Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Dakota Johnson

People were not happy with Dakota Johnson’s SNL sketch about ISIS

dakota johnson SNL isis

The internet seems to have lost its collective mind over a sketch that appeared on last night’s episode of Saturday Night Live. In the piece in question, host Dakota Johnson appears as a girl being dropped off by her dad presumably to go away to the army, like the Toyota commercial. In actuality, she’s joining ISIS, and she hops into a truck full of militants blasting guns off into the air and that’s about it.

See for yourself:

I don’t really get the uproar over this (though I’m sure some of our comment trolls will enlighten me and/or say I’m as bad as the terrorists) and frankly, I think SNL has said far worse in their day. This is poking fun at the unfortunate reality that Western girls are being recruited into a terrorist organization and going, but like… SNL has been making light of serious shit for years. It’s kind of the show’s whole point.

What did you think of the sketch? It was hardly hilarious, but I don’t think it was awful…

By the way, Taran Killam, who plays the dad in the sketch, had this to say:  “Proud of this. Freedom to mock is our greatest weapon. Thanks to the writers who asked not to be mentioned by name.”

Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson are just as awkward naked as they are clothed

jamie dornan dakota johnson w mag

Book your tickets and stash an extra pair of underwear in your handbags, ladies, because Fifty Shades of Grey is hitting theatres this Saturday, just in time for Valentine’s Day. Because, you know, nothing says romance like a glorified tale of abusive man and a woman with no self-worth! Yahoo! Not to mention two actors who can’t stand each other and have zero chemistry!

Poor Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson they thought it’d just be some easy money and realized just a second too late that uh, you know, it’s probably the worst thing they could have ever done. Now they have to do interviews nonstop and be asked about their favourite sex positions and like, pose naked for magazines and actually simulate penetration, when it comes to W Magazine‘s March 2015 issue. Yikes.

More scans are behind the cut since many are NSFW, but frankly, they should be safe for work because they’re the most clinical, least sexy things I’ve ever seen. The one where they’re actually apparently having sex? I mean, the blank look on both of their faces would make any woman (with a brain) dry as a desert, but whatever. I particularly enjoy the second one, where Jamie’s face is the epitome of “Kill me now!”. Enjoy – and thanks to the Twitter follower who felt the need to watermark every one of their scans for scanning them to begin with.

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‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is already a disaster

dakota johnson jamie dornan

In case you were curious and hadn’t already seen the news, it’s not just the 50 Shades of Grey movie that’s a complete and utter mess, but also the cast and crew. Turns out, stars Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson can’t stand each other in real life, which translates to having zero chemistry on screen. Oh, and director Sam Taylor-Johnson and the book’s author E.L. James were at odds the entire time the thing was filming. Sounds like a real party!

Now that the press tour has started for the movie’s release, Jamie and Dakota have been put on the spot, and the seem fucking miserable about the whole affair. A perfect example of this came in the form of a new Glamour behind-the-scenes Q&A about the film, where both stars look like they’d honestly rather be anywhere else but answering fan-asked questions on an iPad floating between their two heads:

It’s bad. It’s incredibly bad. You need to head over to Defamer to look at the exhaustive list of TERRIBLE press these two have done, because it is indeed exhaustive and really ridiculous. Why anyone wants to see this shit in general is beyond me, but when you consider the stars are people who can’t stand each other or the movie they’re in, it makes it even less appealing than it already was.

Oh, and Jamie Dornan is too good for this shit. Anyone who’s watched The Fall knows that. What possessed him to do this (money?) is beyond me, but it was a very clear mistake and something tells me he realized that just a split second too late.

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Here’s Your First ’50 Shades of Grey’ Poster

50 shades

Hope you’re all getting moist in your nether regions for the upcoming watered-down 50 Shades of Grey movie that will not contain any of the explicit sex scenes that the entire book is based on! It’s gonna be GREAT! Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson have “chemistry” which they’ll totally put on show for you via a lot of lip biting and some sultry looks before the camera cuts when panties start dropping. I’m sure it’ll be everything that people who actually like that shite were hoping for.

In any case, we’ve got our first look at the poster for the film – which isn’t even due out until 2015, I might add. That seems like a bizarrely far away release date for a franchise whose popularity is already past its prime, right? Ah, whatever. I’m sure plenty of people will go to see “real passion” and the “moving storyline”.

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’50 Shades of Grey’ Stars “Have Chemistry”

jamie dornan dakota johnson

Whoopdi-fuckin-do and all, but it turns out that Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson – the stars of the forthcoming big screen shitshow that will be the 50 Shades of Grey movie – have found “chemistry” together, both on AND off screen. Don’t get any freaky ideas into your head – Jamie is a family guy and I don’t think anyone cares what Dakota does with her life, but they’re just “hot” together.

From E! Online:

The highly anticipated film’s producer, Michael De Luca, spoke with E! News about how filming is going at the Producers Guild Awards over the weekend in Los Angeles.

“It’s hot,” he said of Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan’s chemistry throughout shooting. “I think we are a little more than halfway through but it’s going really good. I’m excited!”

So how are the future Mr. Grey and Anastasia Steele getting along with one another when the cameras aren’t rolling?

“The chemistry is there, they genuinely like each other,” De Luca revealed to us. “They’re enjoying the story, the story is so powerful.”

LOL, the story is so powerful? Dear God, please help the idiots who believe that to be a true statement. Powerfully awful? Powerfully boring and stereotypical? Powerfully geared towards bored housewives? Ah right, I guess that’s what they must’ve meant.

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Dakota Johnson Staying In Shape With Expensive Juice


Dakota Johnson, who is playing Anastasia in Fifty Shades of Grey, is staying in shape for the role by drinking some very expensive juice from a company called The Juice Box. Director Sam Taylor-Johnson is also partaking in the rich people drink. Here’s what an “insider” (read: Juice Box spokesperson) told E Online,

They order the organic cold-press juices. They love them. They have a standing order for them. [They] are not doing a cleanse and are basically drinking a couple each day.

Okay, now for the prices. Each indivudual juice costs $10-$11.50. A month-long subscription costs $340 and includes only 10 juices. Um, what?

I cannot handle Hollywood’s ridiculous food trends sometimes.

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’50 Shades of Grey’ Is An “Incredible Love Story”, Apparently


I suppose you’ve got to hand it to Dakota Johnson for desperately trying to turn 50 Shades Into a Grey into something more than glorified porn. We all know it’s an absolute hot mess and most of the people who go to see it will be the same middle aged housewives who are sexually unfulfilled and/or lack any real imagination, but Dakota insists there’s an “incredible love story” in there, and that’s why so many people love it. Uh………………………………

From Entertainment Weekly:

“I just really understand it,” said Johnson. “I think it’s an incredible love story and that’s why it’s affected so many people. Erica (EL James) did a really good job of explaining how that just can happen sometimes and you have this chemical pull to someone. Adding in the sex makes it perfect. Sometimes you feel a little bit naughty and that’s okay.”

LOL, I just… cannot take any of this seriously. Yes, it’s okay to feel “naughty”. But maybe since we’re talking about grown ass adults, we could stop acting like fucking 5-year-olds and using words like “naughty”, for one. Second of all, just… no. You’re performing glorified Twilight fanfic, girl. Calm down.

In related news, they wanna make this shit as kinky as possible, so apparently there might be an R-rated version along with an NC-17, according to producer Dana Brunetti.

From Collider:

“It’ll be R, obviously it has to be R.  This is just my opinion and this doesn’t mean this is going to happen, but I always thought it would be really cool if we released the R version and then we had an NC-17 version that we released a few weeks later.  So everybody could go and enjoy the R version, and then if they really wanted to see it again and get a little bit more gritty with it then have that NC-17 version out there as well.  It’d be great for the studio too because they’d get a double dip on the box office… What we’re kind of hearing from the fans is they want it dirty, they want it as close as possible [to the book].  We want to keep it elevated but also give the fans what they want.”

Yes, we get it. You want to make porn. The movie isn’t coming out until February 2015… will people still even be interested in this bullshit by then?

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