My name is Bobby and I will be your new celebrity gossip writer as of the beginning of February. I know that you are going to be ruthlessly critical, and I expect nothing less. Until recently, I, too, used to tear apart celebrities and authors alike in the comments, but consider yourselves warned! To get this job I had to bribe and coerce and blackmail people, and when that didn’t work, I sent Sarah a severed horse head, so no funny business.
Just kidding. I am, in fact, quite harmless. My specialties include photography, rock and roll music, and kittens*, and my goal for this year is to somehow manage to work the word idempotent in a sentence. It also happens that I am in a sort of a Jessica Simpson situation at the moment – not even nine months after I had my first baby, my husband went ahead and knocked me up again. This very much leads me to the theme of my very first post for Evil Beet – pregnant celebrities!
So without further ado, here’s a list of 12 celebs who will be procreating at various times this year (in no particular order):
There was no love lost between Evan and, well, almost everyone on Evil Beet so far, but I like the gal ever since I saw her in Thirteen. She is expecting her first child with husband Jamie Bell sometime in the Summer.
2. Kristen Bell
The sloth-loving Kristen Bell is preggers with her first child from Dax Shepard, and if crying uncontrollably at the sight of sloths isn’t a good enough reason to like her, Kristen is also outspoken on issues like same sex marriage and animal welfare. She’s due in the Spring.
3. Amber Rose
Model Amber Rose is expecting a very laid back (and possibly tattooed) child with Wiz Khalifa, and is ready to pop any minute, forever changing the the way her vagina photographs.
4. Jenna Dewan-Tatum
I don’t have any idea who she is, but they say her husband is hot so there you go.
Former Playboy bunny/stripper/reality star Madison, known mainly for her utter lack of style, is expecting a girl in March. For the delivery, she’s rumored to either wear a mustard yellow floral nylon dress, or nothing.
Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge had a rough first trimester but she seems fine now, unless you refer to the latest portrait of her, in which case she doesn’t. I really hope Kate puts on some weight during this pregnancy; it makes me feel uneasy watching her right now. She looks … sort of malnourished. Or maybe I’m just jealous because I know I’ll turn to a whale long before I reach full term. A Great Blue Whale.
7. Sophie Dahl
Dahl is pregnant with her second child, but I have a feeling that despite of being Roald Dahl’s granddaughter and a former plus-size model, many of you might not consider Sophie a celebrity. If that’s the case, let me remind you that she was on the cover of Vogue, like, 500 times, and that makes her at least more famous than you and I. Besides, you gotta love how much taller she is than her husband.
8. Busy Philipps
I LOVE Busy. She is so pretty and real, and she always steals the show even though she’s not necessarily in the A-list headlines all the time.
This here British celebrity who is famous for being famous is going to have another baby boy, and oh! god. She intends on naming him Phaedra. Let us all roll our eyes on a count of three.
10. Malin Akerman
11. Jessica Simpson
I suspect that Jessica actually learned the trick of getting pregnant so soon after giving birth from Britney, but then again Jessica’s fiance is quite cute and I don’t see why the hell not. Jess is going to have a boy.
12. Kim Kardashian
And finally, the worst, most terrible celebrity couple, Kimye. Typing this nauseates me, so I’m just going to give you a funny picture of Kim and leave it there. There’s nothing much to say about it anyways, except maybe to loosely quote Chelsea Handler who predicted that, considering its parents, this baby will be “tanned and very hairy.”
*I’m sure you’ll be missing Emily’s kittens so I promise to post photos of mine as often as I can.
January 24, 2013 at 7:00 am by Bobby Pfeiffer
“Evan Rachel Wood and husband Jamie Bell confirmed that they are expecting their first child later this year. The couple is thrilled.”
Hm. Evan Rachel Wood, somebody’s mom. Still kind of processing this, but then again, I’m still kind of processing the idea that Evan Rachel Wood used to have sex with Marilyn Manson—I don’t quite know if I’ll ever be able to get past that, to be honest. But seriously, though? Let’s have a look at this—is it really wonderful news that someone who acts this narcissistic on camera (in a personal circumstance, nonetheless, not a professional one) is maybe going to devote her life to a tiny little baby?
I don’t know, guys. I could be way, way off base, but there’s just something about Evan Rachel Wood that rubs me the wrong way, and that probably just won’t change.
But hey! Congratulations, girl! Exciting things!
January 12, 2013 at 9:00 am by Sarah
Because of course she did. This is what Evan Rachel Wood does—alienate people and perpetuate stereotypes (no, I don’t know if that’s what she really does as in she makes a habit of it, but that’s what she did this time, and it was pretty f-cking rude if you ask me). This is what ERW had to say on Twitter about Miley’s recent hair-chopping endeavor:
“I called it! Miley Cyrus is leaning toward gay.”
Of course, people predictably freaked out and said all sorts of things about Evan Rachel Wood and about the pot calling the kettle a lesbian or whatever else, and naturally, Evan went back to the Twitterverse and claimed that—of course, duh—people took her all wrong and that she was just kidding about the whole thing:
Ok. To be clear. I believe you should be able to joke and have a sense of humour about everything. And I hate explaining, but just to be clear, I don’t judge people on how they look. Nor do I associate a hair style with sexuality.
And then, this:
I myself am bisexual and have always ‘joked’ about Miley giving me gay vibes. Not a bad thing! Just an observation. So I ‘joked’ when she cut her hair that it supported my case. But, I am not so close minded or into stereotypes or labeling. It was a joke.
(Yes, funny joke—let’s say that someone’s of a particular sexual persuasion one way or the other BECAUSE HAIR. Come on. I have short hair. I’m not a lesbian. OR AM I, EVAN RACHEL WOOD?)
Cripes. And after all was said and done, ERW concluded with this gem:
I could (not) care less what gender she was attracted to. But don’t hate me for supporting her in whatever she chooses. It’s all fine by me.
Miley then supposedly followed Evan on Twitter, and Evan took that as a sign that Miley probably wanted to hook up (or not; maybe she’s kidding about it). Oh, and that it’s pretty much in our eye if we were offended that Evan would *jokingly* classify Miley as a lady-lover because she’s got short hair:
Now Miley Cyrus and I are friends. Let this be a lesson to all of you.
I dunno, guys. I’d say “Once an idiot, always an idiot,” but I think I’d be wasting my breath, because really, to say that would be redundant, and honestly, kind of a moot point as it were.
What a pain in the ass.
August 24, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah
3Evan Rachel Wood Likes to Pose All Nude and Smeared in Blood, But She Can’t Take a Needle Through the Nose
First of all, can I say that Evan Rachel Wood is f-cking retarded without ruffling people’s feathers? No? OK, then. I won’t.
The above is a video of Evan Rachel Wood getting her nose pierced, and if you can get through the entire thirty-seven seconds of mouth-breathing and semi-inappropriate, audible orgasms, then you can actually witness Evan Rachel Wood getting her nose pierced. Can you imagine what sitting through an entire tattoo sesh would be like? Madness, guys. It would be sheer madness.
On a related note, I once had my nose pierced. And while it wasn’t the most pain-free body piercing I ever had, it certainly wasn’t the worst (the bellybutton, guys—the bellybutton was the worst). And it certainly wasn’t bad or “bad” enough that I had to all act like it was one of the most exhilarating things that’s ever happened to me. Because the whole exaggerated “Ohhhh f————ck” thing at the end and the self-satisfied little smirk? Ugh. I wanted to just die a little bit right there. Oh. Wait. No. Her, I mean, not me.
Even the piercer (who’s probably seen it all) is like, “Dude. Get this silly bitch out of my chair. Please?”
July 11, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah
I’m so happy for Evan Rachel Wood. She’s really kind of come out of her weird goth shell over the last year, what with finally axing the relationship with Marilyn Manson, she’s rocking the hell out of her new haircut, and she flaunts her titties like it ain’t no thing (is it? Is it really?). She’s also engaged, in case you happened to miss the news! From the Examiner:
Wedding bells may finally be ringing for actress/singer Evan Rachel Wood. Her boyfriend British actor Jamie Bell proposed over the holidays. When she said yes, this became the second engagement for Wood.
Wood was previously engaged to Marilyn Manson until she ended it in 2010 amid allegations of infidelity. She and Bell met in 2005 when they were in the “Wake Me Up When September Ends” music video by Green Day.
They began dating shortly thereafter. The couple dated for a year and even got matching tattoos before ending their relationship. Last summer the twosome found each other again and got back together.
Awesome, right? I just love when these kind of things happen to people who seem genuinely neat. Plus, she bonus-ed us out with this latest spread for Flaunt magazine, where she – excuse the pun – flaunted her assets and her big old personality too.
About men who approach her for a date:
“[They] always seem too eager. I feel for guys. I’m telling you. It’s so much pressure. So easily you can turn into a creep.”
And that’s why she likes to be the take-charge one in the relationship, or “the dude,” whether it’s a relationship with a male, or even another female:
“I totally get it [though] because I got to a place where I had to start picking up women, and I had to be the guy. And I feel awful for any guy that’s ever trying to pick me up-it’s super hard. Women are very complicated. I love women – I am one, I adore them – but we’re all nuts. We’re all crazy! But, I think it comes from love. It comes from a place of caring too much and doing too much, and it will drive you nuts. Guys and girls are equally nuts – it’s just two different kinds of crazy.”
Thanks for that generalization, ERW. I appreciate it muchly.
Anyway, she concludes the interview (which you can check out more on here) with some off-the-wall comments about her sleeping habits:
“I’m a crazy sleeper. If you ever slept at home with me, you know you’re in for an adventure. I talk, I scream – I freak people out sometimes because I literally scream things. I am violent in my sleep, which I always find really interesting.”
Sure, interesting. I guess I’m a crazy sleeper, too, but I’m not violent. No, I’m just a dog-insulter. For real. My husband told me that I woke up laughing the other night (I don’t remember any of this), and when he asked me what I found so funny, I said “Sadie,” who happens to be our Coonhound, “is an idiot.” And I proceeded to laugh for another five whole minutes, completely oblivious to the fact that I was asleep. Awesome, right?
Anyway, you probably read through this whole post for the boobs. And I promised, and now I’ll deliver. But don’t get too excited – there’s only one NSFW photo out of the bunch, it’s not super quality, and it’s after the jump. But at least it’s better than having to roll your eyes at Olivia Munn’s PETA ad any old day, right?
January 13, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Sarah
I know, I know, the People’s Choice Awards were just the night before! But settle down, kids, because the Critics’ Choice Awards actually kind of matter, and besides, it’s awards season, so buck up. The Golden Globes are this Sunday, you know. It’s time to get serious.
And you guys, things did get serious last night. Seriously gorgeous. Both my girls, Emma Stone and Evan Rachel Wood, were there, and they both killed it. Take a look above to see Emma looking dazzling, and below to see Evan looking stunning. I actually think I like Evan’s dress a little better. What about you guys?
But on to the winners!
Best picture: The Artist
Best actor: George Clooney, The Descendants
Best actress: Viola Davis, The Help
Best supporting actress: Octavia Spencer, The Help
Best supporting actor: Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Best acting ensemble: The Help
Best director: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Best animated film: Rango
Best foreign film: A Separation
Best young actor or actress: Thomas Horn, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
Best documentary feature: George Harrison: Living in the Material World
Best adapted screenplay: Moneyball, Steve Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin, story by Stan Chervin
Best original screenplay: Midnight in Paris, Woody Allen
Best cinematography(Tie): The Tree Of Life AND War Horse
Best art direction: Hugo
Best editing: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Best costume design: The Artist
Best make-up: Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2
Best visual effects: Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes
Best sound: Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2
Best comedy: Bridesmaids
Best action movie :Drive
Best song: “Life’s A Happy Song” – The Muppets, Performed By Jason Segel, Amy Adams And Walter, Written By Bret Mckenzie And The Muppets
Best score: The Artist
What do you guys think? Personally, I’m kind of bummed that We Need to Talk About Kevin didn’t win anything (both Tilda Swinton and Ezra Miller were up for acting awards) because I thought it was amazing, but I’m really glad that “Life’s a Happy Song” from The Muppets got some recognition. Did you guys see The Muppets? It’s probably going to be one of my favorite movies ever. Also, I clearly need to see The Artist, huh?
Any additional thoughts?