Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Gwyneth Paltrow

I Can’t Tell If This Is An April Fool’s Joke Or Not

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

I need your help. In exchange for not April Foolin’ you guys, I need you to help me review this story and figure out whether or not it’s a joke. That’s fair, right?

The story is actually an article supposedly written by Gwyneth Paltrow for L.A. Weekly. In the article, she gives a recipe for quail egg pasta with black truffles, “a quick fix for busy moms everywhere.” The recipe requires lots of fancy ingredients, such as a black truffle that, if you can’t find locally, you can order online for a little over four hundred dollars (Gwyneth calls it “a little exy but so worth it”). She goes on with her special brand of pretentiousness and failed humor, and for the most part, I can really believe her saying it. But some parts are pretty out there, like when she mentions her children taking classes like “Microbiotics in the 18th Century” and “Beekeeping for Urban Babies.” Even then though, I really don’t think it’s completely impossible that this is real.

Check it out for yourself, then let me know, ok?

My close friend and confidant Victoria Beckham and I were just discussing over brunch how stressful it is being busy moms in heels. It’s insane. Between reading emails, making vision boards with Isabel Marant, and researching the most effective psyllium husk, there’s very little time to whip together a quick, healthy, committed and tolerant weekday night dinner for your family.

So I created this recipe for a yummy Quail Egg Pasta that is so truly amazing and entirely original but most importantly: a quick fix for busy moms everywhere.

Read More

Gwyneth Paltrow Explains That Cape She Wore to The Oscars

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

To be fair to Gwyneth, if I was an A list actress trying to decide what to wear to the Oscars, you’d better believe that a cape would be considered. Especially if I’d been to as many award ceremonies as Gwyneth has. I think the first few times, I would do my best to pick something really elegant and classy, some timeless dress that might not really be a jaw-dropper but would be gorgeous nonetheless. Then I’d start easing into the crazy. A ballgown made entirely of tulle and sequins? Yes, please! A nice, simple A-line that I spent six months bedazzling? It would only be natural! Yeah, a cape wouldn’t be so outlandish then.

But let’s be real, I’m not in this business to be fair. I’m in this business to talk trash about Gwyneth Paltrow, plain and simple, and with that in mind, I’ll say this: what’s up with the dumb cape, Gwyneth? Did you fly on in to save the mortals from themselves?

Gwyneth responds:

“I tried on one dress. That was the dress and I thought, ‘it’s a little different but it’s sort of a throwback,’ ” Paltrow said during a taping of The Chew on Thursday. “I saw a pic of Jackie O in a white dress with a cape and it’s been a while since anyone’s worn a cape, frankly, except for Superman.”

The look she’s possibly referring to was then First Lady Jackie Kennedy, who designed her white ensemble herself for husband John F. Kennedy’s inaugural ball in 1961.

Paltrow concedes, though, that the cape was all Tom Ford’s idea – and daughter Apple did have a say, too. “My daughter loves a fashion moment,” said Paltrow. “She weighs in very heavily.”

Goddamnit, Gwyneth. Don’t you realize that I can’t possibly trash anyone’s clothes after they say that their child picked them out? Really, if my best friend (who has a child for this scenario) moseyed on over to my apartment in faded Christina Aguilera leggings, flip flops, and a Tweety Bird shirt covered in holes and Doritos stains, I would want to have a serious talk with her about it. But if she said “no, my daughter wanted me to wear it I would be like “oh, cute!” Or, to drive this issue home a little more, if Courtney Stodden had a child (knock on lots of wood, everybody, this doesn’t need to happen in real life) and explained that the stripper heels and the legendary armband were all her kid’s idea, then I would accept it. I would call it “adorable.” That’s the power of a baby concerned with fashion.

What did you guys think of Gwyneth’s ensemble though? Was it as silly as I originally thought, or was it actually kind of pretty?

Is The World Ready for Gwyneth Paltrow to Sing And Dance Again?

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Not to be harsh, but after that catastrophe that was Country Strong, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow needs to ever sing and dance again: not in the shower, not in her bedroom, not in a bar, not ever. And certainly not in a film that millions and millions of people will see. Just in case you’ve forgotten what Gwyneth Paltrow, The Singer is like, let me refresh your memory:

Do you see what I mean when I say that she needs to give this up forever? Yes? Then you should be able to feel my pain when I tell you that this is exactly what she’s not doing. What she is doing, though, is starring in a movie with Beyonce, Cameron Diaz, and Reese Witherspoon about old lady singers from the 1990′s who are sad that no one wants to listen to their music anymore. Really.

From Deadline:

In a seven-figure preemptive deal, Sony Pictures is collaborating with Ryan Murphy on One Hit Wonders, a musical comedy pitch that will be written as a star vehicle for Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Beyonce and Andy Samberg.

Murphy is attached to direct, and he will write the script with his Gleecohorts Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan. Murphy will produce with Paltrow (who has practically become aGlee cast member) and the latter makes her debut as a producer on this film. Murphy hopes to direct it after he completes The Normal Heart.

Paltrow, Witherspoon and Diaz will play three singers who each scored a top hit song in the 1990s before watching their careers go down the drain. They decide to form a super group. Samberg and his Lonely Island cohorts will be involved in generating music for the film, I’m told. The project came out of a dinner Murphy had at the Soho House with Paltrow, Diaz and Witherspoon. They wanted to do something fun together and kicked around ideas until they settled on One Hit Wonders. Murphy, who made Eat Pray Love with Sony Pictures chief Amy Pascal, took the pitch to her. Pascal bought it 10 minutes in. They are working the deals right now.

I’ve never liked Gwyneth Paltrow, obviously, and I’m kind of over Beyonce at the moment. I’m pretty indifferent to Cameron Diaz, and I guess I like Reese Witherspoon ok. Despite all that, am I going to go see this movie? Yes. Hell yes. I mean, the music is going to be done by The Lonely Island, the boys who wrote such beautiful songs as “The Creep” and “I Just Had Sex.” And the Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be singing those songs. And then I get to see it and laugh forever. I think it would be worth the pain, just for those giggles.

Would anyone else be interested in seeing this film?

Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks Blue Ivy Carter Is Destined for Greatness

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Is there anything that Gwyneth Paltrow can’t do? Really, I’m not trying to be a smart ass here or anything, I’m just wondering if anyone knows of one thing that Gwyneth Paltrow cannot do, because I’m having a hard time. She can sing and dance, she can save your relationship, and she can pull off a formal cape. Oh, and she can also predict the future, because she’s already claiming to know all that lies ahead for Beyonce‘s little bundle of joy, Blue Ivy.

From Us Weekly:

She’s only seven-weeks-old, but BlueIvyCarter is destined to become a star like her parents BeyonceKnowles and Jay-Z.

“She is going to be an entertainer,” Gwyneth Paltrow, 39, explained to Hollywood Life at the Governor’s Ball Sunday. “She just has this glow around her like her mother.”

Paltrow has been close pals with the hip-hop power couple for more than a decade. “Beyonce is doing great,” Paltrow said of the first-time mom, who welcomed Blue Ivy in New York City on January 7. “She’s just a natural at being a mom.”

As for Blue Ivy? “She’s stunning,” Paltrow gushed. “She has the most beautiful eyes.”

I don’t know, you guys, I kind of have some doubts with this one, mostly because every time I’ve hung out with a person who happened to be seven weeks old, my thoughts were more along the lines of “why are you making that weird face, is it because you’re pooping?” and “man, remember when you had that umbilical cord thing or whatever hanging off your tummy? Weird.” I don’t think I’ve ever predicted a child’s future career before, say, a few months.

Oh, and speaking of Blue Ivy Carter, that seven-week-old shining star, Beyonce and Jay-Z have finally stepped out into public with her:

A photo of Beyonce and Jay-Z

See? Isn’t that definitely a cute little bitty baby and not at all a wad of clothes jammed under a blanket? PRECIOUS!

Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You to Have A Great Valentine’s Day

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

In case you forgot, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, and it’s so important that you do everything right for your significant other. Do you understand that? Nothing else matters right now other than you not screwing up that special day tomorrow for your partner, and nobody knows that better than Gwyneth Paltrow. And since Gwyneth is such a sweetheart, she’s taken it upon herself to put together a step-by-step guide for you to give to your lover so that he doesn’t mess everything up tomorrow. That Gwyneth, always such a gem!

Gwyn went ahead and made a timeline so Valentine’s Day can run as smoothly as possible. The first step is to print out the guide and leave it somewhere for your “other half” to find because “they’ll get the hint.”  Tee-hee!

Dear __________,

Doing something romantic for your loved one on Valentine’s Day is sweet. Doing something sweet for your loved one on any other day is romantic. Here are some tips on how to bring some Valentine’s Day magic to any time of day on any day of the week, without busting your wallet or schedule.

Love,
gp

The first step is to be done at 7 AM, or whenever your girlfriend rolls her ass out of bed:

Surprise them by pre-loading a playlist onto their Ipod (or getting a mix onto whatever device they use to listen to music) with whatever songs are significant to you two. You’ll be on their mind throughout their morning run, commute, etc.

The next step should happen at 8 AM, or, again, whenever that lazy bitch you’re dating finally decides to get up:

While breakfast in bed on a Saturday is lovely, breakfast in bed on a weekday is completely unexpected, and truly special. We’ve listed some super-simple recipes for even the most culinarily-challenged that can be prepared in five minutes or less to bring some unexpected romance to an otherwise normal day.

The recipes that Gwyneth lists are for a berry yogurt parfait, an “easy, cheesy omelet,” and a “super-simple side salad.”  Oh, and “don’t forget a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and French press coffee.”

Here’s what you do at 11 AM:

Set an alarm on their phone to go off at this time that tells them to check their 1. pant pocket 2. wallet pocket 3. purse pocket, or whatever place you think they would not have naturally checked by now. In this pocket, you have placed either a love note, tickets to a play/movie/event that evening, a gift card to their favorite store, or an address and time of where and when they should meet you for a surprise evening activity of your choice.

Ok, then at 3 PM, you have to send flowers.  But not just any flowers, flowers that have crafts attached to them.  See, if you’re in love, you’ll take time to cut out little hearts, write special messages on them, attach each heart individually to each flower, and then deliver them yourself.  Because you don’t have a job or anything.

At 6 PM, you’re supposed to prepare a “simple dinner” for your lover.  Gwyneth suggests Chicken Paillard.

Then, at 10 PM, you’re finally supposed to have sex, but be sure at get the Kama Sutra kit and the sex book that Gwyneth recommends.  You can never be too prepared!

Oh, and Gwyneth mentions that “if you happen to be single,” you can just do all these things with your BFF or whoever. Hope that Kama Sutra kit isn’t too awkward for that.

So that just about covers it!  Does everyone feel comfortable about what you need to do tomorrow or what you need to tell someone else to do?  All right then, good luck, and enjoy your easy cheesy omelet tomorrow morning!

Gwyneth Paltrow on Nutrition, Lipstick Lesbians, and The Family Bath

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Yesterday, Jenn brought you guys a quote that Gwyneth Paltrow gave about cheating and cheating cheaters in Harper’s Bazaar, and today, I’m bringing you some additional quotes from the interview. You’re pumped, aren’t you? I can tell! You should be especially pumped if you’re one of those people who love to hate Gwyneth Paltrow, because she really gives a bit of ammunition in this here interview.

From Harper’s Bazaar:

On looking good and working out: “I’ll take my wrinkles,” she says. “I don’t like the Botox thing.” But she does enjoy sunshine for the vitamin D, despite “my dermatologist yelling at me.” (She admits to “little things, like lasers” and regular facials, often with the London-based Vaishaly Patel.) Today, like every other weekday morning, she has spent an hour and a half with her trainer, Tracy Anderson, doing dance aerobics and a precise series of exercises that changes every 10 days. The aim, she says, is “that you’re muscular, but you don’t get used to anything.”

On nutrition: “I have a lot of inflammation in my system, so I’m not having anything I’m allergic to—no gluten, no dairy, no sugar.” The trigger for these seasonal detox sessions, she says, is recognizing her physical symptoms: “I’ll wake up exhausted; I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. When I get into bed, my heart will pound, my skin won’t be good, I’ll feel cranky, and then I’ll just know it’s time.”

On eating: “I eat whatever I want. I like bread and cheese and wine, and that makes my life fun and enjoyable.” But an outline of her regular diet, along with the rest of her timetable, reveals a model of restraint. She’s up every morning around 7:00 with her two children, Apple and Moses (seven and five, respectively). “I don’t really like eating that early, so I usually just have coffee and then a couple of bites of their leftovers, like granola and yogurt or scrambled eggs.”

On the family: Her husband, Chris Martin, is hugely supportive of Goop. Today he is covering for Gwyneth with the kids in between duties as lead singer of Coldplay and planning a world tour to promote the band’s latest album. The two of them seem affectionately relaxed together—”he’s very communicative,” she says, “which is rare for a British man”—at ease with their nine-year relationship and their roles as parents. “If I’m in L.A. for three days working, then my husband does the school run; it’s always one of us,” although they do have a nanny for the children. “She’s French, so she’s teaching them French, and their previous nanny was Spanish, so they’re fluent in Spanish.” But it’s Gwyneth who gives the children their bath—”we all get into the tub together”—and she’s the one who cooks dinner for them before Apple and Moses go to bed at 8:00.

On her daughter’s fashion sense: Nowadays she sees her dresses through the eyes of Apple, for whom she is archiving her wardrobe. “I’ve been saving my clothes for her since before she was born. I was like, I’ll bet you anything I’ll have a daughter, and she’ll be a really cool butch lesbian and be so above clothes, and I got a very clothes-obsessed child. So if she’s a lesbian, she’s a lipstick lesbian. She doesn’t like anything avant-garde at all. She likes anything that’s pretty, pretty, pretty or has a bow or a ruffle or is pink.”

On being an anti-feminist: “I have little kids in school. I want to maintain my marriage and my family, so I have to be here when he comes home.” Hence her recent advice to a girlfriend (who remains tantalizingly unnamed): “She is an actress and in a new relationship with someone else with a big career, and I said this may not be feminist, but you have to compromise. It’s been all about you and you’re a big deal. And if you want what you’re saying you want—a family—you have to be a wife, and that is part of the equation. Gloria Steinem may string me up by my toes, but all I can do is my best, and I can do only what works for me and my family.”

Ok, to be fair (which is so hard when it comes to this woman), Gwyneth didn’t really say anything too terrible, right? Even though she said that “Gloria Steinem may string me up by my toes,” I don’t think what she said is that bad at all. The family bath bit is weird, but not insanely so – I took showers with my mom when I was little, like three or so, and I always took baths with my female cousins. I know tons of moms who bathe with their children to save time or because the kid wants to, but none of those moms have kids who are seven or five. Really, I just wish she would shut the hell up about eating and food and nutrition and ugh. Nobody cares about your adrenal cortex, Gwyn. Trust.

Who Cheated on Gwyneth Paltrow?!

photo of gwyneth paltrow hot pictures boobs cleavage pics

You have to admit, way back in the 1990s Gwyneth Paltrow had a fresh-faced earnestness that really was sort of alluring. (I used to do a Clueless/Emma sleepover double-feature, and Gwyneth Paltrow is cute as a bug. No kidding!)

So I cannot imagine anyone cheating on poor Gwyneth, least of all when she was in the prime of her rosy-cheeked youth. In the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar Paltrow names no names, but she does allude to a certain boyfriend who caused her strife:

“I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time,” says the Oscar winner, 39, who dated Brad Pitt from 1994 to 1997, and Ben Affleck from 1997 to 2000. (She tells the mag she was “not happy” in her 20s, when she first became a star and dated Pitt, 48, and Affleck, 39.)

“I was quite naive,” she says of being cheated on by her unnamed guy. “I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story.”

Although she points out that she and Martin, 34, have been faithful, she says (as she has in the past), “I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?”

Ugh. That is just plumb awful.

Worse, there are only so many people Paltrow’s lyin’, cheatin’ boyfriend could have been. And the top contenders are Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck. Yeesh. I consider myself a gambling woman, but I am not even touching this one.

Judging only from the slim soundbytes we have, it’s easy to see that whatever happened still haunts Paltrow a little bit. But I appreciate how adult she is being about old pain, how much she has matured.

Because it’s true! Sometimes decent people cheat. I’m not “for” it or anything—I have a pretty plain black-and-white sense of morality, usually—but there are some things that people do, and with age you find yourself letting some of that go.

Sure, I roll my eyes at Gwyneth a little, but she sounds like a good egg.