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Gwyneth Paltrow

Here’s A Video of Gwyneth Paltrow Rapping with Cameron Diaz

Oh my gosh. I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t even know what to say, this is that horrifying. I don’t mean that it’s not sort of amusing, because it is, a little, and if it wasn’t the monstrosity we know as Gwyneth Paltrow, it might even be funny. I just mean that it’s so … embarrassing. I watched it a few times as I tried to figure out my feelings, and I just feel so unbelievably embarrassed right now.

And maybe it’s just my intense feelings for Gwyneth, but does anyone else think that she did this video and then sent it to Beyonce with a letter that said “please pass this along to your husband so we can begin work on our record post-haste”? Because Gwyneth thinks she and Jay-Z are going to do the next Watch the Throne together. Because she’s that out of touch*.

But Cameron Diaz is pretty cute, right?

*I know she’s not that out of touch. I know she probably did this to have fun with her friends. I know it’s a joke. But guys. It’s Gwyneth Paltrow. Loosen up.

Happy Birthday, Gwyneth Paltrow!

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

You guys! It’s Gwyneth Paltrow‘s birthday today! Can you believe it? She’s 40 years old! That’s a big year, isn’t it? That’s why we have to make a fuss over her!

I was going to do a gallery of photos like we usually do on birthdays, but Gwyneth is far too special for that. So I decided to collect some of her best quotes instead because, as we all know, what’s on the inside is far more important than what’s on the outside.

Here’s Gwyneth on how she’s better than drunk people:

“I don’t really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it’s incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, ooh, you’re really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public.”

And here’s Gwyneth on the horrors of cheap noodles:

“I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a -Soup.”

Here’s Gwyneth explaining how talented and special she is:

“I’m really f-cking good at my job, and people who are interesting and good know that, and that’s all that matters.”

Now here’s Gwyneth explaining how all Americans suck:

“I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans.”

Here’s Gwyneth knowing everything about your life:

“Every woman can make time [to work out] — every woman — and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I’ve worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work.”

Because she’s just like you:

“I’m just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who’s trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There’s absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard.”

Here’s to at least forty more years of saying the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard! Yay, Gwyneth!

Gwyneth Paltrow Would Like You to Buy This Sweater for $500

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Yep, that sweater right there that Gwyneth herself is modelling. The blue one with the hearts and the elbow patches. It will be $500, please. Or, well, actually $515. But it’s part of the GOOP Collection, all right? You’re paying for 100% cashmere and impeccable taste. For all that, she’s practically giving it away at $515.

But if the $515 is too much for you poor folk, she’s got another sweater, and this one is only $485, because Gwyneth understands that times are tough:

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

And see, you still get the cashmere, you still get the elbow patches, and you still get the comfort of knowing that Gwyneth Paltrow took the time to design a sweater for you, the working class.

But hey, is she serious with this? Because I really need to know if she’s serious with this. $500 for one single sweater, is that something that people actually pay for? And of course I realize that cashmere costs more than your regular old wool or whatever, but honestly? My entire outfit cost about $25, and that’s including my awesome shoes that I’ve worn pretty much every day this summer (they’re made from vegetables!). The most expensive item in my whole closet cost about $250, but it’s a coat I got this past spring for about 80% off. And I can’t be completely sure, but I’m pretty sure that my shopping habits are closer to average than Gwyneth’s idea of “hey, come spend hundreds of your dollars on my stupid sweater.” Right?

Gwyneth Paltrow Claims She Cries “All the Time”

photo of gwyneth paltrow crying pictures
From Radar Online via InStyle:

“You can call my shrink on that one,” she candidly responds to a question about why she works so hard. “The positive thing that drives me is a curiosity and momentum. The negative is a need to validate myself or feel special. Like a childhood need to differentiate myself or…”

Gwyneth, who also talks about her postpartum depression in the interview conducted by her fashion designer pal Diane von Furstenberg, continues her sob story. “I cry all the time,” she admits. “I cried half an hour ago. I’m a crybaby!”

When asked if she cried out of happiness or frustration, she candidly responds on the darker side.

“Maybe out of sadness or uncertainty. Do you feel bad for me now?”

Ooh. Girl. Yeah, I do. I feel really, really bad for you. See, it’s like your life is just the way you portrayed it in Country Strong, minus the hot young Garrett Hedlund. And that’s enough to make anyone cry all, all the time.

Think maybe Gwyneth should see someone about these mini-meltdowns?

Love It or Leave It: Gwyneth Paltrow for Hugo Boss

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

When I first saw this lame perfume ad, I thought that the name of the product was Boss Nut. Obviously, it’s Boss Nuit, and those of you with fancy book learnin’ probably already know that nuit is French for “night,” but I don’t care about that. What I care about is the sweet, sweet smell of Boss Nut.

And see, that whole thing right there? Misreading the name of the perfume, then realizing that I had misread it and giggling like a preteen boy over the word “nut”? That was a million times more interesting to me than Gwyneth Paltrow in this ad. Honestly, if she’s not saying something that’s preposterously pretentious or laughably trying to sell people a shapeless white t-shirt for $90, then I really couldn’t care less.

But just in case you want to see more boring Gwyneth, here’s the TV spot for the perfume:

I’m actually alarmed by how much I don’t care about this. Well, about the ad itself – I’d give anything to get a good solid whiff of that Boss Nut.

Now Introducing The GOOP Collection!

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “man, I wish Gwyneth Paltrow would design some clothes”? Do you read GOOP newsletter after GOOP newsletter, desperately wishing that you can find affordable, adorable basics envisioned by none other than the GOOP herself? Then I’ll be honest, you’ve got a lot of time on your hands and some weird ideas about what’s important, but my opinion doesn’t matter, because your wish finally came true!

Yes, Gwyneth teamed up with some actual clothing designers to make a limited edition GOOP collection. But it’s only available in the U.S., the clothes are neither affordable or adorable, and let me just go ahead and show you the clothes, all right?

There are only two items right now. The first is a pair of jeans:

To be fair, those look like some nice jeans. They’re $200 though. I guess that’s a reasonable price for a pair of fancy designer jeans, but I really don’t know, I’m a bargain shopper. The weird thing about the pants is that they’re available in sizes 24-32, which is really confusing to me. That has to be a waist measurement, right? It’s obviously not 24-32 in traditional women’s sizes, because I’m sure Gwyneth wouldn’t make pants solely for fatties. But in what world does sizing women’s pants by a waist measurement alone make sense? Did GOOP forget about hips?

Anyway, here’s the second item:

This is where it gets comical. That’s a white t-shirt with black piping on the shoulders and the sides. It is $90. Is this supposed to be a joke? Because I’m pretty sure I could grab one of my boyfriend’s old t-shirts and hot glue some ugly ass cord all over it and have a pretty similar looking shirt. Also, the shirt only comes in one size that “comfortably fits U.S. sizes 0-8.”

Basically, if you’re around Gwyneth Paltrow’s size, live in the U.S., and have about $300 to blow, this incredibly boring outfit could be all yours! Act now while supplies last! Or, you know, run down to the Goodwill and recreate this whole look for less than $10. Or find another outfit that’s actually cute. The choice is yours!

Blind Items, Revealed!

Today is a magical day. Or, well, yesterday was a magical day, but Sarah and I were busy celebrating America’s birthday, so we’re just getting to the magic today. See, yesterday CDAN revealed tons and tons of blind items. Let’s stop with the preamble and get right to those, all right?

This A list celebrity and former singer who seems to always wear sunglasses was out over the weekend when she stopped to watch a woman on the street singing for money. The celebrity said, “You are better than I ever was. Honestly, so is everyone.” She then actually laughed and dropped $500 into the bucket.

Who could that be? Any guesses? You don’t have to guess, because we already know it was Victoria Beckham! See how fun this is? It’s only just beginning!

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