Well, my brain just exploded. Of course, I’m on my all-new no-sugar, no-carbs diet, so any mention of hamburgers, hot dogs, or ex-New Kids on the Block makes me ravenous. Still, this is straight-up incredible news: Marky Mark and brother Donnie Wahlberg are opening a burger joint called Wahlburgers. Reportedly, every burger will come dressed in a tiny pair of Calvin Klein undies, with miniature abs carved into each individual bun. Just kidding! But that would be great if it were true, right?

The AV Club:

Next year the brothers also plan to open a pizzeria, which also doesn’t have an amusing name yet. Honestly, they sort of blew their wad with Wahlburgers. But surely you can imagine all sorts of hilarious Wahlberg-based menu items for them, such as the Hangin’ Tough Hanger Steak maybe, or the Marky Mark And The Funky Lunch Special, or Dirk Diggler’s Footlongs, or the Eyein’-My Lemon Drink, and then, if you ever get the chance to visit his restaurant, you can personally suggest them to a patiently smirking Mark Wahlberg while he stares at you like he wants to punch your face.

Hee hee! Should your mom visit Wahlburgers, say hi to her for me!

Oh Jordan Knight. Let go of this business. It was cool that the New Kids came back for a minute, but this whole “let’s do a tour and allow our sweaty, premenopausal female fans grind up on us” is kind of embarrassing for everyone.

And Donnie Wahlberg? I’m sorry, I just can’t take the guy who played the “freak” in Sixth Sense as a serious rapper. All I can see is the dude standing in his stained tighty-whities, murmuring “Do you know why you’re afraid when you’re alone? I do. I do.”

This weekend, I am living in the past.

Last night, by a strange twist of fate, I ended up at the Happy Days off Broadway musical, where I spent a few hours trying to figure out whether they were making fun of Happy Days or celebrating it, and consequently, trying to decide whether I wanted to stay till the end of the show or just leave and go get blindingly drunk at a nearby bar. I could never decide– I don’t think the cast could either. All I know is  that through two and a half hours of lyrics like “I’ll take you dancing on the moon,” no one jumped a single freaking  shark, and that’s just plain annoying.

Later today, I’ll be going to see a Star Trek movie based on the original series, which is something I haven’t done since 1991.

All this retro craziness began Friday morning when the New Kids on the Block performed “Hangin’ Tough” on the Today Show to a crowd of screaming women and gay men–just like old times. I watched this and had instantaneous post traumatic flashbacks of the first concert I ever went to, which was, of course, a NKOTB concert. I went with my friend Yari, who got so excited when they came on stage that she choked me until I blacked out. We were in the third grade.

I was always a Jon girl, and it’s nice to see that, like Harison Ford in that Tomb scene at the end of Last Crusade, I have chosen wisely. He’s aged well and doesn’t reek of having pickled his liver in pills and booze the way the rest of them have… with the exception of Jordan. Jordan seems like his addictions would trend more towards Botox and oxygen bars.

Oh, and Danny still looks like a monkey.

Well, got to go tease my bangs, put on my new Roos, and head out to Topkapi so I can buy some new slap bracelets.

This is the conversation that New Kid on the Block Donnie Wahlberg and his wife, Kim Fey, have been having every day for the past year.

WIFE: Let me get this straight. Just so we’re clear. What you’re going to do is spend the next two years traveling the country in a humiliating effort to revive a career that died definitively twenty years ago?
DONNIE: Yes.
WIFE: And you are aware that we have two children at home? That I will have to raise alone while you are fucking a 38-year-old former groupie in a hotel shower in Tulsa? You know this?
DONNIE: Yup.
WIFE: Does none of this strike you as especially pathetic?
DONNIE: Nope!

So, ya know, they’re getting a divorce.