Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Dakota Johnson

Here’s Your First ’50 Shades of Grey’ Poster

50 shades

Hope you’re all getting moist in your nether regions for the upcoming watered-down 50 Shades of Grey movie that will not contain any of the explicit sex scenes that the entire book is based on! It’s gonna be GREAT! Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson have “chemistry” which they’ll totally put on show for you via a lot of lip biting and some sultry looks before the camera cuts when panties start dropping. I’m sure it’ll be everything that people who actually like that shite were hoping for.

In any case, we’ve got our first look at the poster for the film – which isn’t even due out until 2015, I might add. That seems like a bizarrely far away release date for a franchise whose popularity is already past its prime, right? Ah, whatever. I’m sure plenty of people will go to see “real passion” and the “moving storyline”.

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’50 Shades of Grey’ Stars “Have Chemistry”

jamie dornan dakota johnson

Whoopdi-fuckin-do and all, but it turns out that Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson – the stars of the forthcoming big screen shitshow that will be the 50 Shades of Grey movie – have found “chemistry” together, both on AND off screen. Don’t get any freaky ideas into your head – Jamie is a family guy and I don’t think anyone cares what Dakota does with her life, but they’re just “hot” together.

From E! Online:

The highly anticipated film’s producer, Michael De Luca, spoke with E! News about how filming is going at the Producers Guild Awards over the weekend in Los Angeles.

“It’s hot,” he said of Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan’s chemistry throughout shooting. “I think we are a little more than halfway through but it’s going really good. I’m excited!”

So how are the future Mr. Grey and Anastasia Steele getting along with one another when the cameras aren’t rolling?

“The chemistry is there, they genuinely like each other,” De Luca revealed to us. “They’re enjoying the story, the story is so powerful.”

LOL, the story is so powerful? Dear God, please help the idiots who believe that to be a true statement. Powerfully awful? Powerfully boring and stereotypical? Powerfully geared towards bored housewives? Ah right, I guess that’s what they must’ve meant.

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Dakota Johnson Staying In Shape With Expensive Juice


Dakota Johnson, who is playing Anastasia in Fifty Shades of Grey, is staying in shape for the role by drinking some very expensive juice from a company called The Juice Box. Director Sam Taylor-Johnson is also partaking in the rich people drink. Here’s what an “insider” (read: Juice Box spokesperson) told E Online,

They order the organic cold-press juices. They love them. They have a standing order for them. [They] are not doing a cleanse and are basically drinking a couple each day.

Okay, now for the prices. Each indivudual juice costs $10-$11.50. A month-long subscription costs $340 and includes only 10 juices. Um, what?

I cannot handle Hollywood’s ridiculous food trends sometimes.

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’50 Shades of Grey’ Is An “Incredible Love Story”, Apparently


I suppose you’ve got to hand it to Dakota Johnson for desperately trying to turn 50 Shades Into a Grey into something more than glorified porn. We all know it’s an absolute hot mess and most of the people who go to see it will be the same middle aged housewives who are sexually unfulfilled and/or lack any real imagination, but Dakota insists there’s an “incredible love story” in there, and that’s why so many people love it. Uh………………………………

From Entertainment Weekly:

“I just really understand it,” said Johnson. “I think it’s an incredible love story and that’s why it’s affected so many people. Erica (EL James) did a really good job of explaining how that just can happen sometimes and you have this chemical pull to someone. Adding in the sex makes it perfect. Sometimes you feel a little bit naughty and that’s okay.”

LOL, I just… cannot take any of this seriously. Yes, it’s okay to feel “naughty”. But maybe since we’re talking about grown ass adults, we could stop acting like fucking 5-year-olds and using words like “naughty”, for one. Second of all, just… no. You’re performing glorified Twilight fanfic, girl. Calm down.

In related news, they wanna make this shit as kinky as possible, so apparently there might be an R-rated version along with an NC-17, according to producer Dana Brunetti.

From Collider:

“It’ll be R, obviously it has to be R.  This is just my opinion and this doesn’t mean this is going to happen, but I always thought it would be really cool if we released the R version and then we had an NC-17 version that we released a few weeks later.  So everybody could go and enjoy the R version, and then if they really wanted to see it again and get a little bit more gritty with it then have that NC-17 version out there as well.  It’d be great for the studio too because they’d get a double dip on the box office… What we’re kind of hearing from the fans is they want it dirty, they want it as close as possible [to the book].  We want to keep it elevated but also give the fans what they want.”

Yes, we get it. You want to make porn. The movie isn’t coming out until February 2015… will people still even be interested in this bullshit by then?

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Catch The First Peek At Christian Grey And What’s-Her-Face!


Jamie Dornan stars a Christian Grey for the new lolzfest Fifty Shades of Grey film and he’s on the cover of Entertainment Weekly in full Grey-ness, with Dakota Johnson, who plays what’s-her-face (Anastasia Steele).

This cover says it all, doesn’t it? It’s every bit as cheesy and horrible and creepy as we think it’s going to be. Look at her face! They’re not even showering her whole face. No, she must cover it, for she is terrified of master Grey. And look at him! He looks like J. Crew turned into a person and got drunk.

What do you guys think?

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Charlie Hunnam Has “Chemistry” with ’50 Shades of Grey’ Co-Star Dakota Johnson

charlie hunnam dakota johnson

Well, I’ll say this: I fucking hope so, considering! First of all, the 50 Shades of Grey movie is going to be an absolute disaster. The book was a disaster (and – on principle as an intelligent human being who has a better imagination than that in a modified piece of Twilight porn – I absolutely refused to read it) and the movie will follow suit. That being said, it will make MILLIONS from desperate middle-aged housewives whose husbands aren’t exciting them sexually anymore, and Charlie Hunnam and Dakota Johnson must be seeing the dollar signs in their eyes – they’re going to be filthy rich.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

“As soon as we got in the room and started reading with Dakota, I knew that I definitely wanted to do it, because there was a tangible chemistry between us,” Hunnam told The Hollywood Reporter and handful of reporters. “It felt kind of exciting and fun and weird and compelling, and so that was it.”

“I went and read the first book to get a clearer idea of who this character was, and felt even more excited about the prospect of bringing him to life.”

Oh, I bet it was “exciting”.  I bet the idea of S&M – so long as you’re in the “S” bracket – is super “compelling” and really gets you going. Not that I’m insinuating that Charlie Hunnam is some kind of sadist sicko in real life, as I’m sure this is all about the money he stands to make (don’t forget, this is a trilogy). However, it just seems like icing on the cake that he gets to film a bunch of raunchy sex scenes in which he’s in control of a woman. I dunno, I’m probably just being a pessimist – wouldn’t be the first time, admittedly.

So, Evil Beeters… do any of you actually LIKE this series? If so, can you explain to me the fucking point? Because I just honestly don’t get it in the slightest. Maybe I need to kickstart my own porn writing career, only mine would be a steamy re-telling of The X-Files instead of Twilight. Mulder and Scully? I mean, er… Roberts and Williams? Oh yeah, they’re freaky.

“Fifty Shades” Fans Really Need To Get Lives

alexis bledel matt bomer fifty shades of grey

Fifty Shades of Grey fans are the new Twilight fans in terms of  the “you guys are absolutely nuts” factor. Casting for the lead actors in the Fifty Shades film was just announced. Dakota Johnson and Charlie Hunnam “won” the roles, and fans are downright pissed. You see, they wanted Matt Bomer and Alexis Bledel. And because they’re totally f-cking delusional, they think that writing a petition and getting signatures will change this. Here’s their petition, straight from

Matt Bomer is the PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF CHRISTIAN GREY AND ALEXIS BLEDEL IS THE PERFECT ACTRESS TO REPRESENT ANASTASIA STEELE and if THEY ARE NOT, NOBODY WILL BE And I read the whole trilogy and I can assure that Matt is the perfect actor for this movie and Alexis too. So please PLEASE, all of the GREYsessed and Bomerettes in the world NEED those actors. They always will be for us the Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. WE CAN DO ANYTHING GUYS, ANYTHING.

And here’s what they want you to (digitally) sign:

Matt Bomer and Alexis Bledel always will be for us the Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.

[Your name]

That isn’t how Hollywood works, everyone. When I checked, the petition 12,908 had signatures. When I refreshed about 2 minutes later, it had 12,983. They even made their own poster, for emphasis (above). “SHITT GUYSSSSS I’M SO PROUD OF EVERYONE WHO IS HELP RIGHT NOW,” says the petition’s founder.