Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Doug Hutchison

Courtney Stodden: “I Have Saved Many Lives”

Honestly, if this was just a three second clip of Courtney Stodden claiming that she’s saved many lives, that would be enough for me. But it’s not, you guys. Well, it is, but it’s so much more than that, too. It’s three minutes and 54 seconds from the new season of Couples Therapy, featuring Courtney and her creeper husband, Doug Hutchison, JoJo from K-Ci and JoJo, and a bunch of other people who are apparently somewhat famous. And it’s wonderful.

Just look at those stupid shapes that Doug shaved onto the side of his stupid head. Just listen to Courtney say “I call him Dad instead of Doug,” and Doug respond with a smile and a comment of “I’m raising my wife.” And then after you get your nausea under control, listen to Courtney tell the therapist that she forgets she’s married sometimes, and let’s all urge her to take that feeling and run, literally run with it. If you can handle it, keep watching until you see Doug’s cry face, and then push through a little more so that you can see Doug say “I didn’t think it was possible, but I’m more deeply in love with you than ever,” and Courtney’s “whatever” face in response. It’s so worth it, you guys. It’s so incredibly worth it.

Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison Are Ready to Talk About Their Marital Woes (For the Cameras)

Oh man. What a ripe, hot mess this is going to be. That being said? I’m totally going to watch it.

This is another exclusive clip from the new marriage counseling-reality show called Couples Therapy that VH1′s peddling, because really, what’s a better solution to fixing your dysfunctional, famewhore-based relationship than to televise it for the world to see? This is going to be a goldmine.

In the clip, you can see another contestant (or whatever you’d call people in this particular set of game show-like circumstances) saying that Courtney is “trash,” prompting Doug to get up off his weird ass, while starting to throw down with the naysayer. Later, when Doug is asked why he couldn’t just wait to hit it with Courtney when she turned eighteen instead of being a total creeper, he claimed, “I didn’t want to!” whilst grinding all over her knee.

Quality programming, guys. Quality programming.

LOL, Someone Called Doug Hutchison A Child Molester

A photo of Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden

All right, the fact that someone called Doug Hutchison a child molester isn’t all that astonishing or LOL worthy, considering that I’m pretty sure at least one of you guys do that every time we talk about this dude. But here’s where it gets good: someone called Doug Hutchison a child molester to his face.

If you’ll remember, Doug and his shooting star of a wife, Courtney Stodden, recently did a show called Couples Therapy, another VH1 masterpiece. While they were filming, Doug introduced himself to one of his co-stars, gossip blogger Nik Richie of The Dirty. Or, well, he tried to introduce himself, but Nik refused to shake Doug’s hand. He called Doug a child molester, and those were apparently the first and last words he ever said to him, because he wouldn’t acknowledge him afterwards. Doug was reportedly “deeply offended” and “extremely upset” by the whole thing. Bless his heart.

But you know, I don’t think Doug is a child molester, even though his 52-year-old ass did marry his darling bride at the tender age of 16. I think there’s a difference between a child molester and a dude who’s into 16-year-olds. I’m definitely not saying that Doug’s move wasn’t creepy or wrong or gross or any of those things, but he’s not a child molester.

But hey, at least we know that this show is going to be awesome now, right?

We Figured Out More Details About Courtney Stodden’s Reality Show …

A photo of Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison

And I’m really sorry, you guys, but I think you might be disappointed.

It turns out that while Courtney Stodden is, in fact, filming a reality show, it’s not the show we had hoped for. It’s not a new show focusing on the wonderful life of Courtney Stodden, or a new show focusing on Courtney’s journey to become a porn star. It’s not a new show at all.

Right this very second, Courtney is filming with the love of her whole young life, Doug Hutchison. And they’re going to be featured on the latest season of VH1′s Couples Therapy. I KNOW.

It turns out that Courtney – take a deep breath now – feels that her marriage to Doug is, despite all we’ve come to believe, NOT perfect. They’re doing the show so they can work on their issues, which, according to someone involved with the production, are due to “their age difference and the notoriety they’ve gotten because of their relationship.” I hope they work on what I’d imagine is the main problem though, which would be the fact that Courtney is way more famous than Doug’s ever been. That’s really got to hurt the old pride, right?

Whatever their issues are, I really hope they work it out. Even though, as Courtney said last year, “51 plus 16 equals sexy love.” Then what about 52 plus 17, Courtney? What does that equal, heartache and misery?

It’s so hard to believe in love anymore, you guys. Especially sexy love.

Courtney Stodden Spends Doug Hutchison’s Money at Target

photo of Courtney Stodden target shopping pics
Ha! Did you actually think she’d be at Target if she were spending her own? No, she’d be at a corner drugstore, scouring the seasonal clearance aisle for last holiday’s ‘A Christmas Story’-themed decor. See, Doug brings an element of class to a girl’s life, you know.

Doug and Courtney were out shopping this past weekend, where they picked up kitchen essentials like a rolling pin and a hand juicer.

Either that, or they were about to get into some really freaky shit that involved vegetables, homemade ball-gags, and extendable … never mind.

In related Doug-and-Courtney news, Courtney’s new single, ‘Reality’ hits iTunes tomorrow. CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT. Rumor has it that the song’s going to be blow her self-written anthem, ‘Don’t Put It On Me, Girl’ out of the water, but I’m having a hard time believing that, because really—what could possibly be better than this?:

Oh, right, yes. Her new single, ‘Reality’. Here’s a sample:

That’s quality work right there, folks. Will you be setting your alarms for midnight so you can be one of the first to buy Courtney’s new song?

Courtney Stodden Was a Tramp for Valentine’s Day

photo of courtney and doug lady and the tramp pictures spaghetti dinner photos pic
But of course I’m making a play on words here – I’d never insinuate that Courtney Stodden was an outright tramp – how ludicrous! I’m simply talking about the Disney flick, Lady and the Tramp, because they’re OBVIOUSLY reenacting the famous dog-eating-spaghetti scene. I’m not sure who’s supposed to be “Lady” and who’s supposed to be “Tramp,” but I think it’s a safe bet to say that Doug Hutchison is no tramp. I mean, Courtney’s probably the first chick he’s ever slept with (and that still triggers my gag reflex, even after Chocolate! Cheerios!), so there’s that, too.

Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day to you! Are you and your significant other doing anything special for the big day? I’m not a big fan of the day, myself. I think it’s a commercialized waste of time, celebrated in order to get people to indulge in consumerism and frankly get themselves in trouble if they don’t live up to others’ expectations. Seriously. I know people – actual, you know, adults – who’ve gone as far as to get into a week-long funk over what their boyfriend or girlfriend did or didn’t do for The Special Day. Come on. If your SO isn’t treating you well and making you feel valued the other 364 days out of the year, then maybe you’ve got even bigger problems than he or she not getting you a ginormous box of chocolates and a crooning greeting card.

Anyway, this set of photos depict what Courtney and Doug Hutchison did for their special day, and as you can tell, it all revolved around shared spaghetti dinners, mounting tables, and eating strawberries on small boats that D & C can’t afford to pull out of the marina.

Last, I think Courtney might be wearing a Victoria’s Secret thong with her bathing suit top. One, the black fabric’s color and texture don’t exactly match the top, and two, it looks just like a Victoria’s Secret thong. Note to Courtney, maybe? Don’t buy the expensive, over-priced bikini if you can’t afford both pieces. Sometimes there are concessions you have to make in life, and this might be one of ‘em, girl.

5 Couples We Wish Would Split Up

photo of vanessa paradis and johnny depp breaking up pics
No, no – we don’t wish that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis would snap it off (generally). But in light of all of the lost love in the world, we decided to compile a list of 5 couples that we wish the ultimate demise upon: the big breakup. What with Seal and Heidi Klum calling it quits, and Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis (and, of course, you can’t forget – sniff, sniff – Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries), we thought it prudent to really stick it to those who deserve it, rather than those who should just be together for the rest of their lives for the public’s sake.

In no particular order, The List:

#5 – Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison
photo of courtney stodden and doug hutchison pictures photos breakup
OK, no one’s going to disagree with me on this one, right? Their relationship, frankly speaking, is weird and unnatural and honestly, pretty damn gross. Not that I, you know, sit around and fantasize about celebrities having sex (I do have other things to do, my friends), but even trying to think about these two in the sack takes my appetite away. And that’s a hard, hard thing to do these days, guys.

#4 – Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes
photo of ryan gosling and eva mendes breakup pics
Because, duh. Who wants to continue seeing these two sucking face all over chic European countries and West Coast bistros? Not this girl, that’s for damn sure. Ryan needs to go back to his roots of down-home sweetness and women with genteel manners and … I don’t know, f-cking hoop skirts or something. Eva Mendes is just not where all that is at.

#3 – Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux
photo of jennifer aniston and justin theroux breakup pics
I don’t know about you guys, but it seems to me that Jennifer only dates a high-ish profile man is when she’s in the throes of promoting one of her films. As far as I know, she doesn’t have anything important coming down the line as of yet, so I fully expect these two to completely drop off the radar sometime in 2012. Plus, Jennifer Aniston is just (more) annoying (than usual) when she’s dating anyone, really. Sorry, girl, but some people just aren’t meant to be.
*Image courtesy of Celebuzz

#2 – Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart
photo of jennifer lopez and casper smart dating pictures photos breakup
Again, I don’t want to wish ill upon anyone and their, you know, “true love that transcends age, generation, and backup dancer syndrome,” but this is just silly. I realize that J. Lo is a big girl and can string along a young kid if she wants, throwing money at him all the while like she’s the female P. Diddy, but they’ve only been dating for something like weeks now and I’m already sick of hearing about them. Go and celebrate and get married and disappear forever, guys, or break the hell up and get off my mind.

#1 – Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick
photo of kourtney kardashian and scott disick pictures photos breakup pic
I don’t know, is it in poor taste to wish relational demise upon a woman who’s expecting a child? I don’t think so, considering who she’s with. I’m not a big Kardashian-lover as it is, but if there’s anyone who’s bad news, it’s the American Psycho-looking Scott Disick, who always seems to be just one mildly angry outburst away from relapsing into full-blown alcoholism and mirror-smashing. You wanna raise your kiddos around a ticking time-bomb, Kourt? I sure wouldn’t.

What about you guys – anyone in Hollywood you’d like to see cut their ties this year? Anyone on this list you hope lasts, you know, forever and ever?