8Either Autotune Gets More and More Believable Every Day or (Gasp) Gwyneth Paltrow Might Actually Be Able to Sing

So it looks like the Queen of Good Living has gone and done something that I might be interested in checking out. Gwyneth Paltrow is starring in a new movie, Country Strong (yup, just like in the title of the music video above – a title I despise), and the scenes from the movie as depicted in the music video look kind of intriguing.

Why? Because it’s a movie about an alcoholic country star has-been and Gwynnie is playing the lead role. Anything portraying Gwyneth Paltrow as a washed-up has-been that’s being replaced by, well, practically anyone, is worth seeing in my book.

Gwyn plays the country star who unfolds amidst declining record sales, failing tours, a cheating husband that sleeps with the newest country chippie on the block, and her ongoing battle with alcoholism. The flick also stars Tim McGraw as Gwyneth’s husband, and Leighton Meester as the young love interest.

If you’re a country fan (I’m not) and a fan of Gwyneth Paltrow (um, not again), you’ll probably enjoy this movie. If you masochistically enjoy seeing an overblown harpy lose her shit on screen and flex her ‘acting skills’ (like me), you’ll probably enjoy this movie.

That being said, this’ll probably end up being an Academy Award winner. It’s foolproof.

October 14, 2010 at 9:00 am by Sarah

9Gwyneth Paltrow is Still Pretentious, Still an Asshat

According to her latest newsletter on GOOP, Paltrow admits that her anti-sun forever-and-ever tactics have caught up with her. Paltrow, who’s been notoriously pale for a few years, now, has repeatedly vowed to stay out of the sun completely, since the sun’s UV rays can cause lines, wrinkles, premature aging … oh, and yeah, skin cancer, too.

However, because of her desire to avoid the sun, she was recently diagnosed with a condition related to poor Vitamin D intake. Unsurprisingly, the sun is responsible for healthy levels of Vitamin D maintenance, and the sun’s rays also help serotonin and dopamine levels to be more balanced. No wonder she’s such a miserable bitch. So, as everyone always thought, a moderate amount of sun with the right protection actually does wonders for the body. Surprise, surprise. Gwyn is now eating her words, which probably taste like purified air, essential oils, and fat-free, gluten-free, carb-free composite board:

“I suffered a pretty severe Tibial plateau fracture a few years ago (requiring surgery) which lead the orthopaedic surgeon to give me a bone scan, at which point it was discovered I had the beginning stages of osteopenia. This led my western/eastern doctors in New York to test my Vitamin D levels, which turned out to be the lowest they had ever seen (not a good thing). I went on a prescription strength level of Vitamin D and was told to … spend a bit of time in the sun! I was curious if this was safe, having been told for years to stay away from its dangerous rays, not to mention a tad bit confused as we are all well schooled in the dangers of overexposure to the sun.”

She’s the harbinger of enlightened living and she didn’t even know this? I’m no doctor, clearly, but come on. And if you really want to bring a doc into it, I’ve got just the guy for you. Dr. Frank Lipman — a physician that Paltrow actually trusts to treat her — claims:

“Numerous studies have shown that optimising your Vitamin D levels may actually help prevent as many as 16 different types of cancer including pancreatic, lung, breast, ovarian, prostate, and colon cancers. And the best way to optimise Vitamin D levels is through safe, smart and limited sunscreen-free exposure to the sun.”

So, go figure, and Happy Summer. Don’t waste it inside every day, if at all possible.

June 18, 2010 at 7:33 am by Sarah

6Aww, Look Who’s Still a Self-Entitled Little Turd.

Smile, baby!

Word on the street is that Grey’s Anatomy phenom Katherine Heigl is trying to spread the word that she should be nominated for an Emmy award due to her huge success on the medical-themed and mega star-power that, you know, follows her everywhere she goes. According to Entertainment Weekly, Heigl, herself, has really done just that:

Though she sat out more than half of the season of Grey’s Anatomy, Katherine Heigl has submitted herself in the supporting actress category for this year’s Emmy race, her representative confirms. There is no set amount of episodes that an actor must appear in to be eligible for either the supporting or lead actor categories.

Heigl only appeared in a handful of episodes this year before her character, Dr. Izzie Stevens, was last seen around Seattle Grace in January. Heigl was due back on the set of the ABC drama March 1 but she never showed up. Heigl told EW that “rumors that I refused to return were totally untrue.” ABC Studios said it was mutually agreed upon that Heigl would end her run this season.

Yes, guys, she totally does deserve that Emmy … and you wanna know why? Because you’re probably looking at the next condescending, good-living advice-spewing, Goop-filled Gwyneth Paltrow, right here. Like the child that craves attention, maybe if you acknowledge her quick and thoroughly, she’ll go away for awhile. Or at least until the next pain in the ass kid comes along and doesn’t want to share their stupid ball, either.

June 8, 2010 at 6:32 am by Sarah

3Jake Gyllenhaal is Fearful of Long-Legged, Beak-Faced Predators

So I guess ever dating Gwyneth Paltrow is totally out of the question.

Jake dishes on his upcoming movie, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, and the film’s use of ostriches to enhance the film’s ambiance. Gyllenhaal states:

“They would say, ‘Don’t make any noise around the ostriches. They’ll tear out your eyes and rip out your heart.’ So, I was naturally terrified … They look like they’re innocent, but they’re really not.”

Prince of Persia is based on the video game of the same name and follows a prince (Gyllenhaal) on his quest to prevent worldwide doom in a scantily-clad kind of way, similar to almost every other fantasy/action movie. On the whole, it sounds alright, but I think it’s going to be one of those movies I happen to see accidentally, rather than making the conscious effort to get in my car, drive seven miles to the nearest theater and pay ten bucks to see a movie that features a shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal … ’cause it’s Gyllenhaal shirtless or not.

The moral of the story? Keep the hell away from ostriches (and Gwyneth Paltrow) at all costs.

May 10, 2010 at 10:52 am by Sarah

23Quotables

“I can be mean. I can cave in to gossip. I can ice people out and I can definitely harbour revenge. In fact, I’m having a situation right now with a friend where I’m feeling pretty angry. But revenge is corrosive and it doesn’t make me feel good. I’ll wake up in the morning and think, ‘Ugh, I feel terrible’, and suddenly realize, ‘Ah, that’s why. I’m holding on to so much hate.”

–Gwyneth Paltrow gives us an inside look at the ice-chip-nipple queen herself in an interview with Brit Vogue. Shite, paint me shocked in all the colors of Paltrow’s monochromatic wardrobe. But I guess if I didn’t allow myself to eat pasta … or doughnuts … or brownies and flour and water, too, I’d probably be a bitter suck-egg bitch as well.

April 7, 2010 at 6:27 am by Sarah

30Gwyneth Paltrow Gives Pretentious Advice, Also Sings Like Shit

Well, well … For someone who presents herself to be so hoity-toity, enlightened and above it all, Gwyneth Paltrow can’t sing a note to save her life.

Paltrow was spotted out at a wrap party for her latest flick, Love Don’t Let Me Down and girlfriend sounded like she’d swallowed a bag of smashed cats.

For someone who I consider to be a sub-par actress to begin with, I hardly think this clip is for “pretend.”

I know there are probably some of you out there who’ll read this, shit all over yourselves and start with the “Gwyneth is God, Gwyneth is a fucking guru of fine living, Gwyneth bumped uglies with revered sex-beast Brad Pitt for shit’s sake” and you know what? I’ve fastened my index fingers securely into my ear canals. A tool is a tool no matter how partially chewed off the thorns are and there is nothing endearing or cute about Gwyneth Paltrow mumbling clumsily along to a song that practically anyone with a half a lung can sing.

What do you guys think?  Do you think she can sing?  You know, in that special kind of way that she thinks she can?

March 11, 2010 at 6:54 am by Sarah