I know so many of you have looked at Courtney Love and thought “man, that’s an enviable woman!” And this morning, I’m here to tell you that it’s entirely possible, that you, too, can have all the majesty of Courtney Love. Just start by following the Courtney Love Diet, which she described, in exquisite detail, to Grub Street. It involves lots of chicken potpie, potato salad, unspecified forms of sugar for an hour every single morning, and heaping amounts of delusion.

Here’s Courtney describing a typical week of eating:

Friday, April 27
This is all you need to know about me and food …

Every day I have my house manager, Hershey — who I stole from the Mercer Hotel with André Balazs’s blessing — wake me up with a hot washcloth for my face, a leg rub, and a plate of toast soldiers.

Then someone always gets chicken potpie and potato salad from D.D., you know, Dean & Deluca. If I can’t afford D.D., I just don’t eat.

One thing from living next to Paris Hilton in L.A. … she always had a fresh cake in her house. So I make sure someone gets a full, fresh new one every day, like marzipan. My house manager tries to put it in the fridge, but I don’t like refrigeration. I know, so Portlandia of me. But I’m sorry, I’m from Portland!

That’s what I eat. Every day. And then I need sugar from 4 a.m. to 5 a.m.

(more…)

From the Fix:

The documents show that Love agreed to step down as Acting Manager of End of Music LLC—the business entity responsible for generating cash from Cobain’s publicity rights—once she’d received a $2.75 million loan from Frances’ trust fund in 2010. The massive loan was transferred from Frances’ fund to EOM in Los Angeles, and then into an account held by Courtney’s then-lawyers, Pryor Cashman, in New York. Until Courtney pays it back, she won’t receive a dime from Kurt’s name, likeness or appearance from the deals formed by Frances and her advisers since December 2010.

Frances also has the final say-so in business agreements negotiated by the attorney and now acting manager of EOM David Byrnes, of Ziffren Brittenham in LA. Love remains a company member, but without the power to make decisions on anything bearing the likeness of Cobain, who committed suicide on April 5, 1994.

So basically, Courtney Love is flat broke, taking loans from her nineteen-year-old daughter, hooked on drugs, and she has no friends.

And this is news? Well, yes. The part about losing the rights to market Kurt Cobain in any way, shape, and form—that’s new. It’s not surprising, but it’s new, and it’s definitely one step out of many to come in the gradual disintegration of the drug mummy we’ve all come to know as Courtney Love.

Way to go, girl!

Several times a year, Courtney Love logs onto her Twitter account, says some really weird shit, and just generally gives everyone more reasons to believe that she’s out of her mind. The latest example of this happened last week, when Courtney went on that big rant about how Dave Grohl is trying to get all up on her daughter, Frances Bean, because he’s “sexually obsessed” with Kurt. She’s just been really hurt over what the Muppets did to one of her deceased husband’s band’s songs, so she’s not thinking clearly. I know that and you know that, and Frances Bean knows that, but she still felt the need to issue that “please, Twitter, make my mom shut up” statement:

“While I’m generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I’m in a monogamous relationship and very happy. Twitter should ban my mother.”

Well, it appears that Frances’ words have finally made Courtney reconsider her craziness, because she got on Twitter again over the weekend to apologize:

Well, that’s … that’s something. But is it just me, or does the “Mommy loves you” bit just feel weird and creepy? I think when your grown child starts referring to you as her “biological mother” and hasn’t spoken to you in a long while, then a public statement of “Mommy loves you” isn’t quite going to cut it.

Poor Frances Bean. It must be tough having the world’s most embarrassing mom, right? I mean, my mom can be sort of embarrassing at times (like the time she insisted on talking “like the cool kids” in front of all of my friends in high school, or the time that she showed up at my house at college wearing some of my old clothes from high school and shouting “look, girls, I’m stylin’!” to my housemates, bless her heart), but nothing on this level. Hundreds of people, possibly even thousands, have probably heard at least a story or two about how crazy Courtney Love can be, especially when it comes to little Frances.

Take the latest Courtney news for example: remember yesterday how Courtney Love was all over Twitter, talking about Dave Grohl creeping on Frances? Totally embarrassing. Luckily for Frances, she managed to remain calm enough to make a statement about the situation, and it didn’t even involve a “GOD, MOM!”

From TMZ:

Courtney Love is a delusional LIAR who should be banned from Twitter forever … this according to her biological daughter Frances Bean Cobain.

Frances Bean has just issued a statement in response to Love’s allegations that former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl hit on Frances during a recent encounter … and it’s clear, there’s still a rift in the family.

Frances Bean states, “While I’m generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way.”

She adds, “I’m in a monogamous relationship and very happy. Twitter should ban my mother.”

Grohl has also denied Love’s accusations — saying, “Unfortunately Courtney is on another hateful twitter rant. These new accusations are upsetting, offensive and absolutely untrue.”

Can Twitter actually ban users for just being psychotic? If so, why hasn’t Courtney been banned ages ago?

From Rolling Stone:

Courtney Love has accused Dave Grohl of attempting to seduce her 19-year-old daughter, Frances Bean Cobain, Gawker reports. The Hole singer made the accusations on her private Twitter account last night, claiming that her estranged daughter’s roommate informed her that the Foo Fighters frontman “hit on Frances.” Grohl is, of course, the former bandmate of Frances’ father, Kurt Cobain, and has known her since she was an infant.

In a series of subsequent tweets, Love threatened Grohl and speculated on his “pathology,” noting that Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins resembles Cobain and is in the “submissive drummer position” in the band, and that he named his daughter Violet, which happens to be the name of one of Love’s biggest hits. She later declared that Grohl is “sexually obsessed” with Kurt, relaying information from a driver who claimed that Grohl had “his hands all over” Frances in his car.

This lady really is off her nut, huh? I mean, Dave Grohl is probably, like, the nicest band person in Hollywood. He’s been married nine years, he’s got kids of his own, he’s always doing humanitarian work under the radar, and to really put the thing to rest, I’m sure there’s positively no way that he’d want to tie himself further to Courtney Love than he already is, beyond the fact that he happened to be good friends with her husband, who’s been dead for, oh I don’t know, almost twenty years.

Courtney’s got a protected Twitter account, but Gawker got a screenshot of the f-ckery, and this is much what it looked like:

And here’s the rest:

Of course, Grohl and his camp denied it, making an official statement (not on Twitter) that alluded to Courtney’s craziness:

“Unfortunately Courtney is on another hateful Twitter rant. These new accusations are upsetting, offensive and absolutely untrue.”

I feel bad that Dave had to go as far as publicly denying this, because no one should be giving Courtney an ounce of credibility (it’s only going to encourage this kind of BS, seriously), and as for Frances Bean? God. Poor girl. She just doesn’t stand a chance as long as this lady is living.

Remember last month when Emily told you that Courtney was flipping shit over the new Muppet movie because of a scene where the Muppet barbers ripped off a Nirvana song? Well the Gothamist did an article on Courtney’s shit-flipping, and the following is an actual comment that an alleged Courtney Love made. Here’s the clip from the flick, in case you haven’t seen it yet:

It’s cute, I know. I laughed pretty heartily.

This, of course, is what Courtney had to say to say in the comments of the article:

primary wave is lying and i have shitty lawyers , this is courtney- synch rights are mine, primary wave does not own them= don’t take my word for it= disney corporate did not ask and diode not pay francesw nor me when i sold some writing to primary wave which was stupid, in 06 i did not sell administration rights they forged them and i sure as shit have combed over everything did not sell synch- last month larry at p wave was begging me for battleship- gatorade and dancing witht he stars and muppets all of which i said no to- no. its mine to say and not public opinion””’ it my and my daughters right and dave and krist have a grace note of 1.2 percent ofd a 100 in that song publishing that i begged kurt to let them have when he took his publishing back to himself as we wrote every single note- so yeah rape is a great word because its so insidious to do this and make me look ‘crazy’ on the lawyer owned tmz for declining it-= i said no i meant no and this makes me sick-= because i have shitty sadistic lawyers who i have just fired and grohl knew this- i never rated him as a total sociopath until i saw the nirvana inc portfolio – graveyards, us beef abattoirs and 1841 nirvana inc liens against one courtney love of memphis, blossom texas and etc that take money out of our bank account, hurts music company is end of music , krist murk slough i assumed daves was ’roswell’ but thats just for foo fighters? no it isn’t it was for nirvana his 3 % out of all the oeuvre, so he has NO SAY,. his kid is named ‘violet’ and he si believe a sociopath on an entirely other level the daughter named ‘violet’ doh. he is obsessed not so much with me with his hatred of kurt- he knew kurt never wanted to be disneyfied, i know lisa henson very well and as gawker uyou should be slightly more responsible-= and not believe every piece of expoiltative bullshit you hear in fact this is an epic fucking scandal, and it hurts to think about it- well none want so to go after disney corporate just like none wants to go get a supoenas and find the liens coming out of the courtney love cobain comerica accounts front he over 60 account s that i don’t know about in there, including ‘suspense accounts’ that hold over 1000 fun entities per account, in 6 months 26,7 million was libeled that i sure as shut nor my daughter has, you guys are foolish=- take any celebrity or a woman with synchronization rights and pout it in muppets and guess what? she looks CRAZY FOR SAYING ‘NO’ TOP WHAT IS HERS? AM IO CRAZY FOR SAYING NO TO HAVING SEX WITH CHIP THE MAN YOU THINK IS SO FABULOUS AND HANDSOME? YEAH? WELL MY BODY IS MINE, MY PROPERTY IS MINE. SAME SAME.

I don’t know, guys. That’s some pretty heavy shit for me – too heavy before a second glass of wine, anyway. All I know is that one thing is for certain: Courtney Love definitely sets Google alerts on herself.