Morning, guys! Do you see this picture? This positively fabulous photo? It’s – duh- Dakota Fanning, and she’s got no makeup on. You know, that’s pretty refreshing in itself. You wanna know what else is pretty good, too? That girlfriend hasn’t had any cosmetic procedures done, and she actually looks like an innocent young girl who’s all about acting for the art of it and not acting for the publicity and money. Isn’t that so awesome? I know that DF is only eighteen years old, and a lot of people might think it’d be preposterous for someone so young to go under the knife or needle anyway, but there are a lot more young people out there who have done this crap and you wouldn’t even think it.
Also, you know what I watched this past weekend that featured Dakota in it, but I didn’t even realize ’til just, like, a few minutes ago? Sweet Home Alabama. Yeah. I definitely forced my husband to watch it with me, too, and you know, he’s never even seen The Notebook. He boycotted it so many years because he said it seemed like the height of cheesieness, but folks, I’m telling you right now – this man will have watched The Notebook by the end of this year – and especially if I can keep his attention rapt with movies like Sweet Home Alabama (check) and Nights in Rodanthe (check). And today, in anticipation of that sacred event, I’m going to credit this success to Dakota Fanning – just because I’m feeling happy and euphoric and have picked up an even crazier Southern accent from being subjected to two-and-a-half-hours of watching Reese Witherspoon trying to fake her way through it.
This is big, guys. For everyone involved.
And here’s the post where I unceremoniously mock a child for doing child things. OK? I’m just forewarning you right now of what’s to come. Some of you hate this kind of shit, while others live for it, and right now I’m pandering to the latter group, if, indeed, there’s any “meanies” left here in the Evil Beet crowd. OK. Deep breath. Here goes:
Dakota Fanning? BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHH! What’s up with the hair, girlfriend? Pink streaks that match the pink rings around your eyes? That what’s going on here? And orange? Really? You didn’t think that that shade of orange skirt would clash with that shade of salmon that you’ve got in the lower half of your hair?
Oh, girl. I’ve so been there. I know.
A lot of you are probably thinking “Not nice, Sarah. For real.” But really, I’m not judging her too harshly here, because when I was in high school, I thought it’d be cool to put a few green streaks in my hair a la lemon-lime Kool-Aid. And I did it, and was so excited about it, and it looked really f-cking stupid. It looked like I put Sun-In on my hair and then jumped into a pool that had just been shocked with a mega-dose of chlorine. It was awful. Also, it took forever for the Kool-Aid to finally fade away. It was dumb, and now I look back on it and laugh and realize that green streaks in my hair just do me no justice. And now, for future reference, I know this helpful bit of information. Because really, can’t we all just laugh at ourselves once in awhile? And, you know, other people too? I think Jack Handey said it best:
“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just be able to laugh at people.”
Because really. Life is funny, and I love Dakota Fanning. But that heinous pink has gotta go.
Oh girl WHAT HAVE YOU DONE. Posing for Terry Richardson? What’s next, buying magic crystals off the street from some shady-looking dude your ex-lesbian lover used to frequent? Making racist comments in public? Showing your vagina? Donning a pink wig?
Last, has anyone ever told you about the uncanny resemblance between you and Eminem? ‘Cause it’s there, sweetie.