Or, you know, run down to the Goodwill and recreate this whole look for less than $10. Or find another outfit that’s actually cute. The choice is yours!

Blind Items, Revealed!

Today is a magical day. Or, well, yesterday was a magical day, but Sarah and I were busy celebrating America’s birthday, so we’re just getting to the magic today. See, yesterday CDAN revealed tons and tons of blind items. Let’s stop with the preamble and get right to those, all right?

This A list celebrity and former singer who seems to always wear sunglasses was out over the weekend when she stopped to watch a woman on the street singing for money. The celebrity said, “You are better than I ever was. Honestly, so is everyone.” She then actually laughed and dropped $500 into the bucket.

Who could that be? Any guesses? You don’t have to guess, because we already know it was Victoria Beckham! See how fun this is? It’s only just beginning!

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Quotables: Nas is An Idiot

photo of gwyneth paltrow and nas pictures

“I would slap the s*** out of somebody for Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s the homie, she’s cool. Gwyneth gets a pass. Real people get a pass. We know what this s*** is. We don’t interrupt Italians when they say ‘Wop’ to each other. They gonna punch you in the mouth if you interrupt that. Don’t interrupt us. We pick and choose. … Some might not feel the same way. Some of us will get angrier about it than others; but some people get a pass. The people that I know who are cool and real n****s, Gwyneth Paltrow is a real n****, that’s my homie. That’s how I’m on it. Some people get a pass.”

So is that how this all is? Because I’m afraid I just don’t get it. Here’s a quick suggestion: how about we ALL stop saying the offending word (people of all races), and be done with it? Then no one feels insulted, excluded, faked out, shit on, oppressed, or revered. Will that work for everyone?

Whatever. Nas is a pretentious idiot anyway.

Apparently Gwyneth Paltrow’s a Racist Now, is Tweeting the N-Word

Gwyneth Paltrow on WhoSay

That photo up there is from Gwyneth’s Twitter account, and the photo was captioned with the following:

Ni**as in Paris for real

And people are FREAKING THE F-CK OUT. All sorts of media outlets are reporting Gwyneth as racist, and claim that she’s spreading hate messages all over the internets. And it’s seriously one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard in my lifetime. Gwyneth Paltrow, racist? Please. Racism is so not cool, so there’s no way she’d be a part of it, even if she really *did* have racial sentiments. Second, Gwyneth Paltrow is known to be close friends with Jay-Z and Beyonce, and has professed her love for rap in the past. That kind of behavior definitely doesn’t trigger a “RACIST!” response within me, sorry. Last? It’s the damn title of the song. And she was IN PARIS. How quickly people turn their selective memories off and on.

I’m not Team Gwyneth in, like, practically anything, but come on. Even I have to defend her from this kind of garbage. Jeez.